Feeling like a failure

I am disengaged from my SD11 for the most part. I do have days when I have a pity party for myself about it though. I often wonder what I did to deserve such little respect and why my SD treats me like I am not even there. Things like says bye or hello to her father and not me or asking him questions that obviously would be a questions that you ask me. She has gotten to where she won't eat anything I cook and acts as if there is no place she would rather not be than at home unless of course her father promises to take her somewhere or buy her something. I truly gave it my best shot to be her friend and she doesn't want anything to do with me unless it is to take her somewhere or she needs money.

I feel like a failure to myself and my husband sometimes. I know how important his daughter is to him and the fact that it appears like she doesn't want to be around the house much anymore and I feel in my heart it is largely due to my presence there. I never yell at her or tell her what to do and she still absolutely wants nothing to do with me. It makes me sad to think that not because of me but because I love my husband and I want him to be happy and I know that he wants us to be a big happy family and now it is two separate families living in one place.

I have these days when I feel completely numb and today is one of those. Thanks for listening to my pity party girls

jojo68's blog
Log in to post comments

Comments

I see from your background

I see from your background that you have been a member here for quite a while - yet it doesn't sound like you have yet read the book "Stepmonster" which everyone recommends. In it it states categorically that a failure to make a relationship with the step kid is almost always due to the attitudes and behaviours of the biological parents and not the step parent.
Why doesn't your DH make his daughter say hello and goodbye to you like any civilised person? If you are disengaged I understand that there probably would not be much contact between you but even between disengaged SMs and SKIDS there should be minimum politeness enforced by the bio parent.
I understand that you are just having a pity party as you say, but I hope you do not honestly believe its all your fault because that's just not true.

I went through something like

I went through something like this not too long ago. It nearly ended my marriage. What worked for me was to put my foot down and tell my husband's kids that they didn't have to like me and I didn't have to like them, but they did have to show respect for me as their dad's wife and the other adult in the home. I let my husband know that I would no longer plan their parties, buy them gifts, remind him of upcoming events,or facilitate his visitation or plan things to do while they visited. I also would not go out of my way to cook for them unless I was already cooking a meal.

I expected him to make sure they were not disrespectful to me and cleaned up after themselves.

Of course, somethings that had to do with them slipped through the cracks, but that is all on him. The kids realize now who was responsible for all of the nifty gifts they got and parties they had because now their father buys for them and lets face it, he totally sucks at it.

Now, I am more like the fun aunt. I do things with them when I want to. I put all of that responsibility on their father. It really has worked out for us. I no longer get involved in their day to day and sometimes, I do feel a bit sorry for them and will toss them a bone. They have responded very well to that and actually appreciate it when I do something with or for them.

My suggestion would be for you to take a step back and make your husband actually care for them. You know what they say, "shit rolls down hill." If you get on him every time your SD treats you disrespectfully, eventually he will get on her so he won't have to hear it anymore.

Thanks girls for your kind

Thanks girls for your kind words...SD11 birthday is coming up and I have decided to let Dh handle it all since I don't exist. This kid is expecting a big deal so we'll see how this goes. The last birthday I got her a cake and made her favorite meal (I thought)and she had her girlfriends over. They didn't eat the food and trashed the cake (destroyed it and threw it all over our home). So we'll see what goes this year...I'm out!

Good for you. I hope you

Good for you. I hope you don't truly think you are a failure hear. I bet there are things going on you can't possibly know. What BM says to her, what she thinks about the divorce of her parents, what she has assumed about you. You just can't know it all or why.

The beauty of it is that you don't have to care. Once you realize that the ideal blended family doesn't exist, you take that monkey off your back and it liberates you. You don't HAVE to do anything. Its all optional. She may never come around, but your self worth isn't reliant upon an 11 year old girl who isn't yours to begin with. Let DH deal with everything. You don't owe anyone anything.

Sometimes my SD is friendly, sometimes she's not. I maintain consistent interactions either way. I just don't care. With some practice I've come to know that a child's view of me means nothing.

I was more caught up with their dad and his feelings about me. That's another story, but I'm better at that now too.

Like!

OMG I can't believe your DH

OMG I can't believe your DH stood by and allowed the food and cake debacle to happen - did he not bawl her out? That is beyond insolent - NEVER NEVER make her a cake again or have anything to do with b'days. My SDs went through a stage when they would not eat my food, and I told DH he would have to do all the cooking for them from then on. That lasted about 2 years, and then I slowly started cooking the odd meal again, but not like before.

You are here