SM needs help
Well, i have 15 years old ss who has been living with us for last 3 years and all of sudden ss is not happy and does want to move to his bm. The reason he moved with us because his bm, went psycho. DH and I know he won't have good future there, bm just think about herself not what's best interest to my ss. We know ss wants to move there because nobody will be reminding him what to do, to study, to clean his room, etc. In the last four weeks ss being behaving very cold, his grades slipped to "F", very disrespectful to me. It drove me crazy that I am at the beginning stages of depression. Last night we found out that since he was his bm, he already set in his mind, he is moving, that's when things started to spiral out of control. Therefore, he was sabotazing our relationship.
SS claims he wants to live with bm, but he is not giving good reasons, beside that he is not happy. He has been provided all here, love, everything what he wanted, tutors etc. I don't have a problem with ss moving with his bm, it is his choice and he will learn from the mistakes he makes.
The problem is DH, he wants to fight for him, force him to stay with us. SS claimed that he is mad at me, and I can feel the resentment. Believe me, all I did to him was being a sm i could, gave him love, fed him, drove him everywhere, clothe him, got him whatever he wants, i basically took him over our roof with open arms. DH does not seem to see it.
Today, I was upset and I did not want to talk to ss, because he is mad at me and he used me. I told that to DH, but DH was on his side and said he is 15, he does not know what he wants. So it ended that DH told me, i am either nice to his son, or ss moves to bm but it will affect our relationship.
I don't think it was fair for him to threaten me like that, I was providing bread for this family, i did not mind, $$$ is only $$$. Am I wrong with wanting my feelings being acknowledge? Am I supposed to be nice to his ss no matter what?
Am I right thinking that DH chose his son, over me?
I love my DH but i have to sacrifice my feelings ?
I have no one to talk to here..
At this point I don't know
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Comments
Your DH is just panicking.
Your DH is just panicking. It is not your fault or even your husbands that SS want to move to his mothers. At his age he is going to want to be where he has the most freedom. If you household is more structured, has more rules, and enforces consequences and BM's doesn't then he is going to want to be there. I moved out at 17 for the same reasons.
Sure your DH can fight it, but why? What's the point? He most likely wont win and if he does SS will get worse. He will act out and ruin your family and you wont be able to stop it. You will all be miserable. It's not worth it. Let him go.
You need to let the SS go to his moms and learn the hard way. The grass will not be as green as he thinks it is going to be. You need to let him sink or swim. This does not mean just wash your hands of him. Require that he come for his visitation, stay involved in school (conferences, parent nights, keep track of his grades), go to his extra ciriculars. Don't make him feel like he is being punished for leaving.
You might find that BM herself cant handle this new responsibility and will end up sending him back on her own....and this would take "bad guy" status away from you and your DH and put it on her shoulders. He will always assume his mom was kept from him otherwise. He needs to see she doesn't/wont/cant step up.
Good luck.
You and your dh have my
You and your dh have my sympathies for all the stress you are dealing with right now. Your ss sounds like he is very upset and confused; maybe he doesn't even know what it is he wants. At his age, perhaps the best thing you can do is be there for him and let him know that no matter what he always has a happy, stable and loving home with you and your husband. Maybe a counselor would be able to help him sort out all of the confusing feelings he has for his bm and what he went through when she had her breakdown. Best of luck to you both.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your feedback. As of now, DH wants to try to be nice to his son and still try to convince him, I decided I will try to be nice for my DH. I won't let BM to ruin what I have with DH. DH said he will let my ss go but under condition that he does well at school over there. If not, he is coming back to us. To be honest it is tough for me to be nice to ss. I think BM brainwashed my ss and he probably is confused and I hope he learns a lesson and he will realize the true BM. BM even does not have relationship with her own mother and father and daughter.