New Here-Issues between soon to be SS and my sons
Hi,
After this weekend, I am at my wits end. I'm 40 and was widowed a little over 3 years ago when my twin boys were infants. I have been dating BF for 18 months and he's been divorced 3 years. We have talked seriously about marriage but we both have valid concerns about our sons.
His son is 9 (only child) and my boys are almost 4. At first they got along great; he always wanted siblings and my boys to this day adore him. Starting around this past July, he began to really dislike my one DS and it has escalated to him flat out telling him that he hates him. He will tell my other DS that he loves him and will give him a kiss. He will give same son things and when his brother asks he'll say "sorry, I only have one, too bad" or "no, I'm all done playing with _____". I have seen him hit him for no reason and then turn around and give other DS a hug.
It has really caused a strain on our relationship. We both agree that we don't want to "force" his son to like my son. We just don't know what set him off. And what is really strange is that he'll be playing with him and having a good time and then he'll just "switch over" and tells him to go away and that he does not like him.
I have told BF if we knew what happened, maybe we could work on making their relationship better.BF is constanly explaining to him that they are only 4 and don't think they way you do.
They left here about an hour ago and as I closed the door, my DS came up to me crying. I asked what was wrong and he said "BF's son told me he does not like me". I burst in tears and cried along with him. When he asks me why BF's son does not like him, I don't know what to tell him.
I really want to make this relationship work, but I am worried things will only get worse if we were to marry.
BF is frustrated as well but does not know how to approach his son.
You may have tried this
You may have tried this already, but what about a family meeting where you all talk to each other about what you need from one another to make everyone in the family feel respected and comfortable? Or have you tried having a sit down with your boyfriend's son and asking him why he doesn't like your child? This would be a non-accusatory conversation in which you can say that you want everyone in the family to be happy and are trying to help.
HE sounds mega jelous and
HE sounds mega jelous and sadly you can't make him like him, time will make him tolerate and treat him like abrother but otherwise not everyone gets along,
my oldest and my SS both get along great but don't include my youngest who is 4 and if they do they trick him and are mean to him
it drives me nuts but I also know not all siblings like eachother, I am one of 4 and I tortured my sister who is 4 years younger than me.
"Or have you tried having a
"Or have you tried having a sit down with your boyfriend's son and asking him why he doesn't like your child?"
I have asked him to talk to his son. Like I said, if we knew what is setting him off, I can work on my son.
We both know we can't make him like my son. Both my BF & I were the youngest in our families so neither of us ever had that younger sibling hatred. He told me today that his oldest brother never liked him as a child. And yes, I was picked on constantly by my brother.
Thanks!
He may not like him but will
He may not like him but will have to respect him. Dad has to step up and lay the ground rules into what he is allowed to say to your kid. Kids are fickle, and he could very well grow out of this by the time he's a teenager--he's at that age where he easily doesn't like people for little reasons. But he has to learn to watch his mouth, and can't let his kid actions mess up the family/ruin relationship.
Sounds like he's trying to
Sounds like he's trying to divide your sons by liking only one. You have to step up to the plate and protect your boys. The behaviour stops TODAY, NOW, or there will be serious consequences. In fact, if I saw this again BF didn't sternly and forcefully correct it, I'd forbid SS from being around my boys. Enough is enough. Plus, age 5 is when thay're developing thier sense of self/ thier relationship with the rest of the world, this could seriously damage your little guys self esteem.