I am 45 years old and I married my husband 14 years ago. We have one daughter together (honeymoon baby) and she is now 13. He had 3 children who lived with their mother at the time. Weekend visits were pretty calm and I actually had a great relationship with them. About 3 years ago, their BM moved to California and there were 3 adult skids at our door step. We have a big old house so we were able to accommodate everyone so they had enough space. We had the usual problems: Dishes in sink when we have a dishwasher, if they even got their dishes into the kitchen, dog shit from the SD dog in my dining room constantly (I have banished the dog to her room so she comes home to poop and I don't have to clean it up, trying to character assassinate me to my husbands sisters (successfully). Mostly it is the lying and backstabing I can't handle.

Last year, I caught SD(18) and SS (21) smoking pot in our house (I am in recovery and sober 2+ years now). The other SS is 23 and is in the national guard so he can't do drugs, but binge drinks instead. After the pot incident, I told them either they get out, or I would - temporarily and when they were gone, I would come back. A little immature on my part but I'd had it by then. We helped the two oldest Ssons buy a condo and they moved out. They think I kicked them out, and I kinda did, but they both work and are lazy, so go be lazy in their own home. Their condo is disgusting. I am relieved.

My problem now is the Sdaughter who is 18 still lives with us. I don't love her like I love our daughter (13) and I know that is normal and actually the reality of motherhood vs smotherhood. . I have tried, and she has tried, but it is past the point of repair. My husband and I have 3 dogs we adore and she has one. Because she is gone for 18 hours at a time (boyfriends, work, pot smoking with brother, etc), that leaves my husband and me to clean up after and take out her dog. About 4 months ago, I set the ground rules with my husband that I would no longer take care of her dog when she is not here. So he does it, as best he can. He is a good man but he is a peacemaker/people pleaser and is guilty of trying to keep peace between the two camps, so to speak by bullshitting us all. Sounds benign but causes more resentment than intended.

SD and both SSonsis are in Colorado for their grandmothers funeral (they never talk to their grandmother and haven't seen her in years). I sounded off to my SD yesterday via email about how my irritation is not with her but with her dog and lack of care and attention she gives it and lets the responsibility fall on her Dad and me. Probably not the best timing, I admit but the other day, I stepped in her dog's poop and it got on my purse strap (? not sure how) and when I went to put my purse on my shoulder, I got poop in my hair, on my shirt and when I tried to clean it up it got under my finger nails. I was pissed. Well, not only did I get a nasty email back, I got one from her brother, whom I have had a great relationship with since he moved out.

Lots of other events have occurred - far too many to write at this time. My husband does not like conflict and is very unconfrontational, so he is distressed about this too. It feels like the kids are trying to break up our marriage. No, I don't feel it, I know it. Our marriage is strong, but we have been through the ringer. I have been through the ringer. Husband used to be verbally and emotionally abusive to us all and he has gotten much better in the last few years.

My family has seen me go downhill since marrying my husband. I am on so much medication just to try to cope, I don't know where to turn next. My sister came to visit this summer and she said that I was a walking shell of a woman and is so sad that I have stayed in this situation, but respects that I have honored my marriage vows. My mother (who is a little crazy so I don't put much stock in her opinion, but love her anyway) is horrified when we talk about what is going on in the house.

It is not pretty and when the kids are not here, life is great, sort of. Any advise would be greatly appreciated....

Soul Searching in NH