Stepson dilemma
I'm new to this site and hoping some of you that share my experiences can help me. I'm a 29 year old mother of 3. I met my man when I was 18, and he was 23. It started out as just a casual friends with benefits time deal, but eventually got serious. Well, he had a 6 month old son at the time who is now 12 years old. To make a long story short, he ended up getting sole custody of him when he was 1. His mother ended up basically abandoning him. I was the only mother he has known all of his life, and I have raised him as my son. I now have 2 of my own children, 8 and 8wks. My dilemma is this...even though I've raised him as my own, I really never felt for him like I feel for my own children. I know it sounds horrible, and even writing this is hard, but its how I feel. I hate that the man I love has a kid with another woman. Even thought she isn't in the picture, I see her face every time I look at him. Even seeing the two of them together (stepson and his dad) is so hard for me. Again, its a constant reminder that he isn't mine. He's been a real burden since day one. He has a lot of trouble learning in school, and is constantly getting into trouble. There hasnt been a year since he started school, that we haven't received numerous calls from teachers and/or principals. He's not a bad kid overall, and he loves me very much. Its hard for me to admit this, but I wish he wasn't around. I want my own family, with my own kids, and my own man. I didn't know his father was going to get sole custody, and his mother was crazy. It would have been different if he just visited on the weekends or whatever. His maternal family is just as crazy as the mother. They are barely in his life. They too have been a burden in our lives. Its gotten to the point where I've almost decided to move out with my two children. I can't deal anymore. Me and my man aren't married but I still consider him to be my stepson. I find myself quite often trying to get him out of the house so it could just be the four of us. That sounds horrible right. The kid loves me dearly, and would do anything for me, but I just don't feel for him like that. I want a family of my own, and its just too late for that!!! Does anyone have a similar situation??
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I feel the exact same way. I
I feel the exact same way. I just want my DH and our baby. I can not stand the thought of DH's two other kids. I can not stand when they are over. I always avoid my own home when they are over. Take my time coming home from work. Take my baby and leave. It's a hard way to live. And I can't seem to change my thinking. Although DH doesn't have them full time. If that were to ever happen, I don't know what I would do. It is hard to love a child that isn't yours. Don't feel bad that you love your two babies more than SS. That is a normal way to feel. You are not alone. Trust me.
I understand how both of you
I understand how both of you feel, I am also a step-mother and I have been with my DH since his daughter was 3 (she is now 11). HOWEVER, those children were in the picture before any of us were. Our role as a "parental figure", since it was a choice we made, is to put the needs of the children first, not our own. Trust me, I know how hard it is because my SD's mother IS in the picture, and caused us nothing but grief for about 6 1/2 years (things are finally cooling down). We also have 2 children of our own, and there were plenty of times where I wished it was just "our family". But if you really think about it, how selfish are we?? These poor kids didn't ask to be here....we chose to be with their father, knowing they had children, it was OUR choice, not theirs. Do not punish a child for existing. You are the adult, you made a choice, you are the only one who can control your happiness...
You are absolutely right!! It
You are absolutely right!! It was a choice I made and now regret but its too late. Even though I'm unhappy, its not his fault. I couldn't leave if I wanted to because thats what his BM did and I couldn't bare to put him through that pain. I think about all that he's put us through and our family through and I get pissed. Then I think, well would I be as pissed if he was my own kid?? I don't know, because he's not. You don't know how hard it is to look at this kid everyday, especially now that he looks exactly like his BM. He's never met her, but he does ask questions which leads to more stress and aggravation. I know one day its going to happen, and I dread it. Its because I fear what the after effects will be. He's had to talk to therapists, especially after my daughter was born. He hated her, and to tell the truth, he still does!! He's really mean to her when we're not around, and I fear him being around the baby when we're not around. I've actually had to arrange for him to be elsewhere if I had to work, and someone had to look after the baby. I know he didn't ask to be here, and I would never treat him different or badly. I'm stuck in a situation I can't get out of. I am sacrificing my happiness for his. I wish I felt differently, unfortunately, I don't. I do love his father very much, and he loves me. He understands the way I feel, but he is obligated to care for him, and I've obligated myself to be his mother. Even though I wished I hadn't, I did, and I guess I'm going to have to deal with it. In the meantime, I'm terribly unhappy, although, I hide it pretty well!!
Very true, bribaby. I agree
Very true, bribaby. I agree with you. Still is very hard to push those thoughts our of your head. I am not happy that I feel the way I do. Trusst me I wish I didn't. It would make my life a little easier. Hopefully with time I will change.
In my case, it won't change.
In my case, it won't change. The older he gets, the more I despise him. The fact that he looks just like his mother, ughh!! When I see him and his dad stand next to each other, I get pissed inside. I see him, his dad, and his BM. It's like there's two families living in this house. When we take family pictures, its obvious that he isn't my biological kid. I've had to deal with soooo much over the years, you have no idea how much!! We have 3 bedrooms, he has one and my daughter the other. I look into his room, and think that it should be MY sons room, not his. The fact is, he has no where to go but here. His mother lives in another state and has 5 other kids of her own. Not that she would ever take him anyway. I feel bad for him in a way, but I still can't feel any love for him.
I don't know if I for sure
I don't know if I for sure will be able to change my way of thinking. But I do believe I will have to put on a show and fake it at some point. Not the way I wanted to live either! I feel your pain
Its a horrible way to live,
Its a horrible way to live, trust me. I'm the only one in my home unhappy, and its sickening. I've talked to my man about this and he understands completely. He tries to tell me that we are a family, and I shouldn't think the way I do. But I quickly remind him that all of these kids in the house are yours, and that you have no idea what it feels like and won't unless the shoe is on the other foot!! Seeing the two of them together breaks my heart. Its good for them, but kills me inside. Last week, he took him to see his maternal grandmother at her house. He stayed the entire time. All I could think of while they were gone was that my man was at his son's mothers house with her family. He should be at home with our family. We have to share him with them. It sounds bad, I know, but its the way I feel. I can't help him. At this point, I wouldn't mind him going to live somewhere else. Whenever he is out of the house, or away for the weekend at a friends, and its just me, dad, and our kids, Im so happy. I've went as far as arranging it to be that way sometimes so it could just be the four of us.
I know. It's hard to 'share'
I know. It's hard to 'share' I guess is the right word. But you are right... All of the children are his! So he has no idea how you feel. Now why does the BM have 5 other children but she wants nothing to do with SS???
Have you talked to a
Have you talked to a therapist about your feelings? Maybe they could help you to see your SS differently. It sounds like you're dealing with jealousy. If the BM is out of the picture, who cares about her. So what if he looks like her. Have you considered adopting this child? Maybe that would make him feel more like yours. I know he's not your BS, but you've been there most of his life. A mom isn't just one that gives birth. A mom is the one that's there for the child, like you have been. Obviously you've been a good mom to him because he adores you. I hope that you can find happiness in your situation.
I understand completely how u
I understand completely how u feel. Kinda in exact same situation except my SS bio mother is still in the picture. Your actually lucky that the mother isnt around and you basically raised him as your own. If she was around you would have to deal with him being raised in two households and that sucks for a kid. Its natural to not feel the same way for him like you do your real kids. If you really love your boyfriend you would accept him. Also your ss is your kids brother. Try to get him in as many activities as possible to keep him out the house. I put my ss in camp, and karate and hes barely home. And when he does get home, he eats then goes straight to bed.
I do keep him pretty
I do keep him pretty busy....lol!! Thanks for the advice Stpmum11!!