I'm new here and so glad that I found this site. I am the step mother of a 16 year old girl. I have been in her life as Dad's girlfriend since she was 3 and known her her whole life and been SM for 7 years. I also have a 6 year old girl with my husband.
I am at my wits end. I am the most unhappiest person inside.
To give the short story to our past.

We had a lot of problems with her BM (she has mental issues) she didn't acknowledge that my DH had left their 1 year relationship until 8 years after the fact when we had married and were pregnant. This meant 7 years of living with the stress of someone harrassing every single thing you did. She tried to get me fired (as DH and I worked together) she drove 2 hours to stalk me every weekend for almost a year. She would go to my sisters house and cause fights. She told so many terrible stories to SD that I was going to poision SD like in the fairy tale, and discussed everything with SD like you would an adult friend. BM bought sold and grew dope in her house with SD there (we called and had her raided when we found out) I called every night from work at 7 pm and talked to SD till 8:30 when i had gotten her to brush teeth, and get jammies, told her a story and sent kisses through the phone. Days i worked and SD had no school and BM didn't want her (BM never worked) SD came to work with DH and I. I gave my entire life to SD. During this time i was diagnosed with cervical cancer, very mild but it took so much out of me. We kept this from SD as she was to young and it was not life threatening. I firmly believe not dwelling on illness things and keeping positive helps with recovery so I downplayed this to everyone many i never told till after the fact if it came up.

The huge issues began the winter of 2004. DH and I got married finally, we had planned, booked and paid for 3 weddings previous to have to cancel as SD was not allowed to attend. I had to have her there as she was MY girl. We were very close. It was very important to me. So we were sneaky and said nothing to SD or BM. SD came for her weekend visit and we got up the Saturday and said we are getting married today. Well you can guess how that went over. BM then went ballastic. How dare DH marry the person he has been with for 7 years. She was told over the phone by SD and couldn't drive to get SD as there was a terrible snow storm. I also had rushed this wedding date as we had discovered we were pregnant. This was a miracle for us as we had been trying for 3 years and were giving up as it was believed my treatments and of course the cancer has ruined all chances. For christmas 2004 we surprised SD with the fact that she would be a big sister. She was very happy. She told BM boxing day and we were served with court papers and a police officer removing SD from our house on dec 31. We had a verbal agreement that we did every weekend, school holiday and when ever her mother didn't want her which was a lot and we paid CS faithfully and bought everything for both houses.

I can remember that day clearly. Holding my SD up stairs as she cried because she didn't want to leave. She was afraid of BM new boyfriend. There was a CAS investigation open on her BM and the boyfriend at that time and we were talking of having her move in with us full time as her BM was moving 3 hours from SD birth town and didn't want to go. She knew people in our town and always wanted to live with us. SD was taken by police, it was so traumatic for her, she clung to the door frame and cried through the parking lot.

That is the day hell started. We fought in court but had to give up every weekend for every other as its status quo and BM claimed she was going to spend time with SD, never happened.

Throughout my pregnancy my SD became more and more rude and mean to me. Talking back and little things like that. I understood that going from 10 years as #1 to having to share is hard. I figured she was blaming this baby as the cause of all the problems. By that summer we had seen SD 5 times. I had lost my wonderful relationship with her. She depised me. I was the root of all things bad. The visits became less and less the more SD talk nicely of baby to be. They became every few months.

Fast foreward to Oct 2008. We have not seen SD in 6 months only 2 calls. 2 emails and that was to tell us SD called CAS on BM and now stepfather. We never got any information from SD or CAS on what was happening and didn't know how to help. I receive a text message stating SD is moving in with us and will be there in 2 hours. I was floored. Firstly i was very excited to finally have her with us and not having to fight for it. Secondly i freaked out as we had moved in with my parents to help with the financial burden of paying $800 a month CS and repaying all the court costs. It is a large house but where would i put SD.
Well SD arrived, things were ok for the first couple of months. Then her back talking, rude mouth and attitude started showing.

She is very socially limited so to speak. She has never been allowed friends in her BMs care. She's great in an adult setting but can not play or hang with her own age group. She is not at the same maturity level as her peers and creates a lot of stories to fit in. She has begun trying anything and doing anything to be in the group. That scares the crap out of me. She also does not know how to show emotions properly, she watches others for cues and mimics them. As BM is all over the place this may have done that we will never know.
We have always noticed 'problems' with SD. We went to a counselling program after we saw that maybe this isn't learned behaviour it is actually her and she can't control it. It turns out she has the same disorder as her BM and that side of the family. And like all the maternal side she refuses to accept it and learn to cope with it. She was diagnosed with attachment disorder which they figure is from the neglect of her mother and the portrayed abandonment from me when she was taken. She began testing for border line personality which 7 members of her BM's side have but as she is under 18 they can not medically diagnose just suggest. She rebelled against the therapist and us and refuses to go anymore. That was almost 2 years ago. Since then we tried to continue what we learned in counselling of keeping constants and having rules set.

She loves to play DH and I against each other. DH still works 12 hour nights and I now work from home 9pm-2am when BD goes to bed. We have curfew times that ensure SD is home before I have to work (its on the phone so I need quiet and to be paying attention) she could care less. I shouldn't complain about the curfew as she hardly goes out. She spends most time in her room alone reading or cranks her music which is right beside my office to disturb me. When she does go out she makes a point of being late. We found her drinking when we took her to cuba for her 16th bday and she continued this at home. She steals and lies constantly. I don't hink she knows the truth of somethings anymore. Any rule you set she has to break it, she has told us she feels trapped and can't control herself. Don't know if its real or made up.

Life might be ok if this was all I had to deal with. But as DH is not home much, I have the pleasure of being the one to deal with both girls at their worst, the screaming matches with the oldest, running on little sleep as I work until 2 am. To add to this my father had a stroke in march and I now care for him during the daytime and help at night as he closes off to either my mother or me depending on his mood. So i am now the care giver of a 16yr old SD 6 yr old BD and 66 father. My mother works and DH works outside the home. So i do all appointments, medicines, meal prep, cleaning and dealing with having lost my father but his shell is still there. All of this is killing me. I have begged and pleaded, yelled and screamed, cried, talked calmly everything to get Sd to work with us. She fights me every step. We have said we are kicking her out so many times i can't count them. BMs house is no longer an option SD hasn't visited there in 2 years. SD sees maternal GP 5 times a year and I tell her to go there. It has gotten to the point that when i see her I get angry, i now despise her. She tries to play the games BM played on her with my BD and I have all but separated SD and BM permanently. I can not have my BD bring messed up. BD has enough to deal with at 6 then to have her sister screwing with her head.

DH always gets mad as he is sick of the fighting so he gives in and counts the time till shes 18. Figures then shes gone. Me as a mother realizes your are parents for life. I wish I could take back all that I did for SD and with her then maybe I wouldn't hurt so badly.
Right now just to get through the time I do not talk with SD, i purchase nothing for her as she complains everything i get is crap. I went from giving her my all to nothing and even that hurts as I second guess everything that maybe it is me.
So our relationship is pretty much just she breaks a rule like being out to late which disturbs the whole house and if she keeps pushing me I freak. I have come to the point of feeling completely dead inside when i deal with her.
I really wish she would move out then possibly there is a chance for some form of relationship in the future.

To beg and plead with someone to give respect and help a little to someone who gave you everything when they didn't have to. To actually try to work with the last mother who is in your life instead of pushing her away. Is that so much to ask.

If anyone has a crystal ball and can tell me if its worth continuing or to just give up. I don't know what to do right now DH isn't talking to me as I blew up at him. No one considers me working at home real work. Because I am accessible and well I must be available to deal with everything because I am here. Thats another story in its self.
Does anyone on here have a SD who has mental disorders and can offer help/advice on how to fix our broken family?