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New Step Mom, Need Advice

beatharianne's picture

Submitted by beatharianne on Fri, 01/21/2011 - 3:03pm

I have 3 step kids, the oldest is 13 male from one mom, and the other two are 12 female and 11 male, from another mom. I have one child a 5 year old female.
Last night we all went for a drive to the next town, about a 45 min drive, it was all good we met the younger 2's older sister at wal mart, we shopped hung out for a bit then went to eat.
We took the 11 and 12 year old to see their mother at work. they havent seen her since Christmas. me my husband and my 5 year old and our 13 year old sat in the car while they visited.
We went home on the drive home our 11 year old asked me why i get after them when they all yell at my 5 year old, I explained that its not fair to her to have all 3 of them yelling at her at the same time. That i dont like it and it is not their job to discipline her.
Now i work a full time job and i also go to school sometimes both in one day i am exhausted i dont even get a min to myself, our 12 year old thinks that when i get home i sit and give them dirty looks all the time i explained to them again that i am very tired thats just what my face looks like when i get home its not that i am mad at them or anything.
the two of them then continued to tell me everything they hated about me and how our eleven year old doesnt get up for school or anything because he is mad at me. they tell me that i do everything wrong and that i will never be their mother.
i told them that i do not want to replace their mother but i care about them and they live in my home to so they have to follow my rules also and respect me as an adult.
i try to change the way i do things to help them be more comfortable but they find something else to complain about im so hurt, frustrated, confused, and feel hopelessly lost.
I really want this to work but have no idea what i am doing. i dont know if i am making things worse or do i keep doing what i am doing.
Help!

Comments

BMhater9's picture

Submitted by BMhater9 on Fri, 01/21/2011 - 3:29pm

I'm sure their BM had alot to do with everything they decided to bring up. I think its great that you have established boundaries and rules and expect them to follow them. Don't give anyone special treatment just treat them all the same. It is hurtful to hear them say things like that but remember that you are the adult and the one in charge. You just need to love them no matter what. Keep doing what you are doing and dont let them get to you. Things will work out.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 01/21/2011 - 4:11pm

Sounds like you are doing everything right. She probably bad-mouthed you and they became more aware of their situation through BM's eyes. Keep doing what you are doing. Just let their Dad raise them. As long as they are respectful to you and you command it from them, it will work out. Sounds to me like your DH needs to answer some of those questions from them.

zenjetset's picture

Submitted by zenjetset on Fri, 01/21/2011 - 5:14pm

don't be disappointed when you know you have gone above and beyond what their BM would do or remotely consider. This will happen, if it hasn't already. Sometimes, you have to realize that children have major loyality issues and that we as Stepmommies are well, painted into monsters to met the needs of those that refuse to see their own shortcomings. My suggestion is this, don't take things to heart, remember your relationship is with the man you married and love, the children are a bonus of sorts (or not), the BM is something you contend with regardless of what you try to do (she will always fault you). YOU and you partner are the MOST important. The children, well...treat them the way you would like to be treated and if they don't respect your home, your rules or things of that sorts (your values should align with theirs), it;s time to call a family meeting.