I'm mad too.
So guess whose job is gone? Yup BM. The person she was "care-taking" died. And she's so devastated that she needs a "get-away" long weekend, and wants me to have the kids an extra day that they are off from school. Yes - me specifically - because she knows DH has to work, including the weekend. I figure she's taking the weekend to plan her strategy on how to get more money out of DH. Great timing too, with baby coming soon.
What's worse is that everybody, DH's family included seems to think that I should just pop this baby out and then head out to work ASAP so that he can be relieved of his financial burdens. And all I can think about is how he provided 100% financially for BM to stay at home almost their entire marriage, and the resentment is just growing in me.
And I'm so pissed at DH right now, just finished a weekend where he made and changed plans with BM but never bothered to update me, just had me sitting around there like a jack-ass.
Then he had the nerve to even talk about being able to afford a house soon, and what kind of house WE have to have, because of HIS kids and HIS personal needs. This house thing is going to be a HUGE ISSUE. I have never owned a house and it is a big, memorable deal for me and he's done the house thing about 3 times already with BM. And we can't afford a damn house anyway. I would have to be working and paying for it. Of course, BM never worked and never paid a cent toward any of the houses they had, but hey, I have to, just as soon as I can pop this baby out.
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Since bm isn't working now
Since bm isn't working now she can take care of her own kids while dh is at work and u can stay home w your baby. Dhs family has nothing to say about your working or not.
Hey stepmom31. Vent away -
Hey stepmom31.
Vent away - there are many people here that can relate to your dilemma. Especially these:
(regarding your "obligation" to immediately return to work after having YOUR baby): "...And all I can think about is how he provided 100% financially for BM to stay at home almost their entire marriage, and the resentment is just growing in me."
(regarding your "obligation" to contribute financially to a new home): "...And we can't afford a damn house anyway. I would have to be working and paying for it. Of course, BM never worked and never paid a cent toward any of the houses they had, but hey, I have to, just as soon as I can pop this baby out."
I don't know the background of your whole situation (sorry I have to go back to read your previous posts), but I felt compelled to respond due to the topic.
Have you tried actually discussing this with your DH? Sounds crazy, but I did. A few years ago (while we were dating & before we got engaged), I actually ASKED HIM why it is that BM was allowed/able to NOT WORK (or work very little, odd jobs, when she felt like it) during their marriage and not financially contribute to the marriage?!? I was honestly STUMPED by how this happened. Didn't make any sense to me, since I personally have ALWAYS worked my entire adult life - and even since I was a young girl - and my FDH has the EXACT same work ethic that I do - hard worker, works many, many long hours to support his kids.
His answer? "Well, she didn't have a high school diploma when we met. She only got her GED because I had to explain to her how difficult it was for me to financially support us myself (oh, I forgot to mention that she had a 2 y.o. baby from another man when they started dating, by the way, which she also wanted my FDH to support) and that she needed her GED to get a job. Fast forward a few years, we got married & had FSD (now 16) and she wanted to stay at home. I agreed to that, but just for the first couple of years. Then we had FSS (now 13) and she wanted to stay at home to raise the kids. So I just agreed and worked 2-3 jobs so she would be able to stay at home and raise the kids (he had legally adopted her out-of-wedlock son from another man once my FDH married her)."
I just literally sat there speechless, scratching my head. Mainly because we were having this convo right when they were finishing their divorce and get this...she was trying to TAKE ALL OF HIS MONEY, HIS ASSETS (including his house & $$$ he had from BEFORE their marriage), HIS PENSION, etc.... in the divorce!!!!! Boy, talk about NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED, HUH????
I used to be SOOOOOO frustrated with this topic. We get the man AFTER the divorce/breakup, the man that is now obligated to pay MASSIVE CS$$$ (even though we share true 50/50 custody with BM), and we are basically looked at as "Golddiggers" if we're not out there working 24/7 and contributing 50% to everything because of what the BM/exW did to them?!?!? I DON'T THINK SO!!!!
I told FDH at that point, that that was the MOST RIDICULOUS THING I ever heard!! You had a MUCH LOWER income back then (when he was first married to her & having the skids), yet you just "agreed" to her staying home to raise the kids?!?! Hello??? That makes absolutely NO SENSE whatsoever. I call it as I see it: she took advantage of him and HE LET HER!! "For the sake of the kids" (TM). And look where THAT got ya' buddy????
I've always taken a harsh position on this with my FDH - and IT WORKS!!! You HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF!!! You are NOT FINANCIALLY OBLIGATED TO SUPPORT CHILDREN THAT AREN'T YOURS!!!! BOTTOM LINE. PERIOD. END OF SENTENCE!
My FDH has known since we met (over 7 years ago) that I have my own business and I've always worked LONG hours and made a decent income. HOWEVER, I do NOT financially support children that aren't MINE (fskids are fsd16 & fss13 now). When I agreed to move in with him, I told him, SORRY - you paid all the bills for your house, mortgage, utilities, massive CS$$ to BM, etc... BEFORE I moved in, so you will continue to do so. I will NOT be the "Bank of Milomom" just because of his financial obligations to BM/skids. Too bad - if you're having a hard time with money, go back to court with BM to have your massive CS$$ lowered or take it up with HER (as she's the one that's "draining" his financial situation, NOT ME!). As a matter of fact, the only thing I agreed to do in the beginning was to go food shopping (and pay for it) - that was my financial contribution. Recently, I've started paying some of the utility bills, too. My position: that's nice of me and the right thing to do, but I don't HAVE to do it.
However, with that said, IF I WANTED TO "QUIT" WORKING TOMORROW (granted, FDH knows I'd NEVER do that), I COULD!! Yes, we are a TEAM, yes, we do everything to support each other, BUT you have to "draw the proverbial line in the sand" with these men and their "previously enjoyed families" (TM - credit to Auteur)...or they'll just put YOU in the position of having to pay, pay, pay...all the while the BM will just sit back & not work - and they won't EXPECT her to, either, if you're sitting there paying for everything at YOUR house, KWIM??? Why should BM be able to sit back & not work (or work part-time when she feels like it)? Those are HER kids, also, SHE should be financially obligated to support them - NOT YOU!!!
I'm sorry stepmom31, I didn't mean to "hijack" your post - and I know that I'm "all over the place" with this reply. I just feel so strongly about this issue in second marriages/stepfamilies that it's hard for me to put this into words in an organized way.
My advice to you: STAND YOUR GROUND! Don't worry about or concern yourself with DH's family or anyone ELSE "expecting" things of you after you give birth. Your relationship and your business is between you & your DH - and NO ONE ELSE. Also, don't feel obligated to "hop out of the maternity ward" and go right back to work, just because of your DH's situation with his kids. If HE WANTS (or feels that he needs) a bigger house, then tell him HE CAN PAY FOR IT!!! Take your time, make sure that you guys are in a financial position that you can actually AFFORD a new house - and then go forward with that.
Once again, the old Milomom mantra bears repeating (and in this situation, I have abided by it myself):
YOU WILL ONLY BE TREATED THE WAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED!!
Good luck, stepmom31!! I can totally relate to you - great post!!
I have to say, I read every
I have to say, I read every single word you wrote (twice) and I was stunned. The exact thoughts running through my mind were "Somebody actually gets it!!!" You sooooooooooooooooo get it.
Yep, stepmom31, I get it
Yep, stepmom31, I get it alright. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. I TOTALLY and completely understand why you're so mad. You need to stand up for yourself and DEMAND to be treated well - what was good for his exW/BM when THEY were married, is at LEAST as good (if not more) for YOU in your marriage.
This is the source of all of your frustration and resentment that is building - I can guarantee it.
Stand your ground. When decisions have to be made in your marriage, think about what's good for YOU, YOUR MARRIAGE, YOUR NEW BABY, YOUR FAMILY - what everyone else thinks or says is simply irrelevant. IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.
It's so ridicuolus how some of these men are so damned "stuck in the past" and worrying about making sure that their "previously enjoyed families" are happy, that they just TOTALLY MISS THE BOAT with the people who love them in their PRESENT LIFE.
You know, looking back at my life, I can say that I was almost NEVER A SELFISH PERSON - until I entered this relationship and encountered this whole stepfamily/second marriage phenomenon...and until I found StepTalk. I had to learn that sometimes, it's OK to be "selfish" - not in a bad way, but more of in a "self-preservation" way, KWIM??
In my previous relationships/friendships, I was pretty much known for ALWAYS doing everything to help OTHERS and putting myself & my needs almost last. I've always worked hard to EARN the things I have now, to fulfill my own dreams. Never had much help from others, nor did I expect any. I've always been involved in "give and receive" types of relationships in the past.
I've learned a whole lot about being in a relationship with a divorced man with children. I was the "old" Milomom (i.e. giving, caring, selfless) during the first few years...know where it got me?? You guessed it, not very far not very fast.
Nowadays...sorry. I'm still nice and caring, but I look out for MYSELF and MY RELATIONSHIP, MY FUTURE WITH FDH, MY DREAMS, MY WANTS, MY GOALS FIRST. And I'm proud to say I learned more from some of the awesome women here on this website over the past 1 year or so than I have my entire life. Think about it, do you REALLY think for ONE MINUTE that BM or skids or IL's are REALLY thinking about YOUR FAMILY'S best interests??? Or their own?? Hmmmmmm......food for thought.
For me, it works. ME FIRST, then FDH, then skids. It doesn't allow BM/exW to take advantage of FDH as much as she used to anymore....trust me, she gets ENOUGH from him (us) as it is.
Stepmom31, I just went back
Stepmom31, I just went back and read some of your previous posts (not all).
Wow, we have a lot in common!!! It's amazing how some of us here are literally living "parallel lives"!!!
Oh, I feel for you ladies. I
Oh, I feel for you ladies. I had no check when I was on maternity leave and my spouse totally left me hanging. He covered his bills and all mine were late or I had to pull money out of savings to cover them. He said he had no money but was able to buy his child a nice Christmas gift and gave me nothing. What a great way to say I love you and thank you for giving me a son!