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I want to kick him about this stupid bedtime business

Miss Know It All's picture

Submitted by Miss Know It All on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 5:33pm

Texting back and forth with FDH to find out if I should come over for my scheduled night tonight (which just so happens to be my birthday). I ask if he's too tired to hang out, he gives ambiguous answer. I ask that if I come over, could he please make sure bedtime is 9am for ME, for HIM, and for FSD3? He says that makes him feel controlled and manipulated and how could I possibly be OK imposing that restriction on our time together.

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME?!

Your child stays up too late. This caused the fight where we concluded we needed therapy. YOU stay up too late. This is why you were too tired to shag all last week. *I* stayed up too late last night coaxing a shag out of you and got up early to make you coffee this morning WHEN IT'S *MY* FUCKING BIRTHDAY AND *YOU* SHOULD HAVE MADE *ME* COFFEE, YOU ASS. A 9pm bedtime is perfectly reasonable. And even if you can't get FSD3 to obey you without a fight, I need to at least see you TRYING TO PARENT before I feel COMFORTABLE IN YOUR HOME.

And this is why we're going to couples counseling.

P.S. No. He hasn't said "Happy Birthday" even ONE fucking time today. I guess because he said it two days ago at my NOT birthday party, it supposed to be transported to the future, magically, for when I actually need to hear it.

Comments

roseslady2's picture

Submitted by roseslady2 on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 5:52pm

Well happy birthday....

but if FDH isn't willing to put you before the kids BEFORE you're married, he certainly won't after. Men want to "relax" after they get married. They dont' want to try at the relationship anymore. Address it with him and if he won't straighten up, move on.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 6:14pm

Happy Birthday. And big hugs for you.

If he allows his 3 yr old to stay up late ... well this is what my DH and his ex did with their sons. He told me it was because they were working all day and wanted 'quality time' with their sons. I told him that is rediculous. They CHOSE to both work as much as they CHOSE to have children. Imposing a 10pm bedtime on preschoolers because you want quality time with them is selfish.
My ex would work 2 jobs and NEVER expected the kids to be up late to see Daddy before bedtime. In fact if one of them was up when he got home he assumed they had a nightmare/were unwell .... which was the case.

So as a reason this is probably why he does it. He works all day and wants quality time with his child, stupid stupid stupid.

Don't go over there tonight. Spend time on your own. The way I got DH to see thing my way was to deny affection when the boys were still up late. If he felt it was OK for his boys to be up watching TV at 10:30 on a schoolnight I was far too tired for anything more than a closed mouth peck on the cheek... soooo tireddddd *insert yawn & a stretch*

When these guys want to involve you in their lives it isn't all about them and you adapting 100% to their lifestyle just because you don't have kids. They REALLY need to allow some of their routines and house rules to change as well. Otherwise you are a free bed partner and housekeeper with no autonomy. Neither can you expect him to change 100% onto your ideal partner.But then all you are asking is coffee on your birthday and personal adult time without fighting a 3 yr old into bed. Sounds extremely reasonable to me.

But then if he doesn't WANT to change it may be better to move on. I was lucky, after a few months of me going to bed at 9-9:30 when his sons were here he got the message. No more 10-11pm bedtimes on school nights... well at least not at OUR place.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Wed, 07/06/2011 - 8:05am

If you are not married and not living together why are you allowing him to treat you this way? He sounds like a guilty daddy and it is just going to get worse. If he can't even put her to bed at a reasonable hour, what is it going to be like when he needs to impose bigger rules? Good luck, but if I was this miserable and needed therapy before marriage, I would seriously reconsider it.