Hatred
I'm not sure what to do anymore. Over the last year my feelings for my SS10 have drastically changed. I've never really had much of a relationship with him and never really enjoyed having him around. I cant stand to hear him speak or even look at him. From the time he walks out of his room in the morning to the time he goes to bed all I think about is finding a way for him to leave....for good.
He is out of control, hoards trash, steals, lies, throws massive temper tantrums, acts like an idiot and has managed to push everyone around him away. He has no friends, lacks the ability to have any kind of normal 10 yr old social skills and everyone who meets him says "Man, there's something wrong with that kid."
I'm not sure I can go another 8 years with him around. I know its only a matter of time before he ends up in juvenile hall and I can guarantee he'll be in prison by the time he's 18. We've been in counseling (for years) and even the therapist suggested the child be shipped off for the summer to a special camp for kids like him. There aren't any military camps he can go to since he is only 10 but honestly military school would be good for him, especially at this age when he's young enough to be trained. I've suggested summer camps, programs, etc but my husband refuses to send him away. I've expressed my dissatisfaction in the situation and the amount of stress the SS puts on me daily, as I am the one who has to deal with his behavior ALL DAY LONG, but BD just comes back with the same response "We come as a package deal".
I CAN HONESTLY SAY I HATE MY SS.
SS's BM is spending a life sentence in prison for murder so we never get a break from him. I'm not sure if I should leave so my husband can see the full scale of this child's issues or if I should stay put and hold off until the kid ends up in jail. I love my husband so much and he is the reason why I stay. My children love their SD and think our family is PERFECT but only when SS isn't around. And I agree with my BC, our life WAS perfect up to the day we were given full custody of SS.
I've taken a HUGE step back in the SS life and have informed the counselors that I am not longer dealing with the child. Anything further needs to be handled by Dad ONLY and leave me out of it.
My BC leave every summer to visit their BF and all I wanted was for the SS to leave too so I could get the chance to unwind and maybe, just maybe, work on my bitter feelings for the SS. But that's not going to happen.
Do I stay? Do I go? Do I wait it out a little longer?
PS: Please go easy on me, this is my first post.
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BM murdered his half sister 6
BM murdered his half sister 6 years ago, SS was 5 but while this all took place he lived with us majority of the time so BM could spend her days loaded up on Meth. We know he experienced some trauma but he was not there while the sister was being starved to death. I have asked my husband if SS could have been subjected to drugs while he was in the womb but he cannot say for sure, he just assumes BM was clean because she said she was. SS is intelligent he just refuses to use the brain God gave him. BD puts his head in the sand like an ostrich and hopes it all goes away or someone else (ME) will take care of the problem.
When SS was permanently removed from BM, "I" immediately found him a Psychologist who did some extensive work on him. Within 3 months he was a changed child. We decided to uproot our blended family and moved Idaho. We hoped moving to a different state would be the fresh start we ALL needed and we could put the past behind us. It not only effected SS but the other 5 people living in the home with him. The first 2 years were GREAT but this year (year 3) he turned into someone we no longer know. BD wants his child to behave and get mentally healthy but I know he sees what everyone else sees and feels hopeless. I know when he looks at my SS he sees his ex-wife and it scares him. SS shares a lot of her traits.
The counselor suggested that I find my own place too but I have 3BC and really can't afford a place of my own. My husband and I have the opportunity to be together ALONE for 24 hours and I plan to discuss my thoughts and feelings. I really think SS needs to go to a daycare or camp for the summer. I asked the counselor for help and have contacted many community offices to get information for programs, special help, etc but everything has a hefty price. I feel I have done enough for SS but its not my child and really feel his BD needs to do his job.
My way of parenting is 360 degrees different than BD. I am a little more strict, definitely more hands-on and spend a lot of time talking to my children. I have done that since birth. I knew I had to put my children first....BD puts himself first.
My BC are 15, 13 & 11. I have a high schooler, jr high schooler and a 5th grader who require a lot of time and attention. They are becoming angry with SS because his drama is taking attention and time away from them. That is why I had to step away and all BD to take over.
Hopefully I can say what I need to say to my husband without offending him or causing a argument. I asked him if he liked the relationship he has with my children, he said yes he loves them with all his heart. They have a GREAT relationship and even call him DAD but that's because I placed boundaries from day one and made it clear that my children are my responsibility and he was to just love them, not be their Father. I wish I and He would have done the same with SS, I think my relationship with the child would be different.
I appreciate all the great advise and feel relieved to know other people share similar situations. I hate being a SM, always swore I would never have Step-Kids and I didn't want a SD for my children. Never say never, because Never always happens.
Welcome The next time you
Welcome
The next time you see your counselor, ask him/her for the names of some good therapists for angry kids. Also,ask her for the names of summer camps that he could go to for help.
When did BM go to prison? What did she subject SS to? It sounds like SS has seen a lot of crap in his short life. It also sounds like he is angry at the world. He's angry at his mom for killing someone and for making it so that she can't be active in his life. He probably sees what a good mom you are to your kids and really wishes he could have her be a good mom to him. He's angry that his mom's in prison for good. What kid wouldn't be?
DH should also call the Department of Corrections in your state and ask if they know of any support groups for kids with imprisoned parents. He can search Google to find some in your state for SS too.
A lot of people who go to prison are mentally ill. Does BM have a mental illness? If so, she could have passed it on to SS. It's something worth looking into.
You all are in my thoughts & prayers as you travel this long road ahead.
Thank you for sharing the
Thank you for sharing the book of Ecclesiastes. I will read them today, I know the Lord has something to share with me.
SS counselor gave me a few places to look into and even gave me the name of a special camp for boys with my SS issues. None of them my husband is willing to put SS in.
I cant force my husband to do something he is not willing to do. That's a BIG problem for us.
SS spent minimal time with BM during the time she was using drugs and murdered her daughter. He doesn't even remember what his BM looks like nor does he remember much of what happened during the short time he stayed with her. She was not mentally ill when she murdered her daughter, she killed her for $310K, which she could only obtain if the child died of natural causes.
I agree SS is very angry and I am sure he wishes he had a Mom like me BUT he doesnt. I tried for 7 years to be a Mother to him and he doesn't want it. However he does want it....makes no dang sense to me. Now I've just become cold and bitter and no longer want to be his Mom. I'm too embarrassed to even say he's one of mine. Everyone knows my SS and when they see him coming they run. He's "That Kid", the one everyone hates or finds annoying.
Your prayers are appreciated, we really need all we can get.
A counselor recommends
A counselor recommends sending him away? I'm not one to recommend run if you've already married, but I would seriously consider getting an apartment for me & my kids until this psychopath turns 18. I don't know if I would divorce or just live separately but I would not put my children at risk.
I'm not one to divorce
I'm not one to divorce either. I feel it would not solve anything and that it's admitting defeat. Plus sometimes I think my SS wants us to leave.
I lay in bed at night thinking I'll wake up one night and find my SS standing over me with a knife trying to kill me. I'm probably being paranoid but I can see SS doing something like that by the time he is 16.
Moving into my own place is something I think about daily, it just might come to fruition.
Wow-we are living parallel
Wow-we are living parallel lines as far as fear is concerned. I always lock my bedroom door now, after he told me he would use a knife to kill me. He is 7 and I told his Dad that as long as he doesn't become physical I would stay. Thankfully he is not that way with my BC. But she will be graduating in 3 years so hopefully he is able to get all of these issues in check before he gets much older. I'll be thinking of you!
I am so sorry that you are
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I am in a similar situation but the BM was killed in a car accident. My SS7 was in a similar situation as far as the drug use is concerned he could be found wondering alone or riding a bike on the road at 5 while his dad was working and his mother was "sleeping". He was the youngest and saw his oldest half brother being picked up from by the police, his one half sister doing God knows what with her boyfriends and his other half sister doing whatever she felt like (all children by BM). The hard part is at what point do you expect them to start doing the things they need to? My SS7's oldest half brother had a psychiatrist who told BM and my now husband "look until he decides to do the right thing (which he knows what it is) you all are wasting your money" is that what we are going to be dealing with too? All I can say is that I will be thinking of you! I know how hard this is. It makes you question yourself to the very core.
I realize you say you are
I realize you say you are getting this kid help but holy there are a whole slew of issues here. Split family mom is in jail(for killing his boi sister) sm hates him dads head is in the sand and nobody wants him around. I can see why the kid doesn't feel loved. He isn't. There are many times I can't stand my sc but I vent to my friends say what I want then push forward as their support. You don't always have to like your ss but as his motherly figure ( you chose to do) it is your job (and sometimes it's a real job) to be his cheerleader. Look at it from a foster child point of view. If foster parents reacted as you are now do you think the agency would accept that? I know you have all these emotions but YOU get to choose how YOU handle yourself. Your ss is a boy with some serious issues. You still have a chance to influence his future but until you change your attitude that boy has no hope in hell. Speak to the local children's aid society and see if you can take one of their foster parent courses to help you. I believe that with the right tools you can get through this. I am not down playing your feelings they are real and justified. I could go on forever but please put yourself in that boys shoes set the anger and emotions aside and take a deep breath. He NEEDS your love and support.
I also have a family
I also have a family thermometer 2 of them actually. My youngest and his youngest. I do know what you are going through trust me. We have days like that in our house too. It affects the whole family but as
Long as you choose to stay you choose to deal with it. I am sorry if I sound harsh but I am just trying to help you see that everyone needs someone to love and support them. How will he ever have a healthy future without a healthy past if everyone turns their backs?
I choose to stay because I
I choose to stay because I love my husband. I have spent 8 long years trying to help this child and think some children cannot be helped. That's a fact of life. I do support my husband and the way he wants to raise his child. I am supportive of the positive things that my SS does but WILL NOT support the negative. Stealing, hoarding, lying, fighting, etc are not worth cheering for. I get it, my SS has problems but don't we all? Everyone has something happen to them. You admit the problems, find solutions and move on in life.
All I really wanted was for my SS to go to a summer camp so I could emotionally rest from all the drama he's created over the last year. If I could get the break I need I think things would and could be different.
None of it really matters now. My husband backed me in a corner (figuratively speaking) and forced me to say how I felt. However I didn't get past "My feelings for SS are sensitive right now and I....." and he blew up. He's apparently taking over all parenting and I am the babysitter while he works and goes to school. Part of me is happy that this has happened but another part of me is sad because I hoped I could say what I needed to say.
Its only a matter of time (hearing the echo of clock ticking in the background)
Love all your responses and appreciate each of you for taking the time to write.