Plans being postponed
Ss had one of his meltdowns on Wednesday. Ss was talking more than he usually does and my Dh was feeling proud. So he reached in for a hug. Ss recoiled and was freaking out, screaming 'Don't touch me!' It must have triggered a memory in him. There are so many things that trigger bad memories for Ss that send him into panic attacks. Some examples are swimming and the movie theater. We are not able to do anything with him. My Dh has not been with me and my kids for so many things because of this. I feel guilty for saying this but I do feel resentment about it. I know it is not Ss's fault but in my mind, I lump him along with Bm and her husband as the cause of my resentment. I have been with the therapist to work on this but it has been very hard.
And I was angry at my Dh for hugging Ss in the first place because he KNOWS Ss cannot handle it. Ss handles hugs and kisses from family in public because he does not want people to judge him. But at home he cannot bottle it up. Then I felt bad for getting angry at my Dh because he only wants to hug his child. And he cannot even do that. My Dh cried later that night. It was very bad.
So as usual, after his meltdown, Ss just lays in bed, sporadically starting to cry again. It has gone as long as a week once. So the plans for the shelter visit today have been postponed till Monday. We are going to try for Sunday if the shelter is open that day. Ss seems to be feeling better.
Last night, I had a day off Friday so I let my Dh go to a friends house. I was taking Ss's dinner to his room. I saw him with tears down his face and he was just staring at the ceiling. I hope no one thinks I am a cold hearted person but even my Dh is like this now. We don't try comforting Ss anymore when he cries because it happens so often and when we do try, it just makes it worse. He hates us comforting him. We feel bad seeing him cry but we don't let him know it. So I just put the plate of food on his desk. I say to him nicely that he should eat something and I am about to leave.
Then Ss says very softly, 'Do you think about of how different I could have been?' I was caught off-guard. I had no idea what say. So I say, 'I don't know. Do you?' That was a stupid response I thought. To which Ss replies, 'All the time. Maybe people would have liked me more'. Then he closes his eyes and starts sleeping. The conversation has been haunting me all night. It left me with such a bad feeling in my heart. I cannot describe it I am afraid. I think it is because he was right. I really do think about how much of a different person he could have been. I know my Dh feels that too. It just eats us up thinking about the 'What ifs'. How much better our life would have been. How much stronger our marriage would have been. How much happier Ss could have been. Now he will struggle for a long time with everything, from relationships to his own body issues.
I realise this is very unfair to Ss and that we have accept him as he is, and we do accept him. But it is always in our minds and I hate that it is. I wanted to share my feelings. I think Monday or Sunday might be the day for Ss to get a dog. I really think so.
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This is so heartbreaking. I'm
This is so heartbreaking. I'm so so very sorry that your family is going through this.
You haven't talked about the other kids. How are they handling all of this?
Don't feel guilty for how you feel and think. I think it is completely understandable that you are feeling resentful. It's hard, no matter what the circumstances are, when one person takes away time from everyone else. Poor kid. Poor You. Poor DH.
We're thinking about you!
I can barely see the computer
I can barely see the computer monitor through my tears right now. You and your SS were weighing heavy on my mind last night. As I went through my 9 year old daughters IPod and found her chatting on an app with people she doesn't know. Needless to say, she isn't allowed to use her IPod without me home anymore. It makes me physically ill to think of the things that your SS had to go through.
I think you handle that properly. Is someone home with him during the days? That comment from him would lead me to believe he is planning on doing something to himself. I will continue to pray for your situation and that SS can come to terms with the fact that this was NOT HIS FAULT. My heart breaks for him.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Someone is always home with
Someone is always home with him. HE has tried to commit suicide before. His room has no lock (neither does his bathroom). And he is not allowed to have medicine or any sharp objects. IT sounds a bit extreme but we are not taking any risks. I am so glad you found out what your daughter was doing before it got worse. Please drill into her head the dangers of what could happen. I cannot stress that enough.
Hi HelpMe. The problem was
Hi HelpMe. The problem was that at first, Ss was not very social in school. He tried changing later but it was too late. They had branded him a loser and called him wierd. And after that. No one wanted to be friends with him. We changed schools and Ss had a panic attack the second day. He as not very good at controlling them at that time. That sealed his fate in that school as well. It is hard to see him try make friends. His therapist gave him a book of jokes and he memorizes that book and puts on a act of being cheerful just to make friends. But his reputation precedes him and everyone stays away from him. He has been hurt so many times because of kids who bully and tease him. I really really hope the dog idea works out.
Dear God, this is so
Dear God, this is so sad.
Have you considered giving him a journal? One that he can lock and be assured that no one will snoop in?
Tried and failed at the
Tried and failed at the journal idea unfortunately.
I dont' know what a therapist
I dont' know what a therapist would say but I tend to believe in honesty. I think your answer was fair and honest. He must trust you to be able to even ask the question.
I might come back later with a conversation that you've given his question some thought and yes, you do think about what kind of person he could have had before and how his life could have been different. But more importantly you think a lot about what kind of life he can still have, that nothing is out of reach. What happened to him does not define him. I think that must be something he needs to hear over and over before he can believe it. It sounds like he needs hope for this life.
I'm glad he has you in his life.
LIKE!!! I don't have my
LIKE!!! I don't have my doctorate in psychology, but I would agree that positivity would be a great approach when answering SS's questions. His past does not have to haunt him. Hopefully he can recover at least somewhat and live a productive adult life. He needs stability and a great family like yours to protect him and give him hope. My prayers go out to you and your family!
All I can say is there is a
All I can say is there is a special place in hell for molestors. We had a man come into our church and try and befriend my son and my best friends son. He moved onto another church and returned to ours with these 2 boys in tow who did not make eye contact with anyone. But then they were teen boys, they seldom make contact with anything anyway.
Long story short he was arrested, charged and prosecuted for his 'art form'. His 'artform' involved about 40 boys and even a couople of girls not to mention videos and alcohol and dope. If my now adult son (who was not molested) ever sees him he WILL run him down and kill him. Your son (and he IS your son because you are the best thing he has in the Mother World) is not alone. There are other kids out there around the world battling with what he has gone through. They are scarred and hurt and need all the love and acceptance we can give them.
Your son will get better. Once he finds a voice and moves to the anger stage and starts to progress. He will mourn his missed childhood which it sounds like he is doing.
As for the 'liking me'... just tell him he is brave and strong and very likable. The question is, are other people? Are they likable? Strong? Brave? Maybe they are the ones lacking. Your son is a survivor. One day he will be a teriffic young man.
Ss has also been subject to
Ss has also been subject to the 'artform'. And the pervert used his real name in them which just terrifies me. Ss has no idea of their existence and we want to keep it that way for a while.
He is a survivor. We just need to wait for him to rise from his hurt. It is very hard to watch him suffer and not be able to do anything about.
Thanks for the comments
Thanks for the comments everyone. After Ss woke up after sleeping the afternoon, I did try and talk to him. I told him everything that happened to him will only make him stronger. I told him he was very likable and people were just too caught up in their stupid selves to see it. He really is. He may put on an act for school but it is convincing and he comes off as a very sweet person. But he has been branded as a "loser" and "wierd" so now he is a social pariah. He looked like he could not care less about what I said. I tried talking more but said he didn't want to talk anymore. I left it at that. My Dh came back home and is dealing with Ss. I do noy know if I should tell my Dh about what Ss said yesterday. I feel like all it would do is make him sad.