Sia - everything you are mentioning is what we all go through - it is very frustrating to have to live a life that has a third partner in the marriage - I think this is one of the things we don't really think about when we get involved with a man who has children. Or we never imagine that these BM's for whatever reason are just crazy.

Now I am not trying to be harsh here but you can't change the past you can only make your future - so let the past go - you married a man with a child you knew he had a child you knew he had a past - so for your sanity you need to let it go - I know that is easier said than done but believe me I was in your shoes around year 2 of the marriage. I am now 6 1/2 years into the marriage and it is so much better.

You do need to sit down with your hubby and tell him what is bothering you - if SD is bullying your son then she needs to be corrected and you need to tell hubby that you will be correcting her if he is not around - children that are 6 years old need to be corrected right away they tend to forget why they are in trouble if you wait too long - also because of your view of the situation is she bullying or just being an older sister? I have a friend whose kids are 2 1/2 years apart in age and the way the older child treats the younger one drives me nuts and I want to spank her when I see her treat her sister like that - but they are just being siblings - so if there is real bullying going on then you must step in and stop it - kids will try to get away with anything they can when they think no one is watching.

Also you need to tell hubby that bedtimes are to be enforced because alone time is crucial for the 2 of you - you said he is supportive so use his support and tell him what you need - he in not a mind reader and can't read your mind. You also have to accept that he does have a past and that includes a child - I am not sure if you get divorced that the BM will let you see the child -

You have half the battle won you love your SD - your husband is supportive - you love your husband so give it time - I too remember being 8 months pregnant crying in my garage with my DH telling him I wanted a divorce but now I was stuck with him because I was pregnant - I remember crying in the shower not knowing which way to turn because I was so unhappy - I remember not having this site and no friends who are SM's and trying to keep all of these feelings inside - it was a very dark period in my life but I promise you it does get better eventually - I would say it was over if your DH was an asshole and your SD and BM were out of control and you hated your SD then I would say it might be time to get out - but you are still so new in the situation (even though it may feel like years have passed - it has been such a short time) Remember anything worth having is worth working for -

Maybe you need to get away by yourself or with your and your son for a weekend - maybe a weekend when SD is there - just go away and let DH handle her for the whole weekend and you recharge your batteries - it would be even better if you can go by yourself but if SD bullies your son then you can't leave him alone with her and your DH. Or maybe just try to get a massage or go for a walk every day and tell hubby to watch your son - hang in there - I think it will get better!

Gia, have you thought about going to some type of counseling to help you sort through some of your feelings?

"I still HATE when he calls BM, emails her, talks to her in person... I just Hate it, and that is the simple truth. I hate that I think she has some sort of conspiracy against me, by prompting her daughter to call my husband and such..."
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Gia, I understand these feelings. I can tell you it took me 4-5 years to get beyond feeling suspicious &...almost foolish when BM & DH would be on the phone discussing what was happening with their common friends & family members. I was pissed when DH would go pick up skids or take them back & he'd be gone for hours. Pickup/dropoff was about an hour away & he'd be gone for 3. What could they possibly have to talk about for an hour at pickup/dropoff??? I felt foolish when I'd hear him chatting & laughing with her on the phone.

It went on that way until I finally reached my breaking point & told him what it was doing to me & how it made me feel. Of course he came back with, "We have to get along for the sake of the kids". My point was getting along for the sake of the kids has nothing to do with her dad having to go to the doctor last week & everything the doctor had to say. It has nothing to do with reminiscing about beach trips with the kids...especially when the kids aren't participating in the conversation. My point was that her sharing her daily drama with my DH (then BF) had nothing to do with them co-parenting their children. My point was that if we were going to be in a relationship together, we have to get along for the sake of that, & their need for mindless chatter between the two of them was making it impossible for me to feel safe putting my effort & my soul into our relationship.

He honestly didn't have a clue until I explained to him that i felt like a 3rd wheel. I felt like a convenience for him...a warm body when he wanted it to be there. I felt foolish because BM was thinking she really had something on me...& she did. He was giving her the attention she wanted & taking it away from me.

As far as his past...sweetie, it's going to be there. Nothing can make that fact go away. He's not with BM. He's found his joy with you. Obviously you have things to offer that she didn't. She didn't get to have all of him because she couldn't or didn't give him everything you give him. Obviously he feels things with you that he didn't get to feel with her.

Chances are your SD will never be everything you feel she should be or want her to be because she's not your child. You may never feel like she's everything you'd hoped she would be because you parent in a different way or teach different values/morals. Don't let your feelings toward BM make you feel less toward your SD.

As far as the SD lists...she probably doesn't remember them being a family together, but hearing stories, seeing pictures, whatever...her lack of memory won't make her not WANT to remember. Kids want those happy things to hold on to. You found the lists in her room. She didn't bring them to you for you to see. I doubt she made them to hurt you or to shut you out. Of course, I realize that doesn't take away the hurt you feel in seeing them.

I'm truly sorry for what you're feeling. Talk to your DH. Tell him how you feel about these things...specifically. Tell him you feel sad, angry, hurt...whatever. Let him know that when it makes you feel . As far as his past, although neither you or him can change anything about it, tell him how you feel about it. Explain the feelings you're having to cope & deal with. Maybe it'll give him a clearer picture of why you need things to be different. It'll help him see things the way you see them & better understand how what may seem like nothing to him can feel like everything to you.

I hope things get better for you. (((Hugs)))

Tell us more about the interaction with BM and experienced people on her can make suggestions. Is she always around or does it just feel like it?
There is a stage BMs go through when they try to treat their ex like he is husband in everything but intimacy. I had a link but can't find it. Our BM expected that DH would still do all the home repairs, etc, cared when she cried about being single, yada yada.

Don't beat yourself up about being "mature." Your post shows you are an insightful and analytical person, which is huge, as you are not just reacting to the situation but trying to understand it. You'll get there. Focus on the positive, too.