farewelllove's picture

Stepson Lies Constantly and Now Husband want him to come live with us

Sad My stepson is visiting us for the summer and the lies have started up again. He wets the bed an lies about it constantly. He steals my husbands energy shot (keep in mind he's only 11) and lies and says my nephew stole them when he was here. He only comes clean when confronted several times. And now that he's about to turn 12 my husband wants to pursue custody of him. I have to be honest, I can't stand lying and I honestly don't know if I want to deal with this. My husband works away so he would be with me most of the time so I would be the main parent if he came to live with us. I know he has learned this behavior from his mother who lies constantly too. I am just so frustrated with it all right now. I keep fighting the feeling that this child is a no good liar just like his mother, which makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I feel like a horrible person for saying these things but I have to get them out somewhere.


farewelllove's picture

Thank you so much

Thank you so much takenforgranted! @Goods, what the heck does this have to do with shoes?

ashleysexymama1's picture

I have the same problem my

I have the same problem my SD7 is the biggest lier. it is getting out of hand she lies about every littel thing in not kidding. I cant satnd it nither and that is costing me my marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

farewelllove's picture

I'm glad to know I'm not

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this. I've tried talking to SS about telling the truth and letting him know I'll always tell him the truth and I expect the same and he will pretend to agree but turn around and lie about every little thing. I believe that the BM has him believing that lying is just a natural part of life since she does it so frequently. She lies to the point where I am certain that she has some sort of mental disorder. If she says its sunny out pack your umbrella for sure! And now SS is turning into here. I keep getting the quilt trip of how much of a better young man I could raise him to be and what a better quality of life I could give him. But he's already been to juvenile detention and has behavior problems in school, I think he's beyond any help I could give him. She's ruined him the same way she did with his older brother (not for DH).

smartone's picture

I had a lying sd, too and her

I had a lying sd, too and her dad would even lie for her. It was a freakin circus.

Just because a child is older doesn't mean anything to most judges. Something has to be drastically different to overturn a custody order. But I would tell him you couldn't live with it.

Kes's picture

If your husband works away -

If your husband works away - your stepson coming to live with you is not an option unless you actively WANT him to come. And it certainly doesn't sound that way. Any parent who wants custody has to be around a decent amount of time and do the lion's share of the parenting. Expecting YOU to do it for him is not on.

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

Delilah's picture

I think you need to remember

I think you need to remember that you have an equal say in your own home, regardless if your DH has children by another woman, they should never use these children as guilt chips to beat their partner into submission. Seems a small element of this is happening here, as you mention you are being guilted by the fact you are a better role model than his mother.

I can appreciate the fact your DH wants to parent his son and that is why he wants him to move in, any parent would do the same to *save* their child from the wrong path however I would like to know how your DH parents? I also think its EXTREMELY worrying that his mother has nutured his behaviour through formative years, meaning its going to be HARD work to change him (if you can), that YOU will be the main care giver, that your ss already has been in trouble with the cops, that he lies and blames others for his behaviour.

The ONLY way you have a shot at making this work is the following:
1) DH becomes the main caregiver...so he changes his job and or schedule
2) DH is a strict, consistent parent, setting consequences.
3) DH is a supportive husband who listens to you without judgement, supports you, backs you up and respects your opinion. You arent expected to do things if you dont want.
4) Your ss gets intensive therapy with a fantastic counsellor
5) Your ss is enrolled in activites, summer school
6) DH gets a regular babysitter so you can have date nights. He involves his family to become hands on if possible. (so if you can have the odd night away/romantic weekend this will help).
7) That BM gets consistent access to enable you both to have some time alone.
Cool you get a lock for your valuables

If your DH isnt supportive and isnt strict with his parenting then forget it!

hismineandours's picture

I just got my lying ss14 out

I just got my lying ss14 out of my house last night. Dont let him pursue custody!! It horrible, worse than you can even imagine. I was doing the majority of parenting as well due to dh's health issues and it did NOT work out at ALL. I finally told dh he had to go and reminded him that he is not in a position to care for himself much less a 14 year old defiant oppositional kid. He agreed.

If your dh is not home he CAN'T care for him. And he needs to be the one doing. Your skid would need him to be the one doing it. You and your dh are not interchangeable parts.

And sadly if he is almost 12 years old, my guess is that no matter what your dh tried to do he's not going to "save" this kid. His "morals and values" are already ingrained in him and just by living in your home you are not going to change that. Trust me, been there done that.

MyMistake's picture

Yes, agreed...no not pursue

Yes, agreed...no not pursue custody. I live with my lying SS15 and he has gotten better about it only because I think is afraid of me and knows that I can catch him on any lie or sneaky little plan he devises. It is hard work to do this, mind you, but now that he knows I am on to him the lying/stealing/sneaking he does it less (by this I mean weekly instead of daily. Its a constant energy drain, you don't want that in your life. I have no choice because SS mom is deceased and no one else in the family will take him because they know what a pain he is.

Orange County Ca's picture

It takes a mother to raise a

It takes a mother to raise a boy. It takes a father to raise a man.

It does seem the boy has inherited his mothers brain which is missing that part which differentiates from truth and fiction. I know how frustrating it as as my ex was that way. Literally believed her own lies even when confronted with evidence - which "someone made up".

Since the boy is with you for the summer make a deal with Dad that if after intensive counseling during the summer the lying has ceased or substantially decreased you'll consider it. In my opinion this will not be possible but who knows? If you end up with a boy missing his only objectional trait you might actually like him. If not well you gave it the college try right? Can't blame you and regardless of how well he does you just said you'd "consider it" not promising a thing.

It might work out. If its learned behavior counseling can help and it'll save the boy from uncountable griefs in adulthood.

hereiam's picture

If your husband is not even

If your husband is not even going to be around most of the time to do the parenting, how does he think it is okay to pursue custody?

Delilah is right, DH would need to be the main caregiver, not you. Unless, of course, you were okay with that and it sounds as if you are not (I don't blame you).

NCP's need to think about what having custody really means. If they had no spouse to raise their kids for them, could they do it?

TASHA1983's picture

I am in agreement with ALL of

I am in agreement with ALL of you! It is extremely unfair and selfish of DH to even think of pursuing full custody of HIS CHILD with out your input and feelings being considered!!! If he will NOT BE the MAIN caregiver or even willing to do the vast majority of it then the option of him going after full custody should be OFF THE TABLE!!!

How dare any man do that or expect that from their wife/gf!!! I KNOW the majority if not all of the women on here that have kids from a previous relationship do not EXPECT or demand etc their dh/bf to do what these men expect us to do for their kids!!!!

Me personally, I do not ASK/EXPECT/DEMAND/MAKE my bf do anything for my son...if he does anything for my son it is HIS CHOICE to do things for or with my son!!!

The f'n nerve of these men even considering taking on their kids full time without so much as talking to you or asking you or considering your feelings is ABSOLUTELY DEPLORABLE!!!

This whole situation pisses me the f*** off!!!! I am so sorry you have to go thru this Sad

NOT my kid....NOT my problem!!!

Your kid makes me want to overdose on birth control!!!