Why do I do this to myself?!
At one point today, SO informs me both SDs have a band/awards ceremony this week (our week), even though he thought it was last week ... I got curious and asked how he was informed of this and he says, "I don't remember if I asked the girls or they brought it up." Um, yeah RIGHT! Interesting that just before he told me he was informed of this, there was a 24 minute phone call from BM ... now I know I shouldn't, but I check his phone records (he was dumb enough to give me his password...) because I know he doesn't tell me when they communicate even though we've had the discussion where I asked he respect my feelings and keep communication to ER only (AND ONLY the kids) and if there's anything else then send an email (thanks to another poster on here for that idea!) ... he said he understood but yet there have been numerous texts and phone calls since I asked to establish this boundary ... and of course it ALL occurs when I'm not home or I'm just not informed of it when a text comes and I am home ... and there have not been any ER's!!!
I know he's not telling me about these things because he doesn't want me to get upset or act all "crazy," but I don't see that as him respecting me or my place in our relationship ... he always says something to the effect of "I have kids with her, I have to talk to her." No, you don't HAVE to ... if it makes me uncomfortable that you are not confronting the woman who has said such awful things about me for 3 1/2 years ... and he says he wants to marry me and just wants me to be happy ... well, this certainly does not make me happy!!
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how about when they delete
how about when they delete the crap off of their phone before you can see it. And you know that there was previous text communication. I almost dumped FDH over that.
So stop telling him what to
So stop telling him what to do. If HE is comfortable texting his baby mama, leave it alone. I find that women get upset, frustrated, and feel "sad" because they are trying to change their man, and he doesn't want to change!
He says he "understands" - read: "Ok, honey, whatever you want" just to get you off his back. He's not going to do it. That's why he goes behind your back. He's still going to be "him" the was he wants to be, he'll just hide the parts you don't like. Then resent you for it.
It used to bother me a lot
It used to bother me a lot too, but I have kind of disengaged from it. Yes, sometimes I still might say something to him about keeping the calls to kids only. Believe me when I say it doesn't stop. His kids are almost 18 and almost 23. It seems that there is always something. Going off to college won't make it any better, in fact, there might even be more conversations. The girls seems to tell their mom more than their dad. So she lets him know everything that's going on with how they feel, what they ate, if they had a BM...well, maybe I'm exaggerating, but kinda seems that way.
The 23 year old got in a lot of trouble last year, DUI, etc. So there is always ongoing conversations about her, how she's doing in her new school, her DUI DMV course, her feelings, whether she's tired. She just thinks she has to inform him of everything. I wish the hell the girls would start talking to him more about stuff so he doesn't have to depend on her informing him of everything.
I'm not trying to tell him
I'm not trying to tell him what to do ... I'm trying to be honest about how their communication affects me and what I feel about it ... I don't appreciate the things she has said about me (after flat out refusing to meet me for so long) and he just pacifies her because "it's not worth fighting over or pissing her off." But making me unhappy and pissin me off is worth it? I know I'm not the only one who feels this way about non-ER or non-kid related communication ...
The thing is he will not
The thing is he will not change a great deal for you. Sad but true. So maybe this relationship is not the one for you. It isn't wrong or right, just not the one for you.
I don't know how old you are but one thing I have learnt is sometimes you just draw your line in the sand and when it is crossed you walk away. It is like you both have different standards or boundaries. HE wants to communicate with his ex so he can remain in the loop. My DH hounded his ex for the slightest information and she would refuse to speak to him and 'inform' him about stuff a few hours beforehand so he couldn't get out of work in time to attend.
But I think this lack of trust on your part speaks to something else. Either he is not trustworthy or you have serious trust issues (I know, I was in this category). The point is do you want to remain with him long term or not? If neither of you are willing to respect each other to give a little (you accept their communication and he only texts and emails that you can read) one if you is bound for a life of misery. Sadly, I think it may be you because he has the kids.