Hijak here, if you wish.
Ok, do it here, not on the other person's blog, ok?
From what I read many if not most here are angry, legitimately so for the most part, and don't have a good relationship with their step. For myself, I feel like a better person when I don't hate and resent anyone. My definition
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It's not about trying harder;
It's not about trying harder; it's about being completely honest and vulnerable and seeing each other's humanity. Trying harder, doing the same things over and over , expecting a different result..is the definition of insanity.
I agree that to make it work
I agree that to make it work it takes more than just one, for sure. But to look at it a certain way, trying to leave the anger part and just stick with the pain, that is up to us. If we can do that, and I am not saying I have conquered that, then things seem to get better around us. I am not even a religious person, but I know how I feel when I hate someone and when I don't. When I don't, I feel good and everything seems better.
No it does not fester. I have
No it does not fester. I have some sad memories for sure, but I am not festering. Other things, recent problems that I am still upset about and can't quite digest ( not kid realted) those are in the festering stage and I'd like to get past those too.
Ok this just makes me want to
Ok this just makes me want to laugh! Everyone's experiences with the BP is probably different and everyone's experiences with their SKids are probably different. I only read this blog because of how many comments their were - and then I just couldn't help myself from replying. To briefly give a few examples of my experiences - BM has literally threatened to kill my skids when we got full custody of them - and then she threatened to kill Hubby. Her SIL tried to kidnapp them in the middle of the night, BM was involved in a murder and is a meth addict - all this in the last 10 years. I could go on and on. Now the skids don't know some of this because we felt it was best to keep it from them (and yes the police were involved with every incident as well as children services). How do you tell a child that your mother wants you dead...you don't. SO after 4 years of her having very limited contacted with them (supervised and many months not seeing them at all) the courts decided that she is now fit to see them every other weekend.
Now after a year and half my skids are turning against hubby and me and turning into horrible little brats - they are 17 and 13. BM goes around telling people that I am abusing the skids (I have never raised a hand to them EVER) and lets them curse and go to parties. Yet the beginning of this blog says I shouldn't hate or resent BM. Hmmm - try being in my shoes - she has taken my "good" boys away from me and is turning them into juvenile deliquents - and our attorneys say we have no case because it is our word against hers. Our skids actually told us they no longer respect us - they only respect BM because she has been thru so much! Yeah I resent her - I have no sympathy for any parent that would rather do drugs than be a parent!
That sounds very hard and I
That sounds very hard and I am sorry anyone has to go thjrough something like that. I don't advocate turning the other cheek or not reacting to someone who is doing this to you. I say that I think there are not a huge amount of truly evil people, that feel nothing and just sit arounf thinking of ways to inflict pain on others. Maybe you do have one on your hands. Mostly the people that "ruin" our lives, are sad individuals. Lonely and insecure and envious and tortured. People that would like to eventually do good, but have too many things holding them back.
Years ago, my boss was this truly amazing mother of two tenns, at that time, and a beautiful person all around. 6ne day I came to work and told her I could not believe what I had heard on the radio, about a mother doing something so neglectful to her child. I honestly forgot what it was, sorry. She repled:
" I was raised in a stable, loving, big family. There was no violence, no substance abuse, no lack of food, no fear, we had a comfortable home. I am now married to a man who loves me, have two healthy children, still the support of my family, a comfortable home, a profession I love, health, friends. I have never had an addiction, I have never been abused. And with all that I still have come awfully close several times to just whacking my child during a stressful moment. If I was that close, how can I judge someone who may have been abused as a child, hungry, scared, lonely, raped, drugged, poor..... I can hurt for the pain they have and the pain they are passing on; I can try and help wherever I can, but I am in no position to judge."
Obviously I am paraphrasing, since I did not record it, but that was the jist of it. To this day, when I quickly judge or feel superior to those who really mess up, I try and remember what this woman said. I try.
Your boss was very wise. I
Your boss was very wise. I agree that many people who lash out are in pain. As I've said before, happy people don't antagonize others. I also try to look at the motives of people. It doesn't mean I don't get angry and go off...I'm human. But I try to take a deep breath and respond rather than react. Not always successful, but trying should count for something, right?
I am actually not big on
I am actually not big on judgement or condescension. If you try and read my posts thoroghly you will see that I ackowledge my faults and having many of the feelings that are expressed here.
I di find your and some other attacks quite unfounded and petty. Some have given me a good argument and I have learned from it. You have had nothing of the sort.
SFF-I actually do get where
SFF-I actually do get where you're coming from. In fact I came on this board the same way
The problem is-it's HARD to not get angry/bitter when it's happening. I can honestly say-and wholeheartedly believe that once they are gone and out of your daily lives...then work is on YOU personally to turn your own emotions aroudn in order to not poison yourself and become even physically ill. Bitterness, resentment, anger, unforgiveness...who does it really hurt? Ourselves. I do believe that.
I am big on my faith-and my faith has taught me this. Some can't udnerstand it-my bf does not understand how I have been able to forgive and not resent my ex anymore for how I was treated. I just don't want to poison myself-I want to love my life, live my life, enjoy it, be happy.
I couldn't when I was in that prison-hard to see through the trees. The man was horribly abusive-I dare say a much worse situation then any stepkid/bm evil selves combined. This is a man who swore to love me...and to be disrespected, hit, forced to have sex, degraded, humiliated, neglected, put down, verbally lashed at year after year did a big number on me. The ultimate betrayal. I went the wrong ways in trying to heal once I was out-but overtime and w/my faith I did. I got there.
I can now speak/be in the same room during bdays, chit chat, etc...and though I remember all the damage I no longer hold onto it-it's not a stronghold in my life and my life is better because of it. I no longer get triggered when I see him and have a panic attack and start seething and venting to everyone around me. Is he still the same person? Yes...I'm not around it daily-I'm free of him, it was time to free myself and my well-being, all of it...and I chose that. I chose not to stay bitter and angry hurting myself.
SO yes-I know that once my step situation isn't as close as it is now I will be able to do this easily because it's what I know is best for myself.
Overit, I'm so sorry you had
Overit, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Nobody should have to endure those things by somebody that "loves" them.
I am glad you have overcome, though! I'm also strong in my faith. I'm reading a really good book about forgiveness. Forgiving is for us, not the person we forgive. Many times they don't even know how much we're hurting or that we do choose to forgive. It just frees US. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to be warm and fuzzy to the offender. It does allow us to move on and live the best lives we can. It's a process though...it can take a very long time to get there.
Calgon-oh it's ok, it's in
Calgon-oh it's ok, it's in the past and I'm sure it taught me some valuable lessons....came out w/flying colors honestly
You are so right...I agree with this "Forgiving is for us, not the person we forgive. Many times they don't even know how much we're hurting or that we do choose to forgive. It just frees US. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to be warm and fuzzy to the offender. It does allow us to move on and live the best lives we can. It's a process though...it can take a very long time to get there."
EXACTLY-maybe we've read the same book
It IS for us and it IS a process indeed. And it also IS a choice.