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10 long years of step parenting, can take no more!

stepmomblues's picture

Submitted by stepmomblues on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 1:00am

I have been married for 10 years to my husband. I have raised his two children since the ages of 5(girl) and 7(boy). I have one child myself from a previous marriage. She was also 5 at the time of the wedding.

Since the beginning the ex-wife has been negatively enmeshed with the children and BD. Examples: Hide children from BD so he couldn't have visitation. Would not bring them to right place or right time. Would pick up children from school and we would have to search for them. Left them at public places such as Petsmart and grocery stores. Would enroll them in functions on BD time. Her parents would help with the hiding and diversions.
Taken us to Court over 25 times in 10 years, racked up attorney bills north of $20,000.
She and grandparents would testify against me and BD. Once accused me in court that I broke into her house and stole $5000 worth of clothing. This was one of the more absurd accusations. I am a pharmacist and my husband a physician.

BD has made excuses for his childrens' behaviours for 10 years now, although I was asked to raise them on a full time basis the last 5 years. Gave up my career as clinical pharmacist.

I have cooked for these kids, educated these kids, sacrificed time and treasure for them. The dad does not parent or discipline his kids, and yes that fell on me too. If there is/was a disagrement about discipline, I was always wrong and he made excuses for them. Even when the son now 19 had a hit-and-run accident, came home and hid. The cops show up and he gets his attorney to get him out of it. 6 months later, driving/texting barrels into the back of a young girl, traveling 50mph, and my daughter is in the front seat. My daughter is injured. My husband makes excuses and gets the charges reduced.

All this really began back when he was 8 or 10. Example: husband and i would agree that there would be no baseball this season (told Ex wife) because of the upset involved. I come home one afternoon, baseball gear all over the floor. Call Dad. Oh, i changed my mind, i told him he could play baseball!!!!!

I have lived like this for 10 years. In addition, he doesnt' know if my child is dead or alive.

The problem now, is his daughter. For 10 years, we have been pulled into court either by the ex-wife or the grandparents. So bad was it, that his daughter has lived full time with us the last two years. She has been the sole responsibility of me. He is always gone and works long hours.

Just recently my own daughter made some bad choices about boys and running away from home, who could blame her and she and I are now living apart from my husband and stepdaughter. Son is now at college! Thank God. He lived full time with his mother last past year because I would not allow him in our house after stealing and lying on the military application about his police record and school records. What did my husband do? Nothing, he said let the military figure it out and no consequences for stealing. According to him it is all a misunderstaning.

The daughter, who was so emotionally messed up when she came to live with us, now a senior in high school, now proclaims that she misses the grandparents and will be calling and visiting them. I objected,and said to wait till after she graduates, because they bring problems with us and they will try to bring back the BM. My husband tells me, This is her decisiion and I support it, I don't care how it effects you. If they bring trouble I will handle it" Hogwash. I said I couldn't and wouldn't do it and will know longer play a parent/cchild relationship role with her. If she is old enough to make this decision, I am done. He called me mean selfish bitch.

Looking back on this, I feel used, betrayed and angry. If feel I have wasted 10 years of my life. There is no loyalty with step children no matter how much you do,sacrifice,(pick a word) I am SPENT!!

Comments

helen17's picture

Submitted by helen17 on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 1:17am

Only got time to quickly reply but am in a v similar situation, but have only put in 5 yrs and have had enough already. You can read some of the replies people have sent to me if you like as they have been very helpful and supportive. I wish I had a magic wand to make these blokes stand up and be accountable for the mess they are creating with undisciplined kids. I too make reasonable agreements with SO regarding behaviour and as soon as SS15 is home, he changes his mind (gets talked round). It is frustrating and unfair to us steps who are trying to good by somebody elses child. Hugs to you and if think of anything helpful, I'll repost. XX

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Submitted by CalgonTakeMeAway on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 1:33am

"This is her decisiion and I support it, I don't care how it effects you. If they bring trouble I will handle it" Hogwash. I said I couldn't and wouldn't do it and will know longer play a parent/cchild relationship role with her. If she is old enough to make this decision, I am done. He called me mean selfish bitch."

This says a whole lot, especially that he doesn't care how it affects you. Obviously. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I wonder...say there was another family you know that was in the exact same situation as you so your DH could see it from the outside. I'm curious if he would recognize how stupid the dad's actions are. You know it's always different when it happens to somebody else (eyeroll).

{{{{Hugs to you}}}}

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 2:53am

I am so very sorry, I cannot imagine raising these miserable kids and then being treated that way anyway. I feel for you. Be strong, be there for your daughter...I have a feeling many of these issues have affected her as well. Don't do anything else for them.

I am so very glad that I saw the train wreck coming years ago and walked away from it by no longer doing a thing for the kid. I knew in my heart nothing good ever comes out of it.

A big hug. I wish I could say more.

reluctantgma's picture

Submitted by reluctantgma on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 3:54am

It hurt like crazy for me to realize that I had done nothing more than enable the lousy behaviors of my bf and his son for the 2-3 years that we lived together. However, the most important insight that I got by removing myself from such a dreadful live-in situation was that the problem wasn't them and what they do, I had fallen short in caring for myself and by allowing them to treat me so badly.

We can't change our pasts. Don't beat yourself up viewing those 10 years as a waste. It was a growing, learning experience for you, painful as it may have been. Love yourself and your own child now that you've taken your space to do so. Close your ears and refuse to take responsibility for the pain, torment and negativity generated by your husband and his kids.

You did the right thing for you and your daughter. Stand strong. (huggs)

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 8:04am

I have put in eight years; biodad handling practically EVERYTHING the WRONG WAY!!

I have come to the conclusion that the safest route is to bail and vow to NEVER EVER get involved with a man who has a previously enjoyed family.

Between the unfair family court system, vindictive BMs, PAS bonging skids and guilty daddies who bail out and make excuses for their budding felons, it's SOOOOO not worth it.

These men show us who number one is and it's not SM. We are DEAD LAST!! We actually lose ourselves b/c it is indeed a one way relationship. The whole thing centers around the BM and skids much to the skids detriment and disservice.

Get out now and re-establish the relationship with your biodaughter. No doubt she sensed the double standard. Dollars to donuts, I'll bet that "hubby" came down on YOUR daughter HARD while looking the other way for his miscreant spawn.

stepmomblues's picture

Submitted by stepmomblues on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 8:12am

Thank you all. I really needed to hear some support. I am the bad guy for not "supporting" SDs decision. I explained to my husband that this contact is not healthy for my SD along with all the trauma it could bring. He HATES his ex-in-laws, convinced me all these years how bad they are, along with their daughter, his ex-wife.I believe it has been my job all these years to protect my SD from their unhealthy influences. She was an emotional mess when she first moved in with us. And I thought my husband agreed. But now, she claims she, at 17, has forgiven them and I am not a christian, I am petty and ugly. I will not continue with the same relationship we have had in the past. I am now living with my own daughter away from the house, due to counseling constraints. I can only handle a cordial relationship at this time, if any. I fear my husband is going to divorce me over this. He yelled at me over the phone and told me to "leave he and his children alone." I am so depressed!

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 8:26am

Keep your chin up! Obviously your DH already HAS a wife, that is a MINI wife in SD!!

That is not uncommon. . .it seems these men are actually practicing a "BM do-over" with their daughters.

I know it feels like you were used and thrown out. And that is exactly what it is, too. Get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin and read thoroughly!!!

It's important to reclaim YOURSELF in these situations!!

reluctantgma's picture

Submitted by reluctantgma on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 9:00am

SMB, you left to protect and heal yourself. What loving Father/God would demand that you spend the rest of your life wallowing in pain and tormented by other people's poor choices, unhealthy ways, unloving and uncaring behaviors? If that's what being a "good Christian" amounts to, I'd prefer to be a heathen!

In reality, your husband and SD are demanding that you suffer the consequences of their 'sins' with and for them. I'm sure they've enjoyed the 'free pass' you unintentionally provided them for the past 10 years. Of course they'll fight tooth and nail to make you "wrong" for putting a stop to your part in it. You don't have to accept or own the rubbish they toss out to bully you and justify their own lousy behaviors. Now you're free to find and LIVE your own healthy truth. It hurts now, but this too shall pass. Really. (huggs)

primrose's picture

Submitted by primrose on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 11:54am

Sorry for your experiences, but take it as a learning process, most SK,are the most ungrateful people in the world, so take care of your Bio child, and clear your mind of SK,their are fake, manipulating and trouble....Good luck and set yourself free....