Will I ever be happy?
Well, I've been married to my DH for almost 9 yrs. We were married one month and ended it getting his kids the next month. I had a BD who was 13yrs at the time and needless to say she wasn't happy either. I guess she always held hope that I'd get back with her dad. For now I'm not going to go into too many details simply because with all the reading I've done on this website my situation is pretty much the same as many others. My BD is now 22yr and lives with her fiance and her children. I have the two SD - SD12 and SD17 that live with us full time. No help from BM at all.
SD12 is closer to me than my own daughter (who had many issues from her dad). SD12 is like my little buddy and does everything she's told and just has the greatest personality. SD17 is a nightmare from hell!!! She does absolutely nothing to ever help anyone out, including her own BF. She has made my life a living hell and I truly hate her. She gets away with everything. She's been in trouble with the law, lies all the time even when it wouldn't even get her in trouble. Loves arguing just to argue. Once she hit the teen years made it quite known that I wasn't her mom and would only listen to her dad, yet she expects me to do things for her. She is just a down right nasty kid. This may sound bad but I don't know how many times I hoped she would just run away (can't get that lucky, I guess)!
What I don't get is when she was younger her dad had no problems cracking the whip and disciplining her (it never worked but he tried). However, ever since she became a teenager he just rolls over and ignores a lot of this. He is fully aware of how she is, it is in no way that he acts like she's his little angel. He has admitted that she really does have a criminal mentality and just can't wait until she's eighteen just like me. He just kind of buries his head in the sand and tries to wait it out.
I really do love my SD12 and she actually keeps me from losing what little mind I have left, but seriously will I ever have any peace in my life? We used to try and do things as a family but SD17 would usually go to a friend rather that have fun with the family. She's also like this with BM and that side of the family.
I used to be able to ignore a lot but now everything gets on my nerves with her. When she's home she usually is in her room most of the time but it's getting to where I can't stand to be in the same house with her and that's really sad considering we just bought this home a little over a year ago. She makes that a misery too. She doesn't lend a hand ever but always has an opinion on what we should do around the house. Believe me we've both told her home issues are not her problem and just to concentrate on herself.
I know I'm just repeating myself but I really am miserable. I've read about disengaging but I don't know if I can. My DH also has to travel occasionally for work and that leaves me to deal with her. I sometimes dread coming home after work and that's just not right.
Sorry so long but I would really, really appreciate any advice I can get.
Thanks!
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Whats the story with the BM?
Whats the story with the BM?
CPS actually stepped in and
CPS actually stepped in and took the kids away from her. We've had them since they were 3yrs and 8yrs. They lived with us and DH got full custody of them a year later (wheels of justice move very slowly). BM actually bit SD17 (8yrs at time). What's sad is they cannot get along yet BM and SD17 are exactly alike.
So sorry you are feeling
So sorry you are feeling miserable about this. It probably wasn't the best idea for dad to give up on the disipline though it has probably on encouraged her and makes her think her behaviour is acceptable. Would counselling help her do you think, or have your been down that road already.
On the positive side at least your husband accepts his daughters behaviour is not perfect, but he obviously is at a loss as what to do about it. Clearly doing nothing is making it worse though. The chances of her leaving home at 18 and never causing you another day's worry arent' good I would suspect.
She has made it clear she will not listen to you, and will only take direction from her dad, so I guess he is really going to have to pick up the ball again here and do something, whether that be counselling or laying down the law with her and being consistant about it, he needs to do this for your state and peace of mind.
I wish there was something I could say to help you, but other than getting her help or finding somewhere else for her to live I don't know what to say. I wish you the very best of luck.
On the counseling thing, been
On the counseling thing, been there done that. In regards to the 18yr thing, there may be a little glimmer of hope. She might be able to go to college out of city or state. She has been kicked out of the high school in our district twice, but managed to go to a charter school that seems to be working for her. Ha ha, actually my DH promised me when she turned 18yr he would make sure she was on her way to moving out. I told him after all I've put up with by then if she didn't move out, I'd be getting my own apartment
I just hate the idea that I can't be comfortable in my own home. It seems like I can only relax when she's at a friends.
I'm so sorry this is going on
I'm so sorry this is going on so long for you. At least there is sd12 for you to love and care for. I am with my 2 ss's full time too and both are just not kids I am in love with. I only feel comfortable in my own bedroom. I hate it that us sm's have to feel this way in our own homes. I mean, whatever happened to kids being respectful? Sheesh?
First my condolences on your
First my condolences on your unhappy situation at home.
Second, you can be happy if you make and enforce that decision. Your BD is on her own now and her issues are her own andnot your problem any longer. She will come around eventually so be there if she needs you but otherwise leave her to her own life and the consequences of her own decision.
As for SD-17, pull her strings tight, you and DH be up her ass so far you can see her tonsils, enforce the household rules, give her an impossible chore list to complete as a member of the household and she will be gone the second she turns 18. Enjoy riding her ass and tune out the bitching and this too shall pass. Soon.
You and DH focus on being a couple and parenting SD-12.
My SS-19 was an only child in our home. He is the oldest of the SpermIdiots 4 oowl spawn. My wife and I raised him to be a viable adult. Though it was a challenge we have apparently accomplished that goal. Overall he is and was a pretty good kid though not without the usual challenges of the teen years and a few though reasonably minor issues with his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan.
He was 17 when he finished HS and turned 18 at the end of the summer following HS graduation. We gave him the choice to go to college entirely on our dime, get a job and pay rent, or join the service. He chose a 6yr USAF enlistment and they are paying for his school. A parents dream. Structure, supervision, a pay check and they are paying for college. Woo hoo!
To motivate him to launch once he turned 18 and returned from his final CO'd SpermClan visitation we pretty much turned him in to our beck-and-call boy. He cleaned the house top to bottom each week and if we felt like it he did it again, and again, and again.
After a couple of months of beck-and-call boy status he started to burn up the phones with the recruiters.
This method should work pretty well with your SD-17 so give it a try and most importantly ........
Be happy.
Good luck.