redzants@yahoo.com's picture

How step children can cause friction in your marriage.

So here's the scenario: A couple is happily married. The woman has a child who lives with the new couple. The husband has had children from a previous relationship. The husband's children have not accepted their father's new wife. And there is always friction. How does the wife deal with this situation to command respect from these children while avoiding bring friction into their union? What should the husband's role in all this?

StepAside's picture

1st of all, unless you want

1st of all, unless you want every bot on the planet sending you ads, I'd change your name here.

The wife is not able to command a belch from her stepchildren. The sooner she figures that out, the more at peace she will be.

The husband is either a part of a union or he is not. If he is, he may have a good head on his shoulders in terms of parenting. If he is not, he is on his way to destroying everyone and everything in this scenario.

The last thing this society needs are more entitled Lindsey Lohans, and that's what he'll get if he gives his kids the idea that they are entitled and empowers them over you... even with his silence.

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Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

dtzyblnd's picture

The husband should be the

The husband should be the facilitator, the bridge. The husband and the wife should present a united front and support each other 110% in front of the kids. Even if they disagree, they support each other. That's the only way it's going to work for the best happy scenario.

If the husband doesn't want to support and takes the kids sides, disengage, don't bother trying to be a parent to them, it's not going to do anything but cause you to be the bad guy and to blame for everything. Disengage, be his wife and let him deal with his kids.

That's my experience so far. I'm a full time step mom to an eight year old that hasn't had a mom, his BM left when he was 18 mos old and his dad is a guilt dad. So, if I try to be a mom, it's ok as long as i'm not correcting him and hurting his feelings. I gave up caring. Let the kid destroy the house, mess his room up, refuse to do chores and homework. And let DH deal with it. Much easier on me because I don't have to be the bad guy. I'm not involved in it. Can't blame me!

And pray. That's about all the advise I have.

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****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!

Noturbabysmama's picture

I totally disagree with your

I totally disagree with your comment that it's okay for the kid to "destroy the house, refuse to do chores". This is YOUR home with your husband and they are the children regardless of who gave birth. Why does everyone talk about disengaging here? They are children who will someday be adults. It is the role of ALL the adults in their life to give them the tools they need to succeed in life. There isn't a college, job, roommate, significant other who will not expect them to contribute their fair share. It is our job, all of our jobs to teach them by example. Disengaging is not the answer. I expect no more from my SC than I expect from my BC. Period!

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Lou

Echo's picture

Another one of "those" people

Another one of "those" people who thinks it "takes a village" to raise a kid? *insert eye roll here*

It does not. It takes that childs two PARENTS. The Stepparent is under NO obligation to raise kids who disrespect them, intentionally set out to destroy their lives, lie, cheat and steal. Self preservation sometimes is the name of the game.

"Everyone" talks about disengaging here because we've dealt with years and years of abuse. And NO ONE has to tolerate that just because the thug dealing the abuse is someone elses kid.

If your skids are perfect, rock on. Be that perfect Stepford wife/Step Mom. But for some of us, it's a harder path that I would guess you probably have no concept of. I remember being a new SM...all Pollyanna, we're all going to be one big happy family. I'll effect positive change in their lives, we'll be the perfect blended family, we'll hold hangs and sing Kumbaya and ...barf. Reality hit.

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If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

StepAside's picture

Ahhh yet another post

Ahhh yet another post referring to what the children are "entitled" to.

Children really are "entitled" to correction from adults. From all adults.... well, except their stepmothers.

—

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

stormabruin's picture

Perhaps the SP is under no

Perhaps the SP is under no obligation to raise kids who disrespect them, but if self-preservation is the name of the game, does that not include making our homes OURS? If my DH refused to parent his children while they were in OUR home, I wouldn't hesitate to step in & demand courtesy & respect for me in my home. THAT is part of self-preservation.

Thankfully my DH is not a guilty parent & hasn't been in the time I've known him. I can't imagine living in a house with stepkids ruling & me not speaking up. In that case, I'm allowing them to run my home.

DH & I have rules for our home. We expect each other to follow them, & anyone who enters is expected to follow them as well. Top of the list are RESPECT & COURTESY. We pick up after ourselves. If kids are in your home, parent or not, that gives you the authority to enforce the rules. Otherwise you're turning your home over to the kids.

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"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

bioandstep2009's picture

Where is the LIKE button when

Where is the LIKE button when you need it. LIKE this comment very much! I think if one is truly able to disengage, that's great but I can't seem to do it totally. I wish I could be indifferent but I just can't. I certainly can't let SS do whatever the hell he wants while I am under the same roof and if DH does not correct him on something, I will certainly do it if I'm witness to whatever behavior needs correcting. I'm home with him in the afternoons since I work from home so I've had to put my foot down, enforce rules and correct behavior. As far as I'm concerned, he's a kid, I'm the adult and there is a hierarchy to be followed in our house, step parent or not. DH has the same authority over my DD as well. Now, at BM and her hubby's house, she has 3 stepkids full time plus SS EOWE and she does the completely separate parenting even in the face of gross disrespect from the skids. It's an "inmates running the asylum" situation over there!

paul_in_utah's picture

Don't feed the troll. At

Don't feed the troll. At least not until the troll has walked a few thousand miles in my shoes.....

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Free-range parenting means step-kids never having to say they're sorry.

Jsmom's picture

Disengaging for many of us

Disengaging for many of us protects our sanity. When we continuously try and assist in parenting these kids and get slammed for it, we have to disengage. I disengaged when things got so bad, it was either that or my DH would be divorced a second time. Even being disengaged, we still argue over BM and her lack of parenting and my husbands continually not trying to rock the boat.

Disengaging doesn't mean that we are mean to these kids, we just chose not to parent them. We continually repeat to ourselves when they do things that our bio's are not allowed to do, "Not my Kid". It helps and unless you have beaten your head against the wall against a spouse and a BM who want you to take care of their kid, but have no say in how you do it, Disengaging is all we have.

I didn't give birth to these kids and I should not have to take care of them. Trust me if I did, they would not be the people DH and BM have created.

Echo's picture

Bravo, Jsmom. Very well

Bravo, Jsmom. Very well said...

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If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

MomAtHome05's picture

I have to agree here,

I have to agree here, although it is sad to have to disengage at all. I never thought it would be like this, and to be honest, I can't just 'not care' fully. That is not my personality. But I have to tune out to a degree or go insane with my 2 sd's. They fully hate me and hubby does correct them but not as much as I would like or I do with my children.

Done WIth It's picture

One can't demand respect from

One can't demand respect from anyone. It must be earned.

There are people easy to get along, there are people who aren't easy to get along. What do you do with people yoy're uncomfortable with, you stay clear of them.

On top of so many young people feeling entitled and they're being damn near being royalty, anything you do with the father is taking something away from them. They'll want your lifestyle and what you have. IT's a fact of life. They are envious of you and not going to allow any joy, because they feel they're doing without while you and DH are enjoying life.

They're like anyone else with the mind set. Not good to be around. So when in their company, you remain cordial during their antics, you love the man, so you're courteous to his children. But it ends there. You owe them nothing but being considerate. When they mess that over, they've earned nothing.

This doesn't get better. People are what they are. They're either nice, or they're envious. Envious is very difficult to be around. So just cope with it and keep enjoying your life. None of us are promised the ideal life. So get out of your marriage what you can and try to stay cool around the unhappies.

StepAside's picture

I agree with everything you

I agree with everything you wrote, except the part about earning respect. You can't earn that with stepchildren either. You can't be overly nice and win them over. You can't ever give them correction, or you're a royal bitch. You can't own things, because you are spending their father's money. You can't win, plain and simple. And if the father is burdened with guilt, he can't stop his children from lashing out at his wife.

When you raise children with no expectations, they grow up to treat adults like hell. The stepmother is just their training ground. There is nothing she can do to turn it around. The mentality that is in need of repair is the children's issues of entitlement and insecurity.

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Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

Echo's picture

"command respect", eh? I

"command respect", eh? I think I see the genesis of your problem.

StepAside and Done With It are right. You can't "command" anything. You can live a life worthy of respect and they'll either respect you or they won't. If they don't, there's not much you can do about it. I fully remember my ex husband...with his hands around my neck, shoving me against a wall...screaming at me "You WILL respect me". Snort. Not likely, asswipe. The more he "commanded" it, the less of it he got.

If someone shows you no respect, don't do business with them. They don't have to respect you, but I would never allow them to mistreat you, either. And, if they do...that's up to their Dad to address and stop.

He's their Dad. THAT'S his "role in all this". He should be 100% parent, you should be 0% involved if they are disrespectful to you or if there is "friction". He needs to insist that they treat you kindly and that they follow the house rules, etc. When they're in your home, treat them as temporary guests...be cordial, but keep your distance and do NOTHING for them. The raising of his kids is HIS responsibility...

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

StepAside's picture

"Successful relationships are

"Successful relationships are based on mutual respect." My favorite quote.

Many stepchildren don't care to have a successful relationship with their own parents, nonetheless their stepparents. So what's the motivation to treat others with respect? Zero! Almost every interaction I have with my OSD involves her having no boundaries. And she's clueless. Thinks I make a big deal out of nothing. Of course! She flat out sees no reason not to screw with me, my marriage, and does whatever the hell she pleases. Don't cross her and life is grand. And she'll screw with me every time I see her. Gee, like she'd agree to those terms. She's not going to stop, she's not motivated to.

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Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

MomAtHome05's picture

I couldn't agree more!

I couldn't agree more!

AVR1962's picture

That is one loaded question!

That is one loaded question! I think the biggest factor in making the relationship work comes from the bio parents and I do mean both of them. They chose to divorce and they each need to do what it takes to respect the other one's new life and make it as good for the children to go from one home to the next but that only seems to happen in the most ideal sitautions. if you do not have the bio parents support you can anticipate problems. You do have the right to make the rules, discuss these with your husband, the boundaries you will draw and ask him what his expectations are.

I'll give you a quick example.....married husband who had custody of his sons and I had custody of my daughters. Bio mom was extrememly difficult, filled the boys' with lies and reaped heart with hate. I, on the other hand eventhought my ex was not easy to deal with, told the kids they had 2 dads and 2 moms and I expected my girls to respect their father as well as their stepmom, and stepdad. When the girls would complain about their stepmom I did not side with the girls nor did I tear my ex's wife down, I never confronted her. Even after she and my ex divorced after nearly 20 years of marriage I openly gave her thanks on Mother's Day for her part in mothering my children. Today the girls are 25 and 30 and have a good relationship with both their steps and both their bios. The boys on the other hand ahve been extrememly angry, full of blame and only get along with bio mom.

MomAtHome05's picture

That is my standing here, as

That is my standing here, as far as my stepdaughters are concerned!

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

troll* not in the mood.

troll* not in the mood.

NoDoormat's picture

How old are the

How old are the "children"?

"What should the husband's role in all this?" (personal opinions, right?... here goes) 1. God then 2.wife then 3. family (children).

Your ROLE is to be a loving husband, then loving father... they will learn what they live or see. You want them growing up to be a loving spouse, then show them how. IMHO

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The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left.(Proverbs 11:29 TLB).

Exploit or abuse your family, and end up with a fistful of air; common sense tells you it’s a stupid way to live.

MomAtHome05's picture

You are correct in your

You are correct in your breakdown of the family structure! At least, that is how it should be, and what we strive for in our home.

SKAYE's picture

So what do you do when your

So what do you do when your husband doesn't put you before the children? I have a SD16 and a SS13. My husband has joint custody of the children. The SD16 never comes over anymore. We live 30 minutes away but she says she doesn't like it here, it really disappoints her dad so anytime she calls to ask for $$ he feels like he should give in because he never sees her. Recently she was announced to the public as a school function and gave her parents names as if they were still married.... because she didn't like the way it sounded she said to say two different last names. Now the SS13 comes over but I don't get a lot of respect...I feel as if I have to tell him to flush the toilet, throw the trash away, put the dirty clothes in the hamper, chew with your mouth closed...things a 3 to 5 year old could do. He has told me he didn't want to talk to me because he doesn't like me. Actually, a lot of the things with the SS13 are boy stuff, I do realize that... This is my first marraige, it has only been 2 years. I have no children of my own. So I have a lot of adjustments to get used too!
I actually wish the SS13 would live with us fulltime. There are more rules and structure here at our house than his mom's house. Not much disipline there, so we have no support with what we do here.
When we first got married I went out of my way to do everything for the kids. But since they have started treating me like crap, I have backed off.

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Life is like Play-Doh, it is what you make it!