ms_peterson's picture

Annoyed!!

So a few days ago my boyfriend and I were dropping off his girls with their BM. The oldest does not like going to her mother's house, who has her during the week. She started crying and screaming, saying "I want to stay with daddy and (my name)!" Since I'm on summer break--I'm a teacher--my boyfriend asked if the oldest one could stay with us two more days because her mother didn't want to deal with her daughter's emotional fit. I would be the one staying at home with her, so I was involved in the decision making. I told him I wanted to talk to the older daughter so I got out and tried to comfort her and tell her how much her mommy missed her, etc. She said she didn't care, she wanted to be with me and her dad. Her mother said she didn't care what her daughter chose to do. I looked at her mom and said "is it okay if she calls you if she feels she needs to?" This is ALL I said to her. She said "yes."

So two days later, this _______ sends my boyfriend an email saying how inappropriate it was that I got involved in the situation, and that I shouldn't have said anything or gotten out of the vehicle at all because the issue was between the two of them. I call JEALOUS here!! Here's how I feel about it: if you could comfort your own child, and make your child want to come home with you, I wouldn't have to try by saying GREAT things about you; if I'm the one that would have to give the okay since she was going to be at home with me and I would be responsible for her, you are DARN RIGHT I am going to interject into the situation. I understand that most of the time, I won't be involved in those sorts of decisions, but if I'm the one at home with the child, I definitely have a say.

Am I wrong? Be honest!


BSgoinon's picture

Honestly, I actually

Honestly, I actually understand where she is coming from.

I feel like your BF should have been the one to get out of the car and comfort his daughter. I totally understand being the one that it effects. I am usually the one that is with SS. Not BM, not DH... ME. But... I don't think I would get out of the car and comfort him. It is hard enough that there kids are choosing us over BM in the first place, then she has to play witness to the affection that goes along with it. BM and I have a pretty good relationship, and she KNOWS how much SS loves me, and I still would not do this.

I don't think that you are a bad person for doing this. I know exactly WHY you did it. I just have sympathy on the BM as it was totally rubbed in her face. I even understand why she waited and emailed later. She likely didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids. And that is so much more than most of the BM's that we all know and love.

It is nice that you have a good relationship with Bf's kids. I love to hear about that. But I also believe that BF should be the representative (so to speak) for your household.

Just MHO.

"They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that is why they hated me."- Sheldon Lee Cooper

ms_peterson's picture

My BF did get out of the car.

My BF did get out of the car. The only reason I got out is because I am the one who was to decide if she was going to be allowed to stay with me or not.

I understand her side, but honestly, she wouldn't be doing this if she wasn't the extremely jealous woman that she is. If she took better care of her children and paid more attention to them while they were with her, the oldest one--who can comprehend what's going on--would want to spend more time with her.

This woman knew my first and last name within a week of me dating her EX husband. She also found out where I worked through his Facebook page, which he has since deleted so she can't spy on him. She's out of her mind.

I'll always be gracious, because my stepgirls deserve that from me. I won't be like their mother--petty, narcissistic, nasty, vindictive, and unhappy with herself.

BSgoinon's picture

I understand that. And I am

I understand that. And I am sure she is a bit nutty. Trust me, I understand a nutty BM!!

It's good to know BF was out of the car already. I think the issue is that you injected yourself. If they were having a conversation about SD staying and BF needed to clear it with you, then he could have popped his head in the car and said "hey, are you ok with this" and moved on. You stated that you told BF that you wanted to get out and talk to SD. THAT is what I would have a problem with.

I don't know all of the details of the situation, obviously. And I could be WAY off base, but based on the OP, I would say it was a bit out of line and I would understand BM feeling like you stepped on her toes, so to speak. You wanted honesty, that is how I honestly feel, based on the info you gave.

Like I said, I don't think you are a bad person. It sounds like your intension are good and that you really care for the kids. There is nothing wrong with that. I make almost every decision for SS. Heck, I make the majority of the decision regarding SS even when he is at BM's house,because it usually involves ME (Mrs Taxi driver) but DH is the one that relays the info. He is the spokeperson.

"They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that is why they hated me."- Sheldon Lee Cooper

Ommy's picture

Honestly an email is a lot

Honestly an email is a lot better then her dragging a kicking/screaming kid in the house like my BM did to SD5 last year. It was bad, she literally drug her daughter across the cement. You could have it worse.

Toooldfor this's picture

It may have been hard for the

It may have been hard for the BM to witness this, but she needs to ask herself why her daughter would not want to come home to her. And I'm sorry, but if I saw a child in pain, I wouldn't wait for either biological parent to respond. I would comfort that child and let the chips fall were they may. Sounds like two biological parents failed to respond to their child and one unrelated adult did. If the bios had responded, you wouldn't have had to get out of the car.

cant win for losin's picture

^^^^yea what goods said. well

^^^^yea what goods said.

well said goods, i especially like the part where you babbled on and threw in some links. very helpful. hope to see you on the next page also. Laughing out loud

smartone's picture

I have problems with this

I have problems with this entire situation. I'm both a bm and have been a sm, I know how it is.

The only part you should've been involved in was deciding if you wanted her for a couple more days. That did not require you talking to SD.

It's possible that the bios want to handle her fits a certain way, and it may not include comforting. Not sure how old she is, but she just manipulated all three of you to get what she wants.

The truth is, it doesn't matter how crappy or how awesome bm is, it is always harder having kids on a regular basis than on fun weekends with biodad and gf. That is why bm's don't feel the need to constantly entertain their kids. I don't know this bm's situation, but judging her by her child wanting to stay with you isn't right. You say she is extremely jealous, and I feel that if that were true, she would make her daughter stay with her instead of letting her spend more time with the two of you. They tend to use the kids to punish dads that way. I also notice she did not make a scene in front of the kids.

IMO, you are misjudging her based on the fact that you are unable to see things from her perspective.

ms_peterson's picture

I try my best to see things

I try my best to see things from her perspective, always. I have had the girls make gifts for her (many of which I've made entirely on my own because they proved to be too hard for the children who picked them out), I audibly say things like "have fun with mommy!" when we drop them off, etc. In the past, she has made several scenes, including hitting my boyfriend in front of the children, making false allegations against him to get what she wants, her deciding when she is going to follow the custody stipulations, etc.

If you knew this woman, who is definitely a narcissist, you would understand that the only reason she allowed her daughter to stay in the first place was because she didn't want to deal with her daughter's fit, because her daughter has them whenever we attempt to drop her off. Usually, they force her to go. This time, she just threw her hands in the air. Yesterday, she showed up out of nowhere and took the oldest daughter from the house, and there was nothing I could do because my boyfriend and I are not yet married and he wasn't here. She got here before him on purpose because she knew I couldn't do anything. She is a conniving, calculating, manipulative woman. It was horrible. I could not sleep last night for several hours, and still feel my adrenaline pumping this morning.

My point is, although I've tried to see things from her perspective, it's hard to stay out of things when I know she's a NUTBAG. NUT. BAG. I know I have to learn to, though--out of respect for my boyfriend, not for her. One day, his girls will choose to live with him, and she will see the consequences of the horrible behavior she has been exhibiting (and yes, I've witnessed all of it before anyone has the audacity to tell me that I'm biased because of my relationship with my boyfriend). The first consequence has already hit her: her daughter would rather be at our house than with her.

I'll always be gracious, because my stepgirls deserve that from me. I won't be like their mother--petty, narcissistic, nasty, vindictive, and unhappy with herself.

stepmisery's picture

If SD's life is like most of

If SD's life is like most of the population, what happens during the week is Real Life. It's the drudge stuff - work, school. Weekend is Fun Life.

It may be that during Fun Life, there is more money to spend on fun activities. Real Life probably means chores and not much money or time for fun stuff during the week.

You'd have to be a some kind of super salesman to entice a child to WANT to do regular ordinary boring life over fun weekend stuff.

I do think that by getting out of the care and making a show of trying to convince the child that Mom is so great, it can be perceived that you are trying to rub Mom's nose in something.

Take an honest look at the lifestyle. Does SD have regular chores? Does she have downtime where she has to amuse herself? Are there long stretches of boring time at Dad's house? A lot of EOW parents don't actually require chores and such of the kids because the parent wants to enjoy what little time is available with the child. That means the CP is stuck with all the week long regular boring work and if the kid is coming every weekend, that means CP never gets a chance to just have a fun weekend.

So the issue might not be that SD loves one place over the other. It might not be anything more than in one place she has few chores or responsibilities and lots of fun things occurring.

ms_peterson's picture

She's very young. She has

She's very young. She has more discipline and responsibility at our house than she does at her mother's.

I'll always be gracious, because my stepgirls deserve that from me. I won't be like their mother--petty, narcissistic, nasty, vindictive, and unhappy with herself.

Jsmom's picture

Stay in the car next time and

Stay in the car next time and learn from this. She felt undermined by you and it was understandable. As SM's we have to tread so lightly on this stuff. This is why we should not be involved in the drop offs and pickups and limit our communication with BM's, nothing good ever comes from it.

ms_peterson's picture

She has a history of violence

She has a history of violence against him, which is why I go so he has a witness.

I'll always be gracious, because my stepgirls deserve that from me. I won't be like their mother--petty, narcissistic, nasty, vindictive, and unhappy with herself.

Orange County Ca's picture

Just don't do it again. You

Just don't do it again. You stepped on her toes. Minor infraction considering the circumstances but something you can let go of.

ybarra357's picture

"my boyfriend asked if the

"my boyfriend asked if the oldest one could stay with us two more days because her mother didn't want to deal with her daughter's emotional fit. I would be the one staying at home with her, so I was involved in the decision making"

Lesson learned...never, ever consider watching this kid by yourself again! She is biomom's and SO problem. No good deed goes unpunished!!