Totallyfedup84's picture

Stepkid breaking me and dh up ... WTF :(

Ok so wtf... I didint think stupid ss was able to break me and dh up but I think today was the clincher.. I was up getting ssk ( stupid step kid) breakfast when I noticed his shirt was soaked, when I asked him why he said cause he was sucking on it.. Eww much ! So I took him to his room to get another shirt, while doin that dh desires to get out of bed and he asks what's goin on so I said ssk was hanging his shirt and then I noticed a bunch of scribbles of yellow on his closet door.. ( ss has habit of doing bad things like drawing with pen on our couches and blankets and doing bad stuff like that wrecking my home and dh has a record of being laxx about it and leaving the punishments up to me for the most part) so I get kinda mad about the crayon markings and ask ss why he did it and he just smiles and thinks its funny which infuriates me so then dh says " oh that's been there for a while now" I ask him why didint you tell me about it? Did u punish him or anything for that???!! And dh replies " wtf why are u so mad, no it was a while ago and I dunno..." so I'm mad cause ss gets away with murder with him a lot and it pisses me off cause its my home too and that's not how I want things to go when my baby gets here! So me and dh got in a fight about it yet again! ( we fought and I cried lots yesterday cause of the whole ss and stupid bm situation ( she's crazy!) and I Thot things were goin to get better than I see crayon that's apparently old and the issue was never resolved or cleaned up he wasint punished or nothing and dh let it go as he usually does and i say to dh that I don't want a pussy raising my son when he is born I want a disciplinarian and a man raising him, so imnot always the bad guy! And dh got real mad at that one lol and pretty much said well if that's how u feel than lets just f-ing break up then and I said fine! Then he takes his dumb kid and leaves and I text him saying u better get back here and pack your shit up cause I ain't doin it for u if we're broken up, then I waited an hour and no return so I took blankets and pillows and water and Took off in my car and I'm now sitting in a parking lot wondering what the hell I'm goin to do now I have little money on me , no job ATM and 6 months prego...I'm planing on no going home tonight and sleeping in my car of all lame things! And it's only noon! What the hell am I going to do all day haha wow today sucks balls!!! Happy Canada day!! YAA RIGHT!!! Now ppl , am I the crazy one here? I feel I may have gone but too far in being upset but we JUST had big talks about this stuff and dh stepping up ect.. Now this today, dh said I was lecturing him but I was calm at the beginning for the most part until he said f you to me.. Then the claws came out lol... Any advice on this one?? *sigh*


dtzyblnd's picture

Oh honey, BIG HUGS first and

Oh honey, BIG HUGS first and foremost.

I've had so many of these same fights with my DH that it's mind blowing.
And I've said the same things you've said to your DH, except I'm not having
a kid with my DH.

You are dealing with a man that won't properly parent his son and a child that
has all the power in your home. That's reality. And not only that, but a child
that knows how to wield that power over his father to get what he wants.

Your DH saying break up with me and leaving is one of two things:
(a) He really means it and you are no longer in a relationship
(b) It's a scare tactic to get you off his back.

What you need to do, while you are alone and away, is regroup and think
about what you really want out of all of this.

I learned that until DH was broad sided by his son's behavior, sadly by taking
the show outside the house and committing human rights violations in neutral
settings like daycare and school, there was NO WAY to get him to change and
get him to parent.

I disengaged from his son. I stopped caring what his child did to my house, to include
the holes in the wall, the burned carpets, the broken doors, etc... I just let my husband
see it for himself and deal with it himself.

Eventually, my DH had to face reality. And he had to act like a parent.

So, if you can find a way to just not bother with his son anymore, and I mean totally
NOT BOTHER with raising him, being any way shape or form a parent to him, and just do
your thing, then you stand a chance of fixing your relationship.

I have been back and forth on leaving DH over SS10. Breaks my heart even now thinking
about losing my husband over his child.

I put my marriage first, and never made his son a priority in my life. That's his responsiblity and not mine. It pisses ME OFF when SS10 writes on walls, put holes in MY WALLS coz I pay the damn mortgage, but my DH will make his son clean up his messes and stands over him to patch the holes up.

It's really up to you to figure out what your deal breakers are. Remember that kids
aren't forever in the aspect that you will be forced to do this your entire marriage. They grow up and move on.

****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!

smartone's picture

Yes, you went too far. If

Yes, you went too far.

If you, "JUST had big talks about this stuff and dh stepping up ect.." then why were YOU up making the skid breakfast and not dh? NONE of this would've happened if he were the one caring for his son. You are enabling him to NOT step up, so what do you expect? The crayon was likely there before you had these big talks, too, and you JUST noticed them...

We women expect men to do xyz, but then we do xyz before they even get a chance and then we get mad when they don't do it...

Let him parent. Expect him to parent. Your fight *might* have been about him not getting out of the bed when he should have, but eventually the skid would've gotten him up, I guarantee it.

dtzyblnd's picture

I agree to disagree on that

I agree to disagree on that one. I don't think she went to far. I agree about the rest, the doing stuff for her DH after the talk.

But, she was getting another shirt with SS, saw the crayon, he was giving disrespect and Daddy didn't do shit about it in front of her. I would expect my husband to tell his son, stop treating her that way, go eat your BKFST, and then talk to his wife alone. That's his responsibility, not hers.

And she did say she was calm until he said Fuck You. Now, depending on where you are from, that can be taken anyway.

If my man said FUCK YOU to me, oh hell he'd better buckle in for the crazy train, because that is the ultimate disrepectful thing to EVER say to your spouse. A preggo one at that. He should at least be a little teeny bit understanding to his pregnant wife. We get crazy emotional when the hormones are going wacky AND we are carrying these teeny beings inside that are doing cartwheels on our internal organs. That's enough to put you in a bad mood over a spot on a spoon!!!!

I think that they both had some blame in the fight. It takes two to tango. But his utter disregard for his wife's feelings and the situation HE put her in to begin with, and then just taking his kid and leaving, that's telling about where his priorities are. And that's NOT in wanting to compromise and fix things with his wife. Sorry.

****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!

Totallyfedup84's picture

Well to answer your question

Well to answer your question smart one.. I am kinda expected to get up wih skid in the mornings and feed him ect as dh works all week to support us, so I'm obligated to do this like I've tried to get out of it before cause skid is not my responsibility your right but dh gets upset cause he figures it's the least I can do to help out while he sleeps in on the weekends we have skid and I can understand that to a point cause he works 12 hour days out of ton and drives home everyday, but it's not my kid! And it's not like I sit in my home with my thumb up my ass all day! I cook for him almost every meal he eats I clean the house I buy groceries I take care of odds and ends and Im a regular doeting housewife for him I just feel so fed up with this all and your right I shouldn't enable dh to get away with parenting his kid anylonger well hat is if we are still together after this cause that looks pretty doubtful and now I'll be homeless and have to find a job or and be on welfare living in the ghetto part of town wih a newborn cause that's all I will be able to Offord .. Lol.. Jeez and I ask myself why I evergsve up my independence! Gave up my good job, my single fun life, for this! Stuck being a housewife maid and a babysitter to his stupid kid, I just wanna kick my ass.

saffron5567's picture

Damn, don't you hate when you

Damn, don't you hate when you make a grand gesture of leaving or smashing all the glasses in the house in anger and then realize you forgot the cash for the hotel or are thirsty and now have no vessel from which to drink?

You have to go home, pregnant woman, because it's like a million degrees outside, it's not safe to sleep in your car and why should you leave the crib?

I think I understand the situation. You were probably already at the end of your rope when you discussed this stuff and then, even though the crayon probably was already there, it just infused all those hormones and you flipped. Give yourself a break - you're pregnant and married to this guy who just dissed you in a most grand way. Your stepkid is a retard and you're probably realizing, like the rest of us have or will, that you are stuck with this little fuck (and the big one) for eternity.

I also vacillate between doing for my husband's kid and begrudging his kid. It's natural that some days you deal with the kid and some you don't. But for the sake of your stupid husband, you will have to be consistent in your actions. That's how you train a dog, dear.

Girl, you didn't overreact. If I saw that shit on my wall knowing I'll be the one who has to clean it off, I'd have flipped too. I mean, really, when is it EVER OK for a damn kid to draw on the walls? If he wasn't flipping out on the kid, there's something wrong with your husband for allowing that. Next it will be Magic Marker, then spray paint on someone else's house. I guess all that's OK too. Doesn't he realize you teach the kid not to draw on the walls with crayon so you never have to teach them it's not OK to spray paint "Fuck you" on the high school?

smartone's picture

"Damn, don't you hate when

"Damn, don't you hate when you make a grand gesture of leaving or smashing all the glasses in the house in anger and then realize you forgot the cash for the hotel or are thirsty and now have no vessel from which to drink?" roflmao

THIS is the part I meant you overreacted....when you left the house, not the fight. I don't understand why you left the house. Especially when it was only noon? LOL Blame pregnancy brain.

Totallyfedup84's picture

I left tr house cause i

I left tr house cause i wanted stupid dh to come home eventually to me not bein there and gone all night so he could think about what he really wants if he wants to step up or get out, I guess I wanted to do something I've never done before like not come home at night to make him realize that I mean fucking business this time, I dunno men are weird sometimes they need shock therapy lol

peryam's picture

I know exactly how you feel.

I know exactly how you feel. I am in a very similar situation, but from the sound of it my SS is a bit older. My DH left this weekend to take the the kids to their grandmas (8 hours away)for a visit. They go every summer for 2 weeks thank God! We had a fight the day he left and he barely even said goodbye. I really didn't want to be here when he got home. I wanted him to see that I am serious and not just all talk. I wanted him to hurt when he came home to an empty house.
But...I couldn't do it. At one point not too long ago he told me that if I ever left him he would just kill himself. If he really did, I couldn't take the guilt...so what did I do. I just stayed, and nothing changed...like always.

I have to say way to go on having the guts to walk out...even if it is just for a night. But also good luck. I hope things work out for you.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

So did you go back home?

So did you go back home? Are you ok?
Yes men need shock therapy sometimes.
They need short sentences with not a lot of big words to
Tell them anything.
They need to man up and stop being a wuss all their lives.
And a woman does not need to give up their independence and power just because
They are married or pregnant.
And a woman does not need to leave her home to make a point. That is playing games to make him worry about you.
That is not necessary. Someone has to be the grown up.
State your case. Put your feet up and call the pregnancy card if need be. You do not need the extra stress now. Your unborn baby does not need it. Your job right now is to protect your unborn baby's home. That is you. DH can care for his son or teach him to get up in the morning and care for his own basic needs until everyone is up for the day. How old is this kid? Why does DH need to sleep in on the visitation weekends? He gets up all the other days to go to work. Well his kid is his responsibility too. If the kid will not listen to you then DH has to deal with him. If you feel up to helping him out when you are being respected then so be it. Don't let him guilt you into it by him playing the I support everyone card. He asked you to be his wife. He got you pregnant. It is his responsibility to care for you and see that you are able to have a healthy pregnancy.
Don't let the stress of this jeporadize your health or the baby. It is not. Worth it. If DH cannot apologize and be civil to you then he can do all the care for his son.
If the kid likes to draw on the walls, provide him with a large pad of drawing paper or a section of drywall in the garage or somewhere and encourage his creativity. Draw with him. Have fun. Make it the thing you do together. Perhaps draw a big decorated banner to hang when the baby comes. For the other marks on the walls- give the kid a magic eraser sponge and have him clean off the marks.
And know that it's just a wall. It can be painted over. You have kids. Nothing is going to be perfect. May as well get a dog too!
But really, not picking on you. Give your self a break and try to enjoy your pregnancy. Focus on some positive things and this too shall pass.

TASHA1983's picture

ANY MAN THAT PUTS HIS ROTTEN,

ANY MAN THAT PUTS HIS ROTTEN, BRATTY, UNGRATEFUL KID(S) BEFORE HIS WIFE IS NOT WORTHY OF HER...PERIOD!!!!

NOT my kid....NOT my problem!!!

Your kid makes me want to overdose on birth control!!!

janeyc's picture

Oh God its another case of

Oh God its another case of damn "guilt parenting", it truly makes me sick and who suffers, people like you and me, no wonder you got so mad at his vandalism, I would too, what a pathetic excuse, oh its been there for a while, so your Husband did'nt think to come and make ss apologise for defacing your property? I had to threaten to leave my Bf, he was so soft on Sd6, she would be so horrible to me and he would laugh it off, I just did'nt get any respect, I think that you need to lay the law down with your Bf, you sound so unhappy and I can see why, tell him that if you and your home are not respected, he should leave, I know that you said that earlier, but if he skulks back hoping everythings ok now, say that. Life is too short to be unhappy, he needs to realise how much stress and upset him and his son are causing you.

Totallyfedup84's picture

Yes I was discoverd in the

Yes I was discoverd in the mcdonalds parking lot lol he found me there in my car few hours after I left cause he was going to buy his stupid kid a happy meal before he dropped him off with the bitch. He asked me why I had blankets and pillows in the back seat of my car lol he thought I was going to go sleep over at some guys house, which couldnt be further from the truth! i would never cheat on my love, love him way too much for that or i would have left long time ago ! so yes we talked things over yet again and he told me wanting to sleep in my car was a retarded idea and hes right! it was pretty stupid of me to want to do, just wasint thinking clearly ya know? was so upset, th ought everything was over, and nothing will ever change, he says he will work on changing cause he does have alot of guilt for his son, ect ect, so im hoping next time we get ss things will be different, then we went shopping and he bought me an ice cream cone haha and stupid SS didint get his happy meal! Dh spent whole time talking to me in the parking lot before he had to drop ss off, somehow that makes me feel good, like I came first! yay, its a start!

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

I am glad you are safe.

I am glad you are safe. Talking out the issues without anger and blame will help you and DH create a mature plan with rules and options for all of the children you will be raising together. Playing emotional blackmail games and threatening to leave at the drop of a hat will get you or him no where. A loving relationship is one where the partners strive to protect one another from hardship, hurt and stress. Not one where anyone would cause stress on purpose to get their way or win an argument. That is emotional abuse.
I got your message. I am glad something I wrote helped you.
This is the beginning of your life as a family unit. The time will go so fast, the days that fill the years and the memories you create for yourself and those children will be only in that moment under your power to influence in a healthy positive way.
Find some rescources to learn about parenting, relationships and self growth. Have people in your life who are positive examples of who you want in your life and your child's life. Read about women who have overcome their struggles and achieved balance and happiness. Do not isolate yourself in a world of stress and strife. Seek the change you want to have in your life. Be the change you want to see. Find it and invite your DH along to share your journey if he is willing to do the work.

Best regards.

Some other thoughts. It seems in this country and this generation there are too many children running households and not enough parents providing loving consistent instruction to train the children to one day become adults. This is seen in children from divorced homes as their parents feel guilty for something. It is not how it is supposed to be. Children are the result of a marriage, not the purpose of the marriage. The marriage must be first, united. Else the kids will divide to get their own way.

janeyc's picture

Well we do crazy things when

Well we do crazy things when we are upset, obviously it gave your husband a shock and he needed it, stick to your guns and insist on being respected, now you have something to work on.

Luna1234567's picture

Hey, We are in a very similar

Hey,
We are in a very similar situation you should read my post, it's called "I hate being a stepmom!" I'm also six months pregnant, have a SS6 and not much money....I can't really tell you what you should do since I'm trying to figure out what to do myself. The hardest part is that we're pregnant so we feel stuck. I send you big hugs!!!
If you find a solution to this problem....let me know.