Adult step son wants to move back in
I have 4 step kids and 2 grown sons of my own. I've been married for 2 1/2 years, we dated for 5 years. My oldest step son is 20 and on drugs. He moved out of state 4 months ago and now wants to move back. A little history: 'P' we'll call him, dropped out of school, and lived with his mother most of the time. He stole from her, including his own brothers new school clothes, and sold all of the items for drug money. His mother threw him out so we let him stay with us rather than on the street. I offered to help him get counseling, I offered to take him to get his GED, I offered to help him find a job, and I even offered to give him money if he needed it for things like cigarettes. He stole from us shortly after that and sold all of our video games for drug money. He never apologized, hell he never even admitted to doing anything wrong. So of course we were elated to find out he wanted to move out of state to live with friends and, yes, he did have a job lined up. Well things didnt work out and his friends got tired of paying P's way through life. Now he wants to come back. One of the teenage boys lives with us, the other with his mom, and my P's twin sister has her own apartment. None of them want P back. I talked to my husband and expressed how much I did not want P back in our house. How I didnt want to have to hide my purse and lock my bedroom door again. How I never wanted to be scared of him or his friends coming in during the night and murder us in our sleep for the change in our pockets. Well my husbands comment was "He's going to live with his mom, but I can't guarantee that he'll never come over here". P's facebook status said he'll have a "jam spot" (he's supposedly in a band now) at his dad's and that he'll be living in our basement.
I'm having fantasies about leaving and moving to Florida with my kids at this point.
What am I supposed to do? I love my husband. I appreciate that he doesnt want his kids to suffer, but P needs to grow up and face the consequences of his actions.
Do I give my husband an ultimatium? Do I just stay quiet? Or do I move to Florida and start again?
HELP!
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I have similar situation and
I have similar situation and yes my DH got the ultimatum - either SS 21 lives here or me. I was fully prepared to leave. There is no way I was living with a drug addict. He has been in and out of rehab for the last year. My DH finally saw the light after he found out SS had lied again (what a shock). Had a long talk with DH about enabling.
My SS21 is moving back close to us after 5th round of rehab. I told my DH I will have nothing to do with him and he is not allowed in the house. Your DH can guarantee it - tell the kid he is not welcome, have the locks changed. My SS stayed with us for 1 night before last round of rehab - I could not sleep, and I could tell he was using. It was terrible. He just sat there and spewed his bull crap.
It is not about the kid suffering - you cannot enable the kid. Needs to hit rock bottom.
I know my SS moving back is going to be a train wreck - his enabling BM is setting up in a apt and bought him a car. What a mess. Two months the kid will be back in rehab.
Do not let him your house, once he is in will be harder to get rid of him. Did he ever even go to rehab?
No he's never been in rehab.
No he's never been in rehab. His parents dont think it's that big of a problem. Your right about the enabling, by my DH and his BM. My husbands remarks to me are usually, would you let your kid... blah blah blah. Well my kids arent on drugs, and when they did mess up they had to deal with it. My kid lived in his car for two weeks because he got thrown out and yet didnt want to give up on life and move home with mommy. And now he's 26 and has his own business and is doing fantastic.
I wish I could get my husband to realize you learn by falling and getting back up and trying again, not by your parents picking you up and babying you all the time.
Thank you. My DH and I
Thank you. My DH and I definately have to talk tonight. I wont live in fear of this kid. I wont let him disrupt our home. The rest of the kids should not suffer for the indescretions of this one... who will never appreciate what we do for him anyway. Thank you guys.
Adding my story to the list
Adding my story to the list here. My SS lived with us for a year, stole, lied, left, and came back. Drugs. Finally went to rehab and has been clean for more than a year. Totally different kid.
Allowing this behavior will just lead to more of the same. My DH did exactly that -- didn't want to face the fact that his son had a drug problem. Believed his son at every apology, forgave every lie. Made excuses for his behavior. I totally understand that but it enabled my SS to keep doing drugs, lying, stealing, and taking advantage of everyone in sight.
When SS was living with us I finally had enough of the lies and stolen money that I told DH I was done. It was a wakeup call that I should have made way sooner.
No way should he be allowed
No way should he be allowed back in your home. He will just continue his crap. My parents have let my brother do the same thing forever now. They too lock up their wallets in a safe. Why live like that?! I don't understand why my parents allow it. Tough love is in order. Don't let SS run your life.
The best way to help a drug
The best way to help a drug addict is to love them enough to let them hit rock bottom and sometimes rock bottom is living on the streets. If you do let this drug addict live with you and your minor children you deserve to lose custody of your kids. Sorry thats harsh but I have zero tolerance for drug addicts. The other entitled behavior irks the heck out of me but I would put my foot down on the addict.
Agree^^^^^^ Any help right
Agree^^^^^^ Any help right now is called enabling and will only prolong the problem.
My DH and I talked last night
My DH and I talked last night about this. SS20 was on the train, on his way home (I wasnt aware that he was coming last night), but he went straight to his mothers. He will not be living with us. He may visit for a few hours, but I was told that he will not be spending the night - ever. My DH said he hasn't given SS cash in a long time (but he gives gift cards to grocery stores/Walmart, which I know SS sells for drug money). But anyway, the bottom line is that he wont be staying with us. We even got rid of the bedroom furniture in the extra bedroom so he doesnt have a place to sleep. SS does not have a key and we changed the code for the garage door.
I dont have guarantees from DH that it SS wont have a chance to screw us over again, but I do have a strong will and a loud voice - and believe me, I will do everything in my power to keep this kid from ruining our happy home.
Sounds like the conversation
Sounds like the conversation went very well. I hope things work out for you but it sounds like you and your DH are on the same page which is great news.
My SS is not even allowed in house right now. He will need to show some signs that he is willing to support himself. The last time he was in the house he conned money out to me - I was so mad at myself so I decided I would never put myself in that situation again.
I agree with Step Aside this generation just expects everything handed to them.