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How do I get over BM?

young_step_mom's picture

Ever since I met her she has been rude and nasty to me and it has made me dislike her to the point where I can't even think about her anymore w out getting physically sick.

She is no where near as bad as some of the BMs I have read about on this site, and although she does pull stupid crap from time to time to make DH and I angry, it is nothing major and definitely NOT something I should be hanging on to. The only thing she has really done is tell DH that he can't come pick up SS (typically done out of spite), and although this sucks it is not like we have to rearrange out schedules or anything because of it...it just means more alone time w my hubby Smile

She has said mean things to me, given me dirty looks and she and her family have said bad things about me to DH and his family, but my in-laws and all of DHs extended family adore me and know that she and her family are crazy and don't even bother listening to anything any of them have to say. It hurts me that she has said these things, but the bottom line is I know no one cares about her opinion, so should I really be holding on to this?

I feel like I have become very spiteful, and I hate that about myself. I often times find myself wanting DH to stand up to her over stupid things, just because I don't want her to get her way. HOW AWFUL!! What the hell do I care if she gets her way if it does not affect me or DH in the least??? For example, SS has a check up w a specialist every 2-3 months because of an operation he had a little over a year ago. DH always pays all of the medical bills and medicine, and deducts it from the CS he pays her. This last time they went she owed him $2000. This is the exact amount he has to give BM, but instead of skipping a month of CS he decided to deduct $1000 this month and $1000 next month so that she still has at least $1000 in case SS needs something. I wanted him to deduct it all at once, I mean she knows the Dr.s appointment is coming, she should be held financially responsible! The thing is, we aren't hard up for cash and SS might actually need something. What do I care if it isn't deducted all at once? She will pay it back eventually and we aren't exactly going to be struggling because we don't get the whole amount right away. How is it going to help me to see her struggle? How is it going to help me that she won't get her way?

Whenever these appointments come, BM always asks DH if he will give her a ride to the Dr.s office. This always turns into an issue between DH and I. The specialist they see is in another town about an hour from here and BM does not drive. I hate that he gives her a ride, but seriously, how does this affect me? IT DOESN'T! What do I care if DH gives her a ride, they are going to the same place and it's not like she doesn't fit in the car or anything. DH driving her to the Dr does not make them any more of a family and it doesn't make me any less his wife, so WHY DO I FIXATE ON IT???? I feel like DH shouldn't be nice to her because of all the mean things she has said about us and because she has kept SS from us, but is making her and SS take the bus to the Dr.s office instead of letting DH give her a ride really going to "stick it" to her? Just because she has been mean to me, I have to be mean back? When did I become so mean spirited and vengeful? I guess my question is how do I let it go? How do I stop being so spiteful? How do I become "me" again?

There may be no answer to this or maybe it is just something I have to work on, but I'm glad I have this place to vent! I hope you are all having a wonderful Sunday Smile

Comments

alwaysme's picture

I have and still do feel the exact same way as you do, however half of the shit BM pulls on DH DOES directly effect me, as it is me that does the majority of things for skids, but even when things dont effect me i still get incredibly pissed about things. I get furious when he is pleasant to her on the phone because the week before she has called me names to skids. I feel she doesnt deserve pleasant behaviour from DH and it feels like he doesnt give a shit about me, but he does it to avoid her psychotic behaviour.

I try to remind myself that she is a bitter miserable lonely woman who really is suffering that her ex that she wanted so badly to marry her cos she conveniently got pregnant within a month of dating, didnt want a bar of her and he ended up finding love with me, and i didnt even have to get pregnant to keep him.

Deep down BM's are suffering, giggle to yourself and remember that.
your man loves you not her

iwishyouwould's picture

I totally disengaged from bm bout six months ago and it works for me. She is nuts and i tried the lets try to get along and be civil and play your game route for about two years but after she called me some choice names and behaved like a psychotic ill-behaved child the last time, i told my husband that i quit. I havent seen her, heard her voice, been in her presence, relayed any types of messages, arranged for kiddo to give her any kind of gifts or to be dressed nicely for any special event, have basically acted as best as i can as if she is not part of my world for six months and it has been bliss. Course the moment i refuse contact after she has treated me the way yours treats you its all about iwishyouwould and how i need to be there and i need to talk to her and i have to do this, that or the third when before it was nothing but its none of my business, i need to stay away, im nothing etc. Well, newsflash, I dont have to do jack squat in regards to her and she made it so i dont want to. I didnt make a baby with her. I didnt make this bed so im not about to lie in it if she doesnt want to hold up her end. End of story. Its lovely. And i go right on raising kiddo just as ive always been, never saying a cross word about the woman, never saying much of anything about the woman period for that matter cause honestly she just doesnt come up that much and since i have no contact with her, welp, life is about as peachy as its gonna get in that department.

kimmy1's picture

Wow!!! Okay...so it's not just me...what a relief!!! I have been making myself crazy trying NOT to have these feelings but i just cannot stand her! She is always texting, calling, emailing my husband and i wish she would just live her life and let us live ours. I know that she is here for good, but i kinda just wish that my husband would stand up and give her the boundaries she needs. Not to say that i am without fault...i seem to get pissed no matter what the reason is that she is contacting my husband. I just can't stand that she always gets her way! My husband hates confrontation too and just wants to get along for his daughter's sake. He has managed to ignore all her crap, but for some reason it really gets to me! One day she is upset because she found out that we eloped so she is being nasty and limiting our contact with SD and then the next day she is crying to MY husband about some BS and asking him to keep SD longer than agreed! I find myself feeling so much better when they are hating eachother! When did i become this person...and like young_step_mom asked...how do we get past this?

kimmy1's picture

Wow!!! Okay...so it's not just me...what a relief!!! I have been making myself crazy trying NOT to have these feelings but i just cannot stand her! She is always texting, calling, emailing my husband and i wish she would just live her life and let us live ours. I know that she is here for good, but i kinda just wish that my husband would stand up and give her the boundaries she needs. Not to say that i am without fault...i seem to get pissed no matter what the reason is that she is contacting my husband. I just can't stand that she always gets her way! My husband hates confrontation too and just wants to get along for his daughter's sake. He has managed to ignore all her crap, but for some reason it really gets to me! One day she is upset because she found out that we eloped so she is being nasty and limiting our contact with SD and then the next day she is crying to MY husband about some BS and asking him to keep SD longer than agreed! I find myself feeling so much better when they are hating eachother! When did i become this person...and like young_step_mom asked...how do we get past this?

young_step_mom's picture

Thank you all for the replies! I really appreciate your comments. I made and appointment with a psychologist for Tuesday and I hope that he can help me get back on track. I will let you all know how it goes, hopefully he can give me some good tips so that I can keep my cool around her.