20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

DH almost jumped out of moving car over SD

DH and I were on our way home this evening from a meeting for our BS. DH picked up Easter gifts for the Gkids today. I figured he would deliver them tomorrow during his usual daily visit, but no, he wanted us to stop by after the meeting to SD's house. I have been disengaged for 2 months only and DH thinks that is long enough. He said I am being childish and should just forget everyting and move on. He has admitted to his part about the bad-mouthing with SD about me and feels that enough is enough. I said no, I am not willing to ever to sweep it under the rug anymore. Everything will just go back to the way it was and I will NOT live like that anymore. He just FREAKED out - almost calling me crazy and barely stopped the car and jumped out. I did not yell or over react to any of this conversation in the car just merely stated that I am taking care of myself now and don't want to participate in the games anymore. When he jumped out I calmly stated, "I am not going to beg you to get back in the car". He continued walking and I drove off. It took him around 45 min to walk home. He was at least 15 KM from home. What a doofus. I really feel like our marriage will not last much longer if he is still this passionate about reuniting SD and me but nothing will change. I told him i feel betrayed and humilated by all the stuff that he disclosed to his princess and have lost face. He just doesn't understand how deep that goes. I chose to divorce SD and maintain my marriage, but is seems like DH cannot live with my decision. Has anyone's marriage ever survived such a volatile and irate DH. I mean he was not himself at all. He was yelling and out of control with frustration. We had a lovely weekend but he went to visit SD today and it is back to the same old Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde DH. Once he visits with her he comes back fighting tooth and nail. I am so sad and depressed right now. I never wanted my marriage to end over her and HIS foolish gossiping games. help...

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

And... This is why you were

And... This is why you were right to remain disengaged. Until he can show that he won't always defend SD and himself when she and he were in the wrong, you stay disengaged, which may be for the remainder of your marriage.

You'd be surprised how much better so many of these bioparents would have it if they just learned the golden phrase of 'I'm sorry, how can I fix it?' and the actually try to fix it.

Doubletakex3's picture

Wow. I don't know your full

Wow. I don't know your full story but the fact that your DH is so emotionally attached to YOUR relationship (or lack thereof) with SD is concerning. What's this really about? Control? Does he see himself and SD as one entity (codependent) so rejecting her is rejecting him?

SD is an adult so what the heck matter does it really make (in the grand scheme of things) if you two are buddies, frenemies or acquaintenances? He's taking this WAY too personally, IMHO.

I'm not Mary F'ing Poppins.

LilyBelle's picture

He is totally enmeshed with

He is totally enmeshed with his daughter.... not healthy. Wow.


Drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic? I drink Fanta, so that must mean I'm Fantastic!!

"I am a Bitch-- Beautiful, intelligent, tough, charismatic, and hell no you're not messing with me."

simifan's picture

Wow. That is a bit extreme.

Wow. That is a bit extreme.


A good friend once told me not to dread the future.
One way or another, it would come. The trick was to
meet it with open arms so that when it ran me over,
it wouldn’t break anything.
— Renegade Waya Mayan - Dark-Hunter

unbelieveable's picture

I am so sorry you have to

I am so sorry you have to endure this...this sucks for you. I'd stay disengaged and explain to him that the attitude he comes back with after the visits is why you choose too...I don't know WHAT he put into your steps head but DAMN - you are his WIFE. You live with him full-time...she is there how much?? You and your decisions come first in your home...he can go on his visits but he better come home as a loving husband and if your ears are burning while he's been gone - he better have a good explanation for it - I think they both owe you a huge apology!

emotionaly beat up's picture

If it helps I am 8 months

If it helps I am 8 months into NO SD IN MY HOME EVER AGAIN and for reason similar to your own. I do not for one second think DH was engaging in bad mouthing me with SD, but he by his silence everytime she humilated me was certainly condoning her treatment of me. He has lied to her and made me out to be the bad guy over many, many things, things I only found out about from SD's boyfriend and his sister, so, there is no hope for any relationship with SD especially now, because I NEVER want to see her or hear anything about her ever again. However things slowly, slowly, slowly have improved here and as I said it is now 8 months. The first 3 or 4 months I was pretty sure the marriage would not survive, and to be honest I didn't really care after a while. The more he felt his daughter had been wronged by me, the less I cared if he stayed or went. Funny thing is, as soon as I started caring about this marriage, and starting actually thinking enough is enough, I want him gone............He started to change his tune. SD had her 30th birthday a couple of weeks ago HUGE BIG DEAL TO HER, and as it was on a Sunday I wondered what DH would do about it. Well, he actually did nothing, he did not pick up the phone and ring her, now, he did from work the next day, but I don't really care about that, because the fact is, he did not do it in my prescence, and he made SD wait instead of upsetting me. That is a first for this guy, let me tell you. I had always thought that he did not LOVE his daughter, he was IN LOVE with her and there is a huge difference there, a difference that actually made me feel ill.

So 8 months ago I banned that evil woman from my house, and yes the early part of that was pretty rough, but today, I think even DH is relieved it is all over. Now I cannot guarantee the marriage will survive, he has lost my respect and I still hurt over the way he allowed his children to treat me, my feelings for him have definately changed, but, he shows signs of change in himself for the better on occassions, and I guess that gives me room for hope that we may actually be able to live in peace.

I think the fact that I will never love him the way I once did, the fact that, the special spark that made me love him unconditionally, that made me put him and his needs and WANTS first to the exclusion of my own is sad, but I am glad that the self respect that has filled the void and given me the strength to treat myself with respect has taken its place, because to be honest, loving him more than I loved myself was the real reason I allowed this to go on for 8 years. I am much happier now that I actually have some self respect.

I am so very, very sorry you are going through this, it is horrible, and it is so tough in every way, physically it takes its toll, and emotionally well, the depression that an set in is awful. But, you do have to ask yourself, is a husband that puts his daughter before you worth getting depressed over, is losing a marriage to a man who puts another woman all be it his daughter first worth getting depressed over, and the only answer is NO. If you lose a marriage to a man who thinks his daughter comes first, especially and adult daughter, really it is no great loss, in fact it is a blessing in disguise. If however you stand your ground and you are right to do so, and things turn around, well then at least you have a marriage that stands a chance because it means your husband is actually starting to see you are also a person with feelings, and that he needs to take care of you, not just his daughter. I sincerely wish you all the best. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing.

just.tired's picture

Emtionally beat up, once

Emtionally beat up, once again, so well said!
You express yourself so eloquently and offer such genuine support.

sandye21's picture

Wow, EBU!!! You are so right

Wow, EBU!!! You are so right when you say, "If however you stand your ground and you are right to do so, and things turn around, well then at least you have a marriage that stands a chance because it means your husband is actually starting to see you are also a person with feelings, and that he needs to take care of you, not just his daughter." This has been my expereince also. I am so tahnkful I have finally gained enough self-respect to set limits.

Dori's picture

EBU- Bravo ! Your advice and

EBU- Bravo ! Your advice and canter is spot on.

Your comment " I had always thought that he did not LOVE his daughter, he was IN LOVE with her and there is a huge difference there, a difference that actually made me feel ill." Hit me like a ton of bricks. I have said that many times about my DH and SD, and felt the same as you regarding it. As though you are the other woman or something, not the wife.

Thank you for your post! You helped me too !

As for DH almost jumping out of the moving car. My DH can be the same and it's always over SD. Sometimes I have no clue WHAT it is about. Just talks with her and Boom. When I don't just go with the whatever attitude he can get that way, too. Stand your ground, you deserve to be treated far better than that. I am really sorry that you are dealing with all this. I know how awful that feels.

steprabbit's picture

I have experienced the same

I have experienced the same thing. I wonder if it is just the youngest daughter that is fawned over and can do no wrong. In my situation, SD20 has stolen and ran up a credit card and lied to us about it. But somehow the whole thing is turned around by her and DH feels like its his fault. Thank goodness she's at her mothers house I agree abou disengaging. You have to take care of yourself first. Maybe if they would act like adults then you might be more willing to restart the relationship. Two words that are rarely said be steps but expected of stepmoms........I'm Sorry


Miss-Step's picture

After this past Easter I

After this past Easter I sincerely want to disengage permantly from SD27 too. While I have limited contact with her now, DH doesn't get it. He just has the same feelings as DH, I just need to move on, get over it, etc. (my DH doesn't rant - he does the 'remain silent, brush it under the rug' thing.

WHY? Because it is his daughter? Some relationships just don't work. (I don't feel that way totally about other 2 Skids.)

I give you kudos for calmly holding your ground. He needed to walk home and cool his head. I hope I have your courage to the next time he forces the 'family-get-to-gethers' -- to remain my ground.

Your DH is frustrated because he can't fix it. Maybe you should just tell him, "Look, SD and my relationship is broken because of these REASONS (which it sounds like you tried to tell him already). It is a deep wound that can't be healed quickly. And you pushing the issue doesn't help. I am married to you. Your daughter doesn't like me. Why would I want to be around someone who is disrespectful. I wouldn't hang with any person who treated me bad. What makes your SD different?" I'm giving myself advice here too. Hang in there. And point out the next time he has attitude from visiting SD - You don't have to take this treatment from him either.

Poodle's picture

My DH is experiencing this

My DH is experiencing this sort of rage at the moment but is not expressing it. I have been very interested in the responses of the posters who say their marriages have got heyond this enraged acrimonious stage and they have managed to salvage something. I've looked at your profile and even your name shows you have had a very long, happy marriage so this is simply a short portion of it for the moment. It seems to be related to the grandchildren. I wonder, are these his only grandchildren? If so, then this period must I guess relate to a specific development in his identity that comes when one is of elder generation like us, especially if one's own parents are waning or dead. This is when one is a kind of ancestor-in-waiting I suppose. Thus, there is a heck of a lot at stake for him. Maybe counselling for how he can enjoy this great new extension of his identity without feeling threatened by the fact that you are not at his side developing with him in the same direction? Must be very lonely for him. So as to learn not to hold this against you he may need to go through this sort of therapeutic work alone and it not be a couples thing -- I don't know -- I don't know enough about couples therapy myself.
As for what you did, I thought it was really right and good on you, painful though it was for you.

It's nothing personal.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Yes, these are his only

Yes, these are his only grandchildren. But the oldest one is 9 so it is not really new to DH. Not sure what triggered the major shift but it is awful and almost unbearable. It sucks to be me right now.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

More to this... today DH made

More to this... today DH made a feeble attempt to talk to me. I was basically just carrying on with life and not starting anything with DH. I told him it is too bad we can't speak about SD since he loses his head and turns into a raging lunatic. Well of course he took that as a challenge and tried to talk. He did storm off twice, but came back. That is a huge step for him. Usually once he stomps off, that's it for him. Anyway, I held my ground and said nothing has changed and nothing will change if I just go back and re-engage with SD. He was so frustrated he said he can't live this way - SHE'S OUR DAUGHTER - how can you just write her off? I said, she is not my daughter because my daughter would never treat me that way. That is a great line I learned here by the way, thank you to whoever pointed that out. AFter a bit more bantering like this with him stating that if I don't re-engage he hinted that we might as well part ways. So, I said, "do you want to know what i am hearing? I heard you say that OUR relationship or more specifically mine and SD means more than our marriage, is that what you just said?" He didn't know what to say since I put it into such a black and white statement, with no ambiguity. Shortly after this statement he literally burst into tears and started crying. OMG. He is not a crier, believe me. It was such a shock I just didn't know what to do or say. Usually if I cry, and believe me I have cried a huge river in the past few years, he does nothing so I did nothing too. He stopped crying after a few minutes and calmed down. We are in huge trouble if he is threatening divorce over his princess and gkids. I am not giving in though, if he wants a divorce over this - so be it.

sandye21's picture

20year, I went through this

20year, I went through this two months after I married. I had been away on business (left just after our wedding) for two solid months and had a weekend off. SD was staying at my house at that time and would not give us 15 minutes alone. When she finally DID give us a couple of minutes, shortly before I returned to the job, DH became angry and would not sit alone with me for 10 minutes. Then he cried and went on about poor, poor SD. I went back to the job to continue working until the job was final. When I returned home I SHOULD have given DH the choice to either act like a husband or end the marraige. Instead I sucked it all in and put up with nothing short of emotional abuse for over 20 years. DH has threatened to leave on the average of every 6 months, pulled tanrums, used every bit of immature manipulating that he can think of. The longer you put up with this the harder it is to stop it. Another thing - even though I believe DH should not be prevented from seeing his Daughter, every day is obsurd. EBU is so right - it is not worth it to be married to someone who treats his Daughter like his wife. You deserve more respect than that. And really, isn't marriage about mutual cooperation? Your DH has to learn that giving has to go both directions because the relationship will not survive or your self-respect will be sacrificed.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Oh you bet she's involved

Oh you bet she's involved somehow. They are both trying to minimize it all and say it is all just minor nothings that I shouldn't be dwelling on. I am exaggerating and a little paranoid too LOL. Such text book manipulating. Thank goodness I read the article on RA since it made everything so clear to me. Once I disengaged the fun was taken away from SD. DH insists he doesn't engage in gossip about me with her anymore but he still goes there everyday and I just don't believe him anymore.

anafiodorova's picture

Listen to emotionally beaten

Listen to emotionally beaten up she gave me excellent advice in a similar situation. Your self - worth and self - respect come first.If someone know why men react in such irrational way over their daughters I would really like to know.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Anifiodorova, the men who

Anifiodorova, the men who react this way over their daughters don't even seem to know there is anything wrong with it and are stuffed as to why wives have a problem with it. So if they have no explanation or understanding of their behaviour, I don't think any of us have the answer either. I am settling for WEIRD to be nice because my other thoughts about their inappropriate behaviour and abnormal relationships they have with their daughters is not nice I can tell you.

20YEARS A STEPMOM. He really is trying to push your buttons isn't he. Threatening divorce if you don't give in and "love" his daughter well Smiling to quote him "OUR" daughter Smiling and crying. Something is going on here isn't it. Stepdaughter must be so keen to get you to cave in she is putting pressure on daddy and he is not coping too well with it. Oh well, guess he needs to work out how father daughter relationships work and start acting like a parent, like a father to his daughter and not a friend, a lover, a husband or her child for that matter, she does not or should not get to tell him how it will be. Fathers do not go around and visit their adult daughters every day, well normal father's don't anyway. I hate to think what madam is saying and doing I am sure the tears are flowing in that house as she points out all the ways in which she is a victim here and how she has lost him to you and he cares more about you than her and his grandkids and guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. Must be driving him mad. Perhaps he should stop going round there everday to pick up his dose of guilt.

I suspect he does not want a divorce he is just getting desperate to keep his daughter happy and if you cave in to her then she wins and if she wins she is happy and if she is happy daddy is happy, and if only you would do the right thing here and let SD have everything her own way, then everyone would be happy, see YOU really are the problem here arent' you. It's all your fault, I know this because one day, well one night actually when we were screaming at each other over the evil one he actually said to me, if you would just shut up and put up with her crap like I do and say nothing then we wouldn't have a problem, why can't you just let her say whatever she likes............See, it was all MY fault, I expected his daughter to treat her father and myself with respect (as she was treated) and he thought I had a hard neck expecting that from her and I should just shut up and let her say and do whatever she liked in my home. Yeah right I'll do that as soon as hell freezes over.

They really do see it as US we don't put up with the crap that they put up with from their daughters so therefore we are the ones causing the trouble and the daughters tell them that we are the ones causing the trouble because they point out things like, remember dad when she said don't yell at your father like that, she had no right to say that to me dad, she is not my mother....Dad, thinks (rightly so) you are right precious daughter it really wasn't her place to say that, I can see why you would be upset. Unfortunatley, dad completly ignores what SD did to cause that to be said, he just sees what his daughter is complaining about, SM overstepped the mark and told his daughter off, which upset his daughter.

So SD was not wrong for coming into our home and paying out big time on daddy because she wanted something from him NOW right this minute, and instead of asking nicely demanded at the top of her voice I want xyz and you need to give me this because I am your daughter and you owe it to me, I had to pay off my car by myself (we gave her $3,500 towards it), you should have bought me that car and you didn't because of her,and blah blah blah. Nope, nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with never getting a thank you for the $3.5K she was entitled to that I was wrong for expecting a thank you.

These girls have got them so twisted around their little fingers that they don't know if they are Arthur or Martha anymore their little brains have been taken over by daughters mouth and until daddy sees what is going on it will never change. Daddy will never see what is going on until he stands to lose something, his wife. When he realises that he will have to actually sacrifice something himself to make his daughter happy, when he has to sacrifice his home and his wife well then things will change, because the truth is, these guys cannot cope with trying to make SD happy all by theselves they need their wives onside. Once we go off side well it is all too hard for them then.

To be honest if a man leaves his wife for his daughter then the wife is better off without him because the cold hard facts are he has chosen to love another above his wife, and no one deserves to be second best to another woman in her marriage, even if that woman is a daughter. Leaving or being left is hard, living with man who loves someone more than he loves you is even harder. We deserve better and as soon as we find the self respect that we allowed them to erode from us over the years, the sooner we will be a lot happier in our lives.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thank you Emotionally Beat

Thank you Emotionally Beat Up! You are so right and your posts show me how I really NEED to stand my ground now more than ever. We are at a major crossroad and DH needs to see just how serious this problem really is. His breakdown yesterday was a clear example of just how stressed SD must be making him. He didn't see her for 5 days due to us going away for a few days and he was lovely and pleasant. The very first day he was back he went to SD's and he lost all control. I hope we survive this but it really is up to DH. I don't honestly believe he would divorce me over this, but as I said above, I am not playing 2nd fiddle any more. He is free to leave (and go live with his mini-wife) if he wishes. I often wonder what SD's DH must think of all this.

Poodle's picture

God can you imagine what he

God can you imagine what he puts up with!!! Eye-wink

It's nothing personal.

NoDoormat's picture

Yes - My DH had this issue...

Yes - My DH had this issue... YES, you can stay married, but your DH must decide that he is MARRIED TO YOU, not her. I have posted this many times before.... sorry to say it again:

It really helped when we went to counseling... (several different ones I might add) and all of them pretty much said the same thing... but the one that hit the home run was the one that looked at my DH and asked him, 'WHO ARE YOU MARRIED TO NODOORMAT or YOUR DAUGHTER?? IF YOU CAN'T DECIDE YOU WILL END UP DIVORCED AGAIN VERY SOON!'

There is a hierarchy IMO:
Family, work, etc.

When you are MARRIED, that is when TWO BECOME ONE. Your spouse is supposed to consider you and himself the SAME ... team mates... partners in life... UNITED.

When you are married, you are OTHER CENTERED.... meaning, you take YOUR PARTNER INTO CONSIDERATION BEFORE YOU TAKE YOURSELF, YOUR NEEDS, YOUR WANTS... and certainly not another person - whether that person is related or not.

At least that's what our marriage counseling said... the books I've read (including the bible).

Life is all about choices and consequences...
"You are free to make whatever choice you want,
but you are not free from the consequences of the choice."

LilyBelle's picture




Drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic? I drink Fanta, so that must mean I'm Fantastic!!

"I am a Bitch-- Beautiful, intelligent, tough, charismatic, and hell no you're not messing with me."

emotionaly beat up's picture

I agree you absolutely can

I agree you absolutely can stay married if that is what both of you want to do. But I notice a familiar ring in your post, when DH does not see or hear from SD he is a happier more plesant person. The minute contact takes place, out comes Mr Hyde. My God how many times I lived that life. When I first told SD no more, I could tell every time my husband came home front work if he had spoken to her on the telephone that day because he would come in in a foul mood. At first I was just surmising that, but after a while I started to check his phone evertime he came home in one of those moods, and sure enough, he had spoken to her that day. Once I had confirmed my suspicions the very next time he came home in that mood I told him, look, clearly you are miserable here, and I do not want you to be miserable, and more importantly (and I stressed the more importantly), I do not want to live with a miserable and unhappy person. If coming home to me makes you so unhappy and bad tempered please do not come, you have other places you can go to live, you do not need to be here. He tried hard after that to hide the moods but it was still obvious he was having contact. After about 3/4 months the contact dropped off and just like magic so did the moods.

I really do not what these daughters say to them, but they do make them feel guilty, however our DH's have to make a choice to live with SD or us if SD has decided that is the way it has to be. I think most of us as SM's went into it trying to get on with the SK, in most cases if not all it was and is the SK who did not want to form a relationship with the SM and instead of DH working on that and helping his kids come to terms with the new relationship in his life, they just decided that every time SD was unhappy SM SHOULD DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT, and instead of teaching SD gently and lovingly that things have changed this is my wife, I love her and if you love me you will respect that. DH could easily have explained to SD, look I cannot give you the things I once did not because of SM, but because my financial circumstances have changed now, what I once had with your mother 100% has now been split 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever, and I have to start all over again, this is MY choice and I have to do the best I can, but that unfortunately means that I cannot give you the things I used to. EASY, no need to mention SM or the new marriage, we should never have been brought into it, and SK's should never have been allowed to think it had anything to do with us. DH should have protected us from that, not thrown us under the bus, let their kids think because of SM I cannot give you everything your greedy little self centred self wants, but if I could I would, I want to, but now SM is on the scene she wouldn't like it. They blamed us and protected themselves with lies. Sooner or later the Karma bus comes around and collects them, it hit my DH 8 months ago, and is running over yours now. Let it be, it is not your place to try and steer the bus away from him. You just let that bus sort him out and you sort yourself out.

I honestly think your situation is so much like mine that he will eventually have to concede that he cannot have the two of you in his life because of what he has done. He will choose you, and that is what needs to happen, HE NEEDS TO MAKE A CHOICE. SD then has to come to terms with his choice. She can live with it, or she can leave it, but she cannot have daddy as her husband. You, thankfully have come to your senses and realised this is not right and you have made a choice not to accept being second best anymore. Rightly so. WELL DONE Smiling It takes courage, and the road is tough for a while, but it is worth it.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Bingo. Do we all have the

Bingo. Do we all have the same SD LOL? Eye-wink

Poodle's picture

Now Jeff Goldblum

Now Jeff Goldblum disappearing my OSD, THAT would be killing 2 birds with one stone... Cool

It's nothing personal.

steprabbit's picture

Ditto for me too

Ditto for me too


Poodle's picture

How wise you are EBU, I have

How wise you are EBU, I have learned a lot from your words.

It's nothing personal.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Thanks Poodle, if I have been

Thanks Poodle, if I have been able to help you in anyway I am very happy with that. I didn't find this site till after I had gone through it all and finally banned SD. About three weeks later while working on the computer I googled "I hate my SD" and up popped Steptalk. Even though the deed had been done this site helped me to validate what I had done. It showed me it was NOT ALL MY FAULT and it gave me the courage to stand my ground and stick to my decision. If I can pass that support forward and help someone else then that to me is what life is about.

It truly is a hard road, but having travelled it for so long, I find it almost (not quite, but almost) laughable to think that we cause ourselves so much grief for so long, because as women we "hang in there" we by nature want things to work out, we want to nurture and we "LOVE" our husbands unconditinally, we are so "IN LOVE" with them we do not see we are not being loved back, because love is not about protecting yourself to the detrement of your partner, love is not about sitting back and allowing your children to hurt humilate and isolate your partner, love is not about you being the good guy with your kids and letting your wife take the blame for things she doesn't even know about let alone has done.

I think 20yearsastepmom has a DH who like mine has caused irrepairable damage by his lies and by his little one on one chats about SM with his daughter. If he has been bad mouthing her with his daughter or agreeing with his daughter when she bad mouths her, then his pride will never let him tell his daughter, look I made all that up and agreed with you just to shut you up and keep you happy, it's not true, I love my wife and she is the woman I want to be with, so he will eventually walk away from the mess he created, and he will go to where his bread is buttered to his wife. Best he make his move toward his wife fast, because after a while we are more than ready to let them go, if he waits too long, she may not want him.

I think it gets better when we realise the role we played in it all, when we accept, WE put up with it, WE allowed them all to do this to us. Once we realise we did that, we can then go about changing it. Ahh, the things we do for love Smiling In my case fortunately it has made me a better, stronger wiser person, it has given me a sense of self worth and self respect. I am now in a place where I have never been in my life before, I actually see myself as good as anyone else, not perfect, I make mistakes sure, but I certainly do not deserve to be constantly humilated and ignored by anyone, especially in my own home, and if I had a husband who thought I did, well, then I would be the idiot for keeping him. Never will I go back there again I have finally learnt to be assertive without being aggressive and confrontational, and that is a good thing.

sandye21's picture

"WE put up with it, WE

"WE put up with it, WE allowed them all to do this to us." EBU, this is something that is painful to admit but still - it is true. I can blame DH for doing the things your DH did, and I can blame SD for being so hateful for so long but 'I' put up with it. I allowed them to do it. I have to take part of the responsibility. I was afraid to take the risk of putting the marriage in jeopardy to save my self-respect. Finally I found the courage, and am thankful every day for it. My DH's brother recently came to visit and started to get a bit demanding, "Spoon!", instead of asking, "May I have a spoon?" I did not have to say anything or get upset. I simply looked at my husband and brother-in-law's girlfriend, signaled for them to help him, and walked away. Bro-in-law changed his approach immediately. I have found that setting limits does not have to be emotionally taxing or confrontational - you just do it as soon as the need arises instead of holding back and hoping someone sees the light. The longer you wait the situation gets more tense by the minute. I only wish I had pulled DH and SD aside shortly after we got married and told them what I would and would not put up with. I have been disengaged like you for over a year now. I have no more battles with or about SD, and life is so much better I have no plans of re-engaging. But I continue to visit this site because it gives me the incentive to stand firm, not to revert back to the woman who sacrificed her dignity to 'hang in there' with people who would not respect her. Yes, it IS a good thing.

Poodle's picture

(No subject)


It's nothing personal.