need help with stepfather
My 20 year old son does not have a good realtionship with his stepfather. My husband has shut down communication with him because he feels that my son doesn't follow the rules so he stops talking to him. My son is hurt and angry and I can't get the 2 of them to get along. This is affecting the marriage. What can I do??
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He sometimes forgets to lock
He sometimes forgets to lock the door, or the tv is turned up to loud, or he leaves his glass on the coffee table. My husband says it's death by a thousand cuts. I think my husband feels he has done enough for him and wants my exhusband to take him but he lives out of town and that wouldn't work.
are yo guilty parenting? for
are yo guilty parenting? for example letting things slide because you fee bad that he isnt around his father all the time, ignoring bad behavior, making excuses like he is only a teenager, or he is just a guy?
If you are doing that stop.
Listen to your husband about his parenting ideas and enforce rules, and expectations on your son.
If you dont always see eye to eye with your husband that is fine, but never call him out in front of your son and never undermined him in front of your son. Most of us are here because our other halves dont respect us and they are disrespectful to us in front of their children.
That's ture - there is guilt.
That's ture - there is guilt. My son told me today I would throw him and his older sister under the bus if my husband told me too! How hurtful is that! I get after my son but it's so hard to hear my husband constantly complain about him. My son has made stupid mistakes - getting kicked out of private school for drugs - that my husband paid for! That was 3 years ago and I think my husband is resentful still. My son tries to talk to my husband and he will answer in short sentences and then ignore him. I hate it!! I do respect what my husband says but I always feel I have to choose between them.
Personally after reading that
Personally after reading that your son is 20 he needs to get out on his own. I am 21 with a full time job, about to marry and have 2 step daughters. Your son needs to wake up. You have nothing to feel guilty about they are now adults and need to act like it. I know that it has to be hard but he is an adult.
Can you be my stepdaughter?
Can you be my stepdaughter? :). She's 20 and told her dad he still owed her mom support because she can't support herself (SD cant) in the lifestyle she wants.
I'm 45 and can't have the lifestyle I want either!
I said whatever she ages out of support at 21- she's doing nothing to make it so she can support herself.
I like your thinking though!
That is my main issues with
That is my main issues with the way our system works. It should end at 18 just like parent responsibilities end when their kid is 18, when you are an adult when you burn your bridges you have to fend for your self. None of this 21 or finish college crap, join the military if you need college and a job.
Ommy A MAN sister! I was 19
Ommy A MAN sister! I was 19 when my son was born and i as married with 2 kids and divorced and the only time I lived with my parents was when my ex left me and I was waiting for my apt to be ready which was only 3 months.
I couldn't live with people ever I was/am too independent. But you are right by the time i was his age I had 2 kids and was living on my own and in school with a job!!!!
Getting kicked out of school
Getting kicked out of school for drugs is not a stupid mistake...changing the radio in the car and having a fender bender is a stupid mistake...Sorry, but although I can sympathize with you, sounds like to you these are just "mistakes"...sorry, I didn't make those mistakes...sorry, my brother didn't make those mistakes, sorry my sister didn't make those mistakes...if we ever dared "DO THAT", because it really isn't a MISTAKE, my dad would have kicked our ass...period. I have a feeling that neither your son nor you have trully apologized for any of the things he has done, but instead have just said "it was a stupid mistake". Maybe the day that he stops making "stupid mistakes" and you stop calling them "stupid mistakes", will be the day your husband can have a relationship with him.
I think you're right. My
I think you're right. My husband just wants him out and everything will continue to annoy him. I have 2 younger children with my husband so I am a stay at home mom. My son has about 3 years left of school. My husband keeps asking - how long do I have to keep doing this. I never realized stepfamilies were so hard!
I have offered many times to
I have offered many times to go back to work but my husband says it would cost more to put the kids in daycare and it would not make a lot of diffence financially. I know my husband wants to feel appreciated and my son has thanked him but their personalities are so different and I don't know how to have them live together without so much resentment!
Tried counseling, don't drink
Tried counseling, don't drink - maybe effexor!
Thanks for the advice.
Why is he living at home at
Why is he living at home at age 20? Is there a reason? I'm not being a bitch just curious.
I made him move out about a
I made him move out about a year ago and he was such a disaster. He was sick all the time, had lost a lot of weight and could hardly function. We took him back him but with a list of rules and now a year later things are crappy again. I feel like I'm always threatening to kick him out and I feel so heartless! All his friends live at home and because he comes from a divorced family it seems unfair that he has to move.
serena77 He will never be
serena77 He will never be able to survive if you keep taking him back instead os letting him support himself. Just b/c he is from a broken home and all his friends stay at home doesn't mean it is right. I don;t give to shits what my kids friends do or their parents for that matter. I make mine learn how to take care of themselves b/c I will not always be there and want to know i raised them to be adults and take care of themselves and their future families. All his friends parenrs are doing is SPOILING their kids!
You should really think about what he would if you were there. YOu can't hold his hand til he is 60 mom.
I was wondering the same
I was wondering the same thing? Why is your 20 year old still living at home? Is he is school? That would be the ONLY reason my kid would still be living with me. Sorry but if he has a job like you said and not in school he CAN come in with people and live like roommates. Sorry but he needs to learn how to take care of himself before he gets married or have kids. Just my opinion.
I made him move out about a
I made him move out about a year ago and he was such a disaster. He was sick all the time, had lost a lot of weight and could hardly function.
++++++++++++++++++++
WOW. That was superb manipulation on your son’s part. How old are your other kids? Have you and DH discussed when your son has to move out, or is he just supposed to live with you for ever…?
My thoughts exactly!!! The
My thoughts exactly!!! The OP is choosing her adult son over her her husband and small children. From what you told us, your DH HAS a right to be resentful that the things he has done for SS20 have been either thrown away (kicked out of school) or have not been acknowledged in a way that HE feels is appropriate.
Your choice but if your DH Gets fed up and walks, you not only lose your husband but also the father of your young kids. Is this one adult child worth that????
Try searching for a job that
Try searching for a job that you can do from home. They are out there. Just make sure to research thoroughly so you don't get taken.
My son is 23 and lives at
My son is 23 and lives at home. He is in the military and has a full time job. He is trying to save so he can get out of our house but these days, living on your own isn't that easy anymore. Rents are out of control. A 1 bedroom apartment is well up in the $1000.00 range. Plus his car, insurance, gas, lunch, he can barely make ends meet. He pitches in for groceries and that's it. I don't even go near his room it's so disgusting, I can't wait for him to leave though. I tell him he needs to find a roommate and get out, but most of his friends are Army buddies that are all married. Only thing working for us is that we all get along, DH, my kids, me & DHs kids, if not, I can't even imagine what a nightmare it would be. Tomorrow is his day off and I told him he is not allowed out of the house until he completely cleans that dungeon. At least he listens, on occasion. As far as your kid goes, if he works and goes to school and pays rent, I don't see what's the issue of him being home. As long as DH and he don't disrespect one another of course.
Well my 2 oldest went off to
Well my 2 oldest went off to college at ages 17 and 18 respectively, and between the two of them they only have ONE friend who lives at home- a friend of my daughters's who had a baby senoir year. And SHE goes to school and works part time at a sub shop, and has since her baby was 3mo. Even thier friends who stayed in town for college live on campus or in apartments! Is it possible for him to live on campus? Then you could buy him a meal plan and call it a day. Why do all his friends live at home? And these kids who I'm talking about come from all different backrounds- our city has a 75% divorce rate! I don't agree with the way your husband is handling it and I wouldn't let anyone treat my kids that way, but dang, we're talking about another adult here Mom. You need to push him out of the nest.
Oh and one more thing you are
Oh and one more thing you are letting the knowledge of him being from a broken home to become his crutch b/c you are allowing it to happen. If it were me I'd tell him that that is all the more reason to work harder and not let something like that define his entire life.
just like my son has autism I refuse to let him use that as an excuse to do poorly on ANYTHING let alone know how to take care of himself it just means he may do it differently is all.
Hi Serena...ok...your son is
Hi Serena...ok...your son is 20. He does need to start pitching in or he needs to ship out. I think your DH is trying to make a man out of this guy and you seem to think that it is not a good thing.
My SD is now 19 and I am the step mom. So I can see both of your sides as I deal with a guilty daddy.
Step parents get a really bad rap for doing the things that the bio parents will not do. In your case, you expressed some guilt, so you think the rent and him helping out is unfair. It does not matter what his friends get. This is yours and Dhs house. DH gets a say in what happens too, since his SS is under his roof.
You also said that biodad does nothing. We are in the same boat in our house. Biomom is a deatbeat and pays nothing.
As a step parent it is very unfair to assume that we are going to pick up the tab for a kid that our spouse had with someone else. As a stepparent, I still expect that BM pitch in. For me, I never agreed to just take her kid and raise her and pay it all. I am thinking your DH may feel the same.
I know that on this site it is impossible to give every little detail and all the background. I am sure that your DH is feeling that enough is enough. I am really at this stage w/my SD who wants all the adult things but cannot seem to work for them.
I really encourage you to try and see your DHs side. Kids that are provided it all and see their parent taking their side are going to continue to ruin your marriage. I think your son would be best to stick to the rules and find out what life is about.
P.S.- Perfectson22 was also
P.S.- Perfectson22 was also sick CONSTANTLY his first year of college, he and his roomies literally were cultivating mold in the kitchen and baths. All I could do is go to his college town once every 6 weeks or so with a bucket of cleaning stuff and a gallon of bleach and do the best I could! lol All our friends and family thought THAT was coddling!
By the way, were you a stay
By the way, were you a stay at home mom while he was growing up? Because if you were, I'd kick his A$$ to the curb. Fact is that I can see how your husband would want you with HIS and YOUR kids at home...and the thought of you getting a job, to support your ADULT son, so that he doesn't have to do anything, can't even be considerate enough to pick up a glass, is pretty sad. He's taking advantage of you and he's actually pretty darn spoiled.
No, he's not having to move out because his parents are divorced. There are MANY kids who move out at 18-19-20...and many who support themselves, go to school and help around the house if they are still living at home. It seems he's so selfish that he would rather your bio kids lose his dad, you lose your husband so he can sit on his behind after everything your DH has done for him, ie. pay for a private school which not most in the US can afford...