I don't like my boyfriend's daughter. What do I do?
So the story is... Me and my bf have dated off and on since middle school. We got together for good after high school and have been in a steady and wonderfully happy relationship ever since. Although, he has a 2-year old daughter (the mother is who he cheated on me with "back in the day"). Believe me when I say that I thought this through and we had many discussions. After a while he moved in for financial reasons. We have her 50/50 and will probably end up having her more since her mom is a lost soul. I made the choice to be in a relationship knowing that I would be a part of this child's life and vice versa. Everything started off great. I love dressing her up, teaching her new things and watching her grow. But she has a horrid personality. Her mother is crazy and has been instituionalized before. We often joke (but I'm secretly serious) that it is hereditary. She throws tantrums almost constantly. Especially when we say no or she doesnt get her way. She hits, bites, screams, throws her self on the ground, throws herself at the wall and much more. I honestly can't stand her! It's sad for me to say that I dislike a two year old. Even when she isn't throwing a tantrum she isn't listening. I know she's two, but I have delt with a lot of two year olds and this isn't a phase. I have known her most of her life. She also gets jealous. I don't even have to explain because I'm sure you already know. It's impossible to be affectionate because she had to squeeze her way through and start attacking me. The dad wants me to be her mom. We don't have a connection. Like tonight I said Maliya, give me a hug and was really trying to bond and she starts a tantrum. Her dad wants me to be the mom, but that just isn't going to happen and I don't think it should. The point is we don't get along. I feel it's my fault because she can sense that I don't love her. Her mom praises her for her attitude as well and spoils her rotten. She is also like this with her father but obviously worse with me. I don't know what to do because I have come to the realization that I will probably never love her an I feel like dirt when she is around. He tells at me when I try to talk about it and says "that's my daughter!" we'll, "I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with." I'm madly in love with him and I want to make this work in the best way possible. And I know that there are ways to be a good step parent when u don't love the child. I really need some advice!
ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnn...dont settle for this...ur too young!!!!!!
and plus its a lovechild that he had when he was with u? seriously?
i dont understand....please explain how u can accept this situation besides for love!?
LOVE has nothing to do with it, and boy will u realize it with time, and im sure u resent the child because of the whole drama behind it...its only just begun!
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
They don't call it the
They don't call it the terrible two's for nothing. It is a rotten age, and on top of this you say she is spoilt rotten. However a word of advice, if you can't reign this in at two, you will he having heaps more problems when she is 22.
If you really cannot stand this child and she is with you 50/50 with you predicting it will soon become more then you need to get out. The child cannot help who or what her mother is and you have already labelled this kid as having her mother's genes and you described the mom as crazy. Is this what you want for the rest of your life.................If you think they leave at 18 and it is all over, that doesn't necessarily happen she will one way or another be in your life for as long as you live. Think long and hard about this.
By the way if her mother has been hospitalized for mental health issues, then she is to be pitied not labelled as crazy. People cannot help mental illness anymore than people can help catching a cold. It is not a choice people make.
Well she was not diagnosed
Well she was not diagnosed with a mental illness that I know of. She was institutionlazied because she used suicidal threats and acts to get people to comply with what she wanted
That is a mental health issue
That is a mental health issue
.
.
What I think is happening is
What I think is happening is that the child is already overindulged and it does not matter who it is right now, the child will pitch a fit if anything changes for her. Please do not take it to heart, the girl is a terrible two. I agree with the previous post, if you do not reign this in it will not turn out so well in the future. THE best way to deal with tantrums, in my opinion, is NEVER dignify them. Put the child to safety and let said child writh and wriggle and scream and kick or whatever...IGNORE! Then, when it's all calm again find out what's wrong. Sometimes kids can just blow a fuse like the rest of us!
It's my belief that kids start manipulating parents from inches long, not feet high or years later. The BM is unstable you said? You are aware that baby see baby do...right?
It's my belief that connections between people can grow from strength to strength but there has to be an initial spark there...right? Why do you think we have 'instincts' and thought processes that follow on from our instincts?
Has there been a moment between you and the girl at all? A moment where you thought AWWWWW?
I fell in love with 10 year old twins, bonded with them and I still love them more than they'll ever know or deserve but I will NOT tolerate their crap when they try to give it to me. Their BM is batshit crazy and I agree it can be 'passed on' if not genetically then by example. Like I say, baby see baby do. If you want to be the good example to this girl then I commend you, the girl will thank you in later years and you will have a great family. If you want out now then you'd best to it swiftly to avoid further damage to a possibly already damaged child. I was in it for the long haul, SD was 17 when she told me she 'understood' what I did, and why, back then. Kids do get it, eventually!
I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.
Unfortunately I can see a two
Unfortunately I can see a two year old acting that way while being perfectly sane. Unfortunately she may perfectly insane also.
Frankly my dear this girl will end up being the bane of your existance. Which is to say your very life will be ruined by taking this on. And that's part time. You must assume that the BM will be out of the picture sometime in the future. Either institutionalized or just too irresponsible to take care of the kid forcing the girls father to take her in permanently. He'll expect you to be Mommy at that point.
Your failure to bond is perfectly normal and understandable. Time is not going to change anything and in fact things will get worse.
Sadly my only advise is as someone already gave you: RUN.
There are a million guys out there without children and you have so much to offer. I know and understand your feeling for this guy goes a long way back but his daughter will completely overrun any relationship and smother all those feelings. In effect the girl will become your life, the focus of your life, to the detrement of everyone else.
Daddy desperately needs a mother for his girl and unless you're willing to sacrafice your life for this "love child" you need to get out while you can. DO NOT - I repeat DO NOT - have a child with this man for at least a year if you insist on getting married. A divorce down the line is inevitable so do not bring more children into what will become a broken home.
This is going to end badly.
You will never be the number
You will never be the number one woman in his life; it will always be his daughter. That is generally a good thing, but when you don't like the daughter, it's just going to cause friction in your relationship.
Being "madly in love" with someone is not a good reason to stick around. There are a ton of other things that need to be looked at, especially when kids enter the equation. There are a ton of things I could pick apart from your post to explain why I think staying in this relationship is a bad idea, but I really have no idea how much you want to try and force this to work. So my advice to your question of "how to be a good stepparent when you don't love the kid" is: Set up clear and defined boundaries of what you will be doing for the kid. You are NOT the mom and have no desire to step into the role (it seems). Just be a responsible adult in the kids life, not an open wallet trying to please.
I think you resent this kid
I think you resent this kid because she was the product of his cheating on you. Just a theory. I wouldn't like the kid either, if it were me. Don't trap yourself in this life. No man is worth the crap that you will, no doubt, go through if you stay with him.