You are here

I'm new, to this site, to being married, to being a stepmom . . . geez that's a lot

DaisyMae's picture

Submitted by DaisyMae on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 1:21pm

Hello,

This is my first entry. I'm somewhat newly married, 18 months ago. My DH has 2 sons from his previous marriage, 11 and 14. Up until a few weeks ago they lived with their BM, with us every other weekend and every other week in the summer. SS14 has been having significant behavioral problems, not going to school, disrespet to BM, and from what I've read, he has an extreme case of online video game addiction. He now has moved in with us FT. BM not happy about it, but social worker said either do it or she'd take her to court. BM didn't want to risk losing the 11 year old, so she gave in.

I'm trying to figure out what my role is. My DH asks my advice all the time, but never follows any of it. I believe he is too soft on him, and I express that to him, but he says we are dealing with bigger issues and it's going to take baby steps. I understand that and appreciate it, but does that mean I have to allow the kid to leave his dirty dishes all over the house, have a disgusting dirty room, leave towels on floor, leave the kitchen a mess.

Last night I told DH I was going to send him to pick up the food wrappers he left near the computer and he told me no, they'd have a house cleaning the next night. So doest that mean I have no authority to ask him to do anything? I don't know if I can do that. I'm not a neat freak, but I don't want to live in a filthy place either

I'm really in a confusing time right now. I know how concerned and worried DH is right now about his son and it seems selfish to talk to him about my concerns. But why not start things out right instead of trying to recover later??

Appreciate any thougts, ideas, experience etc!! Thanks!

Comments

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 2:04pm

You DO have a say. And you need to speak up to your dh now before they all run all over you. Tell dh you need to set rules since you now have new housemates. Talk to him and the two of you news to figure out basic house rules immediately- clean up after yourselves, set chores, etc. They are old enough to know better.Then you need to talk to dh about what role he wants you to play- silent or active parent. Then establish what that means- do you get to enforce rules and discipline or does dh wantto handle that all? Is dh goin to lay most of skid responsibility on you?

Sure dh wants to take 'baby steps' but his kid isn't a baby. Basic house rules and respect are not things that you work towards. Those are things that must start immediately. The 'bigger' issues will require baby steps and patience, but the little things do not need time. Ifyou don't implement rules now then ss will expect there are no rules and will never follow any should you try to implement them in the future. The sooner you set rules and talk to ss about them the better.

This is your home too. You should not feel like an outsider and you do have a voice. Speak up befkre it's too late.

Tryingtobeproactivestepmom's picture

Submitted by Tryingtobeproac... on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 4:09pm

It is your house as well as your husband's and if you are going to help your son together then it has to work both ways.

I would sit down with your husband with a check list of house rules and go through them together and discuss what you will provide your son with. If he continues to be a soft parent, the son will walk all over all of you. You have a say, you are Not being selfish!

Take a stand, stand firm.....

doll faced sm's picture

Submitted by doll faced sm on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 6:11pm

but does that mean I have to allow the kid to leave his dirty dishes all over the house, have a disgusting dirty room, leave towels on floor, leave the kitchen a mess.

In a word: NO!
Let him have his disgusting room; take steps to protect your floors, give him a basic bed frame and probably a used matress or cover the matress with a plastic matress cover, 2nd hand furniture/bedding/window covering. Since he's already demonstrated that he's such a slob, just plan on everything being ruined that you cannot cover/protect by the time he moves out.

Everything else, though, is common to all members of the household; he should not be able to ruin those areas to everyone else. Go crazy, be a b!tch, do what you need to do, but protect your home and your sanity. Also, if this doesn't improve very soon, start looking at some of the blogs/posts on this site having to do with disengaging; you may need to do in order to get DH to pull his head out of his nether region.