I just cannot do it anymore...

I've had it! After almost 5 years of trying, I've officially had it with my SS8. He spent 4 1/2 hours on having constant tantrums because he had to do some Summer homework that he only has to do because he slacked off so badly all year. All year long, he lied to his parents and his teachers about his homework, and it took them 'till the end of the year before they figured it out. He's always had Summer homework, which is needed but it's a pain for everyone.

So his dad tells him to do a simple page tonight right before he goes off to his midnight job. So guess who's left to hear about it all night! Honestly, the kid's always been such a drama queen. He throws himself on the floor, cries, screams, stomps, yells, calls people names, etc. all day long without much consequence. So you can imaging the night I had. One side of me wanted to say who gives a flying f*ck if he does it, while the parent side of me said that he needs to complete it as his father said.

I've tried disengaging, but when you have a brat constantly throwing tantrums in the home in front of the other kids, there's only so much you can take without responding.

Anyway, I've finally told his dad that SS8 needs to be on his schedule so that he's always home with him on his days off, and he's with his mom on the nights he works. I cannot do it anymore, and I shouldn't have to with my own baby and teenage son. We just shouldn't be treated like this; plain and simple. I've truly given it my all, and I'm done!

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Thanks for giving me a good

Thanks for giving me a good laugh this morning; I wish I had thought of that:)

We've given him every

We've given him every consequence imaginable, and this kid truly does not give a s*hit about it. He's the most unmotivated, lazy kid that I've ever had the mis-pleasure of meeting, and I used to work with kids his age at a youth center when I was younger.

The DH has a crazy schedule, so it's difficult. When he's working midnights on the two nights of the week that I have to deal with, he does leave it up to me. It just ends up being a contest to see who can outlast the other, when it should be simple homework.

Please keep in mind that this child had the entire day to get this done, and had in fact been told by DH to do so. He chose to slack off all day, and so DH decided that he needed to get it done at night...conveniently just before he left for work.

I had talk with DH this morning about it, and I've told him that I will have absolutely nothing to do with homework ever again. I told him that he needs to work with SS8 to get it done before I ever get home, even on days that he's off work, because no one in the house wants to listen to tantrums all night. I also told him that I have to completely disengage from SS8 at this point. I cannot do anything more for him, and it's affecting my own health. I won't go into detail, but I have some health issues that I have to maintain that involve a mass in my brain. This stress never helps, and I shouldn't have to put up with that behavior from anyone; especially an 8 year old brat!

OOOOH NO. Yeah, you don't

OOOOH NO. Yeah, you don't need that crap. You've earned complete stress free. I'm so sorry to hear about your heath issues.

Thanks guys. I really

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your concern. So far nothing's growing, so they want to leave it where it is because it's right smack-dab in the middle. What a pain. My BD(almost 1) and BS14 give me a lot of joy though. She's such a great baby girl, and he's a wonderful young man There's no way to pity myself when I see them laugh and smile together:)

I just wish SS8 would get his act together. I'll be honest; my son would never act like that, because I'd never let him. As my son said to a friend on Facebook after they suggested he skip school, "No, I can't do that. My mom's strict.".

Gotta love it:)

That's actually what I did

That's actually what I did StepAside. He went to his room after the first 30 minutes of tantrums, and stayed up there. I ignored all of the banging, knocking, yelling, etc. until about the 4th hour. He kept coming out of his room to tell me he didn't want to do it, and I had to keep telling him to go back upstairs. I kept my cool for quite awhile, until he decided to stare me down on the stairs and tell me that he was doing nothing. All I had to do was stand up in the direction of the stairs, and he'd quickly go back upstairs. It still didn't work. But I've chosen to disengage at this point, and focus on my own children who are well-behaved. If he continues to lag behind in school, that's SS*, DH, and BM's problem, not mine!

Wow, Foxie. Throwing a

Wow, Foxie.

Throwing a bucket of water on a s'kid? Hmm, I haven't read about that in any parenting books. Imagine how would you feel if someone did that to your kid, or if a teacher did that to a student at school. I would be furious, nevermind the kid screaming. You'd definately be hearing about it from me if it was my kid.

Steppingsucks, you might try picking SS8 up and hugging him, give him some (positive) attention he so desperately needs. The experts say consistincy is the key in parenting. Try empathizing with his frustration and talk about a small goal, and explain how giving up won't do any good.

Also, It could be the homework is hard (learning disability? ED?) or he's just having a hard(er) time coping and adjusting to your household. You could have SS8 in summer school to help get caught up in his studies. You wouldn't give up so easily if SS8 were your own bio kid. Well he is yours now (by marriage) and he is your kid to raise.

Some of my kids homework is difficult and very time consuming, anywhere from 1 - 4 hours long. If I may be honest, sometimes it's too hard even for me! And many a time I had to work a full time job, cook, clean, wash clothes, check homework until 11:00pm. It's not easy.

Most kids pick up on your resentments. The namecalling (brats) is so juvenile on your part. You wanted to get married, you wanted these kids to love and protect like your own, now deal with it... constructively. Do your best and if it fails, keep trying. You get the bad with the good like everybody else in real life. Bio parents don't have it any easier with kids than blended families.

drivingmissdaily, I wish that

drivingmissdaily, I wish that I lived in your rose-colored glasses sort of world, but I do not. I live in the real world, and that's why I'm a realist. I have attempted to co-parent this child for almost 5 long years so far to no avail. We have tried everything. Things didn't start out this way, when BM lived far away. But once she moved back and started having him 1/2 of the time, his behavior and attitude quickly emulated his mother's. I've tried positive attention, reward systems, counseling, etc., and nothing has worked on this child. When you have a child who is absolutely unmotivated to do anything, including learning how to ride a bike, there's only so much you can do. You must understand that again, he's emulating his unmotivated, part-time working while on welfare, bitchy mother! There's only so much anyone can do in that situation.

I would like to have thought of SS8 as my own child, by alas, he is not. That's of his own choosing, not mine. And I've accepted that. Maybe you need to read the Disengaging Essay to get a further understanding of what parents sometimes need to do when dealing with a difficult child *and* and a non-supportive DH: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

I guess you think that everything's cookie-cutter. Just give him a hug in the middle of his tantrum, and everything will be fine. And if MY kid was acting like this, he's already be in a boot camp to correct his attitude. I have two bio's, and they both act properly. That's because I was raised in the military, and we were taught from birth that you never disrespect your parents. So you can take your stone, and stop throwing it at your own glass house.

Have a nice day.

I'm pretty sure I'm keeping

I'm pretty sure I'm keeping the water bucket idea in my back pocket. Thanks Foxie!

Drivingmissdaisy - glad to

Drivingmissdaisy - glad to see after being a member of the site for 2 weeks, you have the answers for everyone's situation.

If ALL kids were raised with Foxie's methods, there wouldn't be HALF the disrespect, petty criminal activity and drug use that there is now.

Although I think that SOME of your advice is right - in certain situations - you are coming across as a Holier Than Thou type that usually annoys other posters.

Oh for crying out loud.

DMD, "The experts say

DMD,

"The experts say consistency is the key in parenting" and you are absolutely right.

Consistent DISCIPLINE not CODLING.

A parents job is to be a child’s Mentor, Example, Confidante, Advocate and .... DISCIPLINARIAN!

Setting expectations of behavior and performance and holding the kid accountable for compliance is the key to consistency and successfully raising a kid to viable adulthood.

I absolutely give the on the scene parent the benefit of the doubt as to what they have tried with that kid and in this case I think a bucket of water over the head is the least corporal option. I would drop the kid's drawers and blister their bare ass with a belt every time they threw a tantrum (age appropriately of course). Go outside and scream your head off, punch a tree, etc... but no kid will ever be allowed to pull this kind of crap in my home or in proximity to me or any one else without corporal consequences.

As for effective parenting and buckets of water..... My mother very effectively used pitchers of ice water to get my brothers and I out of bed when we did not move when she asked us to move. There is nothing like being shocked from a deep sleep by being doused with a pitcher of ice water after mom has asked you to get your ass out of bed a couple of times and get started on the chores.

Rather than dealing with unacceptable kid behavior "constructively" I prefer to deal with it EFFECTIVELY.

A parent, step or bio, knows their kid and that kid's issues and if the positive feedback, coddling and spoiling will work for that kid. I maintain that that coddling and spoiling never works ... on any kid to get appropriate behavior and to raise that kid to viable adulthood.

Some kid’s do respond to positive feedback and recognition, some kids just get how to be successful … others need to be taught how to be successful and what is appropriate, inappropriate and what will be tolerated and what won’t be.

I the case of my SS-18 positive feedback and recognition absolutely did not work with him and in fact would cause him to decrease his performance. He abhors attention and is mortified to be given an award in front of his school for high performance so .... he blended at the bottom of the middle where he was absolutely sure not to have to be embarrassed in front of his peers or groups of people.

To fix this the only thing that we found that worked was abject misery. So, when he did not behave appropriately or perform to his ability we made his life a living hell and ensured that he experienced the abject misery which was the only thing we found that consistently motivated him.

We helped with his homework when he had difficulty but when he "forgot" to turn it in repeatedly, be made damned sure that he was miserable.

We were very active parents, we went to every PTC, every school or extracurricular function, we were on him like stink on shit for appropriate grades, appropriate behavior and good decisions.

He is now doing very well in the USAF and we continue to have a very close family relationship.

He knows we have his back and he also knows how to make effective decisions and to resolve issues on his own because we gave him no choice but to learn how to be a viable adult.

So, I say when all else fails ... get the water bucket and the belt or paddle and learn your kid how to behave appropriately and perform to their ability.

IMHO of course.

Nicely put rags, as usual

drivingmissdaisy, she said

drivingmissdaisy, she said she's been doing this for 5 years, and has tried everything at this point. i think she's past the point of patting the kid on the head and cuddling with him. that doesnt motivate him to learn, nor does it accomplish what she needs done as well. she is working against a kid with issues, a part time bm who obviously doesnt care if her kid grows into a stable adult, and a guilty daddy. what she needs is some real, honest solutions. if you have any to offer, that would be great. its why we're all here, to learn, and make our situations better.

A driving force/catalyst in a dad turns disney guiltybiodad/spoiledstepkid/puppeteerPASinator BM trinity