tweetybird74's picture

They are a package deal!

I have only been a member of this site for a few weeks and have read many of the post on here in hopes of finding some help for my current situation. Which is trying to build a relationship with my SS17. There is a lot to my story which I am not going to get into as this is not what my post is about. My post is about all us step parents who go into relationships with people who had children. We knew this when we met them. Now I know situations can change from the skids being their all the time to only once in a while. I get that. But my issue is WE all knew they had kids with someone else. I see so many people commenting that " you wanted the relationship with your partner not the kids" But they are a package deal. You can't have one without the other. I also realize that there are EX's etc to contend with. By NO means is any of this easy. You can't make your partners choose their kids or you that is NOT fair to them. The kids were there before we were, we are the adults NOT them. We need to start acting like it and if we can handle the heat then get out of the fire!

Disneyfan's picture

Oh boy, this is going to get

Oh boy, this is going to get interesting.

cant win for losin's picture

i see your lips movin, but

i see your lips movin, but all i hear is "blah blah blah"


oncechoosetosmile's picture

(putting my seat belts on...)

(putting my seat belts on...)

I am back -with new and different problems, grrr

Echo's picture

Once again, assuming the

Once again, assuming the position...

Curled up in the corner, arms wrapped around my knees, rocking and muttering "Nogoodcancomeofthis nogoodcancomeofthis nogoodcancomeofthis..."

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Kes's picture

I am a bit puzzled, as you

I am a bit puzzled, as you say you have only been on the site a few weeks, yet your bio states over 2 years.
You must have seen that we get posts like this every so often ie "you knew what you were getting into" posts - and they do nothing except make people irate, because it is such a naive and simplistic statement.
Not really sure why you would want to post this unless you want to get heavily criticised.

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

tweetybird74's picture

No not looking to get

No not looking to get critisised at all. But it is the truth. I have had many issues with my SD17 for the past 8 years, but I know that he and his father are a package deal. I signed up for it by moving along in the relationship. No skids are perfect mine included and yes some are much worse than others from what I have read. I get there are so many issues that step parents have to deal with, the skids the partner the ex's, and each day can be a real challenge, so days I would like nothing more than to close myself in a room and never come out! My SS does not always respect me or my opinions ( i do not discipline him that is his dads job)but I do step in if things get out of hand. I don't get mothers day gifts or cards. I don't get called mom (cause I am not his mom). Maybe I am just lucky in some respects that I am thanked by my SS for making meals, cleaning the house (even his dad does not do that). I know many on here have some real nightmares they are dealing with. My point is when we chose to get into a relationship with our partners then we chose the fact as well that they have kids and kids don't just go away. I may upset people and I'm sorry that is not my intention.
I may have signed up for this site 2 years ago, but this is really the first time I have come on here in the last 2 weeks looking for some help by reading through peoples posts.

Kes's picture

I had had two daughters who

I had had two daughters who were 17 and 19 when I met my DH. When I found out he had 2 daughters also - I thought "fine - been there, done that, got the Tshirt - how hard can it be?" Turns out BEYOND MY WILDEST NIGHTMARES! sorry to shout, but what with the psycho NPD BM, and the hostile SDs, I have had 10 years of hell, and have had to disengage in order to cope with it. THis was after spending several years bending over backwards trying to make it work with them.

If your SS thanks you for your household work, consider yourself lucky, but I think you are in a very small minority. The only thing my SDs would thank me for, probably, would be dying, so they could dance on my grave. I had NO IDEA that in chosing to be with my DH I was also chosing a sojourn in hell.

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

tweetybird74's picture

No your right you don't. I

No your right you don't. I really wonder how all the partners feel about how much step parents seem to HATE their kids? If these were your BIO kids and you partner HATED your child how would you feel? I am just asking, cause I think if it was me my kids would be more important than any partner and if they hated my kids they would not be in my life

just.his.wife's picture

I married my partner due to

I married my partner due to loving him. His personality, beliefs, morals etc.

If my partner looked me in the face and said "I hate your kids." I will admit my first reaction would be a kick to the nuts. Second would be to take a look at those kids and figure out wtf they are doing that would cause a man of this caliber to hate them.

The same is also true in reverse. When I disengaged and told him why: he got it. He is not happy about it, but he understands and for the past few weeks has been amazing at slamming his obnoxious little heathens (bless their hearts) back within boundaries.

Not claiming the skids anymore, I am just his wife.

dledden's picture

it's OK with me if my partner

it's OK with me if my partner doesn't love my kids...i'm the primary caregiver around here, they get more love and hugs and kisses, etc. from me than they'll ever need. He's kind to them and knowing how I feel about his kid, that's all i can ask for and expect. I can't stand my stepson, I tolerate him at best. Probably the same way fiancee feels about mine, and that's OK. I have found that it is VERY VERY hard, maybe impossible to bond with and really love someone else's children. At least for me. i make sure ss8's basic needs are met, that's really the best i'm able to do. love and affection he needs to get from his father, grandparents, etc.

If GOD wanted me to LOVE my SKID, he'd have made me his BIO MOMMA!!!

StepAside's picture

If my kids treated anyone

If my kids treated anyone like my SD's have treated me, I would expect their target to be filled with resentment. Intentional aggressive, disrespectful and spiteful behavior is not normally a trait that parent's approve of in their children.

However, after divorce, it is very common for PAS parents to capitalize on their children's naivete for their own purposes.

They grow warriors, who serve as their loyal defenders.

How would I feel if I had kids who behaved like that and my spouse hated them? I'd take MYSELF out to the woodshed and beat myself with a horse whip until I was bloody. Shame on ME for failing as a parent.


tweetybird74's picture

I just think if step parents

I just think if step parents are that miserable with the skids around etc...then why be there.Why should you have to hide in your room, avoid the skids, go out and leave your home? If it was this bad why even bother being there at all? The skids aren't going to vanish into thin air any time soon. And even when they are old enough to move out and live on their own, they are still going to be a part of their parents lives.

Lostinthemadness's picture

Maybe if the bio parents

Maybe if the bio parents actually parented then the stepkids wouldn`t be the nightmare that they are.

As for knowing what you were getting 9 out of 10 examples here at s`talk the partners changed after marriage (or commitment step such as moving in), and so did the kids.

It is a very idealistic and indeed juvenile statement to throw out that EVERYONE knew what they were getting into, maybe YOU did and didn`t think it through enough, but you aren`t everyone.

`Tis better to stay quiet and be thought stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

yes, I am thinking that there

yes, I am thinking that there is a big difference between adult skids and children.At some stage the responsibility starts and many Smoms here are treatedlike crap from their grown up skids, often backed up from the guilty dads who still believes that their offsprings behaviour is innocent and that they are babies.

I am back -with new and different problems, grrr

tweetybird74's picture

I do not think my statement

I do not think my statement is juvenille at all. It is a fact, we all knew they had kids, unless of course people came out of the wood work and claimed your partner was the parent to their child. And I agree that the bio parents need to parent their kids and if they don't then whos fault is it? The kids? NO But so many people on here are bashing these kids and hating them. It is quite sad really. Trust me my SS has not been perfect nor has my partner, but I guess he has been a good communicater and a decent parent. My SS has had many issues with School and never doing his homework, he has drank, smoked pot, done cocaine, stole from his Grandma, but to be honest he could be much worse. Trust me I know it is not easy, but I also think if I was as miserable as some people appear to be from their posts then I would be out of there.

just.his.wife's picture

Holy Shyte. If her ss is a

Holy Shyte. If her ss is a thieving alcoholic with a crack habit on the side and its not that bad that he is part of the package I seriously have to wonder wth the OP is sharing with him! Must be some good stuff!!

Not claiming the skids anymore, I am just his wife.

doll faced sm's picture

Taking a cue from another

Taking a cue from another poster recently on a different thread.

I'm thinking of a word. It rhymes with knoll . . .

Teens: "What can we do; where can we go?" Go home; mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities; your parents do not owe you fun.

Disneyfan's picture

I know bio parents that would

I know bio parents that would never put up with that shit. There's no way in the world a stepparent should.

tweetybird74's picture

Nope life is not fair, but

Nope life is not fair, but then again I am not the one on here complaining tat my skids are ruining my life, my relationship and dreading them coming for the summer. I live with my SS everyday 24/7 and have for 4 years. Some days he drives me up the wall but I do not HATE him, I do not wish he would move out or disappear. I am not here to argue I just think if people are that miserable or HATE their SKIDS then when stay in the situation? You did not get into a relationship with a single person, you got into a relationship with someone who had kids with someone else! That is not going to change and you can't change anyone else but yourself.

Aeron's picture

Why stay? Well a lot of

Why stay? Well a lot of people are married and take their marriage vows seriously and love their spouse. A lot of people have children with their spouse and don't want to break up their family. And a lot of the time, leaving isn't all that simple. There a lot of legal, financial, emotional mess involved. SO they come here to vent so that they can be nice to their stepkid and not lose the person they love, life as they know it, their home, etc etc. Life isn't as simple as you're making it out to be. Neither are the emotions toward the stepkids. You can have a love/hate relationship with them. You can care about them, want what's best for them, love them and still despise them and want them to go away. And from a lot of crap I read that's posted by bio parents, that's not just a step situation.

MyMistake's picture

I agree with Aeron

I agree with Aeron

tweetybird74's picture

@dondiva, I said he tried it,

@dondiva, I said he tried it, as many teenagers "try" things, he is not perfect and as most kids they are trying to find their path in life. Fortunately he found those paths were not good choices and learned from them. Most SANE people would not put their spouse/partner in a position to choose, but from what I have read on here that is exactly what many are doing, they want the skids gone, they don't want them to come into their homes, so basically they want their partners to say No you can't come to our home because so and so does not want you here! I don't know maybe I am wrong but that says to me CHOSE them or me?

Lioness77's picture

^^^ I second that part about

^^^ I second that part about frustration

Lioness77's picture

^^^ TOTALLY agree!!

^^^ TOTALLY agree!!

tweetybird74's picture

@Aeron, I get what you are

@Aeron, I get what you are saying and no just leaving is not an easy option or anything to take lightly. I am just going by alot of what I have read on here, and it does not always seem that everyone is asking for help or advice but more looking for people to back up their rants and keep it rolling. Stepparenting is not easy I agree, it has been one of the most challenging things I have done, and may I am fortunate to have a partner who is understanding and communicates with me to help me and his son work together. It has not always been easy. I am not trying to make it black and white. There are ways to make things better for everyone in the situation but I have even noticed many Step parents on here are not even willing to go to counselling? Maybe they are beyond frustrated I do not know.'s picture

Well, guess what? When you

Well, guess what? When you are involved in ANY WAY WHAT SO EVER with a man with kids, you can't win. I saw the issues...I decided pretty quick that I would not marry this man, no way could we blend our families with the problems with the exw and our parenting differences due to his coddling/Disney Dad behavior. We do not live together. And STILL I get grief because apparently I am supposed to be stand-in mom when he has his kids. I'm supposed to plan my weekends around them, spend time with them, let them in my house to trash, and cater to their desires. And so are my kids. *I* control my life and my happiness, *I* decide how much drama I'm going to let into it, and if that doesn't include his weekends with his kids, I should have that right. But NOPE. So you can't win.

And no...there aren't plenty of men out there without kids at my age. But these men are old enough to see the stupid things they are doing and get a grip on how they are raising their children. I think most SM's have a bigger problem with the SO than the skids. The skids are doing what the bios allow...and that's the bios fault.

Lioness77's picture

In this day in age, people

In this day in age, people aren't always getting married. They choose to coparent and cohabitate and share a space, so no. Not being married doesn't make much of a differnce.
You can very much be a REAL stepparent as a partner. The piece of paper isn't going to change much in the relationship structure

unbelieveable's picture


THUMBS UP TO YOU! I wish I was that smart...and on another note...I am only 27 and where I live...EVERYONE has kids...even my own age because apparently within the last ten years there has been a major baby boom and no one knows anything about contraception. I wish I would have been as smart as you and not have been so quick to move in...I now believe I was the dumbest 22 year old EVER. I will say my "not so DH" as I have also decided to decline on the marriage part "Just in case" I cannot handle things one day...he is actually pretty wonderful for the most part - and the kids have improved tremondously in the last 5 years...nowhere near where I'd like them to be but that's because they are only with us every weekend and sometimes one day out of the week. Congrats on your wonderful decisions! hmm...maybe I will just get my own place...

tweetybird74's picture

Yes i do realize it is a site

Yes i do realize it is a site for step parents to vent...DUH....but there is venting and then there is down right hatred. I vent about my SS to friends all the time, well I used to but now that he is almost 18 years old, he is growing up and I can talk to him like an adult we work out our stuff and go on.
@dondiva, I am not sure what world you are living in but trying cocaine once does not make someone a crack head? I never tried it when I was a teenager either but just cause he tried it does not make him a CRACK HEAD really? Taking an old MP3 player from his grandma does not make him hardened criminal. And because he tried Alcohol with his friends does not make him an alcoholic! And yes it could be worse. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I originally came on this site for some advice about my SS and after reading all the posts I decided that I would not post my story or ask for anyones advice because it just seems like everyone wants to bitch about how bad their lives are. Just remember your skids are that KIDS, many are not Adults like us, we need to be the ADULTS. Just remember one day they will be ADULTS out in the world and will always remember how much their step parents hated them (yes they know you do not like them/hate them) they are human beings after all not lumps of dirt!

tweetybird74's picture

Nope not on drugs! BTW there

Nope not on drugs! BTW there is a long story behind why he does not respect his grandmother, but not getting into that with you. It is not worth my time or energy to deal with someone as perfect as you are!