New 2 Step Talk..
I'm new to the site, but have a feeling this will be a very good thing for me.. A place to vent without judgement. And hopefully receive some advice which will make my position more bearable. So here goes with my story..
I'm a young "step mom" (my love and I are not married), to 3 young children. SD7, SS5, and SD3.. I love these kids as if they were my own, and try to care for em as though they were too. The BM is a piece of **** and is only "active" in their lives when its convenient for her, and shes on one of her "mommy of the year" trips, as I like to call it. My love, is a wonderful man, and a great father. He has since the divorce, obtained primary custodial guardianship, and we have them more than their BM. (Def. better for their sake)
My love and I have been together nearly a year, and lived together since the beginning. I immediately assumed the role of the "wife" maintaining the cleaning, laundry, etc. of the household, since he works and provides for the family, I felt it was the least I could do.
I also care for the kids while he is at work (when not with BM), and play the mommy role for them. They're great kids. Sweet, loving and well behaved (when out). But I don't exactly agree with my love's parenting techniques. I grew up in a poor family, sometimes struggling to get just what we needed to get by, and not getting "what we wanted" very often. I am thankful for my upbringing, it has made me appreciate everything I now receive.
My step kids get nearly everything they want. Christmas and birthdays are insane with all the gifts they receive. On birthdays, although it may only be one childs, they all get gifts. To keep things "equal". They are rewarded with outings and special fun activities very often.. But none of it is ever earned.. They never listen, to either myself or my love.. There is never follow thru or consequence for the things they are asked not to do, and do anyway.. Im beginning to wonder if my expectations are too high for him as a parent, and them as kids. I feel if they were mine it would be different.. But they are not, and that will never changed. When I try to discuss these issues with him he just gets defensive, which is expected from a loving father, but how far should it go? What should I do about the issues I see, that he doesnt?
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First off; Welcome!! I hope
First off; Welcome!! I hope this site helps you as much as it has helped me! Most of the people here are very supportive and the majority of the advice you get is very helpful because it is coming from a non-biased third party
Now, I have a 5 yr old girl a 2 yr old boy and a 9 yr old step daughter. So, I know what it's like to have a 7, 5 and 3 year old. You say they're great kids who don't listen to you or their father. That is a huge problem. They should not be rewarded for just being his adorable children. Children, in my opinion, should earn special things. It's teaches them to appreciate things they do get and it teaches them responsibility. Children should not get presents when it's not their birthday...that is what makes birthdays special; The gifts and things. When a child is always getting gifts, it makes things such and birthdays and Xmas not so special and it makes the children expect things all the time. And that leads to Entitlement.
I understand your boyfriend getting defensive about his children, but if you're expected to act like their mother, or even a positive female role model in their lives they need to show some respect to their adult caregivers. Your boyfriend should back you up. Period. Like I said before, if you're expected to care for them then they need to behave for you. If your boyfriend refuses to make them behave and support his other half, then the children will quickly learn that they can walk all over you, especially if they know Daddy allows it. It will only get worse. Trust me, I've been that child.
would he become defensive if
would he become defensive if you were their mother? no. and defensiveness is NOT good in a relationship. your relationship is more than just the kids. somehow you are going to have to get him onboard and come to an agreement regarding parenting. if he absolutely refuses then you know all he is looking for is a maid and babysitter. he needs to realize what he is doing to the children is harming them, not helping them. his job as a parent is to teach, to prepare them for the world. the goal is to make sure the kids will be ok and able to care for themselves when their parents are gone. you should refuse responsibility for them if you have no voice. good luck hon.
If he wants to spend money on
If he wants to spend money on his kids freely, that is his chioce. Not all spoiled kids are awful brats. Based on what you posted, the kids are spoiled, but not nasty monsters. You say they are well behaved when out. I would drop the money issue and just focus on how they behave with you. If you focus on both, it comes across as a list of things he is doing wrong or that you are attacking his parenting~ over spending on Christmas and birthdays, too many outings, too many gifts just because, too many fun activities, ignoring bad behavior at home.... Most people will jump on the defense if they think you are implying that they are a bad parent.