You are here

...I'm not allowed to react

Step Up's picture

Submitted by Step Up on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 9:53am

DH asks me yesterday - can you take off work 1/2 hour early to pick up SD16, she had detention. (BM is on-call for work, and DH is on disability and unable to climb stairs.) I agree.

Text SD16 - where are you?

HER: School 10.

Didn't dawn on me that this is entirely in the OPPOSITE direction of her high school, it's an elementary school kids hang out at.

ME: Meet me at Exxon (near our house, as she was told earlier to start walking).

HER: Can you meet me 1/2 way?

I call DH... we figure out that she's not where she's supposed to be and thus why she's saying to meet her half way. He calls her, then calls me back, realizing that she has lied. I point it out, and he gets defensive. "There's no sense in you getting upset" he says.

I said I took off work EARLY for your daughter... to find out this crap?

"Why you throw it in my face the YOUR daughter?"

(Love how SD16's issues get spun and then all the sudden I'm the bad guy, which deflect from the problem at hand.)

Then he does the poor me...if you want me to go get her, I will, it's just going to be hard because of the pain...

No, DH, I will handle it, since I took the time off for it.

Meanwhile, SD16's phone conveniently dies, and I get to search the streets near where she was supposed to be for her. I find her and take her home. I chose to be quiet because I knew I would react. She did manage to apologize (a first) for inconveniencing me. I mustered "right or wrong I am here for you, but I need you to do more right than wrong". I would have said SOOOOOOOOOOO much more if she were my own.

So what's done about it by the parents? Nothing. I see she's on FB all night and texting all night.

This armchair parenting sh*t is for the birds. Take no responsibility until something happens, express slight disappointment but do nothing to remedy the situation.

Then twist it on others who bring up that because of ineffective parenting, your child continues to behave this way - which in turn affects ALL OF OUR LIVES.

Vent.over.

Comments

stepsonhatesme's picture

Submitted by stepsonhatesme on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 11:08am

Well, I would have to DH, "she's not where she's supposed to be and I'm not going on a huntin expedtion, so I guess she will just walk home. Maybe that will teach her to be where she is supposed to be at." If she was supposed to have detention, then why was she somewhere else? maybe skipping detention all together?n But you know what I'd keep my mouth shut, and when the school finally calls about her not being there just get a grin on ur face and let them deal with it. If they dont then let them create and deal with the monster that is sure to follow.

My SS did this to me ONCE that's all it took, he has always been right where he is to be, or he knows I will call the cops on him.

Gwen's picture

Submitted by Gwen on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 11:13am

YUP. My DH likes to say "of course I care but I don't think it's worth getting EMOTIONAL about." B/c excuse me, of course staring at me blankly then saying and doing nothing equates to DH's "caring." And apparently my even mentioning any issue at all - no raised voice or upset, just noting what's going on -- equates to "getting emotional." Effing men. I suspect that this would be the same dynamic if it were our biokids. The difference is that then I could take the reins and actually parent, where here I'm left stewing and worrying with no power or authority to DO anything. And then *I* suffer the consequences of the lack of action. We have a pretty good sitch here and this crap still happens.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 11:21am

I have every sympathy for you - I brought up my BDs quite strictly and expected them to take responsibility and take the consequences of their own behaviour - they did! Your SD has learned that if she does wrong she gets to tell lies and then ride home in a nice comfy car. I'm certainly not criticising you for agreeing to your DH's request - I would probably have myself in the same circumstances but maybe next time you have to say no, in order that people will get the message you are not going to bail her out. YOU are SO not the bad guy. DH is playing games with you. If DH doesn't want her to get sore little feet walking home, perhaps he might like to pay for a taxi. Don't see why you should have to put yourself out.

I learned a really hard lesson in my first marriage - if you make yourself into a doormat, people will walk over you. I am slowly learning to be a bit tougher - in the end, being assertive in a positive way is the only way people (including our DHs and Sds) will realise we are not going support the lack of taking responsibility.