The Disengagement Guilt Trip
I had been on the verge of ending my relationship with SO, but decided to keep trying, because I really do love the clueless sap. Instead I disengaged again from SD, whom we only have on weekends, but it's still an enormous strain. I went to my mother's, intending to spend the whole weekend, but being the emotional wreck that I've been all week, I got my feelings hurt about something and decided not to stay (I'm not usually like this, by the way). I called SO to tell him I was fine since I figured my Mom would be calling home to check on me and he told me SD had left to sleep over at a friend's house.
I went home and shortly after he makes a comment about how I won't have to lay eyes on his daughter and that she missed me and was asking for me while I was gone. Um, it was about 6 hours from the time he picked her up until she left for her sleepover. She can easily go 48 hours not speaking to me and pretending like I'm not there, unless it's to glare at me. This is the part he is oblivious to. I think she might have asked where I was and when I would be back because she's nosy and is always asking questions like that.
So it took all of about 8 hours of disengagement until SO tried to make me feel bad about it. He thinks this is just about me not liking her, which actually currently I don't, but that's not it. I just refuse to be subjected to how she acts toward me and my home, plus I don't really like seeing him let her do whatever the hell she wants.
I think I made a mistake letting him know I was going to avoid being around her. I didn't specifically use the term disengagement because really who has heard of it other than people who are desperately reading/seeking resources to get through the step family thing?
So for those of you who disengaged, did you tell your spouse/fiance/BF what you were doing?
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Comments
Been here. SO has done the
Been here. SO has done the same. Trying to make me feel guilty. However, I did not let him do that. I continued until he realized what his daughter was doing and how she was behaving. She straightened up. Acts way better now. Don't give in. You are doing what you are supposed to.
" I just refuse to be subjected to how she acts toward me and my home, plus I don't really like seeing him let her do whatever the hell she wants."
Tell him this. You don't need to be around someone who is disrespectful. He can handle it or you can. You are currently handling it by avoiding her. If you tell her straight out he needs to be supportive or tell her himself. I hate hearing that crap, "the kids don't understand" "they ask about you AA".
Well, I don't care and they understand. His daughter knew she was being an asshole and I'm not going to do like her mom and put up with it. I don't have to. She can just hang with her daddy all weekend and I am not making her the center of my world. Again though, SO talked to her and she saw I was ignoring her, so she straightened up.
Crap. Well, I can't really
Crap. Well, I can't really un-tell him. But these replies have helped me think through how the next conversation needs to go.
I kinda feel the same way. If
I kinda feel the same way. If you don't tell them then they wonder what's wrong. If you do tell them not only do you feel like the jerk (to some extent) but then you look like one too. I get it everyday - but because the kid doesn't have to change-so many reasons that people pity him-he could care less. My brother says look you can't, as we would call it-disengage, that doesn't help anything...thing is until you are dealing with it you don't know what you would do.
I disengage all the time, not saying it's right but I don't know what else to do-cause guess what? If he gets his way he is an angel...I know that means I'm not parenting but he doesn't want me here-he has no concept of what a real parent is so to him I am the evil step-mom. Whatever, call me what you will...
I told my DH a long time ago,
I told my DH a long time ago, that I was going to disengage and ask that he disengage from my kids also. We parent SOOOOO different. To me, disengagment means not parenting the skid.
I was not, nor did I want to be a disciplinarian of SS. He’s not my kid. The ONLY time I would jump in is if it affected me, my kids, or my home.
EXAMPLE…. SS stays out until 3 in the morning, when his curfew is 12. I don’t say a word! Not my problem. SS takes DH pocket knife without permission. Again, not my problem. If DH is ok with it, then so am I. SS leaves dirty dishes in the sink. That is my problem! And even then, I tell DH…Please have SS get the dishes now, or you clean them and put in dishwasher. He normally goes and get SS to take care of it.
It works great for us.
I wish I could be that way,
I wish I could be that way, honestly. I need your opinion: My dad's family had a huge get together, family came in from out of the country, out of state from all over. Here is the problem. DH wasn't supposed to work gets a call and has to go in. I'm left with SS7, who can't stand me, refuses to listen, and frequently embarrasses me. I wasn't going to miss this just because of ss, so towards the end some of my family come up to me and says boy that ss needs to use manners...I told them if you had met him a year ago you would think he is an angel now (THANKS TO ME) but I'm so tired of dealing with the bs that the kid gives. What would you have done in that situation so that I can try it in the future. I can't tell you how many things I pass on because of that kid!
i didn't tell me SO i was
i didn't tell me SO i was disengaging. i just started to not pay attention to his kids and i stopped doing homework.with younger SS8 because SO would complain that i yelled too much. so when i come home from work i take care.of.my baby and things around the house. when u disengage it forces Your SO to see what you're doing.he noticed becuase he has told me that i stopped caring and doing a lot of things i had been. i honestly feel like if bm doesn't care or do anything why am i stressing myself and going crazy