Tired of Feeling Invisible!
Some background: I'm a fairly new Stepmom to 3 (2 SS, 20 years old and 18 years old and a SD that is 16) I also have 3 bio kids, but only my son, 14, lives with us full time. My daughter is away at college and my son is married and lives out of town.
My DH has had custody of his kids since his divorce 13 years ago, the BM is a piece of work, manipulative, spiteful etc. The kids were on a regular visitation schedule but now that they are older the boys hardly ever visit their BM and my SD goes back and forth between the two houses, usually deciding who she will stay with based on which parent she is mad at.
My biggest problem is that I feel invisible. My DH never consults me when he makes decisions about his kids that effect me. For example, my SD decided she wanted to come back home after staying with her BM for almost a year, she had a rabbit at her BM house. Last night I come home and my DH had given her permission to bring the rabbit to our house and keep it in her room without even mentioning it to me! Since we just renovated our house and have all new rugs in her bedroom, I'm thinking we should have had a conversation prior.
When I express my feelings, I feel like I'm being a bi***! My SK's are not bad kids, but my DH never follows through with any kind of consequences he doles out. He told the boys last week that he expected them home by midnight and weekdays and 2:00am on weekends. Well, less than a week later, my 18yo SS came home last night at 3:30am! They know he won't follow through and take advantage of it. I'm tired of living in a house that is controlled by children and I feel so powerless to do anything about it.
Any feedback you can give me would be helpful.
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Comments
I hear you regarding the
I hear you regarding the "Guilty Daddy", and I'm positive my DH suffers from the same ailment!
So, if I ignore the coming home at 3:30, what do I say to my 14yo when he wants to do it and using them as an example? That's where I'm stuck.
All of this... Use them as an
All of this...
Use them as an example right back. Explain to them that you are his mom and you want what is best for him and ask him what he thinks is best - make him put himself in the situation. IDK maybe it doesn't work. I have SD12 with no rules, no punishment, no follow through from DH on things we set up together and then I have to explain to BD12 that I am her mom, I will enforce the things we set forth even if DH won't to SD12, that she is my daughter and SD12 is not. i tell her that I love her and I have to do what I feel is best to raise her the way I want her raised. I remind her she needs to respect DH but that what he chooses to do with SD is his and her problem not my BD12s.
Yeah its a crock of shit. DH put me in this position. Maybe its a little candid with a 12 year to lay it out but if DH would stick to what we both agreed on, I wouldnt' be in the position to have to lay it out adult style to my kid. Of course she whines its not fair blah blah, I just tell her, its not fair your friend xyz is allowed such and such and just beacuse her mom or dad allows her it would be stupid for me to allow you - the same rule applies here, SD and DH are one family, we are another different rules.
Ahhh. This actually happened
Ahhh. This actually happened in my home. After I corrected my DD17's behavior recently, she asked why SS14 and SS12 could do something and she couldn't. I told her in front of DH that SS14 and SS12 were not my children, and I was not responsible for the type of adults they grew into and if their parent didn't care why should I! DD17 and DH both got the point!
OH MY GAWD!!! The rabbit
OH MY GAWD!!! The rabbit needs to GO...outside. Your dh was a total shithead to not discuss this with you.
OMG...when I kicked his nasty ass OUT, it took me FOUR DAYS and about $200 to get the STENCH out of the room - NOT just from the gerbils - from the skid as well.
I agree, it's gross. But now
I agree, it's gross. But now I feel like I'm stuck because it's already here. BTW, there's plenty of other places to keep the darn thing. We have a huge house with a enclosed porch, shed, garage, basement etc.
My DH and I have had the conversation several times about the "rent" issue. Specifically regarding the 20yo SS. He works full time, makes about $12 and hour and all he pays for is his cell phone, car insurance and entertainment. We pay for everything else, food, internet, utilities, mortgage, etc. Meanwhile he spends his money on concert tickets, hunting and fishing equipment, a motorcycle etc. Drives me crazy!
My husband seems to fear confronting his kids and following through with consequences. Although he hasn't verbalized it, I think his biggest fear is that they will run over to their BM house, like his daughter does. I think the kids know this and take advantage of it.
oh sweetie, it sounds like
oh sweetie, it sounds like you are in a battle you can never win. I don't mean to be negative on you - but I've fought the same battle and "lost" (won really - as in my FREEDOM from it all) - but the battle was hell on earth.
Hoping I can figure out a way
Hoping I can figure out a way to be personally OK with the situation and not let it effect me so much. I've given up hope that my DH will suddenly see the light and come around. But I love him to pieces.
The only thing I keep holding onto is that they are all older and hopefully will be gone soon. Feel kinda guilty verbalizing that but it's the truth.
I agree with this. These
I agree with this. These kids are all old enough for you to go to directly. It sounds as if you have tried to address some issues with your dh and he doesnt listen-so go right to the source. You dont like the rabbit in the bedroom? You can either a) tell her to remove the rabbit to some other location or b) wait til she's out and do it yourself. Noone consulted you on the rabbit being in the room, you have no need to consult anyone either. If one of my kids brought home a smelly rabbit and put it in their room, you can believe me that I would not feel the need to ask anyone's permission to remove it.
I think we get so caught up into thinking, "This isnt my kid-I shouldnt be telling them what to do or ordering them about"-BUT this IS your house. You have the right to tell any "tenant" what they can or can't do. It's really handy in your situation as all your tenants have someplace else they can live if they dont like your rules. You dont have to be mean or nasty, in fact, you can be quite polite when you state rules or do what you need to do. How they react is completely up to them.
If you dont want these "kids" out til 3:30am, then take their key, change the locks, again whatever you feel like you need to do. Again, dont get caught up into thinking its none of your business. This is your home. Personally, I wouldnt want anyone in my home coming in and out at 3:30am as I am a light sleep and I feel it would disrupt my sleep to have people coming and going at that hour.
Stop being so accommodating. These kids are going to stay with you all forever. You and your dh are financially supporting them and my guess is that you are probably cooking and cleaning for them as well. Stop.
I'd open the rabbit cage and
I'd open the rabbit cage and start screaming bloody murder when it comes up missing. "Who let the rabbit out? Where is it! Find it right now!" As you wipe your shoes off and hide the receipt from the pet shop.