20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

DH almost jumped out of moving car over SD

DH and I were on our way home this evening from a meeting for our BS. DH picked up Easter gifts for the Gkids today. I figured he would deliver them tomorrow during his usual daily visit, but no, he wanted us to stop by after the meeting to SD's house. I have been disengaged for 2 months only and DH thinks that is long enough. He said I am being childish and should just forget everyting and move on. He has admitted to his part about the bad-mouthing with SD about me and feels that enough is enough. I said no, I am not willing to ever to sweep it under the rug anymore. Everything will just go back to the way it was and I will NOT live like that anymore. He just FREAKED out - almost calling me crazy and barely stopped the car and jumped out. I did not yell or over react to any of this conversation in the car just merely stated that I am taking care of myself now and don't want to participate in the games anymore. When he jumped out I calmly stated, "I am not going to beg you to get back in the car". He continued walking and I drove off. It took him around 45 min to walk home. He was at least 15 KM from home. What a doofus. I really feel like our marriage will not last much longer if he is still this passionate about reuniting SD and me but nothing will change. I told him i feel betrayed and humilated by all the stuff that he disclosed to his princess and have lost face. He just doesn't understand how deep that goes. I chose to divorce SD and maintain my marriage, but is seems like DH cannot live with my decision. Has anyone's marriage ever survived such a volatile and irate DH. I mean he was not himself at all. He was yelling and out of control with frustration. We had a lovely weekend but he went to visit SD today and it is back to the same old Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde DH. Once he visits with her he comes back fighting tooth and nail. I am so sad and depressed right now. I never wanted my marriage to end over her and HIS foolish gossiping games. help...


not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

And... This is why you were

And... This is why you were right to remain disengaged. Until he can show that he won't always defend SD and himself when she and he were in the wrong, you stay disengaged, which may be for the remainder of your marriage.

You'd be surprised how much better so many of these bioparents would have it if they just learned the golden phrase of 'I'm sorry, how can I fix it?' and the actually try to fix it.

Doubletakex3's picture

Wow. I don't know your full

Wow. I don't know your full story but the fact that your DH is so emotionally attached to YOUR relationship (or lack thereof) with SD is concerning. What's this really about? Control? Does he see himself and SD as one entity (codependent) so rejecting her is rejecting him?

SD is an adult so what the heck matter does it really make (in the grand scheme of things) if you two are buddies, frenemies or acquaintenances? He's taking this WAY too personally, IMHO.

I'm not Mary F'ing Poppins.

LilyBelle's picture

He is totally enmeshed with

He is totally enmeshed with his daughter.... not healthy. Wow.

~Lily

Drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic? I drink Fanta, so that must mean I'm Fantastic!!

"I am a Bitch-- Beautiful, intelligent, tough, charismatic, and hell no you're not messing with me."

simifan's picture

Wow. That is a bit extreme.

Wow. That is a bit extreme.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

A good friend once told me not to dread the future.
One way or another, it would come. The trick was to
meet it with open arms so that when it ran me over,
it wouldn’t break anything.
— Renegade Waya Mayan - Dark-Hunter

unbelieveable's picture

I am so sorry you have to

I am so sorry you have to endure this...this sucks for you. I'd stay disengaged and explain to him that the attitude he comes back with after the visits is why you choose too...I don't know WHAT he put into your steps head but DAMN - you are his WIFE. You live with him full-time...she is there how much?? You and your decisions come first in your home...he can go on his visits but he better come home as a loving husband and if your ears are burning while he's been gone - he better have a good explanation for it - I think they both owe you a huge apology!

emotionaly beat up's picture

If it helps I am 8 months

If it helps I am 8 months into NO SD IN MY HOME EVER AGAIN and for reason similar to your own. I do not for one second think DH was engaging in bad mouthing me with SD, but he by his silence everytime she humilated me was certainly condoning her treatment of me. He has lied to her and made me out to be the bad guy over many, many things, things I only found out about from SD's boyfriend and his sister, so, there is no hope for any relationship with SD especially now, because I NEVER want to see her or hear anything about her ever again. However things slowly, slowly, slowly have improved here and as I said it is now 8 months. The first 3 or 4 months I was pretty sure the marriage would not survive, and to be honest I didn't really care after a while. The more he felt his daughter had been wronged by me, the less I cared if he stayed or went. Funny thing is, as soon as I started caring about this marriage, and starting actually thinking enough is enough, I want him gone............He started to change his tune. SD had her 30th birthday a couple of weeks ago HUGE BIG DEAL TO HER, and as it was on a Sunday I wondered what DH would do about it. Well, he actually did nothing, he did not pick up the phone and ring her, now, he did from work the next day, but I don't really care about that, because the fact is, he did not do it in my prescence, and he made SD wait instead of upsetting me. That is a first for this guy, let me tell you. I had always thought that he did not LOVE his daughter, he was IN LOVE with her and there is a huge difference there, a difference that actually made me feel ill.

So 8 months ago I banned that evil woman from my house, and yes the early part of that was pretty rough, but today, I think even DH is relieved it is all over. Now I cannot guarantee the marriage will survive, he has lost my respect and I still hurt over the way he allowed his children to treat me, my feelings for him have definately changed, but, he shows signs of change in himself for the better on occassions, and I guess that gives me room for hope that we may actually be able to live in peace.

I think the fact that I will never love him the way I once did, the fact that, the special spark that made me love him unconditionally, that made me put him and his needs and WANTS first to the exclusion of my own is sad, but I am glad that the self respect that has filled the void and given me the strength to treat myself with respect has taken its place, because to be honest, loving him more than I loved myself was the real reason I allowed this to go on for 8 years. I am much happier now that I actually have some self respect.

I am so very, very sorry you are going through this, it is horrible, and it is so tough in every way, physically it takes its toll, and emotionally well, the depression that an set in is awful. But, you do have to ask yourself, is a husband that puts his daughter before you worth getting depressed over, is losing a marriage to a man who puts another woman all be it his daughter first worth getting depressed over, and the only answer is NO. If you lose a marriage to a man who thinks his daughter comes first, especially and adult daughter, really it is no great loss, in fact it is a blessing in disguise. If however you stand your ground and you are right to do so, and things turn around, well then at least you have a marriage that stands a chance because it means your husband is actually starting to see you are also a person with feelings, and that he needs to take care of you, not just his daughter. I sincerely wish you all the best. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing.

just.tired's picture

Emtionally beat up, once

Emtionally beat up, once again, so well said!
You express yourself so eloquently and offer such genuine support.

sandye21's picture

Wow, EBU!!! You are so right

Wow, EBU!!! You are so right when you say, "If however you stand your ground and you are right to do so, and things turn around, well then at least you have a marriage that stands a chance because it means your husband is actually starting to see you are also a person with feelings, and that he needs to take care of you, not just his daughter." This has been my expereince also. I am so tahnkful I have finally gained enough self-respect to set limits.

Dori's picture

EBU- Bravo ! Your advice and

EBU- Bravo ! Your advice and canter is spot on.

Your comment " I had always thought that he did not LOVE his daughter, he was IN LOVE with her and there is a huge difference there, a difference that actually made me feel ill." Hit me like a ton of bricks. I have said that many times about my DH and SD, and felt the same as you regarding it. As though you are the other woman or something, not the wife.

Thank you for your post! You helped me too !

As for DH almost jumping out of the moving car. My DH can be the same and it's always over SD. Sometimes I have no clue WHAT it is about. Just talks with her and Boom. When I don't just go with the whatever attitude he can get that way, too. Stand your ground, you deserve to be treated far better than that. I am really sorry that you are dealing with all this. I know how awful that feels.

steprabbit's picture

I have experienced the same

I have experienced the same thing. I wonder if it is just the youngest daughter that is fawned over and can do no wrong. In my situation, SD20 has stolen and ran up a credit card and lied to us about it. But somehow the whole thing is turned around by her and DH feels like its his fault. Thank goodness she's at her mothers house I agree abou disengaging. You have to take care of yourself first. Maybe if they would act like adults then you might be more willing to restart the relationship. Two words that are rarely said be steps but expected of stepmoms........I'm Sorry

steprabbit

Miss-Step's picture

After this past Easter I

After this past Easter I sincerely want to disengage permantly from SD27 too. While I have limited contact with her now, DH doesn't get it. He just has the same feelings as DH, I just need to move on, get over it, etc. (my DH doesn't rant - he does the 'remain silent, brush it under the rug' thing.

WHY? Because it is his daughter? Some relationships just don't work. (I don't feel that way totally about other 2 Skids.)

I give you kudos for calmly holding your ground. He needed to walk home and cool his head. I hope I have your courage to the next time he forces the 'family-get-to-gethers' -- to remain my ground.

Your DH is frustrated because he can't fix it. Maybe you should just tell him, "Look, SD and my relationship is broken because of these REASONS (which it sounds like you tried to tell him already). It is a deep wound that can't be healed quickly. And you pushing the issue doesn't help. I am married to you. Your daughter doesn't like me. Why would I want to be around someone who is disrespectful. I wouldn't hang with any person who treated me bad. What makes your SD different?" I'm giving myself advice here too. Hang in there. And point out the next time he has attitude from visiting SD - You don't have to take this treatment from him either.

Poodle's picture

My DH is experiencing this

My DH is experiencing this sort of rage at the moment but is not expressing it. I have been very interested in the responses of the posters who say their marriages have got heyond this enraged acrimonious stage and they have managed to salvage something. I've looked at your profile and even your name shows you have had a very long, happy marriage so this is simply a short portion of it for the moment. It seems to be related to the grandchildren. I wonder, are these his only grandchildren? If so, then this period must I guess relate to a specific development in his identity that comes when one is of elder generation like us, especially if one's own parents are waning or dead. This is when one is a kind of ancestor-in-waiting I suppose. Thus, there is a heck of a lot at stake for him. Maybe counselling for how he can enjoy this great new extension of his identity without feeling threatened by the fact that you are not at his side developing with him in the same direction? Must be very lonely for him. So as to learn not to hold this against you he may need to go through this sort of therapeutic work alone and it not be a couples thing -- I don't know -- I don't know enough about couples therapy myself.
As for what you did, I thought it was really right and good on you, painful though it was for you.

It's nothing personal.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Yes, these are his only

Yes, these are his only grandchildren. But the oldest one is 9 so it is not really new to DH. Not sure what triggered the major shift but it is awful and almost unbearable. It sucks to be me right now.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

More to this... today DH made

More to this... today DH made a feeble attempt to talk to me. I was basically just carrying on with life and not starting anything with DH. I told him it is too bad we can't speak about SD since he loses his head and turns into a raging lunatic. Well of course he took that as a challenge and tried to talk. He did storm off twice, but came back. That is a huge step for him. Usually once he stomps off, that's it for him. Anyway, I held my ground and said nothing has changed and nothing will change if I just go back and re-engage with SD. He was so frustrated he said he can't live this way - SHE'S OUR DAUGHTER - how can you just write her off? I said, she is not my daughter because my daughter would never treat me that way. That is a great line I learned here by the way, thank you to whoever pointed that out. AFter a bit more bantering like this with him stating that if I don't re-engage he hinted that we might as well part ways. So, I said, "do you want to know what i am hearing? I heard you say that OUR relationship or more specifically mine and SD means more than our marriage, is that what you just said?" He didn't know what to say since I put it into such a black and white statement, with no ambiguity. Shortly after this statement he literally burst into tears and started crying. OMG. He is not a crier, believe me. It was such a shock I just didn't know what to do or say. Usually if I cry, and believe me I have cried a huge river in the past few years, he does nothing so I did nothing too. He stopped crying after a few minutes and calmed down. We are in huge trouble if he is threatening divorce over his princess and gkids. I am not giving in though, if he wants a divorce over this - so be it.

sandye21's picture

20year, I went through this

20year, I went through this two months after I married. I had been away on business (left just after our wedding) for two solid months and had a weekend off. SD was staying at my house at that time and would not give us 15 minutes alone. When she finally DID give us a couple of minutes, shortly before I returned to the job, DH became angry and would not sit alone with me for 10 minutes. Then he cried and went on about poor, poor SD. I went back to the job to continue working until the job was final. When I returned home I SHOULD have given DH the choice to either act like a husband or end the marraige. Instead I sucked it all in and put up with nothing short of emotional abuse for over 20 years. DH has threatened to leave on the average of every 6 months, pulled tanrums, used every bit of immature manipulating that he can think of. The longer you put up with this the harder it is to stop it. Another thing - even though I believe DH should not be prevented from seeing his Daughter, every day is obsurd. EBU is so right - it is not worth it to be married to someone who treats his Daughter like his wife. You deserve more respect than that. And really, isn't marriage about mutual cooperation? Your DH has to learn that giving has to go both directions because the relationship will not survive or your self-respect will be sacrificed.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Oh you bet she's involved

Oh you bet she's involved somehow. They are both trying to minimize it all and say it is all just minor nothings that I shouldn't be dwelling on. I am exaggerating and a little paranoid too LOL. Such text book manipulating. Thank goodness I read the article on RA since it made everything so clear to me. Once I disengaged the fun was taken away from SD. DH insists he doesn't engage in gossip about me with her anymore but he still goes there everyday and I just don't believe him anymore.

anafiodorova's picture

Listen to emotionally beaten

Listen to emotionally beaten up she gave me excellent advice in a similar situation. Your self - worth and self - respect come first.If someone know why men react in such irrational way over their daughters I would really like to know.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Anifiodorova, the men who

Anifiodorova, the men who react this way over their daughters don't even seem to know there is anything wrong with it and are stuffed as to why wives have a problem with it. So if they have no explanation or understanding of their behaviour, I don't think any of us have the answer either. I am settling for WEIRD to be nice because my other thoughts about their inappropriate behaviour and abnormal relationships they have with their daughters is not nice I can tell you.

20YEARS A STEPMOM. He really is trying to push your buttons isn't he. Threatening divorce if you don't give in and "love" his daughter well Smiling to quote him "OUR" daughter Smiling and crying. Something is going on here isn't it. Stepdaughter must be so keen to get you to cave in she is putting pressure on daddy and he is not coping too well with it. Oh well, guess he needs to work out how father daughter relationships work and start acting like a parent, like a father to his daughter and not a friend, a lover, a husband or her child for that matter, she does not or should not get to tell him how it will be. Fathers do not go around and visit their adult daughters every day, well normal father's don't anyway. I hate to think what madam is saying and doing I am sure the tears are flowing in that house as she points out all the ways in which she is a victim here and how she has lost him to you and he cares more about you than her and his grandkids and guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. Must be driving him mad. Perhaps he should stop going round there everday to pick up his dose of guilt.

I suspect he does not want a divorce he is just getting desperate to keep his daughter happy and if you cave in to her then she wins and if she wins she is happy and if she is happy daddy is happy, and if only you would do the right thing here and let SD have everything her own way, then everyone would be happy, see YOU really are the problem here arent' you. It's all your fault, I know this because one day, well one night actually when we were screaming at each other over the evil one he actually said to me, if you would just shut up and put up with her crap like I do and say nothing then we wouldn't have a problem, why can't you just let her say whatever she likes............See, it was all MY fault, I expected his daughter to treat her father and myself with respect (as she was treated) and he thought I had a hard neck expecting that from her and I should just shut up and let her say and do whatever she liked in my home. Yeah right I'll do that as soon as hell freezes over.

They really do see it as US we don't put up with the crap that they put up with from their daughters so therefore we are the ones causing the trouble and the daughters tell them that we are the ones causing the trouble because they point out things like, remember dad when she said don't yell at your father like that, she had no right to say that to me dad, she is not my mother....Dad, thinks (rightly so) you are right precious daughter it really wasn't her place to say that, I can see why you would be upset. Unfortunatley, dad completly ignores what SD did to cause that to be said, he just sees what his daughter is complaining about, SM overstepped the mark and told his daughter off, which upset his daughter.

So SD was not wrong for coming into our home and paying out big time on daddy because she wanted something from him NOW right this minute, and instead of asking nicely demanded at the top of her voice I want xyz and you need to give me this because I am your daughter and you owe it to me, I had to pay off my car by myself (we gave her $3,500 towards it), you should have bought me that car and you didn't because of her,and blah blah blah. Nope, nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with never getting a thank you for the $3.5K she was entitled to that I was wrong for expecting a thank you.

These girls have got them so twisted around their little fingers that they don't know if they are Arthur or Martha anymore their little brains have been taken over by daughters mouth and until daddy sees what is going on it will never change. Daddy will never see what is going on until he stands to lose something, his wife. When he realises that he will have to actually sacrifice something himself to make his daughter happy, when he has to sacrifice his home and his wife well then things will change, because the truth is, these guys cannot cope with trying to make SD happy all by theselves they need their wives onside. Once we go off side well it is all too hard for them then.

To be honest if a man leaves his wife for his daughter then the wife is better off without him because the cold hard facts are he has chosen to love another above his wife, and no one deserves to be second best to another woman in her marriage, even if that woman is a daughter. Leaving or being left is hard, living with man who loves someone more than he loves you is even harder. We deserve better and as soon as we find the self respect that we allowed them to erode from us over the years, the sooner we will be a lot happier in our lives.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thank you Emotionally Beat

Thank you Emotionally Beat Up! You are so right and your posts show me how I really NEED to stand my ground now more than ever. We are at a major crossroad and DH needs to see just how serious this problem really is. His breakdown yesterday was a clear example of just how stressed SD must be making him. He didn't see her for 5 days due to us going away for a few days and he was lovely and pleasant. The very first day he was back he went to SD's and he lost all control. I hope we survive this but it really is up to DH. I don't honestly believe he would divorce me over this, but as I said above, I am not playing 2nd fiddle any more. He is free to leave (and go live with his mini-wife) if he wishes. I often wonder what SD's DH must think of all this.

Poodle's picture

God can you imagine what he

God can you imagine what he puts up with!!! Eye-wink

It's nothing personal.

NoDoormat's picture

Yes - My DH had this issue...

Yes - My DH had this issue... YES, you can stay married, but your DH must decide that he is MARRIED TO YOU, not her. I have posted this many times before.... sorry to say it again:

It really helped when we went to counseling... (several different ones I might add) and all of them pretty much said the same thing... but the one that hit the home run was the one that looked at my DH and asked him, 'WHO ARE YOU MARRIED TO NODOORMAT or YOUR DAUGHTER?? IF YOU CAN'T DECIDE YOU WILL END UP DIVORCED AGAIN VERY SOON!'

There is a hierarchy IMO:
God,
Spouse,
Family, work, etc.

When you are MARRIED, that is when TWO BECOME ONE. Your spouse is supposed to consider you and himself the SAME ... team mates... partners in life... UNITED.

When you are married, you are OTHER CENTERED.... meaning, you take YOUR PARTNER INTO CONSIDERATION BEFORE YOU TAKE YOURSELF, YOUR NEEDS, YOUR WANTS... and certainly not another person - whether that person is related or not.

At least that's what our marriage counseling said... the books I've read (including the bible).

Life is all about choices and consequences...
"You are free to make whatever choice you want,
but you are not free from the consequences of the choice."

LilyBelle's picture

TRUTH!

TRUTH!

~Lily

Drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic? I drink Fanta, so that must mean I'm Fantastic!!

"I am a Bitch-- Beautiful, intelligent, tough, charismatic, and hell no you're not messing with me."

emotionaly beat up's picture

I agree you absolutely can

I agree you absolutely can stay married if that is what both of you want to do. But I notice a familiar ring in your post, when DH does not see or hear from SD he is a happier more plesant person. The minute contact takes place, out comes Mr Hyde. My God how many times I lived that life. When I first told SD no more, I could tell every time my husband came home front work if he had spoken to her on the telephone that day because he would come in in a foul mood. At first I was just surmising that, but after a while I started to check his phone evertime he came home in one of those moods, and sure enough, he had spoken to her that day. Once I had confirmed my suspicions the very next time he came home in that mood I told him, look, clearly you are miserable here, and I do not want you to be miserable, and more importantly (and I stressed the more importantly), I do not want to live with a miserable and unhappy person. If coming home to me makes you so unhappy and bad tempered please do not come, you have other places you can go to live, you do not need to be here. He tried hard after that to hide the moods but it was still obvious he was having contact. After about 3/4 months the contact dropped off and just like magic so did the moods.

I really do not what these daughters say to them, but they do make them feel guilty, however our DH's have to make a choice to live with SD or us if SD has decided that is the way it has to be. I think most of us as SM's went into it trying to get on with the SK, in most cases if not all it was and is the SK who did not want to form a relationship with the SM and instead of DH working on that and helping his kids come to terms with the new relationship in his life, they just decided that every time SD was unhappy SM SHOULD DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT, and instead of teaching SD gently and lovingly that things have changed this is my wife, I love her and if you love me you will respect that. DH could easily have explained to SD, look I cannot give you the things I once did not because of SM, but because my financial circumstances have changed now, what I once had with your mother 100% has now been split 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever, and I have to start all over again, this is MY choice and I have to do the best I can, but that unfortunately means that I cannot give you the things I used to. EASY, no need to mention SM or the new marriage, we should never have been brought into it, and SK's should never have been allowed to think it had anything to do with us. DH should have protected us from that, not thrown us under the bus, let their kids think because of SM I cannot give you everything your greedy little self centred self wants, but if I could I would, I want to, but now SM is on the scene she wouldn't like it. They blamed us and protected themselves with lies. Sooner or later the Karma bus comes around and collects them, it hit my DH 8 months ago, and is running over yours now. Let it be, it is not your place to try and steer the bus away from him. You just let that bus sort him out and you sort yourself out.

I honestly think your situation is so much like mine that he will eventually have to concede that he cannot have the two of you in his life because of what he has done. He will choose you, and that is what needs to happen, HE NEEDS TO MAKE A CHOICE. SD then has to come to terms with his choice. She can live with it, or she can leave it, but she cannot have daddy as her husband. You, thankfully have come to your senses and realised this is not right and you have made a choice not to accept being second best anymore. Rightly so. WELL DONE Smiling It takes courage, and the road is tough for a while, but it is worth it.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Bingo. Do we all have the

Bingo. Do we all have the same SD LOL? Eye-wink

Poodle's picture

Now Jeff Goldblum

Now Jeff Goldblum disappearing my OSD, THAT would be killing 2 birds with one stone... Cool

It's nothing personal.

steprabbit's picture

Ditto for me too

Ditto for me too

steprabbit

Poodle's picture

How wise you are EBU, I have

How wise you are EBU, I have learned a lot from your words.

It's nothing personal.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Thanks Poodle, if I have been

Thanks Poodle, if I have been able to help you in anyway I am very happy with that. I didn't find this site till after I had gone through it all and finally banned SD. About three weeks later while working on the computer I googled "I hate my SD" and up popped Steptalk. Even though the deed had been done this site helped me to validate what I had done. It showed me it was NOT ALL MY FAULT and it gave me the courage to stand my ground and stick to my decision. If I can pass that support forward and help someone else then that to me is what life is about.

It truly is a hard road, but having travelled it for so long, I find it almost (not quite, but almost) laughable to think that we cause ourselves so much grief for so long, because as women we "hang in there" we by nature want things to work out, we want to nurture and we "LOVE" our husbands unconditinally, we are so "IN LOVE" with them we do not see we are not being loved back, because love is not about protecting yourself to the detrement of your partner, love is not about sitting back and allowing your children to hurt humilate and isolate your partner, love is not about you being the good guy with your kids and letting your wife take the blame for things she doesn't even know about let alone has done.

I think 20yearsastepmom has a DH who like mine has caused irrepairable damage by his lies and by his little one on one chats about SM with his daughter. If he has been bad mouthing her with his daughter or agreeing with his daughter when she bad mouths her, then his pride will never let him tell his daughter, look I made all that up and agreed with you just to shut you up and keep you happy, it's not true, I love my wife and she is the woman I want to be with, so he will eventually walk away from the mess he created, and he will go to where his bread is buttered to his wife. Best he make his move toward his wife fast, because after a while we are more than ready to let them go, if he waits too long, she may not want him.

I think it gets better when we realise the role we played in it all, when we accept, WE put up with it, WE allowed them all to do this to us. Once we realise we did that, we can then go about changing it. Ahh, the things we do for love Smiling In my case fortunately it has made me a better, stronger wiser person, it has given me a sense of self worth and self respect. I am now in a place where I have never been in my life before, I actually see myself as good as anyone else, not perfect, I make mistakes sure, but I certainly do not deserve to be constantly humilated and ignored by anyone, especially in my own home, and if I had a husband who thought I did, well, then I would be the idiot for keeping him. Never will I go back there again I have finally learnt to be assertive without being aggressive and confrontational, and that is a good thing.

sandye21's picture

"WE put up with it, WE

"WE put up with it, WE allowed them all to do this to us." EBU, this is something that is painful to admit but still - it is true. I can blame DH for doing the things your DH did, and I can blame SD for being so hateful for so long but 'I' put up with it. I allowed them to do it. I have to take part of the responsibility. I was afraid to take the risk of putting the marriage in jeopardy to save my self-respect. Finally I found the courage, and am thankful every day for it. My DH's brother recently came to visit and started to get a bit demanding, "Spoon!", instead of asking, "May I have a spoon?" I did not have to say anything or get upset. I simply looked at my husband and brother-in-law's girlfriend, signaled for them to help him, and walked away. Bro-in-law changed his approach immediately. I have found that setting limits does not have to be emotionally taxing or confrontational - you just do it as soon as the need arises instead of holding back and hoping someone sees the light. The longer you wait the situation gets more tense by the minute. I only wish I had pulled DH and SD aside shortly after we got married and told them what I would and would not put up with. I have been disengaged like you for over a year now. I have no more battles with or about SD, and life is so much better I have no plans of re-engaging. But I continue to visit this site because it gives me the incentive to stand firm, not to revert back to the woman who sacrificed her dignity to 'hang in there' with people who would not respect her. Yes, it IS a good thing.

Poodle's picture

(No subject)

Eye-wink

It's nothing personal.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Things are going from bad to

Things are going from bad to worse. DH visits SD every day as I already mentioned. For the past 2 days SD calls DH right before I am due home from work. Yesterday I got home a little late so I missed watching DH speaking on the phone with his mini wife Today I got home on time and they were on the phone again! He stayed on the phone for 40 minutes while we are both trying to do dinner. He was on the deck BBQ'ing and I was in the kitchen. I finally started to get annoyed and when he hung up I didn't say anything but he egged and egged me on. With him saying what's wrong ? You were in such a good mood earlier. I said nothing. Then he asked again and again, FINALLy i said, what you didn't talk with SD enough today during your 2 hour visit? Then he flipped out and said I am trying to keep him from his precious princess. Of course I am not, I just want to be left out of the BS. So again he threatened divorce because we can't be one big happy fake family. He also slipped up and told me some stuff SD said about me, like she really used to like me and I used to be so much fun before. BEFORE ! I said to DH, yes i was fun before my DH and SD starting stabbing me in the back. I also said I am LOT'S OF FUN WHEN I AM AROUND PEOPLE WHO TRULY LOVE ME. I am almost in tears and feel like the whole marriage was for nothing and SD was just waiting for the day to pounce. Well she did and DH calls her sweetie after every call and so on. She can do no wrong in his eyes, PUKE!

Rhyleighblue's picture

Hey! You know what? DH NEVER

Hey! You know what? DH NEVER threatens me with divorce because I always call his bluff. I even got so far as calling an attorney before he backed down and admitted that he was being an a-hole.

I don't play that game!!

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
― Elie Wiesel

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thanks.... i feel so sad

Thanks.... i feel so sad right now, but I am going to call a lawyer next week. If he wants a f'n divorce, I'll give him exactly what he wants.

sandye21's picture

20year, Besides seeing a

20year, Besides seeing a lawyer, I suggest you see a therapist who will help and guide you out of this emotionally abusive situation. Your DH seems to be getting some sort of charge out of keeping you upset. No one should be subjected to threats of divorce or the games your DH is playing with you. Good luck to you. You deserve to have someone in your life who truly loves you.

Poodle's picture

OH I so so feel for you 20.

OH I so so feel for you 20. I feel it's pretty clear right now that he is totally trying to provoke some sort of aggressive resolution of the issue between you. And, what is equally clear seemingly is that she is programming him to do it. This is appalling and humiliating. Is there any way you could take a break and stay with a friend for a while? I'm not suggesting looking at this like it's being turned out of your own home or anything, just that you need to have a complete break amongst people you love and not feel emotionally attacked in your own home. Just a breathing space might help you to regroup and blank him in the way necessary to stop her hitting home through him.
Hugs.

It's nothing personal.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

DH is going away next week

DH is going away next week for 2 weeks so we will have a short break from each other. I told him it took years for my hurt to build up and it will take a lot longer to heal. I don't think it will solve anything though until he stops the RA with SD.

Poodle's picture

Thank god. The pain of that

Thank god. The pain of that post was so awful to read. Try to avoid him in the meantime.

It's nothing personal.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thanks Poodle. I will do my

Thanks Poodle. I will do my best to avoid getting sucked into his vortex of emotional blackmail. I can't take it anymore.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thanks Poodle. I will do my

Thanks Poodle. I will do my best to avoid getting sucked into his vortex of emotional blackmail. I can't take it anymore.

anafiodorova's picture

I was not with my ex fiancee

I was not with my ex fiancee for 20 years only for 3 1/2 and we were going to sign our marriage license in a week. However, I left because of him texting his mini wife( a year prior she was sleeping in his bedroom on a matress next to his bed while I was put by his mother on a separate floor and not allowed to even step foot in his room even during the day) at 7- 8 p.m when I have just returned from school and was serving dinner and trying to relax.Mind you that Saturday and Sunday he spend entertaining and going to the m ovies with her while I was alone at home having to deal with my dissertation proposal stress. I was also accused of preventing him from communicating with precious( despite the fact that I told him to call and ask her what is wrong. Nothing was wrong she was just demanding attention and stirring up stuff). Heknew nothing was wrong and didnot call her and continued the texting not only this Monday but on Tuesday when she texted exactly at 7 p.m again as on Monday. When I brought up that this is a pattern that I donot like he reacted by locking himself in the bedroom and did not want to talk or communicate. Later in therapy I was told that his reaction is emotional abuse and is by no way right. I am happy I left and although it was very hard emotionally , physically and mentally now I am stronger and much happier. To this day he thinks that I did not care for his daughter. He never saw the underlying issues and the manipulations that were going on( this is happening a month before Christas and she was fishing form ipod and trying to get some money from him). He liked the attention and the manipulation from his mini wife( she is 12 almost 13) and her doing what BM used to do in the past- call at midnight or at 8 p.m with stupid demands trying to cause conflict. When I suggested that the BM is behind what is going on - I was dismissed as jelous of his daughter and jelous of the BM . Yes right I am jelous of a BM that had a kid out of wedlock while being drunk and on drugs .BM is a high school drop out with no common sense .The Bm never had a real job - all life on welfare.I guess he meant I am jelous of her uterus. Last time I checked I have one too - so no I can have children too and just because I am not a drunken highschool drop out looking to trap a man that does not mean that I am jelous. I just see what is happening and demand from you to step up to the plate and act as a man that wants to marry me not as BM`s dormat and your daughters husband.

I am glad I left and should I have stayed I have the feeling that I would have been in 20s position. Emotionally beaten up helped me through it all. Just like her I want to help women. Actually if I stay in the location where I am at I will start working with the Women`s center rasing awareness around emotional abuse.
Personally I have not been married and donot know how hard it is to take such an important decision as divorce. You have to listen to your inner voice and wisdom. You deserve happiness and to build up your self- worth and self - respect.
Love and light and listen to your own voice and intuition. You know when and what makes you happy!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thanks for that post. I am

Thanks for that post. I am not feeling as strong as I was - he is beating me down emotionally. I WILL NOT GIVE IN though. I deserve some happiness in the last 1/2 of my life dammit. What a jerk.

anafiodorova's picture

I think the emotional part is

I think the emotional part is the worse. I just could not handle him not being there for me emotionally and siding with his daughter`s ways. For me that was a sign for my future and times to come. I had to remove myself for the sake of my inner peace and mental stability.He was not ready to stand by me and be oneness, a team and parners - one united front.
Everyone deserves happiness. I sometimes think what if but know he will not change and does not see anything wrong with the way he treated me. So I remind myself that I am happy I didnot sign my life away to a man that does not love me enough to take emotionally responsibility and stand behind me.
You deserve to be happy . 20 years is a long time and I send love your way and I hope that your husband will get back to his sense.
I am a daughter and I cannot imagine my father coming to see me everyday. Actually my father is 63 and he prefers his peace . We talk but what your husband does is beyind unhealthy.
Love and Light

emotionaly beat up's picture

My DH told me that he was

My DH told me that he was unhappy in his marriage from day 1. He said that he used to provoke his ex wife into arguements so that she would leave him. He said he did not want to hurt her by leaving her. Now this information came after we were married. However, knowing him as I do now, I can tell you this. He did not do this to protect her from being hurt, he did this to protect himself from the consequences of leaving her. He did not want his family who had been dead set against this marriage in the first place to be right, he did not want them to say I told you so. He clearly did not want his kids to blame him, so if mum left, if she broke up the marriage he would be the victim and mum would be the bitch. Nothing's changed. He still refuses to take responsibility for anything.

To be threatened with divorce is a bullying tactic. Now either he is a gutless wonder (I have experience with those), and he just wants you to make all the moves and save him a) the trouble and b) the blame, and then he can be the victim of the marriage breakdown and you can be the bitch, because behind all of this is a man who actually wants out of the marriage, OR he honestly thinks he can do and say whatever he wants because you will never leave him, let's be honest you've stuck at this for 20 years and for him nothing's changed so why should you change, he thinks if he bully's you enough you will just cave and he and SD can get their own way AGAIN.

Either way you are being bullied, intimidated and threatened on a constant basis and this is very dangerous for your emotionally and physical health.

By all means talk to an attorney and see where you stand legally and say nothing to anyone while you get that sorted out. Thank God you have two weeks away from him to get this sorted out and to have a break from the abuse, and make no mistake this is abuse.

But, next time he threatens divorce put it all back on him, just tell him, okay then if YOU want a divorce that's fine, take your stuff and go now and I will have my solicitor contact you as soon as possible, and let it go, just let him deal with being threatened and intimidated. If he goes, you have to accept that, and even though it will break your heart at the time, trust me, you will within a very short period of time, time which I do realise will pass very slowly and painfully, but it will pass and when you look back it will have been a very short period, but you will be ever so glad he's gone. A life on your own filled with peace is far preferable to a life with a husband who prefers the company of his daughter to yours.

He has created a situation were you are not even second best, you really do not exist at all. I suspect SD wants you gone and she can then get daddy to sell HIS house in her opinion so she can get some money. I have oops HAD one of these SD's her plan was to get daddy to leave me, move in with her, sell the house and give her the money because after all he would be living with her. But she went further with her plan, after she had the money she wanted to see us both dead. God I could write a book.

Unfortunately for her I refused to become so depressed about this situation that I threw myself under a truck, instead of getting rid of my life, I got rid of her Eye-wink I truthfully thank God daily for the strength he gave me that day, and to this day I would still live by myself than live that life ever again. DH does seem happier when there is zero contact with her, but my happiness is far more important to me now, my happiness, my mental health, my emotional health, and my physical health, amongst many many other things, I have learnt this. No one was going to look after those things for me, least of all my husband, so I had to put myself and my health first even before his if I was to live a happy healthy life, and this I do every day, I look after me first, husband second.

Please take care of yourself, a husband and SD who treat you like this are not worth your health or your heartache. If your husband truly wants a divorce hanging onto him will only make YOU miserable, let him go. You need to take care of you because husband and SD certainly are not doing it. We are all thinking of and supporting you. I sincerely hope this works out in the best possible way FOR YOU Take care.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thank you Emotionally! That

Thank you Emotionally! That was a very powerful post and sends the point right home. I am being bullied and intimidated on a daily basis now. I do believe SD's motive is to break us up and it is working. She is planning her future financially and needs me out of the picture to secure her place in 1. getting money now - she is in deep financial trouble (living beyond her means), 2. planning for her inheritance (if DH dies and I am around she won't get all his money). DH would never believe any of this from his precious princess but I know it and you know it. I can't live this way anymore. I have been extremely ill for the past year (C. Difficile, and cancer along with a bunch of other minor illnesses). They are killing me slowly but surely. I will also try to find a qualified counselor who specializes in step issues to help me sort this mess out and a lawyer for the legal stuff. I never thought this would happen, but hope that life turns around for me soon.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Oh and by the way, I wish I

Oh and by the way, I wish I could just get rid of her, but this is the problem DH has with me. He doesn't understand me wanting to get rid of her - he wants me to talk to her and straighten everything out. It is because of the Gkids too - he is very attached to them - understandably - but the other Gparents don't see the kids that often. I don't know why he thinks WE need to see them several times a week. Basically, if I don't conform to his and SD's wishes i am out.

sandye21's picture

"I don't know why he thinks

"I don't know why he thinks WE need to see them several times a week." 20Year, here is yet another example of how DH is trying to manipulate the situation - so he does not have to shoulder any guilt for two failed marriages, and he can keep up the phoney image of two loving Grandparents. If he forces you to leave he may blame you but I can guarantee you will not give a rip when you start rebuilding your self-worth and get a sense of peace. As EBU wrote, you need to take care of you first, and do not give him the slightest hint you are seeing an attorney - the element of surprise will be one of your best tools.

anafiodorova's picture

Sandye 21 , phoney is what

Sandye 21 , phoney is what this type of people are about . They want others to see them as what they are not . My ex fiancee lied that he is married to me so that people will see him as this great guy that can have such an educated and accomplished woman .On another occasion he lied that he lives with his daughter and son and that he has 100% custody of both. He also lied that they have the same family name - which is a lie. He was so phoney and wanted to keep a facade of perfectness and would not stop at anything to appear to be somebody that he is not. It di dnot matter what I felt but what others thought. Another indication that this type of people never take responsibility or face life with dignity and integrity.
I can see it so clearly now. 20 please, listen to Sandye and EBU.

Love and light to you girls!!!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Honesly girsls why are you

Honesly girsls why are you all bagging my husband so badly, he seems to be able to fly around the world and live with all of us at the same time (and spread the angst around), so we should give him credit for that. Smiling

20 Years your illness if not caused by your life are certainly being made worse by it. My DH also wanted ME to sort things out with SD. Now, I did not raise this girl to become the woman she is, I did not spoil her rotten and make her believe she is the centre of the world, and I did not give her the life that caused her to become NPD. No matter what I could never sort this out with her because DH has told her some awfu lies in which he has blamed me for things, one example. BM died a couple of years ago, no will, and the house had to be transferred into the kids names, no one could find the title, turned out mum had never transferred the house into her name as per the divorce settlement. So SD starts screaming at DH and demanding he sort this out. Now, I told DH I would not be paying any legal fees for this and that any costs needed to be borne by the estate, that was a much as I said about it. Eventually SD rings DH and Ihear him say, well he (SS) will have to bring the papers over here one night, no he can't come then I work, it will have to be at night. That was the first I knew something was going on, and questioned DH. He says SK's have gone to a solicitor and HE needs to sign over the house. I spit the dummy as I have no intention of allowing him to sign anything I have not read, and potentialy finish up losing my house to pay SK's debts. I ask him is he aware that the land taxes have not been paid on that house for ovser 20 years, NOPE he does not know SD never mentioned that. Long story short, he makes SD bring the papers over when I am home and she demands he go and get them signed with her there and then. He says, no wife and I need to read them over. She throws papers yells and screams the usual. Boyfriend tells me the next day (BF used to come here to cry and vent when DH and SD were at work), anyway he tells me that DH had been speaking on the phone to SK for 3 months about this and had promised them that as soon as they had a solicitor he would go to the solicitor with them and sign the papers straight away. Then when SD had phoned him and said the papers were ready to be signed, he had said, no you will have to bring the papers here. So SD thought that I had stopped him from going to the solicitor. Now BF knows and belives I knew nothing about any of this, but SD never will belive that. So how can I build a relationship with here when she thinks I have done all these things, but worst of all he has led SD to believe that I had something to do with his marriage breaking up. I was not seeing him when his marriage broke up, we did begin seeing each other very soon after (big mistake), but I was not the reason he left, he left beause he wanted to. But as SD and brothers have been told this, well of course they want to believe it. They would like to believe that I had drugged chained and kidnapped their daddy, they don't want to believe that HE left. Yet he wanted me to fix things so that SD and I had a relationship going. Even if these two events alone were all that had been said to her, that would have prohibited any relationship forming, but there were heaps more things he had been saying to make himself look good and making me look like an evil bitch. You can never fix this relationship with your SD because of all the cozy little chats he has had with her.

Once again WE are expected to FIX things for our DH's, their kids, their parenting style, their responsibility.

Now the money issue, your SD will be pulling out all stops including grandchildren and their future welfare to get this money and there is nothing you can do about that. Again, our DH needs to sort it out, but he will not. He's gutless.

I would love for your marriage to work out I really would. I do not get on this site and tell people get out as a standard practice, I would prefer people's relationships work out and we all have relationships based on mutual respect for each other. However, no ones mental and physical health no ones self respect should be sacrificed for the sake of a relationship with anyone. For your relationship to work your husband has to want it too. He has to make some of the sacrifices that relationships take, and if he is not prepared to, if he is so concerned about is daughter that he fails to see you need his support, your health is failing, he needs to spend time with his wife too, then you do need to re-evaluate your relationsip and take control of things in order for things to turn out in YOUR best interests, especially health wise.

He has you so bluffed and brainwashed about how things should be between a father and daughter and he constantly reinforces that by his daily abuse and threats. Even leaving you alone everyday to see his daughter is a form of abuse, it is emotional neglect. Having the nerve to continue talking to her on the phone when you come home after he has been out visiting her through the day, is emotional neglet and it is rude and insulting. He has some very bad issues here, his relationship with his daughter is completely inappropriate, I always used to think that my husband and his daughter were involved in emotional incest whenever they were together or on the phone, it used to make me feel physical sick the gushy little girl way she would talk to daddy in that special voice, she was actually flirting with him and it was sickening, he on the other hand was so flattered by this, I could not bear for him to be anywhere near he really did make my flesh crawl. But, he denied it time and time again. I told him outright on many occassions that I felt if he and his daughter thought society would accept it, they would share a bed (I didn't put it that nicely), he did't bat an eye. He thought I was crazy so he didn't have to look at himself or his precious daughter, by the way, she too could well still can't I imagine, could do no wrong. Every young woman we knew who got pregnant before marriage was a slut, however, when his daughter got pregnant (still not married to this day), well it was just what young people do these days. Smiling

Enough about me, I was just trying to show you that this is how they operate, they do the damage, their daughers are evil souless people who have no conscience, they do not love their fathers, they cannot, they are too deeply in love with themselves to love another, and these dads think we can fix it for them. When we don't it is because WE don't try, WE don't want too, WE don't want them to be with their daughters, WE don't like their kids (true, but then again no one in their right mind would), they fail to understand, that their daughters have been so badly damaged mentally by the upringing they have had, no one can fix things, no one can make these girls love and respect their fathers because their fathers have taught them from the moment of their birth that they are the centre of the world and that daddy is their to serve them and daddy expects nothing in return not even a please or thank you. Just yell at daddy and daddy will serve and supply. We cannot fix this and DH's will never accept they have caused it.

You need to serioulsy get some support here, legal and emotional. It is so important that you find out where you stand legally with the house and finances, but probably moreso that you get some emotional support because the depression and stress that this treatment is causing you is making your physical conditions much much worse and harder for you to cope with. You need to talk to your GP as well about all of this if he/she is not aware then you need to make them aware. This from now on has to be all about YOU. After living with this for 20 years this is going to be a very difficult change for you to make, but the alternative is to continue on with your husband abusing you every day over his daughter to the point were your illnesses kill you.

Your SD appears to be so much like mine, you will never win. The girl if she is like my SD would be thrilled to hear the news of your death. MY SD actually plotted two days after the sudden and unexpected death of her mother, to ask her father to pay for mum's funeral or piss off out of their lives - this was not done out of shock, it was done from her constant desire to get money for nothing from anyone and everyone, she does it automatically, probably doesn't even know she is doing it. She has a live in BF who has purhased a house $350 thousand dollars worth of mortgage there, she no longer works, she only worked for a matter of months after they moved into the house, then got pregnant (another story of manipulation), and now she has mum's house to split between her and her two brothers, she got the brothers to put the house into the name of the brother who lives with her only. That brother has no partner and is in his mid thirties, now that the house is in his name and his name only, she never has to give her partner the father of her child a cent out of this if things don't work out there (and they wont). Both she and the eldest brother have deliberately done this to make sure their partners get nothing out of the estate. She used her mother's death to get a month of work then went back part time for a few months after that because she was so distressed. She was not too distressed to to out partying with friends, and shopping every day etc., she was not to distressed to play computer games with her older brother who had also taken a month off work over mum's death. Both of these two treated their mother like shit. A month to the day of her mother's funeral this girl was on the phone to daddy screaming about getting the older brother to sign over the house to the middle boy. They were already making plans to diddle their partners and get the money all to themselves. This is what you are dealing with and your SD like mine would have no conscience about this. You are the biggest obstacle in her way to daddys money, she NEEDS to get rid of you. Once you are gone, daddy will be easy pickings, and I am so sorry to tell you this, but if daddy does not see this, then you need to let him go and learn the hard way. Your husband is not a child, you cannot and do not have to protect him from himself. Let him go to the fires of hell if that is what he wants, but do not go with him. Staying in your relationship with things the way they are is simply that, you are going into the fires of hell with him, and given you are on your own here, you will fall and burn first. SD and DH has formed an alliance and you are out numbered, I think the best thing you can do at the moment is make yourself stronger because you are going to need to be twice as strong as they are if you want to stay in the relationship, and you will need strength to leave it. WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF and use the next two week wisely. Make your appointments so that as soon as he leaves you can start working out where you stand and what is the best way to change this situation to your benefit. Please, please, please, start looking after you. My SD would have loved to see me dead, the best way of fixing her up for all she did to me and my marriage, is to live a healthy and happy life, that cuts her to the quick, and I do have to admit, I get some, well that's not true I get lots and lots and lots of satisfaction in knowing that my being happy and healthy makes her suffer. It puts a smile on my face just thinking of that. Smiling Make them both pay for all of this by being healthy and happy, you can do it.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thank you very much

Thank you very much Emotionaly B. I hear you and I know you and all the others are right. Everyone who knows us, besides SD's family of course, cannot understand why I am putting up with the BS. I did go see my GP approx 1.5 months ago, about 1 month after I started disengaging. She has seen me depressed and crying in her office many times. More often over DH / SD issues than my health issues. I rarely cried over my health issues since they seemed easier to deal with than the pain DH /SD have inflicted. She told me I need to get out of the toxic environment I am in, my health depends on it. My Dr. almost started crying while trying to be supportive and offer some good advice. Bless her - she is a godsend. I have been to this same DR. for over 20 years so she know me very well. I have lost 25 lbs and am now down to 113 lbs. Yikes, I know I must help myself but i am soo scared. I worry about finances on my own and if I do get sick again and can't work. If I leave and take care of myself there is probably a very good chance I won't get sick again soon, but no guarantee there. If I stay I will DEFINITELY get sick again no doubt about it. My heart is withering up and don't have much left to give. Sorry for rambling but this is all so overwhelming and truly upsetting. First thing Monday I am calling to make those appointments! Thank you for being so open and honest - I need to hear it over and over again right now.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Your health will improve

Your health will improve enormously when you get out of the environment you are in, whether with your DH or without him. So, first things first, your doctor is right the environment you are in is toxic and it has eroded your self confidence to the point you are too scared to make the break because this or that might happen and you don't think you can make it on your own financially. He certainly drilled that into you didn't he. If you leave, you may get sick, but you will be better able to cope because all the emotional beatings will no longer be in your face day in and day out. If you stay, we both know your SD won't take care of you, and God knows I'd be scared to eat so much as a candy if she brought one in for fear of what she'd put in it. Your husband, well has he taken care of you in the past, do you honestly think he would look after you now.

Leaving really is your best option. It will clear the air and let you know where you stand. If your husband wants the marriage to survive he will see you are no longer coping with the status quo and make changes to it, if he does not, then the sooner ended the better. You cannot be in this marriage by yourself, you cannot be in it with your SD, the marriage is yours and your husbands, if the TWO of you do not wish to be in it then let it go. Talk to your attorney, perhaps when DH is away for 2 weeks you may have the legal option of taking his belongings round to SD's house and telling DH when he comes back move in there till the house is settled, that way you'd have more time to find a place of your own. I don't know if that's an option, but your solicitor will be able to guide you.

Right now you do sound a bit depressed so you are looking ahead at what will be from a very bad place. It is hard to see the light when you are down a dark hole. Things will not be as bad as you think they will be and when you are in a better place on your own and the depression lifts you will see things from a better perspective. All you can see right now is doom and gloom.

My first husband said to me as I walked out the door, you'll be back, you will ever make it without me, you can't cope financially. It damn near almost worked, for a second I froze. But common sense prevailed and I kept on walking. He paid not one penny in child support, and I raised 3 kids from the ages of 2, 6 and 7 on my own for 15 years, the were housed, fed, clothed and educated more importantly they were loved and cherished by one very happy and content mother which was far preferable to two unhappy parents. So not only did I cope I thrived. I suspect if things change here and DH suddenly feels that he cannot live without the evil one, he too would think I couldn't go it alone. Well I can and I could do it happily. You too can make it, you are a woman, and you have done this last 20 years damn tough, no weak woman would have lasted this long, you are selling yourself short. You can do this, and now is the time. You need to make changes for your health, and you need to be in a place where you are not being humilated everyday and worn down mentally and emotionally - if that place is by yourself, that's okay. You will be fine. Just sort it all out legally before you make your move, do not let DH and SD bully you. Trust me, if ther is a divorce on the horizon you're fight with DH will be nothing compared with your fight with SD she will be driving the whole divorce on her father's behalf and he will let her. So, you have a long term relationship with a doctor who knows the history, GOOD. Now you need to get yourself a good solicitor and find out exactly what you can and can't do. If you are able to keep your husband out of the house once he leaves for the 2 weeks, great, if not, I am sure the solicitor will have other options. Domestic violence comes in many forms and you even though you don't know it, are a victim of it. You do need to get out, being scared and feeling threatened and afraid are all part and parcel of how he has conditioned you to feel, do not let it cripple you anymore. You can do it.

As soon as the legalities are sorted out and you know what you can and cannot do, get your doctor to recommend a good therapist who can help you through this and get your inner strength and self esteem back. You have been playing second fiddle and acted like a doormat for so long, you think you are one. Well my friend time to whip up the doormat let SD and DH find somone else to wipe their feet on. You my little worm are about to turn. Smiling

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thank you Emotionally B. I

Thank you Emotionally B. I needed that. I am very anxious for DH to be gone - peace at last. He leaves this coming Friday and I am counting the days (minutes). I will get to a solicitor pronto, and also a therapist to help me dig myself out of this godforsaken dark hole. I am a survivor, I know that deep down. My upbringing was nothing rosy, my mom was schizo-manic depressive and was in and out of institutions my entire childhood. We girls (sisters) were practically raising ourselves since dad had to work very hard to support and care for us all on his own. We cooked, cleaned and did laundry at 7-8 years old! We ALL survived and are successful thriving adults - except for this mess I am in. They are there for me though and will have lots of support I know. I will pop back here daily to get my affirmations which are truly helping me cope. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart. Smiling

Poodle's picture

Give yourself a hug from me

Give yourself a hug from me 20Y.

It's nothing personal.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thanks Poodle - ((hugs))

Thanks Poodle - ((hugs)) back. Feels good to be hugged. Smiling

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well we do have similar

Well we do have similar backgrounds. Mum and dad were alcholics, we migrated to Australia from Scotland when I was 6. My brother was 12. Mum and dad just dumped us and went to work pretty much the minute we came off the boat it felt like. So, my brother used to get us to school. As time went on they moved into a house were a condition was they look after the elderly gentleman who lived there. WEll, that became our job. Mum would wake us up when it was still dark as she left for work around 6am. It was our job the three girls, by then 5, 7 and 9 to make all the beds, make this old gentleman's breakfast, and wash up the dishes. Of course after school there were jobs too. We had to do the washing in the copper and if you caught your fingers in the ringer, you got a belting, so you didn't catch your fingers too often, I still laugh at the thought of them being so pedantic about the ringer, when the copper was full of boiling water and they never mentioned it. Anyway we didn't have a tv for years so all this housework kept us busy.

Over time with all the drinking dad was becoming quite nasty, and mum, well, she was not the best either, she would set jobs, expect them all to be done to an adult standard, then instead of dealing with us when the were not done or satisfactorily done, she would tell dad, who would then belt ups.. Never worked out even now at 60 why she would do that to her kids, she knew he would give us a damn good hiding for the smallest of things.

My brother had to make sure he was home every Saturday night to proctect us because for some reason, stuffed if I know what it was Saturday night was belting night for someone, somebody had to get. Well, one of us three girls anyway. Again something I never figured out because they drank pretty the much the same every night. Oh well, moving forward to the positives of that. I grew up to be a strong independent woman, when I left my first husband, I brought up the kids on my own as I have told you, and they in turn as the product of a single parent home grew up to be a teacher, a cabinet maker and joiner and a human resources officer. Allhad part time jobs from the ages of 14, all completed their education, and none of them have been on unemployment benefits. All productive members of society. The girls are married with children of their own, and the boy is in a stable relationship (well as far as I can tell, that little stinker doesn't phone his mum as often as he should) Smiling.

So, once again I have rattled about me and my life, but I only do this to let you know you are not alone, we can have all this crap happen to us as kids and we CAN learn and grow from it and it CAN and often does make us better people and better parents. We who have kids and learnt from our childhood know that children do have feelings, that they do remember. We were brought up by parents who thought that kids didn't remember anything. YES WE DO Laughing out loud

I think your upbringing will help you no end and the very best of your awful situation is you have sisters to help you through it, you really are not alone in this. You have a wonderful doctor, and a loving family, and right now you have no idea of how supportive these people are going to be in your life, but they will be. Right now when you are in the relationship, people will only go so far, they tend to mind their own business at a certain point, and try not to overstep the mark. When and if you decide to go it alone, you will be surprised at how they gather around support and protect you. YOU because of your upbringing, or perhaps I should say in spite of your upbringing will handle this with amazing strength and grace. You will finally get to be YOU, and you will love it. No matter what the outcome of this, whether you stay or go, whether he stays or goes, something will change here and it will be the best thing that has happened to you in years because finally you will have taken control of this situation and your life and it really does feel so good.

With time, your doctor, your family and a change in circumstances to something that you are happier with the depression will lift and you will smack yourself about the head for putting up with it for so long. I still get mad at myself for that. One more thing, stop worrying about the SD and blaming her for stuff, for a couple of reasons, 1. That just keeps you getting madder and madder because you are blaming someone you hate for the condition of your marriage, you think it is her fault. 2. Focus the blame on where it should go 100% onto your husband, he chose to marry you, he made vows to you, it is his responsibility to protect his wife, and he should have loved, protected and honoured his wife (not her), your husband allowed, and participated in the breakdown of this marriage, he disrespected you, broke his vows, and in an emotional sense cheated on you with his daughter, he divulged issues about your marriage that were personal and private with her....HE did it, he had a choice and he chose to confide in her. It was completely and totally within his power to stop his daugher from discussing, disrespecting or bad mouthing you,if he had tried to stop it he couldh have, because at the end of the day these types of people who want daddy's money will step back very quickly once they now they are getting daddy offside, he could have stopped this so very easily and he chose not to. He is to blame for all of this, not her. Now, if you focus on him, and his role in this, it truly does help to get you past this stuff because you do, proabably even now at some level love your husband, because if you didn't, you would not be going through this heartache, if you didn't care about him you would have gone long long ago. It is easier to forgive and understand someone you love than it is to forgive and understand someone you hate. So, forget about her if you concentrate on her role in this you will find it harder to move on, if you put the blame were it truly belongs on him, you will be able to move on a bit easier. Also, as soon as you do this, it helps you to understand the role you played in it. Once you see things more clearly you can begin to forgive him because he is just an idiot, and you will forgive yourself because all you were doing was trying to be a supportive wife. But trust me, getting her out of your mind, trying to stop blaming her for ALL of this, goes a long way towards your recovery.

Sorry for calling your husband an idiot, nothing personal, I just read stories here, I recall what went on in my life, and I truly think these men have a screw loose. What normal healthy grown man is IN LOVE with his daugher. Sure we LOVE our kids, but to be in love with them, that's sick.

All the best, it will be all okay sooner than you think. I survived, Sandy21 survived, and we are married to your husband too, so you will survive. Smiling

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

wow - that was some shocking

wow - that was some shocking stuff about your childhood. A lot of us have crosses to bear and they really don't seem very heavy as the years go by. You are an amazing and intelligent woman - hats off to you, bravo! Just reading your posts makes things so clear to me. It is like cleaning off your windshield when it is blurry. Once you wipe it clean you can really see things so clearly.

I am very aware that I need to stop focusing on SD albeit being difficult to do. Not sure which came first the chicken (DH) or the egg (SD), but nevertheless DH should have put a STOP to this as soon as it started - or he should never have started it. He is still doing it and I just found this out on Friday night - he slipped up of course - after assuring me all the RA has come to a complete stop. I never believed him and was sure it had not stopped. Yes he really is 100 % to blame and I don't know if I can forgive him at this point. Even if he reassures me it has stopped I WILL NEVER BELIEVE HIM AGAIN. How can one be married to someone they don't trust and who betrays them over and over again. It just cannot be. I will bet you he goes to see SD every day this week too before his trip so he will be ripe on the vine while he is away stewing on all the garbage. It is his own fault though for putting himself in that position. She really is nothing to me now so I will work on not thinking about her at all. I have a troubled young teen to deal with so that should take up most of my thoughts LOL.

I cannot thank you enough for your bang-on insight and understanding. I want to be like you are in a year or two from now; strong, self sufficient and confident. I truly hope that is the case for me and I will keep fighting for my self-dignity and self-worth. Thank you, thank you a thousand thank yous! ((hugs))

sandye21's picture

EBU, We had very similar

EBU, We had very similar childhoods. My Mom did the same thing yours did: "Wait till your Father gets home." And then the belt. I wonder how many of the other posters on this site have had abusive childhoods because I truly believe it creates a pattern that goes on for life. We want out parents so much to love and nurture us, and we will go to rediculous lengths to get their approval. We are in a constant battle, nutralizing one toxic relationship after another. Then we marry a man like our Father and suck up to a SD like our narcissistic Mother.

Poodle's picture

What EBU says about letting

What EBU says about letting go of the negative feelings towards the SD is extremely important for our health and wellbeing.

It's nothing personal.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Firstly 20years, my childhood

Firstly 20years, my childhood is in the past and I am grateful for it, because but for the type of upbringing I had I would not have survived a lot of stuff I had to go through as an adult. So I truly am grateful for it, you are an adult suffering adult crap a whole lot longer than you are a child. Secondly, to be fair to mum and dad, they buried 6 kids before they ever got one who survived, so I think I'd turn to drink too. So please do not even think about that.

SD: Ah! where would we be without them, oh that's right, in paradise. Look I know it is so hard to stop thinking about them, banned my evil little witch from here 8 months ago have seen her around the traps about 3 maybe 4 times but we just ignore each other, and haven't seen her in maybe 4 - 5 months. But to this day I do still find myself thinking about her, and have to make a conscious effort to get her out of my mind. So, when I tell you to try and put it out of your mind I get how hard a task that is. Maybe when you find her coming into your mind you could replace the though with something more pleasant, I dunno, maybe you could imagine yourself lying in the sun in a pit of rattlesnakes, or perhaps swimming in some tropical island paradise with the pirana, anything is preferably to thinking about SD.

I also understand that for so long we did blame them, it was easier to blame then than to even think the man we loved, the man we married, and in some if not all cases, the man of our dreams, our soulmate could possibly betray us in this way, could let us down and could watch someone humilate and disrespect us so terribly. So it was less painful to blame SD. However in the long run, once you come to terms with who really is to blame DH it really is much better to deal with, sure the betrayal is immense and it hurts like hell to acknowledge it, but it does give you more power and control over the situation, it gives you a chance to change the dynamic of the marriage or end it. You cannot do anything about DH phoning or visiting or talking to SD he will do it behind your back if he wants to, but you can do something about whether you will or will not live with it. That is better than having no control whatsover and to feell powerless to help yourself in the situation. Forget her, you really would be far better off lying in the sun with the rattlesnakes at least you know exactly what they're up to, you will never know with sneaky caniving SD. Dad brought her up this way, dad to this day is encouraging it, and yes, he will lie his guts out to you if it gets him what HE wants, not what SD wants, but ultimately what HE wants. If he did not want to phone or visit SD every single day, trust me he would not. I know my own DH really doesn't give a rats behind about his daughter or his sons. If he did he would have sorted this out a long time ago. I told him it was coming for years, and even on the day it happened I gave him the chance to go to the door and tell her that I never wanted her to darken my doorstep again. But he told me to do it. Who lets anyone tell their child they cannot come into their home. But even then DH was protecting himself, protecting himself even though his daughter was going to be hurt. That woman stood on our doorstep with her brand new baby in her arms, his new grandaughter, a grandaughter he had not seen except for 1 night in the hospital, and he did not go to the door, he let me go and tell her get lost.

So, now I see him for what he really is and I understand completely what has gone on. He like his daughter only has eyes for one person - himself. Sure I thought and he acted like he had this sick incestious well at least emotionally, relationship with his daughter I thought he would throw me under a train to save her, I thought he cared more about her than he cared about anyone else on the planet. After all of this, he has not seen her baby his grandaughter who will turn 1 next month, to my knowledge he has not seen his daughter, he has forsaken her, his grandchildren and his sons and for what ME - absolutely not. For him. He does not want to pull his daughter into line because she will NOT LIKE him, he does not want to talk to his sons because his daughter actually prefers it if he goes through her, so he would not dare to talk to his sons even now, because if he does his daughter will get mad at him. He obviously hangs onto the hope that somehow I or she will fix this up for him Laughing out loud Laughing out loud Laughing out loud but all of this is about him looking like a meek and mild daddy who will give his children everything, they think he has nothing to do with them because of me. Well yes he chose me, but not because he loves me more than them, but because they really did make his life hard, they were always making him feel guilty, always wanting him to give or do stuff, always yelling ( and I do mean yelling) and demanding stuff from him. They never acknowledged father's day or birthdays or Christmas, and they had not one ounce of respect for him. He knows all of that and by choosing me and letting me take the blame he got out of a situation that he hated being in and manged to come out looking like the beautiful (victim) rose, while I looked like the thorn. He also chose me because his bread is buttered here. I cook, clean, wash iron, manage all the money, pay all the bills, do all the shopping, organise all his medical appointments, SAVE his money and do not spend it, and pretty much don't ask him for much at all. I even do most of the home repairs, so ultimately, he chose me because he gets a cushier quieter life here, he chose me because it was best for HIM. He chose me to make his life better.

So you see what he is and this sounds awful, but it is his nature to be selfish and to lie in order to protect himself and at the end of the day if it is his own children and grandchildren who pay the price for that, so be it.

Now, I on the other hand chose to stay here because at the moment things are fine in the house, he is pleasant and takative and things are okay, but I have now started to make my own way financially and to set myself up for a better life on my own if things were to change anytime in the future. He may think he has gotten away with this, but he has not only lost his children, but he has lost the love and the TRUST of a woman who adored him so much that I put up with all of this to try and give him time to build a relationship with his children. Let's see if I would try that again Laughing out loud

I have come out of this on top. I suspect that he is going to pay the price for the rest of his days. That is a real shame and I genuinely feel sorry about that, but that unfortunatley is life, no one could tell him, he would not listen, all of his life he has gotten everything he wanted, he has lied and cheated until he got things his way, well before we leave this world we pay, and I am deeply afraid that the paying the piper has only just begun for him. It does not pay us to go through life thinking only of ourselves and not worrying about others - Karma is going to bite you in the proverbial.......and, you know what, that payback comes from a higher power, none of us can change or stop it on someone else's behalf.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Previously married Augusta

Previously married Augusta Smiling Can't imagine why Laughing out loud It is so hard, I won't say impossible to sort this out, but it is so close to it it is not funny. This type of living situation can kill, I honestly believe that. I am glad you are out.

I think the thing that confuses me the most still does, is, how these men can put their daughters into such an exhaulted position, be used and abused by these daughters, not recognise that everytime they don't jump through a hoop of fire for precious princess bitch, that she will withdraw her "love" and stop talking to them, but not before giving them a verbal beating, andcan then have the nerve to attack their wives for not wanted to put up with this treatment also from said daughter, and for not wanting to give said daughter everything she wants but in the same breath as saying to wife, that's my daughter and I will give her whatever she wants, they are saying that there is nothing wrong with said daughter's behaviour, you are imagining it or making it up because you don't like her, or and I love this one the most, after being the idiot that encouraged my husband to have contact with his children (they were estranged when we got together)................You just don't want me to have anything to do with my kids.

I also love the way they do not hear that you are unhappy with "their" behaviour, they translate,

I think it is very rude for your children to come into my home and not even say hello or goodbye let alone speak to me, and I think you need to speak to them about that because if you told them you dont want them to behave that way, they wouldn't. into.............I think your kids are rude....end of story, and the response you get is anger beause you are attacking their kids. They never acknowledge the kids did that, they never acknowledge they allowed their kids to do that, no, they just hear you saying his kids were rude, not the behaviour was rude, not YOU'RE failing to do something about this is unacceptable, nothing is heard except four words, "your kids are rude" Then again honestly even though they will never admit it, they must know their kids are rude and just hate hearing yet again someone else say it Laughing out loud Glad you have moved on Augusta and I hope your health has improved out of sight. 20years, see another victim of Domestic and SD abuse, you are not alone, but in this case you need to take particular note of her health issues. Thank you Augusta I think 20years needs this support.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Quote of the day - for all of

Quote of the day - for all of us.

"If your presence can't add value to my life...............Your absence won't make any difference."

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Nice quote - I like that.

Nice quote - I like that. Things are a little quiet around here ever since DH threatened divorce and I said fine, let's list the house for sale next week! I don't think he expected that at all. He will be gone in 3 days and I look forward to peace and serenity in my home. Calgon - take me away. Smiling

emotionaly beat up's picture

Wonderful, a three day

Wonderful, a three day respite will do you the power of good.

Interesting how he backtracked when you agreed to the divorce and added to it by offering to put the house up for sale immediately. Guess he will be mulling this over in his tiny little mind now won't he.

Might add a nice glass of white to the Calgon.

Now I wonder where this will all go when he realises that you may actually start to bite back Laughing out loud I think that we sit back for years and years and years, and we do it for so long that even though for us it continues to fester like an ulcer inside getting worse and worse, for them, it is as if we are just so complacent and compliant that after all this time, that is who they think we are. Sure knocks them for a 6 when we say STOP enough is enough.

If he runs true to form he will now stop and think that he actually may have something to lose in this, and if he has to look after SD's well being or his own, now let me think wha will he choose, gee, that's hard, maybe I should phone a friend on that one, no perhaps not, I will pick A: He will choose to look after himself and stay where his bread is buttered.

If he stays chicken, just stay strong, when we have laid down and let them walk all over us for so long, it really does become a habit. I find myself checking myself all the time. Just little things, like before when he would ask me to get/do/help him with something I immediately stopped what I was doing and went to his aid (hell I would have come off life support to jump to his aid), now even if I am not particularly busy ie: even if I am just hanging around on the computer, I will say, okay just hang on a minute.

I still do all the things I always did, but I do make him wait a moment, and I do hang around and if he doesn't get the drift I will ask for a thank you. He is actually getting the drift more and more. But as I said, after all the years of service from childhood up until 8 months ago, it is a hard habit to break. He seems to be getting into the swing of things quicker than I am.

Love it that you said you'd put the house up for sale next week. Damn, why didn't you call me and I would have flown over for that one. Smiling Enjoy your break. Feet up, mind calm, okay. All the best.

sandye21's picture

As we've discussed, you just

As we've discussed, you just get to the point that if it means gaining your self-respect back you will divorce if needed. My DH has threatened to leave on the average of every 6 months for the last 21 years. After disengagement he blew up and threatened again (and you wonder where SD got it!). I responded, "You ever threaten to leave again, I'll sell the house." What was really amusing was the next time we had a disagreement, he accused me of threatening him. LOL Instead of putting me in a defensive position I said, "Every time you threaten me, I'm going to threaten you." It has taken DH a while to adjust to the fact that now I am only willing to give him the respect he gives me.

I talked to a friend who is being emotionally abused by her husband. She is thoroughly convinced she can not make it on her own financially. I guess it all depends on where your priorities lie: with financial security or self respect.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I walked out of my first

I walked out of my first marriage with nothing but three kids. I was on welfare and paying rent and eating fresh air while the kids had a piece of fruit and an apple to take to school for months. I did not get one cent in child support and I guess I was to busy trying to find ways of feeding the kids cheaply and keeping a roof over their heads to worry about it. Someway, somehow I survived, eventually I got part time cleaning work so I could fit in in with the oldest two's school times and I took the youngest one to work with me. I am stuffed if I know how I survived that and how we managed, but we did, and to this day I thank God we did, but I also thank God that I walked out of that marriage. The kids and I turned out far better for it. Then of course I met Mr. Manipulator, thank goodness the kids had all grown up I would have hated to put them through this crap. Anyway you know how the story ends. But the moral of the story is this. If you put one foot forward the other will follow and it all works out. Sandye don't you love how they threaten you constantly and make you feel insecure, then the one time you bite back, they get mad because you threatend them. Laughing out loud

sandye21's picture

Actually, I am quite amused

Actually, I am quite amused by it. Like you, I had an abusive first marraige and had to raise the kids for years without financial support. Today I do not know how I did it but it was all about financial survival. And I suppose this is tied in with disengaging. We do this for emotional survival. If I had allowed the DH / SD crap to go on after her last meltdown I would have lost my soul. The similarities between the behavior of humans and animals has been brought up several times. I have noticed that there is a certain pecking order. The runt of the litter does not survive if raised in an environment where there are only dogs. To survive you have to bite back once in a while to even things out. It really doesn't matter if DH gets mad or threatens anymore - it means nothing to me. As the past has shown, I will survive one way or the other but I'm much happier in my life knowing I am doing what is best for me. I know that sounds selfish but I am practicing the art of total mutual respect now.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Sandye like a lot of us here

Sandye like a lot of us here I too struggled with the "selfishness" of my decision, long before I actually mouthed the words don't come back. I didn't do it lightly, I didn't do it to be selfish, I did it to survive. I was asked by my doctor to seriously consider leaving him, and to go on anti depressants while I made my decision. I think that was, well I know that was the last straw. I had to medicate myself to cope with the selfishness of SD and DH. No way, so in order to regain my health and my emotional strength I took the decison to get rid of the person who was firing the bullets at me SD, and to tell the person who was supplying her with these bullets DH to feel free to go right along with her.

For us it is a selfish act to put ourself before DH, but the reality is, it is not selfish to remove yourself from a position of abuse. Mutual respect....that Sandy is what it is all about, and without it, no relationship will survive. It cannot be forced it has to be freely given. I did not tell my husband to go as some sort of ultimatum or threat, it was what I wanted, what I needed, him gone out of my life because he clearly felt his daughter was a more vaulable, more worthwhile human being than I was and was so flat out scared of her he had no time to worry about a wife.

I think me getting to rock bottom and being only to happy to end the marriage was a huge shock for him. I still don't know what the future holds none of us do, but hopefuly he will stay away from the toxic relationships he has with his children long enough to realise that he needs to be a father to them, not the village idiot. I think he needs time to grow up and learn what a father's role is before he attempts to bring them back into his life. However, it matters not what I think, he needs to do what he needs to do, and if he goes back into a relationship with his kids as their friend and idiot, then all I need to worry about is ME, how do I feel about going back into that relationship with him, and I do not really have to worry about that anymore because I know the answer. I will never go back to being abused by SD and DH. That is not selfish.

All our stories are so similar aren't they. However I think those of us with rough childhoods became strong adults, and those of us who were single parents solely responsible for the physical, emotional and financial well being of our children, and survived, became much stronger women, well hells bells if we can survive that, we can survive anything. It is our time for a bit of peace.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Good for you EBU. You know

Good for you EBU. You know it is bad when the Dr. tells you you need to leave and go on medication to survive. That is what my Dr. told me too a little over a month ago. I have been feeling sick to my stomach for days now even though DH has backed off. Ever since I called him on the divorce threat he has been as sweet as can be. I am not letting my guard down though, he can't trick me as easily this time. But I did enjoy the delicious chocolate he brought me today LOL. He even said he didn't go see SD yesterday which was a first. He is leaving in approx 30 hours for 2 whole weeks. I think he is afraid I will be gone when he returns. I hope he is worried - and he should be. I will not be abused and taken for granted ever again. I will keep coming here to stay strong and focused to save my health and well- being. Thank you all for being so supportive and giving me the best advice I have EVER received! Bravo to you all. (hugs)

sandye21's picture

20Year, I came to this site

20Year, I came to this site over a year ago and I still come back every day to stay strong and focused. It has been a God-send. Now I see women like you who are making progress, and seeing that they actually DO have options. It's wonderful! Maybe your DH SHOULD be worried you will be gone when he comes home. And when he does come home do you think he would be willing to go to couseling?

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

hi Sandye21, I thought i

hi Sandye21, I thought i answered your post but just noticed I did not. Sorry about that. I was away for the weekend at our cottage and DH was trying to call me Sat night. He left a voice mail at home saying he was surprised I was out so late LOL. He is sounding worried. I think he will go to counseling but honestly he just gets all huffy when we go. We have been to counseling but not focused on SD but rather on BS and family communication etc. SD came up a little bit during the visits. I am tired and bs is a young troubled teen with a lot of issues right now that I am dealing with. I think I prefer to focus on bs right now. Maybe counseling for myself too, but if DH needs to go he can take care of that himself I think. I am tired of always trying to fix everything. For once I just cannot bring myself to do it - for now anyway. Thanks for your support and I too come here everyday to read and stay strong.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Quite amazing isn't it. You

Quite amazing isn't it. You call his bluff and the bully backs off. Guess whether the bully is male or female, 2, or 22 or 102 they are all made of the same jelly inside. Call their bluff and things change. Enjoy the chocolate. I am glad he is still going away for 2 weeks, I think you need the rest. I hope however just so you have yourself armed with knowledge that you still make an appointment to talk to a lawyer while he is away and find out exactly what your legal and financial position actually is.

Would be nice if he really didn't go and see SD. Wonder what she thought about that one. If that is true though and he keeps it up, she may feel she is losing her grip on daddy and she will sharpen her claws. So as I said, I would if you want to still find out your legal position. Forwarned is forearmed.

Only 30 hours, glad to see you're not counting the time till he leaves Laughing out loud

Enjoy this time and use it wisely.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Hi 20yearsastepmom. Just

Hi 20yearsastepmom. Just thinking of you. Hope things are okay.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

hi EBU, I am doing OK. Just

hi EBU, I am doing OK. Just coming down from all the stress. It has taken until today to get my heart rate down and breath normal LOL. I don't know why but I feel guilty about everything. Why won't the guilt stay away. When DH is being all nasty and defensive I do not feel guilty at all. I am still seeing a lawyer soon since I cannot imagine DH accepting my disengaging on a long term basis. I appreciate you asking about me as I do feel very alone right now. Being alone is good for me though as I am sleeping well and don't have to worry about having a fight with DH.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well I am glad you are having

Well I am glad you are having time alone, and I am glad you are still seeing a lawyer.

That guilt you feel, well you'd better watch it, because that is the thing that got you into this mess in the first place. When you have this type of personality it is hard to just stop giving and start taking, almost impossible really. But honestly this guilt thing you feel has caused you to allow yourself to be abused by your husband and SD and God knows who else over the years. Some people are just absolute selfish pigs and some people are just too nice..............heard the old saying Nice guys finish last. You're finsihing last Smiling

There is a balance between being a self centred cow and being a doormat who gives and gives until it hurts, physically, mentally and emotionally. You need to find the balance and the hard part of that is, you have to change who you are - the doormat. Being the doormat becomes the way of life and it really is hard to change yourself. Now if you are in the position your husband and SD are in, getting everything you want, you will NEVER change yourself, why should you. So, don't hold out false hope that things might just change and you can remain the same, that's not going to happen.

If you can just find the strength to stand up for yourself for a short while, which I know is hard, but by doing so, it will lead you to some middle ground where you can give what YOU CHOOSE to give and say NO to the things that you really don't want to have happen or do.

It's not easy, it is very hard, but you do need to do this for your health. I think your SD is a lot like mine a greedy, all about me, evil woman who would do anything to get money and possessions handed over to her because she feels she is entiteled to a free ride. Mommy and Daddy taught her that. If she is, you cannot win, she will not change. She will always be watching you, if you eat an apple, she will resent it because daddy used what would one day be her money to pay for that apple. Yes they will think like that, because they have personality disorders and you cannot fight them by being nice. They see niceness as a weakness and pounce.

Anyway, talk to your solicitor and then see what you want to do. But please, do not allow yourself to be abused by these people anymore. Life on your own is better than a life like you have been having, even your own body is telling you that one.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thanks EBU. I know you are

Thanks EBU. I know you are right and deep down I know I have to stay strong since being "nice" will kill me. I will keep stopping in here to stay focused and it is a great reminder that some things will never change and I need to change to have the life I want to have. The guilt comes and goes so I think in time I won't have that issue too often. I hope so Cool
Take care and I will touch base again tomorrow.

NoDoormat's picture

20 year - I tried

20 year - I tried disengaging... did it for almost a year. DH & I were going to counseling the whole time... he kept trying to tell me SD had grown up, she changed, she wanted to make-up with me, etc. SOOOO I gave it another go, I busted my butt taking care of SD kids, doing for her, doing for them... give give give give...

(DH wants to see his gradkids 3-4 times a week too.... seems a little much for me)

Just found out DH & SD have been lying to me for over 8 months about money he has been giving her ON TOP OF ALL THE THINGS I HAVE GIVEN AND DONE (clothing both kids, shoes, babysitting, diapers, formula). DH actually told SD "don't tell....." (DH says it has been about $1200 to $1500!! )

DH and I have been fighting... and what does he pipe up with "YOU HOLD GRUDGES AND ARE UNFORGIVING" meaning when I disengaged because SD was LYING TO US, STEALING, ETC.

Just wanted to warn you... your DISENGAGEMENT might come back and be called a GRUDGE and it is all your fault... like it is mine.

IT IS MY FAULT DH & SD HAVE BEEN LYING TO ME BECUASE I AM AN UNCARING, UNLOVING, UNCOMPASSIONATE PERSON (yeah... the one that turned a guest room into a princess room for HIS grandkids, bought them a ROOM FULL OF TOYS! The one that has bought them most if not all of their clothes and shoes... the one that has babysat 6 to 10 times a MONTH... yep... ALL MY FAULT)

Life is all about choices and consequences...
"You are free to make whatever choice you want,
but you are not free from the consequences of the choice."

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

NoDoormat, your DH sounds

NoDoormat, your DH sounds exactly like mine. I have been told I hold grudges too and that I should let it go. Let it go while it IS STILL GOING ON for petes sake. It's not like anything has stopped - the RA is alive and well. I am sure DH thinks that after he returns from his 2 week vacation that I will have "made up" with SD while he was gone. Fat freaking chance. Contacting her is the last thing on my mind. If the world was ending tomorrow I wouldn't call her!

You also bring up an important point that if DH convinces me (as yours did to you) that SD has changed and tried again only find nothing has changed, disengaging a second time would be far worse than the first time. Why can't DH LET IT GO and let me live my life in peace.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Of course he will hold a

Of course he will hold a grudge, of course the reason for the disengaging will have nothing to do with his daughter or himself, of course she will have made it all up or been too sensitive, or plain just never liked his kids in the first place....................Unless of course her DH has a good hard look at himself and takes responsibility for his part in the breakdown of the relationship between his wife and his daughter. However, if he does not wake up to this, well then at least she will know exactly where she stands and what type of life she can expect going forward if she chooses to stay in the marriage.

Disengaging I think is the last resort for many of us not the first. I am sure it is the only thing we can do to keep our sanity, to regain our health. I also think the impact of disengaging changes the whole dynamic of the marriage and once the dust settles then we can re-assess our lives and make a better more informed decision as to whether we want to stay in this marriage or not. If our husbands' after disengaging never accept they and their daughters played a role in this, if our husbands' continue to put their daughters' ahead of their wives' well, I for one would not want to stay in a marriage where another woman came first, with a husband whose first alligience was to his daughter. Ultimately daughter has babies and then the pecking order becomes daughter, and by default daughter's husband, then grandchildren, and by then he is too exausted to even notice wife who is only there to take care of his needs because he is too flat out taking care of daughter's wants to even have time to take care of his own, that is what wife is for. I think we also bear the brunt of DH's bad temper because he is feeling angry with himself for never being able to truly satisfy daughter and wants to pass that blame onto us. No thanks, I would rather suffer the consequences of disengaging than continue to live a life with a man who treats his daughter as his wife, and his wife as a servant, a servant whom he believes who should also be serving and bowing to his daughter.

Poodle's picture

Brilliant final description

Brilliant final description of this syndrome EBU.

It's nothing personal.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Thx Poodle, I know you've

Thx Poodle, I know you've been there done that too. The things we do for love eh! We'd all have a far better life if we'd saved some of that love for ourselves instead of giving it all away to DH. Smiling

Poodle's picture

((())) Vibes, please get

((())) Vibes, please get protection from physical violence, nothing is worth that.

It's nothing personal.

Poodle's picture

that's a relief to hear and I

that's a relief to hear and I am thinking of you

It's nothing personal.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Hi Vibes, Sorry to hear about

Hi Vibes, Sorry to hear about your DH. It is good you are removing yourself from him and getting a restraining order. These type of men seem to have some kind of mental block about their daughters - as if they are angels from the sky and can do no wrong. Once the SD thinks / knows this they pull their dads around as if they had a ring in their nose LOL. What a visual - made me laugh. This is no laughing matter though and your safety is the most important thing right now. My DH is away for the time being and I am enjoying the break from the craziness. As soon as I started to fight back and stand up for myself he too started losing it. He just changes into this monster that I don't even care to know. His time is running out soon and if he keeps harassing me about SD I will end the marriage. I chose not to live that way anymore. Coming here (everyday) to read helps keep me strong. Sometimes I waver and feel weak but that will be my downfall and I know it. So I keep fighting my inner demons - the nice ones - so I can stay on the best track for me. It is all about me now and it is about TIME! Thanks for posting and keep in touch with us OK?

emotionaly beat up's picture

I am so glad you vibes that

I am so glad you vibes that you have found the courage to take the bull by the horns and remove yourself from this situation. Well done, I wish you a happier, healthier future. Hang in there 20years, you have the support of all of us, you can do whatever it takes to make yourself feel stronger, physically, mentally and emotionally. We all can, we have just been brow beaten so often into believing differently, but deep down we know we are worth far more than these guys tell us we are. We deserve better.