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how do you deal with SK's in the summer? Help

stepmom70's picture

Submitted by stepmom70 on Mon, 07/11/2011 - 2:29pm

I am new so sorry this is a long one. In a nutshell I want to be a supportive wife and help out since I'm not working right now, but I dont want to in charge of the kids so BM can have time to herself and so DH can work. They aren't my kids! I care about them and we get along great but their parents should plan for their summer, not me!

I start teaching next month, so off this summer. My DH has join custody of SD10 and SS13. They are here for a week and then with their BM for a week. It's challenging not only because of the back and forth but also because DH has to travel for work sometimes and BM changes her mind about dates and also travels (for pleasure).

Summer is particularly challenging because each parent is allowed to take them for up to 3 weeks for vacation, which completely messes up the calendar. My DH has a week long conference he has been attending for more than 20 years and when it doesn't coincide with the custody calendar it's a nightmare.

I tried to be the proactive good wifey and found a bunch of affordable camps and activities for the kids. I also made several suggestions DH could talk to BM about, in order to accommodate our 2 wk vacation with kids AND hers. She just started a new job, and since I'm off, I'm trying to be more flexible. However, because of their lack of communication and my DH's procrastination, NOTHING has been planned for these kids outside of the vacations and now DH and BM are fighting because there's no childcare for when she goes to work. I know, not my problem.

However, now DH wont see them for 3 weeks. He feels awful and I want to be supportive, and show empathy, but really, this could've been avoided.

At time I feel guilty because I am off and they are both working so maybe I should just take the kids to help him have more time with them. But other times I think NO, I have a life too and I dont have bio kids. I also think I am here to help, not to be responsible for them. Am I wrong?

I guess I just really dont get my role as SM yet. I am always so confused about what my boundaries should be.

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Tue, 07/12/2011 - 5:23pm

I wish I had seen this earlier. NO NO. Not your problem. IF your DH was worried about not seeing his kids for 3 weeks he would have taken care of this. He's an adult and there are consequences. Next time, maybe he'll be more proactive. Don't cover for him. Leave it be and stay out of it. Don't let pity and guilt take over.

stepmom70's picture

Submitted by stepmom70 on Tue, 07/12/2011 - 7:02pm

Thank you so much. I guess I knew this deep down inside but wanted validation. Choices, Actions, Consequences so time to accept it. I know when the kids come next week DH is going to be EXTRA Disney Dad, and probably not pay attention to me, because we'll only have them for 4 days, which will annoy me, but I'm just gonna make my own plans.

I dont want to disengage, but I haven't figured out exactly how to engage. I'm going to see a counselor for some advice. I suspect I'm enabling his behavior by covering his ass. I had put the kids shots, orthodontist, school projects, etc on MY to do list because I know he'll forget and ask me to help when he remembers. I took all this off my list because it's not my responsibility. I am here to help not to be in charge and I told him this. (as sweetly as possible)

I failed to mention, SS13 has advised he wants to live full time with BM, so DH is extra sensitive, guilty, hurt, emotional, etc.