Becoming more disenchanted with Prince Charming by the minute
16 years married to my husband. I have one BD now 30 and 2 SSs. 38yr. old is a Radiologist and 34yr. old works for Transportation Dept. Both financially independent and married the eldest with two young boys of his own.
I am so sadly defeated by the nonsense that has been going on for years that I find I'm crying myself to sleep more often than I care to admit.
I married the love of my life *my boss* (yes I was the secretary), but can say with honesty I was not the cause for the disolve of his previous marriage. However, I can only imagine the amunnition this gave the Ex-wife. I believe my husband's sons felt an obligation/loyalty to their mother, unfortunately they abandoned their father for many years over this. It wasn't until their mother died in a tragic car accident that the younger son started to come around to his father. I believe it was partially because it was time to Come Out to his dad that he was gay and had a significant partner in his life. His father and I both readilly accepted his partner and his lifestyle without any prejudices. Welcoming them both into our home.
I have over the past 16 years endured more humiliation, rude behavior and ill manners from both sons that it is now affecting how I view their father. I find myself becoming withdrawn from him as well as indifferent and short. I have supported my husband during the absence of his sons and continued to do so with their semi-return.
I attended the wedding of his eldest son even when the invitation was sent to Mr. only and not Mr. & Mrs. I sat in the pew we thought was the appropriate pew only to be rudely asked to sit elsewhere as that pew was reserved for some other family members. I have watched a family album be presented as a Xmas gift to my husband which contained pictures of his honeymoon with his first wife.
I have thrown a wedding reception for the gay son and his partner, buying the wedding cake, making the table arrangements and arranging for the catering. The list goes on and on. I have tried with both sons for the entire duration of the marriage.
An incident this evening with the youngest son has put me in such a funk that I feel a sense of shame. I can't believe that I have let these two Arrogant, and ill-mannered MEN walk all over me and use me to wipe their feet on all these years. I am ashamed that I didn't let their father step up to the plate. I was so afraid of getting in the way of their relationship or being the reason it was in shambles all those early years following the divorce that I never called his bluff on going to bat for me. Today I don't think he ever would have. I think he knew me well enough and knew when push came to shove, I would back down and down-play my importance or significance as a human being and just let whatever happened be dismissed without consequences.
I dont know how the rest of you maintain a sense of respect for your husbands who don't stand up for you. I am so tired of feeling like a 2nd class citizen that I am now questioning whether or not my marriage will survive.
I have gone to his rescue on more than one occasion with regards to how his sons were treating him early on. His relationship with his sons today is not what I have with my daughter, although he has a much better relationship with his sons than it was. My BD is and has always been absolutely wonderful to my husband her SF. She accepted our marriage without reservation. He has been very good to her as well, but how hard is it to love someone who accepts you willingly and lovingly. I would have made it very clear to my daughter that had she treated my husband the way his sons have treated me all these years, that it would have been uacceptable and not permitted. There would have been consequences. I would have held her accountable.
I'm just exhausted and wondering how to disengage. I know the concept behind disengagement, but I don't know if I'm capable. You have a wonderful sight here for those of us under the same miserable circumstances. Any specific advice????? I do love my husband, but am feeling a sense of disenchantment towards him and my now very bruised marriage.
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This is one of the stupidest
This is one of the stupidest leaps of logic I have ever seen. Perhaps you should step back from your attempts at making the stepmom the bad guy in every.single.scenario? These excuses are getting quite ludicrous, and are not casting you in a good light. It is impossible to take you seriously.
Are you kidding? No wonder
Are you kidding? No wonder there are so many selfish little ahole skids...if my idiot skid invited her dad and not me to her wedding, and he dared go, he would be out the door. Period. PERIOD. FREAKING PERIOD! amazing
Thank you all who commented.
Thank you all who commented. This site is, as stated in my 1st post wonderful for those of us who seem to have many similar stories to share. A "safe" place to throw-up all over especially the things we either choose not to share or can't share with family or frieds due for obvious or not so obvious reasons.
Tiredprincess09: Thank you for responding, and you are not alone I'm certain on doubting me when I wrote that I was not the cause for the marriage breaking up, but as cliche as it sounds having worked for my husband as his secretry "NO" I was not the mistress and again I say that with honesty. I know you weren't accusing and only reiterating that I could be honest on this sight. Thank you for not judging me.
STEPASIDE: I've read many of your posts and certainly appreciate you sharing your personal experience with me and advice as that is precisely why I shared my story. I believe that disengaging is going to take a great deal of practice on my part as I will be stepping out of my box to do it. I imagine I have grown comfortable with old past behaviors (mine that is). They say practice makes perfect and I've also heard the phrase "fake it until you make it" so I will do that in the meantime until I mastered Disengagement. Thanks for sharing.
SMofknowitall: I knew from the 1st two lines of your reply that you developed a strong opionion of me and nothing I'm going to say will change that. But for my benefit "ONLY" with regards to my attending a wedding without MRS. showing up on the Invitation, I did that out of love and respect for my husband. That's were my justification and explanation ends. However, for you to label my attendance as "Arrogant", shame on you. There was much more involved in my decision than Miss Manners Etiquette and unfortunately, you didn't even bother to ask before you labeled me.
Since you seem to be gunning
Since you seem to be gunning for me I'm going to start by taking a stand with you before I take one with my husband and SSs. Once again, for your benefit this time as everyone else seems to get it - I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR, I WAS NOT HIS MISTRESS - MY SIN if God sees it as such and NOT You is THAT I WAS IN FACT HIS SECRETARY. Now give it up already!!!!
I promise to not comment on your posts therefore, please show me the same courtesy.
SMofknowitall-not cool to
SMofknowitall-not cool to personally attack someone, your not even offering advise, just attacking, You don't know the whole back story, she says she wasn't the mistress, even if she was what is it to you? Usually when people attack with no advice its because the same thing is bothering them, Where you the mistress? Nevermind don't answer cuz I don't care, just lay off the poster please, we don't need fighting here we all have enough on our plates with guilty daddys ,crazy bms and skids.
totallyoverit, You did not
totallyoverit, You did not say if your H also relocated with you during the wedding, but if not shame on him.
She never had an affair with this guy and the skds behavior is inexcusable. They are acting like selfish little brats and he is an impotent little weasel for not setting them straight. Their BM probably poisoned their minds about her before she died and now they are taking it out on SM.
They need help to get over their mom’s death, but they can expect other people to suffer the way they are.
You don't need to take their crap anymore so put your foot down and let the chips fall where they may.
@NANCYL: Yes Nancy the two of
@NANCYL:
Yes Nancy the two of us were asked to sit elsewhere and reluctantly my DH and I moved. About as humiliating as it gets. We got there about 1/2 an hour before the start of the wedding as we were not invited to the Rehersal and were not given a particular time. When we got there we assumed we would be ushered to our seats like the other significant wedding attendees, were told the ushers were no longer seating
guests. We offered an explanation that my DH was the father of the Groom, but to no avail. So we seated orselves on the groomes side up front. HUGE mistake! Leaving as etiquette would state we filed out of church after the brides family, but it's one of the longest walks down any aisle I think I've ever taken. Boy did my DH get an earful once we were in the car. Needless to say he wanted to go to the Reception and like an idiot I went with him. WooHoo!.
It was an experience I will never forget as long as I live. My reasons for attending were obviously not because I followed etiquette because I did not as I indeed "Crashed a Wedding", I went to accompany the man I loved and did it because he said that if I didn't go neither would he. My thought process as ridiculous as it may sound to many was to try and help heal the relationship between father and son. Remember this was the 1st form of communication between father and son in approx. 12 years. If he didn't attend the wedding how would that have been interpretted? Who knows if it would have really made a difference all I do know is that it was the harder for me to attend than giving birth without the epidural. But, I thought that's the kind of thing/sacrifice we make for those we love??????
StepAside: I thought about
StepAside:
I thought about all of your questions and I appreciate them so let me start by answering to the best of my ability and answering them honestly.
So in hindsight, what would you have done differently?
As much as it pains me to say this, I don't know what I would do if it were today and that's honest. Later I'll tell you what I'd LIKE to do.
I can tell you what I believe should be done as I currently have the outcome of having gone...Maybe that will help you somewhat: Here goes!
I would have my husband get hold of the bride-to-be (and not by e-mail as those can be conveniently lost), by phone as it is her side that sends the invitations. I would ask him to confirm receipt of the invitation, but suggest a possible oversight in the omission on my name on it. If the shear embarrassment of having very nicely been called on the carpet about it did not make a difference, then I would hope my husband would decide to stay home with his uninvited wife.
Sidebar: This wedding was enormous. The Bride is the only daughter to a couple who could only have one child. She grew up with not only two extremely dotting parents, but also with her Grandmother. She is an ARNP although that education went out the window when she married my SS. My SS is a Doctor/Radioligist and a very successful one at that so money and expense as well as guest list size was not an issue. Not only did we receive "Save the Date Cards", we received the "Invitation" and all kinds of Information about the location/city where the wedding was to be held. There was a total of 4 mail outs and all 4 only had my husbands title on it MR....no MRS. on any of them. Talk about stupid, I even thought that perhaps the bride and her family being from another country maybe, just maybe, did not Know protocol for wedding invitations, so I checked with my sister-in-law my SS's Aunt to see how her invitations were addressed and yes you guessed it - as Mr. & Mrs. exactly like Miss Manners would suggest.
I stewed on what I should do, and what I shouldn't do from the first card we received which was the Save the Date card. Normally delivered very early prior to the actual wedding date. I lost a lot of sleep over it too. Went back and forth with my DH many times as well.
Did my going make a difference in any of the circumstances. Well my DH and I are still married - so no we didn't divorce over it. But there is a crack in our marriage because of it. My Grandmother used to tell me that you can always repair a crack, but one must remember that regardless of the repair the crack will always be there. The tea cup is still cracked, but still hoping to be repaired
It has left me heartbroken to this date and it is going to be 5 yrs. in August since the wedding. Which means I still bring it up from time to time as the pill is still stuck in my throat. The reason the pill wont go down is because to date it has never been resolved between the two of us. And he still makes excuses for his sons behavior and the poor behavior still continues.
I think my SS and SDIL have the opinion of me simply as a Wedding Crasher with no class. Even people I thought were my friends have said there is no way in hell they would have done it and thought I was wrong for attending. I don't believe my DH ever really thought I would not go and that's my fault as I am very predictable and my DH knows exactly what I'll do when it comes to his family.
What I would really really like to do TODAY is to tell his Boys and their spouses and significant others including the In-Laws to kiss my A**. I'd like to tell my DH that he has my blessing to go should he so desire, but don't expect me to attend, and if he chooses to stay with me, then I think he made the choice he should have under the circumstances. If he were to go without me, then he would need to understand why my opinion of what I thought we had will undoubtedly be forever changed.
The entire wedding weekend is book worthy I promise. Even on a sight like this I think I would get a few OMG's and even a few gasps. I hope I'd get a few cheers because I think this is truly the hardest 2 days I have ever had to endure.
Your situation may be entirely different, but you sound as though you may have the cahoonas (sp?) that I lack. Remember what I'd like to be able to do and that's what I'd do.
SM-you make no sense.
SM-you make no sense. Honestly. Where did you get they had an affair???????? Is it all in your head????? This is crazy. I am starting to feel a strong sense of pity for you, that you have to try so hard to pin EVERYTHING on the stepmom, all the time. You must have a hard life to be so negative.
SMofknowitall, Are you the
SMofknowitall, Are you the judge, jury and executioner on this forum? This is one of the many reasons that public forums have awful reputations.
"- but it seems they did have an affair."
I would suggest that you get your facts straight before you pass judgment on other people.
She did answer you - read the
She did answer you - read the blog!!!!
Since you seem to be gunning
new
Submitted by totallyoverit on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 1:03pm.
Since you seem to be gunning for me I'm going to start by taking a stand with you before I take one with my husband and SSs. Once again, for your benefit this time as everyone else seems to get it - I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR, I WAS NOT HIS MISTRESS - MY SIN if God sees it as such and NOT You is THAT I WAS IN FACT HIS SECRETARY. Now give it up already!!!!
I promise to not comment on your posts therefore, please show me the same courtesy.
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I actually had the same
I actually had the same thought
totallyoverit...if you love
totallyoverit...if you love your husband, stay with him. If not, then move on.
Here's my take on it all. You are this man's wife no matter what the history is. This man's children are angry with HIM, and to hurt their father, they are doing acts that involve and hurt you. That's the easiest and nastiest way to hurt their dad. IT's all about their anger to HIM.
So, when your husband goes along with his kids, the kids are successful in hurting you and causing problems in their father's relationship. They hope the two of you are clashing over this and anything else they can create. Of course, your husband feels guilty over the divorce and the death of his wife. Chances are, if they'd still been married, the car crash wouldn't have taken place and the mother still alive. Who knows who these kids think, but being the immature self centered children in adult bodies, they aren't capable of acceptance and have to strike out and hurt people.
When a child truly loves the parent, they show a courtesy to the spouse. When they're angry at the parent, they do all they can to hurt that parent dragging everyone into their bitterness. Kudos to Miss Pinky on that....she is the perfect example of healthy thinking, quality living, and loving her father.
There's no winning is this situation. I feel it's best for people in this situation (bio parent & step parent together) stay away. disengage, from the activities. As you know, it's a no win sitation, so need to play the game.
I'd recommend what you'd spend on traveling and gift purchases.....write that amount a nice check and send it to a needy charity in your town. Let the son know in a card how thrilled the charity was in receiving the money gift. This will truly give you joy.
I think you and husband need to completely step back from these huge disappointments of children. They sound like a bunch of bummers, anyways.
Remember, this isn't about you....it's about the anger and hurt being thrown at your husband. It's about your husband been "rubber" around these boys and bending to their demands. After 16 years, it's time to knock off the nonsense and let them know it won't be tolerated anymore. No more drama with the drama queens.
ALso, you are NOT the "other woman". You are the wife, period!!!
Donewithit: Your insight is
Donewithit: Your insight is impressive. (Below)
"Here's my take on it all. You are this man's wife no matter what the history is. This man's children are angry with HIM, and to hurt their father, they are doing acts that involve and hurt you. That's the easiest and nastiest way to hurt their dad. IT's all about their anger to HIM."
I do believe that this is as close to hitting the nail on the head as anyone has come. I am so thrilled and greatful to have had all of the kind input/insight from everyone and so much of it has been good for my soul. I agree with you and believe his sons are angry with their father. I don't believe them to be as angry as they were prior to their mother's untimely death however. Not rocket science - I believe the reason would be obvious.
What used to be non-existent the current relations between father & sons could best be described as "throw the dog a bone". Invites are usually reserved for the large events, but never for the "hey dad how bout coming over for a BBQ" or watching the grandkids open their gifts after all the guests leave. I assure you, with or without me would satisfy me, but neither son does that simple kind of invite.
My intent is not to spend my time whining, as that will not solve anything, but getting it off my chest. However, I am concerned/scared and awfully uncomfortable about making the changes I believe I need to make.
I spoke to my husband today and did so without anger. I told him that he would never experience any backlash from me should he wish to maintain the current relationship he has with his sons and as a matter of fact, I encouraged him to do so. But, I will no longer allow the boys to treat me the way they have over the past 16 years. I took responsibility for not having done this sooner and letting my feelings fester like a boil. I continued and noted that I will do so by avoiding contact with them. This is very difficult as we attend the big events (Annual Xmas Eve dinners, Grandchildrens' Birthdays, Baptisms) as well as giving my share of annual events. Of course the SS's were also included in my events. QUESTION: Do I just stop all attendances to the Annual events? Do I stop giving them from our home as well?
He gave me the floor and did not interrupt. He was respectful, unfortunately, the excuses did come for the poor behavior. Once again, it was me being overly sensitive, the absence of malice on the boys part, if he were to correct them/or address the behavior, based on heresay or mysay whatever, they may resent me more or make matters worse for me - yadda yadda yadda. Anyways, the situation this evening is uncomfortable, but I know if I don't follow through with my stand and new boundries, he will never take me serious and worse I will continue hating myself for allowing this behavior to continue on the part of my DH and SS's.
I welcome your input as well as everyone elses. Maybe someday I too will be a seasoned SM with the knowledge and foresight that so many of you have and be able to share my own experiences. But for now I'm going to be a sponge and absorb all I can for those of you in the KNOW