I really want to go to my stepdaughters parentsevening but my sd does not want me to go??
I am a stepmum of two children. I have been with their dad for 5,5 years now and have lived with him for 3,5 years. I have slowly tried to get more involved in their lives. But because they are on the aspergers line I have found it hard to get any reaction or connnection back at times especially with my 11 year old stepdaughter. I have an issue now, her dad has decided he does not want to go to parentsevening together anymore with the bm. ( he has done so for the last 7 years ). So he asked me if I wanted to go. I said I would like that as this would help me to meet some of her teachers, so I know who my sd was talking about.I did nor realise that he texted the bm this without discussing with me how to handle the situation. His ex phoned up really angry, because she thought I was going to sit next to them and did not realise that he wanted to go seperate. My partner did not allow her much talking time and stopped the conversation on the phone fairly soon. Apparently afterwards she talked to her daughter who then texted us to say she did not want me to go.
I have talked to her since but she remains adement that this is her opinion. I find it really difficult what to do know as I would really like to get involved a bit more and support her dad . I explained all the reasons but she could not see the other side at all.My children are really happy for my partner to come to their parents evening and it has never been an issue. Their dad goes another time. I thought most people that are divorced go seperate or am I in the wrong here?? My has talked to her as well. I don t know if I should go know. We have already decided that if we go we will go on a different night.
Should I text his ex and apologise for his way he handled this?
I need some guidance here ....
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Is this something like a
Is this something like a parent-teacher conference where the parents meet with the teachers to discuss how the child is doing in school, or is this something that the children attend with the parents?
Yes it is a parent teacher
Yes it is a parent teacher conference, the child is not there!
sounds like this "parent's
sounds like this "parent's night" is more about pretending to be an intact family to bm and sd. i would throw a hissy if my dh went to an event i wasn't allowed to attend and then sit by his ex wife. if you and he do not want to push the issue of you going, then he either doesn't go in solidarity to you or he goes on a different night WITHOUT bm. your dh need to nip this rose-colored bullcrap in the bud. you are his wife and if bm doesn't accept that the two of you are as one, that's her tuff shit. but if he's tip-toeing around, not wanting to "upset" bm and sd, you have bigger problems. good luck hon.
Don't you think you are
Don't you think you are projecting? It doesn't seem like op has a bad relationship with sd's mother. And she thinks her dh could have handled it better. Calm down!
If the child isn't going to
If the child isn't going to be there & your DH's ex isn't going to be there, go! The child is a child. She doesn't get to decide where you are & are not allowed to go.
Make an appointment separate from the ex's & go with your DH. He doesn't owe her any reason or explanation for why. He can simply tell her, I'll arrange to meet with the teachers as it suits my schedule. You meet with them as it suits yours. There's no reason for him to tell anyone whether or not you'll be there with him.
ETA: You do NOT owe his ex an apology for anything HE did. He's a big boy. He can decide how to handle that part of it.
Not your kid, no need for you
Not your kid, no need for you to go. If the kid wanted you to go fine, but there is a mom and a dad in this situation that should go. Don't put yourself out there on this type of stuff and BM won't have any reason to attack.
I agree that if OP didn't
I agree that if OP didn't have any interest or desire to go, there would be no obligation. However, if her DH would like to have her there & she wants to be there, the kid won't be present nor will BM, what's the harm in her attending alongside her husband?
BM isn't getting pushed out for anything. She won't be missing anything, as she'll have the opportunity to meet with the teachers at her own appointment.
OP wants to be involved & her DH wants her support. How can that be bad for the child?
I don't think it's fair to make OP sit back for the sake of keeping BM from getting her panties in a ruffle. I've been there. It sucks. It won't happen again.
The husband doesn't want to
The husband doesn't want to go, he wants her to go instead. He doesn't want to deal with BM. THat is lazy and he had a child with her, he needs to figure out how to deal with her in the best possible way. Not push it off on SM. If he was going, I would understand if the kid said it was okay. But, the kid doesn't want her there. Enough said...Up to the kid....
Why should she go? They are not her kids. They are the BM and the DH. This is intrusive and overstepping if the kid doesn't want her involved. There are better ways to bond with the kid. Don't make the school a battle ground. This is one of those things that makes SM's look bad.
I do not go to anything school related unless SS asks me. He has a mom and a dad to do these things with.
I re-read it & see how it can
I re-read it & see how it can be interpreted both ways, but I don't see where it states he would not attend. Maybe I'm overlooking something. I guess this is where the OP should step in to clarify.
If their dad isn't attending, my opinion changes.
But the part you didn't
But the part you didn't copy/paste that goes right in the middle of what you did paste is:
"to parentsevening together anymore with the bm."
I took that to mean he doesn't want to go with the BM & asked OP to go with him instead.
What benefit is there for you
What benefit is there for you going to the P/T conference? To represent your DH? It is unlikely unless the school has express permission from your DH that they can even discuss your SDs education with you.
Also either your SD has decided or her mother has decided that you being there to represent your husband is unneccessary.
As much as it hurts you and you feel shunted into the 'just the stepmother' role just step back and don't go alone.
And the next time either one of them want you to help SD out with something 'schooly' like a permission slip you can tell her 'sorry, I aren't able to sign off on your trip, not my job." Also i would say the same thing if BM wants you to pick SD up from school. "Oh, so I am good enough to be your cab service but not good enough for a P/T conference. Got it!"
Thanks for all your
Thanks for all your comments.I must have been quite unclear. First time I have written on this blog. My partner the bd from my sd wants me to go with him. Not for me to go alone. He is very comitted( how do you write that ? ) to his kids!
We have decided to go together, but another time and my sd is ok with this!