tweetybird74's picture

They are a package deal!

I have only been a member of this site for a few weeks and have read many of the post on here in hopes of finding some help for my current situation. Which is trying to build a relationship with my SS17. There is a lot to my story which I am not going to get into as this is not what my post is about. My post is about all us step parents who go into relationships with people who had children. We knew this when we met them. Now I know situations can change from the skids being their all the time to only once in a while. I get that. But my issue is WE all knew they had kids with someone else. I see so many people commenting that " you wanted the relationship with your partner not the kids" But they are a package deal. You can't have one without the other. I also realize that there are EX's etc to contend with. By NO means is any of this easy. You can't make your partners choose their kids or you that is NOT fair to them. The kids were there before we were, we are the adults NOT them. We need to start acting like it and if we can handle the heat then get out of the fire!


Disneyfan's picture

Oh boy, this is going to get

Oh boy, this is going to get interesting.

cant win for losin's picture

i see your lips movin, but

i see your lips movin, but all i hear is "blah blah blah"

Cool

oncechoosetosmile's picture

(putting my seat belts on...)

(putting my seat belts on...)

—

I am back -with new and different problems, grrr

Echo's picture

Once again, assuming the

Once again, assuming the position...

Curled up in the corner, arms wrapped around my knees, rocking and muttering "Nogoodcancomeofthis nogoodcancomeofthis nogoodcancomeofthis..."

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Kes's picture

I am a bit puzzled, as you

I am a bit puzzled, as you say you have only been on the site a few weeks, yet your bio states over 2 years.
You must have seen that we get posts like this every so often ie "you knew what you were getting into" posts - and they do nothing except make people irate, because it is such a naive and simplistic statement.
Not really sure why you would want to post this unless you want to get heavily criticised.

—

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

tweetybird74's picture

No not looking to get

No not looking to get critisised at all. But it is the truth. I have had many issues with my SD17 for the past 8 years, but I know that he and his father are a package deal. I signed up for it by moving along in the relationship. No skids are perfect mine included and yes some are much worse than others from what I have read. I get there are so many issues that step parents have to deal with, the skids the partner the ex's, and each day can be a real challenge, so days I would like nothing more than to close myself in a room and never come out! My SS does not always respect me or my opinions ( i do not discipline him that is his dads job)but I do step in if things get out of hand. I don't get mothers day gifts or cards. I don't get called mom (cause I am not his mom). Maybe I am just lucky in some respects that I am thanked by my SS for making meals, cleaning the house (even his dad does not do that). I know many on here have some real nightmares they are dealing with. My point is when we chose to get into a relationship with our partners then we chose the fact as well that they have kids and kids don't just go away. I may upset people and I'm sorry that is not my intention.
I may have signed up for this site 2 years ago, but this is really the first time I have come on here in the last 2 weeks looking for some help by reading through peoples posts.

Kes's picture

I had had two daughters who

I had had two daughters who were 17 and 19 when I met my DH. When I found out he had 2 daughters also - I thought "fine - been there, done that, got the Tshirt - how hard can it be?" Turns out BEYOND MY WILDEST NIGHTMARES! sorry to shout, but what with the psycho NPD BM, and the hostile SDs, I have had 10 years of hell, and have had to disengage in order to cope with it. THis was after spending several years bending over backwards trying to make it work with them.

If your SS thanks you for your household work, consider yourself lucky, but I think you are in a very small minority. The only thing my SDs would thank me for, probably, would be dying, so they could dance on my grave. I had NO IDEA that in chosing to be with my DH I was also chosing a sojourn in hell.

—

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

tweetybird74's picture

No your right you don't. I

No your right you don't. I really wonder how all the partners feel about how much step parents seem to HATE their kids? If these were your BIO kids and you partner HATED your child how would you feel? I am just asking, cause I think if it was me my kids would be more important than any partner and if they hated my kids they would not be in my life

just.his.wife's picture

I married my partner due to

I married my partner due to loving him. His personality, beliefs, morals etc.

If my partner looked me in the face and said "I hate your kids." I will admit my first reaction would be a kick to the nuts. Second would be to take a look at those kids and figure out wtf they are doing that would cause a man of this caliber to hate them.

The same is also true in reverse. When I disengaged and told him why: he got it. He is not happy about it, but he understands and for the past few weeks has been amazing at slamming his obnoxious little heathens (bless their hearts) back within boundaries.

—

Not claiming the skids anymore, I am just his wife.

dledden's picture

it's OK with me if my partner

it's OK with me if my partner doesn't love my kids...i'm the primary caregiver around here, they get more love and hugs and kisses, etc. from me than they'll ever need. He's kind to them and knowing how I feel about his kid, that's all i can ask for and expect. I can't stand my stepson, I tolerate him at best. Probably the same way fiancee feels about mine, and that's OK. I have found that it is VERY VERY hard, maybe impossible to bond with and really love someone else's children. At least for me. i make sure ss8's basic needs are met, that's really the best i'm able to do. love and affection he needs to get from his father, grandparents, etc.

—

If GOD wanted me to LOVE my SKID, he'd have made me his BIO MOMMA!!!

StepAside's picture

If my kids treated anyone

If my kids treated anyone like my SD's have treated me, I would expect their target to be filled with resentment. Intentional aggressive, disrespectful and spiteful behavior is not normally a trait that parent's approve of in their children.

However, after divorce, it is very common for PAS parents to capitalize on their children's naivete for their own purposes.

They grow warriors, who serve as their loyal defenders.

How would I feel if I had kids who behaved like that and my spouse hated them? I'd take MYSELF out to the woodshed and beat myself with a horse whip until I was bloody. Shame on ME for failing as a parent.

—

(αƒ¦Λ˜βŒ£Λ˜αƒ¦)

tweetybird74's picture

I just think if step parents

I just think if step parents are that miserable with the skids around etc...then why be there.Why should you have to hide in your room, avoid the skids, go out and leave your home? If it was this bad why even bother being there at all? The skids aren't going to vanish into thin air any time soon. And even when they are old enough to move out and live on their own, they are still going to be a part of their parents lives.

Lostinthemadness's picture

Maybe if the bio parents

Maybe if the bio parents actually parented then the stepkids wouldn`t be the nightmare that they are.

As for knowing what you were getting into...in 9 out of 10 examples here at s`talk the partners changed after marriage (or commitment step such as moving in), and so did the kids.

It is a very idealistic and indeed juvenile statement to throw out that EVERYONE knew what they were getting into, maybe YOU did and didn`t think it through enough, but you aren`t everyone.

—

`Tis better to stay quiet and be thought stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

yes, I am thinking that there

yes, I am thinking that there is a big difference between adult skids and children.At some stage the responsibility starts and many Smoms here are treatedlike crap from their grown up skids, often backed up from the guilty dads who still believes that their offsprings behaviour is innocent and that they are babies.

—

I am back -with new and different problems, grrr

tweetybird74's picture

I do not think my statement

I do not think my statement is juvenille at all. It is a fact, we all knew they had kids, unless of course people came out of the wood work and claimed your partner was the parent to their child. And I agree that the bio parents need to parent their kids and if they don't then whos fault is it? The kids? NO But so many people on here are bashing these kids and hating them. It is quite sad really. Trust me my SS has not been perfect nor has my partner, but I guess he has been a good communicater and a decent parent. My SS has had many issues with School and never doing his homework, he has drank, smoked pot, done cocaine, stole from his Grandma, but to be honest he could be much worse. Trust me I know it is not easy, but I also think if I was as miserable as some people appear to be from their posts then I would be out of there.

just.his.wife's picture

Holy Shyte. If her ss is a

Holy Shyte. If her ss is a thieving alcoholic with a crack habit on the side and its not that bad that he is part of the package I seriously have to wonder wth the OP is sharing with him! Must be some good stuff!!

—

Not claiming the skids anymore, I am just his wife.

doll faced sm's picture

Taking a cue from another

Taking a cue from another poster recently on a different thread.

I'm thinking of a word. It rhymes with knoll . . .

—

Teens: "What can we do; where can we go?" Go home; mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities; your parents do not owe you fun.

Disneyfan's picture

I know bio parents that would

I know bio parents that would never put up with that shit. There's no way in the world a stepparent should.

tweetybird74's picture

Nope life is not fair, but

Nope life is not fair, but then again I am not the one on here complaining tat my skids are ruining my life, my relationship and dreading them coming for the summer. I live with my SS everyday 24/7 and have for 4 years. Some days he drives me up the wall but I do not HATE him, I do not wish he would move out or disappear. I am not here to argue I just think if people are that miserable or HATE their SKIDS then when stay in the situation? You did not get into a relationship with a single person, you got into a relationship with someone who had kids with someone else! That is not going to change and you can't change anyone else but yourself.

Aeron's picture

Why stay? Well a lot of

Why stay? Well a lot of people are married and take their marriage vows seriously and love their spouse. A lot of people have children with their spouse and don't want to break up their family. And a lot of the time, leaving isn't all that simple. There a lot of legal, financial, emotional mess involved. SO they come here to vent so that they can be nice to their stepkid and not lose the person they love, life as they know it, their home, etc etc. Life isn't as simple as you're making it out to be. Neither are the emotions toward the stepkids. You can have a love/hate relationship with them. You can care about them, want what's best for them, love them and still despise them and want them to go away. And from a lot of crap I read that's posted by bio parents, that's not just a step situation.

MyMistake's picture

I agree with Aeron

I agree with Aeron

tweetybird74's picture

@dondiva, I said he tried it,

@dondiva, I said he tried it, as many teenagers "try" things, he is not perfect and as most kids they are trying to find their path in life. Fortunately he found those paths were not good choices and learned from them. Most SANE people would not put their spouse/partner in a position to choose, but from what I have read on here that is exactly what many are doing, they want the skids gone, they don't want them to come into their homes, so basically they want their partners to say No you can't come to our home because so and so does not want you here! I don't know maybe I am wrong but that says to me CHOSE them or me?

Lioness77's picture

^^^ I second that part about

^^^ I second that part about frustration

Lioness77's picture

^^^ TOTALLY agree!!

^^^ TOTALLY agree!!

tweetybird74's picture

@Aeron, I get what you are

@Aeron, I get what you are saying and no just leaving is not an easy option or anything to take lightly. I am just going by alot of what I have read on here, and it does not always seem that everyone is asking for help or advice but more looking for people to back up their rants and keep it rolling. Stepparenting is not easy I agree, it has been one of the most challenging things I have done, and may I am fortunate to have a partner who is understanding and communicates with me to help me and his son work together. It has not always been easy. I am not trying to make it black and white. There are ways to make things better for everyone in the situation but I have even noticed many Step parents on here are not even willing to go to counselling? Maybe they are beyond frustrated I do not know.

my.kids.mom's picture

Well, guess what? When you

Well, guess what? When you are involved in ANY WAY WHAT SO EVER with a man with kids, you can't win. I saw the issues...I decided pretty quick that I would not marry this man, no way could we blend our families with the problems with the exw and our parenting differences due to his coddling/Disney Dad behavior. We do not live together. And STILL I get grief because apparently I am supposed to be stand-in mom when he has his kids. I'm supposed to plan my weekends around them, spend time with them, let them in my house to trash, and cater to their desires. And so are my kids. *I* control my life and my happiness, *I* decide how much drama I'm going to let into it, and if that doesn't include his weekends with his kids, I should have that right. But NOPE. So you can't win.

And no...there aren't plenty of men out there without kids at my age. But these men are old enough to see the stupid things they are doing and get a grip on how they are raising their children. I think most SM's have a bigger problem with the SO than the skids. The skids are doing what the bios allow...and that's the bios fault.

Lioness77's picture

In this day in age, people

In this day in age, people aren't always getting married. They choose to coparent and cohabitate and share a space, so no. Not being married doesn't make much of a differnce.
You can very much be a REAL stepparent as a partner. The piece of paper isn't going to change much in the relationship structure

unbelieveable's picture

THUMBS UP TO YOU! I wish I

THUMBS UP TO YOU! I wish I was that smart...and on another note...I am only 27 and where I live...EVERYONE has kids...even my own age because apparently within the last ten years there has been a major baby boom and no one knows anything about contraception. I wish I would have been as smart as you and not have been so quick to move in...I now believe I was the dumbest 22 year old EVER. I will say my "not so DH" as I have also decided to decline on the marriage part "Just in case" I cannot handle things one day...he is actually pretty wonderful for the most part - and the kids have improved tremondously in the last 5 years...nowhere near where I'd like them to be but that's because they are only with us every weekend and sometimes one day out of the week. Congrats on your wonderful decisions! hmm...maybe I will just get my own place...

tweetybird74's picture

Yes i do realize it is a site

Yes i do realize it is a site for step parents to vent...DUH....but there is venting and then there is down right hatred. I vent about my SS to friends all the time, well I used to but now that he is almost 18 years old, he is growing up and I can talk to him like an adult we work out our stuff and go on.
@dondiva, I am not sure what world you are living in but trying cocaine once does not make someone a crack head? I never tried it when I was a teenager either but just cause he tried it does not make him a CRACK HEAD really? Taking an old MP3 player from his grandma does not make him hardened criminal. And because he tried Alcohol with his friends does not make him an alcoholic! And yes it could be worse. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I originally came on this site for some advice about my SS and after reading all the posts I decided that I would not post my story or ask for anyones advice because it just seems like everyone wants to bitch about how bad their lives are. Just remember your skids are that KIDS, many are not Adults like us, we need to be the ADULTS. Just remember one day they will be ADULTS out in the world and will always remember how much their step parents hated them (yes they know you do not like them/hate them) they are human beings after all not lumps of dirt!

tweetybird74's picture

Nope not on drugs! BTW there

Nope not on drugs! BTW there is a long story behind why he does not respect his grandmother, but not getting into that with you. It is not worth my time or energy to deal with someone as perfect as you are!

smdh's picture

There are a lot of people I

There are a lot of people I don't respect. I don't steal their stuff.

twopines's picture

Meh, my DH's "kids" were

Meh, my DH's "kids" were adults when we got married. No package dealio for me. Oh and believe me, SD27 knows I don't like her. It's OK. The world keeps spinning.

—

β€œThe witch in Hansel and Gretel -- she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it.” Miranda - Sex and the City

Kes's picture

LMFAO! nor my SD17

LMFAO! Evil nor my SD17

—

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

tweetybird74's picture

@dondiva, you obviously do

@dondiva, you obviously do not know much about the real world, using cocaine once DOES NOT make you a crack head, that is like saying having a beer once in your life time makes you an alcoholic.You must live in a house with a little white picked fence and all your neighbours know one another and nothing every goes wrong in your world because you are perfect! Sorry I'm not and I am the first to admit it. I make mistakes skids make mistakes! Whether you would use it once or not is not my point, he did it once and only once and has never done it again ( we tested him)WE did not take it lightly or fluff it off as you may think. I hope your kids or skids never do anything remotely wrong, otherwise they will be labelled for the rest of their lives by you! Open your minds for crying out loud!

Echo's picture

Picket. The word is picket.

Picket. The word is picket. And it's neighbors, not neighbours.

May seem petty to you, and I'm good with that. It's just that I have a distinct and profound dislike for shit stirrers who attempt to disguise themselves as child loving "Kumbaya" singers. I see right through you...as do most women here.

Take in your crack head step son and let him steal from YOU. We'll be here when you come back looking for a shoulder to cry on.

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

tweetybird74's picture

@Draco26, I really like your

@Draco26, I really like your post thanks for posting that!

tweetybird74's picture

well thank you anyway for

well thank you anyway for re-posting it.

Poodle's picture

Bookishworm, what a wise

Bookishworm, what a wise question. Earlier on in her monologue about how sane and balanced she is, Tweety criticised other posters, as motivated "more looking for people to back up their rants and keep it rolling". I chuckled somewhat but read on. I'd say that related to about 1% of posts. Then finally I read, "I originally came on this site for some advice about my SS and after reading all the posts I decided that I would not post my story or ask for anyones advice because it just seems like everyone wants to bitch about how bad their lives are."
So, instead of carrying through her amazing karmic superiority by simply dropping the site and departing in a civilised fashion, Tweety decided to deposit some little green droppings on our heads as she twittered off on her merry way.
I had a look at her bio by clicking her name, and found "I am a step parent to a 15 year old boy. Our relationship has deteriorated over the past couple of years. I am frustrated and not sure how to deal with this. It is affecting my relationship with my partner as well".
I'd say shit or get off the pot.

—

It's nothing personal.

Lioness77's picture

I love your honesty. Both of

I love your honesty. Both of you. ^ I'm waiting for her to answer too.

tweetybird74's picture

@bookwormish, the purpose of

@bookwormish, the purpose of the post is exactly what the title says. and as for poodle, yes my relationship did go of course and guess what instead of coming on here to bash him. I worked on myself and my relationship with him and VOILA problems solved. Or we could all just wish they would go away? Hmm interesting....
BTW this post was not ment to be a back and forth arguement but I now realized that some ppl do not have a very open mind when it comes to others opinions (and yes that does include me sometimes)...

Lioness77's picture

Tweetybird, you need to

Tweetybird, you need to understand that most of us that come here needed an outlet because our situations are not as lucky or simple as yours ( it seems ). Maybe there is a better place for you where there are others in your situation. But coming here and basically slamming all the rest of us for being bitter, rude, horrible, stepmonsters ( which is what you're saying without coming right out ) is only sparking an argument and I'm sorry, but in some ways it feels like you're either a bioparent who logged on to read us all the riot act , or possibly even faking just to stir up trouble for parents who are NOT in your lucky situation and actually need this forum to get things off our chests.

You seem like you're only here to chastise the rest of us and rub our noses in what we use this site for.

Why are you here? Can you answer that question? What's your purpose.. to start arguments? To make yourself feel good by essentially scolding all of us for being here?
Do explain.

Lioness77's picture

You coming here to Steptalk

You coming here to Steptalk is like you're going to the wrong self help meeting.

It's like you've shown up to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, but you're not an overeater and you're telling us all how fat and disgusting we are... Does this analogy help?

It's like you're talking to a bunch of people who have broken bones about how it can't possibly hurt to break something, but you've NEVER BROKEN A BONE so you HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT AND WE DON'T RELATE!!!!

Don't you GET IT?!

tweetybird74's picture

You have it all wrong, sorry,

You have it all wrong, sorry, but you do. I am a step parent and have struggled as many step parents do and I know exactly what I am talking about.

Echo's picture

.

.

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

emotionaly beat up's picture

You claim your SS stole from

You claim your SS stole from his grandmother and you justified that by saying there was a bit of history there and that he had no respect for his grandmother. The way you have written it, it comes across as if you think Grandma has given him cause to disrespect her, and therefore she deserved it. Okay, let's say Grandma is a rotten old cow, maybe she even stole his tooth fairy money from under his pillow as he was growing up and for that and a million other reasons he has no respect for her. FINE, if he has no respect for her, then stay away from her, that is what he should have been told. However, clearly he went around to her house and he STOLE from his own grandmother, and for you to somehow make it her fault, well that's just not right. He "tries" cocaine of all things ONCE you say, well I would say that was once you knew of. God only knows what else he was on before he tried the cocaine. By the way, not EVERY teenager tries it, although far too many of them do I agree. But I have never heard of any of them going straight to cocaine. Now maybe they do, but I would be wondering if he hadn't been smoking funny cigarettes at least before he tried cocaine. But, you excuse his drug taking like you excuse his stealing. You went so far to say it was NORMAL teenage experimenting. It is not normal anything to try cocaine. Why did he steal, was it for drug money. You come across with an answer and an excuse for everything, you've got it all sewn up, so why did you come onto this site in the first place.

Somewhere in your posts you said your original intention was to post on this site to get advice, but after reading through some posts you decided we we were just pretty much vindictive and hateful (not your words) but that is pretty much what you meant. Okay, you came, you saw, and you should have just gone, but no not you, you had to start attacking posters on this site and letting us all know what an understanding saint you are and how bad we are. I suspect you have far more problems than you let on, the fact that you even looked for a site like this in the first place, let alone posted on it indicates that despite you coming across as having all the answers, you don't. Attacking people on this site to make you feel better about yourself and your parenting is not going to help you or your SS.

tweetybird74's picture

I am not trying to bash

I am not trying to bash anyone! I understand the role of the step parent can be very very diffcult, frustrating and yes it makes you want to scream. If your partners are not supportive if the BM is purposely getting in the middle. There are so many dynamics I could go on and on. My SS's BM fought tooth and nail for custody when my partner went for full custody 6 years ago, and when her lawyer, the child therapist told her to stop fighting, she did and then pretty much disappeared from his life. So yes that made things easier for me, not that I fought with her but BM and I did not have any type of relationship. I guess I just feel bad for these skids. Yes some of them are difficult or impossible. I have read many posts on here and was astonished at some of the behaviour these skids were exhibiting and honestly I am not sure I could handle them myself. I do not "parent" my SS meaning, I do not deal with him not doing school work, or not doing chores, buy him clothes etc. Yes I contribute to the household with paying half of all the bills, but the parenting comes from his dad, unless the SS does something right in front of me and his dad is not around then I deal with the situation. I know the people on here are not horrible people but in bad situations and maybe because I am not in their situations I do not see the full scale of things. I am not a bioparent I have no kids of my own. I am not here to scold other or rub their noses in anything. I am here to see what others go through and to know I am not alone in some of the feelings that I am sure we all have as step parents. I am here to offer advice in situations I feel my advice would be helpful to others (which to be honest I have not done much of as I have just mostly been reading so far. I will apoligize to everyone who thinks that I just came here to start an arguement or whatever you may think. It is just my opinion that as the post title says. We knew the skids were there when we met our partners. Whether the situation changed or our partners changed etc after the fact we still knew about the skids. And my personal opinion is we just keep trying to make our homes a calm place for everyone ( I am not saying that people on here aren't). I get that people are venting because they can't talk to their partners etc I get it really I do.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Okay I am going to take what

Okay I am going to take what you have written above at face value and accept that you did not intentionally come on here to start an arguement. I also accept your apology. May I please offer a word of advice. Don't generalize. Everyone's situation is quite different. I note you say your SS father does the parenting. So many of us on this site wouldn't even be here if we had just that much. A parent who parents the child.

There are parents on here who are bio parents and their kids are pretty much being punished by the new partner because they are living in the family home while his only come on access, there are parents like myself I have three adult children, my husband also has three adult children, and none of them live at home, they all have their own homes/families etc., his can (well they to used till I said no more) come in here refuse to say hello/goodbye, isolate, humilate and ignore me completely, go through private paperwork in the pretext of having to use the computer, demand anything and everything in the most ungrateful disrespectful way and a zillion other things, including the the sooner you two die crap, and according to my DH, they are his kids and they can do what they like, he does not care. No my kids, well God help them and myself if they do not say "hello" first to my husband when they come in the door, he even told my 4 year old grandson once, you haven't said hello to me yet, I won't be saying it to you first.....a 4 year old and he demands respect from him, his adult childen, well not so much. My DH and his children expect to be treated as God's they all know they are a higher class of human being and the rest of us are here to serve.

Now this gets me to your package deal theory. When you make that statement, you are assuming that we all met our stepkids and saw how our partners interacted with them before we married/moved in, set up a life with them. This alas is not always the case. In my case, my husband and I had been married for a year and a half before he even spoke to one of his kids on the phone, let alone met them. I fell in love with the man he said he was, he was fine for that first year and a half, but when his daughter wanted a new car and decided to come back into daddy's life, well.............The man I married disappeared well and truly, he changed almost overnight. He changed I guess to the man he really was, not the man he pretended to be to me when we met.

I put up with so much from him and his children and I did it for 8 years. I did not throw in the towel in a heartbeat. I tried so hard, I always left the room whenever they came around just to give them a few minutes alone time with their dad in case they wanted to set up something with him, ie; I want to talk to you in private lets' meet for coffee. I desperately wanted my husband to be happy, and I wanted him to have a relationship with his kids. However, and this is the part I have only just woken up to. THEY DID NOT WANT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. I was never and will never be part of their family, not because of anything I have done, but because as long as I am with their father he will not hand his pay over to them and that is what they apparently always had. He gave them everything they ever wanted and now we were struggling to build a life together and could not throw money at them they were mad as hell and I got the blame. The fact that they are all adults in their thirties has not penetrated their skulls, they still think they should be riding on daddy's gravy train, that in itself is a problem, however the bigger problem is that my DH thinks they should be too.

Ultimately in her quest to break up our relationship his daughter went behind the boyfriends back and suddenly after 6 years of having sex with this guy, has an accident, and falls pregnant. Her behaviour which was horrendous before turned pure evil once she became pregnant. The baby was her trump card, she knew 1000% that once she had that baby daddy would leave me. So, it finished up me banning her from my home. 8 years of hell, 8 years of me becoming more and more physically and emotionally ill, 8 years of destroying my self esteem and my confidence, 8 years of trying to find my place in this family, when in fact, there was NO PLACE in this family for me. Package deal, no, there was no package deal as far as his kids were concerned, and as far as my DH was concerned, he thought he could run two families, with his children being head of one of them. All he wanted out of this was to do whatever his children wanted him to do, the moment they wanted it, and give them whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. He bred a pack of blood sucking vampires and he still wanted them to feed of not only his blood, but mine now as well. He wanted me to prepare myself for a lifetime of abuse and hatred from his kids, and he wanted me to do that without complaint. He and they had no intentions of changing, of meeting half way, of ever accepting I was part of their family. In fact the daughters boyfriend rang my DH up after she had had the baby and was home from the hospital and said his daughter wanted him to come around and see the baby....however, if he wanted to see the baby, then he had to leave me.

I did not sign up for this, the only things I knew about my husband's kids before we married were that they were fantastic kids who got hurt when he left, but could't see him because there mother would not like it, but they loved him. Yeah, in his dreams. But when you suggest that we knew our partners had kids, and we shouldn't feel the way we do, you as I said are assuming an awful lot.

My doctor has advised me that people with the disorder my husband and his daughter have are masters at being charming until they hook you in then they become what I am living with, and it is not good. I had no option but to ban his daughter from my home in the end, I could not live with more than one person with NPD my husband, his sons and his daughter all have it, his daughter well I think she has crossed the line and is a physcopath and this was as I said not the package my DH let me to believe I was getting. This girl almost got her wish, I was becoming so depressed that dying looked pretty good for a while there, then sanity prevailed and I just told her not to come back to my home ever again. I told my husband he was free to go with her and now I am looking after myself first, and my husband second. I now take care of myself because I know my husband is incapable of looking out for anyone but him. This is not the man I married, but it is the man I now live with and I have a lot of work on my hands trying to see if this marriage can be mended after all the damaged DH allowed his daughter to do. My story is not disimilar to many others on this site. It is not all cut and dry. It is not so easily explained as you knew he had kids before your married, sure, but what we didn't what was kept from us, was that our DH's were never going to parent them, were afraid of them. Would defend them to the death even when they were clearly way way out of line, and would expect us to happily put up with playing second best to his kids. You are very, very lucky your DH parents his son. You have support from your DH. Most of us on here are doing it on our own, and worse still with a partner who thinks his kids can do what they like and we should shut up and live with it.

It is not ALWAYS the steparents fault, in most cases it is NOT the steparents fault. The biological parent is primarly to blame for allowing the situation to exist in the first place. The failure of a parent to parent is the real reason for all of this, so attacking step parents and thinking it is up to us to make it work is unfair. It is up to the biological parent to teach their children respect and their place. It is up to our partners to support us and it is up to our partners to stop the abuse their children throw at us. Doesnt' matter if we knew what we were getting into or not, once this situation turns sour, our partners should be a partner and a parent, and it does not mean he has to be one or the other, it means he needs to support his wife, and he needs to teach his children some manners simaltainously. You as said are lucky, your partner is taking responsibility for his child, yet you too are on this site. How much harder is it for us who's partners are too scared of their kids to parent them.

Lioness77's picture

This powerfully true

This powerfully true statement is most important of all " but what we didn't what was kept from us, was that our DH's were never going to parent them, were afraid of them. Would defend them to the death even when they were clearly way way out of line, and would expect us to happily put up with playing second best to his kids. You are very, very lucky your DH parents his son".

to this I say, EXACTLY. THIS, is EXACTLY what it boils down to.

Poodle's picture

Thanks for that tiny little

Thanks for that tiny little bit of a hint, Tweety. Seemingly you and DH have managed to eliminate the BM, apparently with the help of a child therapist and her own lawyer. So woo hoo, cat's away, birdies can play. No wonder you don't get the problem. Your SS has no conflict of loyalty and you are never under attack.
I'm really happy for you and your DH and SS, Tweety, despite your strange desire to pity other SPs who haven't polished their crystal balls hard enough, but you're still not spilling the beans. Why are you coming to a site where step-parents come to vent?

—

It's nothing personal.

tweetybird74's picture

@Poodle. I already said why I

@Poodle. I already said why I was here. An my DH and I did not get rid of my SS's mother, she unfortunatley did that all by herself to the point her own son did not call or want to spend time with her on mother's day nor does he want to spend time with her much at all, only to see his half siblings. I find that sad for him. She does still manage to cause problems, I just stay out of it the best I can. I realize as I mentioned before that there are many issues and each situation is different, I was not trying to paint everyone with the same brush. And after my onslaught of attack by many here. I realize I may have come off not quite as I intended. Sorry. I realize that step parents need to vent. My situation is not perfect by any means, my DH and I have worked very hard to get to the point we are at (an NO I am not saying others have not worked hard or even harder) I am fortunate that my DH is a communicator, but my SS does stuff that drives me crazy I could write a novel about it. Life is hard being a step parent is crazy hard. I am not if it is hard when you have your own kids or not, but with me not having any I find it hard being a step parent but not a parent to my SS. Anyway again I am sorry for stepping on toes or pissing people off. This was not my intention.

StepAside's picture

"I realize I may have come

"I realize I may have come off not quite as I intended."

The backlash you received is COMMON and happens as a well-intended consequence to all posters who come here with relatively ZERO experience and jump on their soap box. Any time you attempt to admonish a whole group of people, you make yourself a target.

It wasn't how you said it necessarily, because there IS NO WAY TO SAY IT.

—

(αƒ¦Λ˜βŒ£Λ˜αƒ¦)

bi's picture

nobody owes miss perfect an

nobody owes miss perfect an explanation. i hate my sd19. so what? i didn't just decide to hate her, she decided that with her behavior. if the bridge dweller really thinks things are that black and white, what chance does anyone really have of getting thru? why bother? i can feel however i feel, it's not wrong. it just is. how anyone else feels about it really isn't relevant to my life.

—

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

emotionaly beat up's picture

Tweetybird you say you have

Tweetybird you say you have noticed many steparents on here are not even willing to go to counselling....well, let me tell you this, many steparents on this site, not only do go to counselling sessions, but go on their own, because the biological parents, don't think there is anything wrong with them or their kids. There was a poster on this site that wants to go to counselling, step family, can't quite fit it in, has read books on the subject, came onto this site to look for answers, seemed to be doing everything in her power to make this step family thing work....what did her DH and his kids do, nothing. I was more than willing to go to counselling, but again my stepkids are wonderful, going to counselling brought out hoots of laughter, and my husband was once again offended that I should think his kids needed counselling, and as for him, his response was........ME! You think I should go to counselling, what about YOU, you're the one who needs it, you just hate my kids. End of discussion. Me, well I am seeking help, I too got on this site, and I am smart enough to sort out the riff raff from the genuine good people who have good knowledge on the subject and can pass it on inteligently and without bitterness.

I have only seen 2 adult stepdaughters getting on this site and asking for opinions, I have seen a few stepdads getting on this site, but don't recall any biological parents getting on here and saying my kids are doing horrible things to my wife, how do you think I should handle it. My own husband has and will not read a book on it, will absolutely not attend counselling, when the GP mentioned it to him, he didn't even bother to answer him,just sat there and said nothing till the doctor moved on from the subject. Complete denial. You do not have a husband like that.

I am the only one in this family that has sought help with the step thing, and let me tell you this, If I stopped working on this tomorrow, if I threw my husband out lock stock and barrel, no one could blame me. So if you see people on this site refuse counselling, there may very well be years of being the only one trying behind it. Stepmothers cannot fix this up all by themselves, because usually, the kids don't want a step parent, and dad instead of understanding that, and saying, look, she is not your mother, but she is my wife, so zip it, panders to them and says, they don't want you to go here or there, they don't want you at their wedding, at the hospital after the birth of their child, they don't want you to touch their child, so that's all good with me, I am going to live two seperate lives with two seperate families, see ya. My own husband felt they were quite within their rights to come into my home and not say hello, goodbye or kiss my butt, because they didnt' want too, did they have any reason to treat me like that, NO, had I done anything to them no, they just didn't like daddy having someone new in his life, they of course had gotten on with theirs, and daddy was not allowed to have an opinion in who they chose as a partner, but that again was okay. NO, that is not a marriage. That is just an easy way out for daddy.

Your situation is unlike most of ours and I realise you cannot appreciate what we are going through, not in your wildest dreams, because you have a husband who parents his child, who would not allow his child to insult you, to isolate, humilate and ignore you. The complete lack of support from the man of your dreams against the continuous attacks of his kids is unbearable, you don't really care about what his kids are saying to you as much as you care that your husband, the man who is supposed to be there for you, the man that you were always there for, completely lets you down, and worse still, sides with another woman against you. Make no mistake tweetybird, his daughter is the other woman, and she knows it. These grown women with partners and babies of their own, will still flirt with daddy, play the helpless female with daddy, continually ask daddy for advice but never follow it because they really don't want his opinion, it is just an act to play cute with daddy. Daddy on the other hand keeps doling out the advice and is wetting himself with excitement doing it,because his baby values his opinion.

You have something far more valuable than you realise. Most of us would kill for a supportive husband, we don't have it and we vent on this site to save our sanity. I also don't like some of the things I read on thi site, but have never started a thread like yours. I realise you have apologised twice now, but go back and read how you started this and then you may understand why people are getting hot under the collar. You may be right perhaps some people just want someone to in your opinion back up their rants, but in mine, I think they are just looking for support. When something gets put in writing it does not always come across the way we meant it, your post when you started this thread for example came across as nothing but your so perfect and we're so bad. We get enough of that at home thanks, this site is supposed to be safe from it.

Lioness77's picture

I don't have much else to say

I don't have much else to say after reading your posts. You're spot on and thanks for explaining for " us " Smiling

fruststepmama's picture

The thing is: you can't know

The thing is: you can't know exactly what you're getting yourself into until you're already there.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Tweety, I am sure your

Tweety, I am sure your intentions are good, but it comes across a bit snobbish.There are many Smoms who tried hard for years but simply gave up after years of frustration and being rejected.Nobody here a hateful person until all those challeges came up, the way you put it across it sounds as if those who struggle and vent here are somehow evil and that's not fair.You can't really only blame the smoms for the disaster they live in- many times the skids , who are not parented well, are really hard to handle!!
The way I look at it is some of us have it easier than others.I am a lucky woman because my SO is mostly supportive and listens to me more than at the beginning.SD 7 was a princess and an entitled mini-wife for SO and I got very resentful when I realized with what she got away for so long.She also put herself into the middle of him and me.
Thanks to this site I managed to articulate many of my concerns and SO listened and changed a lot around.
Most of the times I feel ok with SD and sometimes I even feel close to her and find her cute.BUT THIS IS DUE TO SO PUTTING OUR RS FIRST AND TREATING SD AS A CHILD INSTEAD A MINI ADULT NOW.I am very sure that if SO would have been still allowing SD everything like before I would have eventually ended up hating her one day or running away.
So, Tweetie, before you tweet about those Stepmothers who come here to vent, please try to give them some credit instead of blaming them.Most of us trying our very best and I havent seen anyone here being abusive or straight forward mean to their skids.All they do is letting it out here and normally suck it up.

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I am back -with new and different problems, grrr

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

LOL it's like poking an angry

LOL it's like poking an angry bear.

BigEasy1203's picture

Imagine this situation: -

Imagine this situation:

- Woman marries a man, becomes a stepmom to his kids. Has only the best intentions of a happy family.
- Interacts with the kids, and does her best to try to be a part of their lives.
- The kids are resentful of the new "mom" and reject her as not really their mother. Much of this is due to the BM not liking the stepmom and wanting to create problems.
- Stepkids are mean or rude or disrespectful (or all of the above) to the stepmom.
- The stepmom continues to try to make the situation work.
- The kids continue to be disrespectful, and to make matters worse the DH allows this to go on. He is afraid to upset the kids or not seem like their "friend".
- The stepmom tries to discipline the kids herself since the father will not, but this only makes them more disrespectful.
- The relationship becomes strained between the stepmom and her husband because she never sees him taking up for her or her feelings.
- Family functions are very unpleasant, with having to deal with rude stepchildren and the bio-mom.
- Even though the situation seems hopeless, the stepmother hangs in and hopes that one day things will get better.
- Instead of leaving, she disengages from the situation in an attempt to stay sane and reduce the crazy levels of stess she deals with every day.

Now I know every situation is not like this, and there are cases where the stepparent is mean to the stepkids from the start, or maybe do things to create the bad situation. I would guess that is a small minority of situations, however. In most, the whole reason there is a family is because they love the SO and want to get married. They realize the kids are going to be in the picture and try to make the best of it.

Why are you critical of these people? They are trying their best in a very hard and unhappy situation, and rather than leaving they are trying to make it work.

december82's picture

I totally agree with

I totally agree with tweetybird's original post & to be honest im surprised at how many "I hate my stepkids" posts I've read on here. Now i can't say whether they are warranted or not.... Since i am not in their shoes. I will however admit to praying that i never have to feel the same hatred towards my skids as some of the ppl on here do towards theirs. Believe me I have my days with them that are far from pleasant but i still have a genuine love for them and go out of my way to show them they are wanted.

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What did i do to deserve step-children?!?!
Laughing out loud Sad

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Lololol So package deal

Lololol

So package deal huh?

I guess then, horrible, rude, mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, hostile siblings of your spouse are also included in this "package" right, especially since they basically share the same amount of DNA as my spouse? And I must put up with it?

Okay, but I damn sure hope this package came with a good defense system (my spouse) to protect me from that crap. If not, I might have to write my own software for it, whether they like it or not.

december82's picture

My signature can be taken as

My signature can be taken as a positive or negative... Depends on what kind of day we're having lol

And yes my mother in law definitely isn't my biggest fan but she is still treated with the utmost respect. Not only because she is my mother in law but also she is a senior and i was raised to treat my elders with respect... To do otherwise only taints my own character & gives her exactly what she wants... An actual reason to not like me. Not to mention i expect my spouse to treat my family with the same respect!

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What did i do to deserve step-children?!?!
Laughing out loud Sad

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Respectful, yes, but respect

Respectful, yes, but respect comes in many different forms and you don't have to be in contact with a mentally unstable/vindictive person to be respectful.

My grandmother was a crazy MIL, locked my mother out of the house while it was raining, started fights, alienated my mother from the rest of my family, etc. Sure, my mom was cordial to her and understood it was a "package" deal--but my dad ended up protecting my mom and refused his mother and brothers from any further contact with our family because of the toxicity.

We understand it's a "package deal", as in you can't un-exist them, but what you do with that package, be it contact or not, is more your spouses responsibility and it is up to them to protect you form their "package."

Just because they're part of the package does not mean you take their bullshit laying down.

Lioness77's picture

Exactly. Well put!!

Exactly. Well put!!

hippiegirl's picture

Yes they are a package deal.

Yes they are a package deal. Nobody said they weren't. What pisses us SM's off is when we are expected to take on a parent role and love them like we would love ours. The skids don't have to love us like we're theirs, now do they? My DH's kids are his thing. I don't have to or want to be a part of it. I never told my DH to choose me over his kids. WTF? Don't come onto our site and get all preachy and shit. We hate that.

bi's picture

exactly, hg. my sd19 thinks

exactly, hg. my sd19 thinks she can treat me like shit, but since i am with her dad, i owe her a mother and should love her and treat her like she's my own. she doesn't acknowledge my bday or mother's day and is pretty disrespectful, but somehow she thinks it's perfectly logical to expect that because i'm with her dad, i OWE her. yeah, my ass i do...

—

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

wicked-step-mom's picture

It is true. I knew that my

It is true. I knew that my DH had 2 young daughters (10 & 15). He's 56 and I'm 50. I had already raised my son, but he was a widower and I had always wanted daughters. I should have taken my own advice, "be careful for what you wish for" because I got it in spades. Their mother's death took a toll on them. I was hoping I could come in and save them all, but I was "dead" wrong (no pun intended). I took on children who were dealing with a traumatic experience. I immediately got them into counseling, I tried to be the supportive, understanding woman figure. I didn't come into their home and change everything. To this day there are still pictures of their mother hanging up. To the youngest SD10, I am the wicked step mom whom she hates with all her might. She has put food coloring in my shampoo and conditioner, she has broken my things, she has no respect for me and I think in some strange way blames me for her mother's death.

I came into this marriage wearing my rose colored glasses and now I am suffering migraine headaches trying to help this child.

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Beaten down

december82's picture

@prinloel1 "I'm a step mom, i

@prinloel1 "I'm a step mom, i love my step daughter"
Sentences like these i have rarely seen on here and i think that may have been the posters point.

I love my skids and by no means lay down and die with a smile on my face if they decide to get under my skin. I do not however blame them for everything as i can also be at fault or (more likely lol) its my DH that has arsed something up! But i refuse to write them off or give up on my relationship with them.. And would definitely not encourage or demand that their father do so either because imho any man that willingly gives his children up for the sake of a woman... Is not worth having! (although im sure there are exceptions)

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What did i do to deserve step-children?!?!
Laughing out loud Sad

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

There are definitely

There are definitely exceptions and some of the more horrific stories will have you wondering why he DIDN'T and still WOULDN'T.

I think it's a matter of JUSTICE more than it is about blood. If my sister/children/parents decided to purposely and vehemently destroy a person who I cared about, reduced that person to a shell of who she/he once was, treat them like crap, emotionally abuse them, and won't listen to reasonable communication, I would be ASHAMED of myself that I did not "choose" the person I cared about (as in cut off/minimize all contact/support/help).

Because if I take away the DNA bond with my sister/parents/children, AND took away the emotional bond with the person who I cared about, and reduced it to an issue of protecting the weak and those who cannot defend themselves from a situation I put them into, then the answer is clear. I am responsible for the well-being of this person who deserves to be happy and treated with, at the very least, respect, and not be subjected to what is basically emotional terrorism.

This is IMHO of course, some people think blood is thicker than everything and that is absolutely fine. My values and morals are more important to me.

emotionaly beat up's picture

not2sureimsanea...

not2sureimsanea... Beautifully said, and absolutely correct.

The Triangle's picture

This is the exact reason this

This is the exact reason this site exists. When you are mad at your mother you tell your bff or sib. When you are mad at your SO you tell someone. When you are upset with your Skids you vent here. To people that don't make you feel bad for it. It is okay to be unhappy with different situations. Just because someone states their skids drive them nuts or they secretly cannot stand them doesn't make them wrong or bad, it makes them honest. It is hard to be selfless and love someone that comes with baggage like bm's or skids. This site makes me feel sane for the way I think. I am a nice person. I married a nice person. He has a good son with a not so good person. I come here to blow up so I can be a good role model and wife. I hope to be an influential person in all I do in my life. This doesn't mean that I do not get mad. I get down right PISSED! Without this site I would have cussed out bm, dh, gma, and ss and said to hell with this. There is a time and place for everything. I say "Say whatever you want ladies! I will not judge. I actually applaud you for your honesty and not letting this get the best of you."

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Whoever said it was going to be easy, LIED!

Poodle's picture

love that new definition of

love that new definition of our crazy BMs... "DH has a kid with a not so good person". Must use that IRL! Well put! Laughing out loud

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It's nothing personal.

igiveup2's picture

Yes it is a package deal but

Yes it is a package deal but everyones situation is different. In my case I met my no husband after my job relocated me. I had a super nice apt. but we discussed it would be more practicle if my son and i moved into his house. everything was peaches and cream at first for we both had good jobs. Once we started remodeling the house which was in need of many repairs our money got a little tighter. My SD was 19 and on disability. Diagnosed as being mildy autistic. Very mild. She is smart and u would never notice it unless you spent enough time around her. Her reading is bad and being 19 boys was an issue. A big issue. My son was only 14 and I even had to watch her around his friends. He was even smart enough to tell his friends she had problems but yet he could not have normal friend stuff because she would try to force herself on them. My husband was receiving sui to help with her support but when I came into the picture she decided that all the money should be spent on her. Now she had about 100 dollars a week for herself but she wanted it all and I started looking at the bank statements and seeing for myself. I asked to talk with both of them one day and said" Your dad gets help because of your age and disability. You have spending money what is the problem? By the time he bought her "special shampoos and stuff and paid the huge electric bill, for she would change no joke 4 to 5 times a day and do about 30 loads of laundry a week, we were in the minus on his part. until i came along what SD wanted SD got. before we got married we sat and discussed all the issues and we agreed on how we were going to handel things but it never happened. She said " You take care of your son why should'nt my dad take care of me?' THis child had a good mind for money. I said" Number one this is your dads house and I am helping him fix it up to make it a home we can enjoy" " I don't have to but I am because i love your dad" "Secondly My son is only 14 and does not get a check every month and I pay a lot for him and I to live here" " Now if you like we can sit down and divide things up because i would like to have a savings account that grows instead of shrinking" So since you want to be treated like a grown up we caan divide into 3 way all the bills. She turned red and got mad went up and slammed doors. Now we were not ogars and we made sure she had spending money in fact we always came out on the losing end.But you see yes it is a package deal but things always have to be made fair for everyone involved. She ruined every relationship he tried to have. One time she spilled all of his GF perfume in the toilet and put the bottles back, broke her hair dryer etc....needless to say the lady left. Package deals does'nt mean a person should be treated like a nobody because of one selfish child. everyones cicumstance is different

tweetybird74's picture

Unfortunatley there are not

Unfortunatley there are not always "lots' of other options. SS lives with us my DH has custody because BM is not a good parent! Your opinion is your opinion but I am not here to correct others, just offering my point of view as everyone else here does! Many people on here do not want relationships with their skids and that is their choice but I do and that is my choice. Everyone situation is different. In most situations it is not the kids fault they are the way they are.

imaSmom's picture

Omg at the amount of novel

Omg at the amount of novel like responses to this blog. Is the lady still around?

—

The freedom, the strength, the will to do as I damn well please.

Poodle's picture

no I just discovered her on

no I just discovered her on an adult stepkids post criticising the SMs of adults, obviously an area of expertise for OP

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It's nothing personal.

tweetybird74's picture

Yep I am still here. Any yes

Yep I am still here. Any yes I joined this site for advice. As may of you having an SS is work. It is not easy and not every day is rainbows and butterflies. Poodle I am not exactly sure what post you are refering to but I don't really care. I did not come here to argue with people. I have noticed that everyone here has their opinions and No I don't always agree with everyone as I am sure you don't either! Maybe my situation is better than others? Maybe I am not as frustrated as others? Maybe I just have a different way of thinking? I will continue to come here and offer advice if I see that it makes sense and will continue to read others post and take what I feel is usefull from them!

tweetybird74's picture

@Poodle, I found the post you

@Poodle, I found the post you were talking about. If you call this criticising then I would hate to see what you thought if that is actually what I was doing! I was just offering another point of view to the SM and actually said nothing cristicising at all! Maybe you should re-read the post

tweetybird74's picture

@Nosteppingstone...that is

@Nosteppingstone...that is not very nice, but I have broad shoulders. And no need to stoop to your level of immaturity.

mizcece's picture

I have to get in on this

I have to get in on this conversation! Listen, yes we knew that our BFs or in my case hubby had a child or children. Most of us here have accepted that aspect, myself included. But with any blended family or when there are SKs involved there are certain issues that arise that it helps to be able to discuss with others who have experienced or can offer advice. Furthermore I would never make my hubby choose me over his child, that is ridiculous nor have a seen any posts on this website where anyone has stated such. You have a SS17, LMAO! We will see how happy and accepting you are in a few months, if not sooner! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

tweetybird74's picture

OK Mizcece, not sure what you

OK Mizcece, not sure what you statement of " you have an SS17, we will see how happy and accepting you are in a few months if not sooner" is supposed to mean? Do they magically turn into someone else at a certain point?

StepAside's picture

You are the adult and your

You are the adult and your stepson is the child? Your SS is 19.

You are not his mother.
You are too old to be his friend.
He is not a child.

He has no motivation to accept anything about you. What are you suggesting... that you bypass all these facts and smother him with your arms of love anyway and that we're all idiots for not doing the same?

Relationships TAKE TWO. Just because you recently married a man with a grown son, does not mean he has to accept you. GOOD LUCK with trying to force yourself on this young man. Get back with us when you're ready to tell us all how wicked we are, when you've had your efforts crammed up your nose.

—

(αƒ¦Λ˜βŒ£Λ˜αƒ¦)

mizcece's picture

I second your comment

I second your comment StepAside!

tweetybird74's picture

You obviously have not read

You obviously have not read the post correctly. I did not just recently marry anyone, I have been in my SS's life for 8 years, so been there done lots of it, the ups the downs and all the in between. I am not suggesting to force yourself on anyone.

M.L. Lee's picture

FINALLY All I see around

FINALLY

All I see around this site for the most part is stepparents whining and complaining about their stepkids for the most part. I'm sooooo glad someone said this. I understand that relationships with stepchildren can be stressful and all that but WE DID KNOW WHAT WE WERE GETTING INTO. It makes me laugh so hard that someone would call that statement naive. Honestly? People who think it's going to be peaches and cream are delusional, and borderline stupid. Stepchildren, in my opinion, have every right to be angry, harsh, demanding, and anything else deemed "unreasonable". Do you know why? Because their lives were basically torn apart. Maybe if people spent more time trying to understand this than they did posting crap about how unfair their lives are (wow, that sounds like a 5 year old state of mind) they might get somewhere with the kids. Yes. They are a package deal. You are SO right it's amazing. I do my best to understand my stepkids and they turned out great. Their BM isn't the best lady, in my opinion, but she's their mother nonetheless and you need to deal with that. Dealing doesn't mean hostile CHILDISH behavior. Thank god someone finally pointed this out. There are so many delusional people out there that it almost makes me wonder who told you all it was all about you.

BSgoinon's picture

And there goes the diet coke

And there goes the diet coke on the computer screen. LMAO.

—

"They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that is why they hated me."- Sheldon Lee Cooper

byebyebirdie's picture

I married my DH because i

I married my DH because i wanted to be with him and thought yes it might be hard with SD but thought i could make it work. tried and tried again and guess what it dont always work with skid package deal or not. me and DH have very strong relationship but i have no relationship whatsoever with his kid. here is what i see is major problem with skids. you constantantly have to walk on eggshells with them you can never say anything that might hurt their feelings. with my own kids i can say exactly what i feel, if i hate what they are wearing i say it, if they are being rude i say it, if they are acting like baby i call them out and when they are doing good i point out the postive or if they look cute i tell them wow you look nice today ect ect ect but with skid you cant say anything negative ever without looking like evil stepmom. i used to say stuff to SD good and bad but if i pointed out the bad i am awful so damn if i will only point out the good how the hell would that make bio kids feel?? so bacially the skids end up alienating themself from the SM since you are not allowed to talk to them like your own children makes it hard to develop any sort of connection with them.

BSgoinon's picture

I have not had the pleasure

I have not had the pleasure of reading through all of the responses.

Seriously, you can not expect anyone to predict the future. Crazy BM's often are in hiding until after a wedding, once they realize there is an actual "stepmom" or "new wife" in the picture, it knocks a screw loose in their brains. There is no way to explain what happens. And I assure you that there are plenty of NUCLEAR marriages where the husband or wife feels the need to vent about the other. This is not a new concept, venting about things in life that annoy you. I don't understand why we get so much heat for venting about our spouse's ex's, and/ or the kids. I happen to be very lucky in the skid department. He is a great kid, but I tell you what... I vent about OTHER peoples kids all of the time and if any one of them would have ended up my skid... my posts here would be much different!!

Relax, no one is saying that we just didn't realize he had kids... or that he had "baggage" blah blah blah... sometimes we just get the "I didn't sign up for this crap" feeling, and if we don't get it out... then we will explode!!

—

"They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that is why they hated me."- Sheldon Lee Cooper

tweetybird74's picture

What an aweful situation. I

What an aweful situation. I am not sure I would have stuck it out!. When I say act like adults there are some posts I have read on here where things that are said and done are childish IMO. Like I have said many times before all situations are different. Yours seems extreme and to be honest scary, and I am pretty sure I would have run really fast.

silver ring's picture

Yes, they are a package deal.

Yes, they are a package deal. You are right, Tweety. Nothing is perfect in this world. Kids are a reflection of their parents. In my opinion, stepaprents are parents too. They take up financial and emotional responsibilities-not all of them- and they must offer the kids models and guidance. Unfortunately for some stepparents, there is not always easy. Stepkids have a bunch of scars from their BMs.Ex-wives/partners-some of them-find that it is easier to get a vendetta over the ex-husband/partner using the kids. That is tremendously bad.You have to admit that stepparents have the right to vent period. Even biological parents vent and rent about their kids. But nobody says:"Well, why are you complaining? You chose to have kids."
So be empathetic and compassionate toward stepparents.Being a parent-a real one-is the toughest job in the world.
And society should value stepparents and recognize their contributions.