I cant freaking believe what just came out of my husbands mouth
OK....SO....I am blowing steam out my ears at this very moment! My husband, who sometimes I wonder would rather be bff with his ex rather than say something nice to his wife just called me and told me something insanely rude and if I had been face to face with him I might just have slapped him.
We...or should I say Myself has been in the process of redoing a bedroom for my sd because we are about to have a baby and we are putting the baby in the sd's old room. I thought this would be a great project for the sd and I to work on, but she has SHOOOOOWWWWN No interest what so ever! Last weekend,I worked all Saturday doing stuff in her new room and she helped a total of 5 minutes. Then she asked her dad is she could lay down. Of course he let her.
Not ten minutes ago, my husband called to tell me he told the sd this morning that if she and her mother happened to be around a paint store this weekend for her to go pick out a wall color for her new bedroom. My sd is 12...I am sure when she goes with her mother...her mother will put input in. WHy do I want a wall in my house to have anything to do with the ex?
What is he thinking.....maybe I should just ask him to invite the ex over and I will shell the money out and she can re do the F'in bedroom.
Lets just say....I DONT have to like the color that she picks out...do I??????
hahahaha
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WOW, wth was he thinking! I
WOW, wth was he thinking! I would be really pissed off if I went through all the trouble of redecorating and I was expected to work around BM's preference in wall color. NO WAY. Men are sooooo clueless sometimes.
imaSmom Thank you for your
imaSmom Thank you for your outlook on this and I appreciate it. I can see where you think it might be a little petty.
But, I have told my husband that I want my sd and myself to work on this project together. This is one project that for once in my marriage that we do not have to include the biological mother.
I am perfectly capable of taking the sd to a paint store and letting her pick her color out to go on my wall in my house.
I have to see and hear about the bm way to much and the last place I want her presence is painted on my walls.
I am sorry I feel this way, but I do.
I don't think it's petty or
I don't think it's petty or that you should feel bad for feeling the way you do. You put a lot of effort into this and it was a great opportunity for you to bond with SD and do this TOGETHER, just the TWO of you. BM getting to join in and pick the color sours the experience a bit.
I do not think it is petty at
I do not think it is petty at all. I would have gone off on him. My house my decor. Not BM's or SD's. If she wants her room decorated great, we can do it together. Not gonna happen without my input. Also, no way in hell would any color that BM had input on going to go near my house. Your DH stepped out of line and needs to be called out on it.
Oh, tough situation. I think
Oh, tough situation. I think I would be upset as well, if I had a feeling BM had ANYTHING to do with the color choice. It's going to be hard to tell though. I'm sure your SD won't tell you that her mother had influence on her choice of color.
I would call your DH back and be very honest with him. Just tell him that you would rather not have BM help SD pick out the paint. Tell him you would be willing to take SD to the store and have her pick out the paint.
I don't understand why you
I don't understand why you redoing her room has to involve the ex in any way?that's defeating the purpose of trying to do something that will help you bond with her.she's already bonded with her mother so why do they need the task of picking out paint for YOUR house together?she should be going with you to pick out the paint since you're the one doing it for her.
i'm not sure if i would be like livid angry i think i would be more hurt than anything.i would probably ask my husband if his brain fell out of his skull this morning while he was presenting that ridiculous idea to sd.
Like - I don't think the BM
Like - I don't think the BM would like if the SM went with the SD and picked out paint for her house - Dh needs to relearn how to be in a relationship and remember who he is in one with!
My point exactly! I may not
My point exactly! I may not have said it like that because I am furious...!
This would annoy me too, but
This would annoy me too, but I don't know if its totally rational/reasonable to be annoyed. If SD gets to pick her own colors, I think she kind of gets to pick who's going to have influence on what colors she picks.... But I understand you're feelings.
One thing: Have you guys given any kind of guidelines to SD regarding colors? My SD picked her own room paint at age 12, and her room is fluorsescent pink and green. Its horrible....but its her room so whatever. Just, if you're not okay with something like that, you (or your DH!) should tell SD upfront, before something gets mixed and paid for!
We have tried, but when she
We have tried, but when she comes to him with a paint color and ideas he will tell her yes....no matter what I think...cause he cannot tell her no...she is an expert of knowing how to play the momma and daddy. If he tells her no...she might not want to come anymore. booohoooohoooo
my stepdaughter picked out
my stepdaughter picked out pink and orange for her room.i was like uh,no way.so i took her to the store and we actually ended up having fun comparing different colors.we compromised and she loves her room now.i wish your husband could see it could be a good experience for the two of you and it's ok if you don't agree right away on colors with her, it's going to teach you both how to compromise and be patient with each others wants.basically,it's a small step toward something good and as usual,the man is sticking his fingers into it and mixing it to hell.
I think what you should do is
I think what you should do is when they come to you with the color and if you hate it because she may pick something hideous with the help of BM just to piss you off - tell hubby - NO WAY - MY HOME MY WALLS and then offer to BM if it is a truly hideous color that you will come over and help SD paint her room at BM's - }:)
That sounds like a typical
That sounds like a typical male response, however I would be livid if my DH pulled that crap on me! SD's room at your home has nothing to do with her BM and since it's been you doing all the work and trying to do something nice for SD, you should be the one who assists in SD's paint color selection not BM.
Thank you...I mean what the
Thank you...I mean what the crap. Might as well just invite the ex over to help paint. haha NOT!
This made me laugh because I
This made me laugh because I helped SD11 redo her room at our house a year or so ago and she picked neon lime green. So that's what we bought. She has a tiny bedroom so it wasn't too terribly obnoxious but I put up white shelving all around and then her bedding/decor is all hot pink and zebra stripes and it looks like it's out of a magazine. It turned out soooooo cute. She was the proudest kid ever so we took pictures and emailed them to BM and her BM actually told her it was putrid. Why would you tell your kid their room looked ugly? Ugh.
2 years ago SS needed glasses
2 years ago SS needed glasses - BM did not want to do it so when he came to see us for 2 weeks in the summer - I took him to the appointment, helped him pick out his glasses, waited while they were getting them ready, took him to get a haircut to go with the new glasses and then out to lunch - all in all it was about 5 hours and $350.00 later. We get home and I hear him calling his mom and telling her all about the day and about his new glasses - So he came to me and wanted me to take a picture on my phone to send to his mom - I did and next thing I know his mom calls and says to him - you know those glasses aren't really in style right now (and they were so she was pissed that he liked something that I had helped him with) maybe you should jump on the computer right now and start looking for glasses that would better suit you -
SS started crying and telling his mom that he did not want glasses anyway and wished he did not have to wear them (I truly wished that I did not just drop $350.00 for a pair of glasses). When he went back after his visit he never wore the glasses again until he started driving and they told him he had to wear them. I was so pissed that his mother could not put aside her craziness for the sake of her son and the health of his eyes - that was the straw that broke the camels back for me with her - now I just ignore her and when we do the kid exchange once a year I can barely stand to be around her and I think she knows it. 2 more years and then crazy is gone!!
It was so annoying because SS
It was so annoying because SS is very short and slight for his age - I am 5'7" and still freaking waiting for him to be taller than me he is 17 - so I had been talking to him all day about how having glasses are okay and that he still looked handsome in them and with one sentence she destroyed hours of work that I had done to convince him that he looked good - she really is a piece of work - not someone I would even say hi to in a million years - unfortunately I have a great BS meter and I sometimes have to as my DH what the Heck he saw in her - she truly is crazy - even my sister who likes everyone analyzed her handwriting and said she is selfish and self centered and sneaky (cheated on Dh many times) and very materialistic - sometimes when SS is driving me crazy I just have to remember that he has to live with that full time.
Sounds like our BM. We
Sounds like our BM. We noticed SD was having a hard time seeing so sent a note for BM to take her to eye dr (H was providing insurance). BM says no way, make your dad take you. So we make a commute 2 hrs round trip three days in a row - 1 to get skids, 1 for eye appt and 1 to drop off skids.
SD picked glasses out and wears them home. BM has a holy sh!t fit and decides to take her back to get different glasses.
Oh, and BM made sure that the eye dr. sent US the bill.
I would go to the store nad
I would go to the store nad get some "suitable" paint chips. Then when SD comes to visit you can pick out of "these colours".
If she starts complaining that her and her mom already went nad picked something out I'd say something like "Really?? Thats to bad becuase I already had these choices picked out so you'll have to pick from here"
End of story.
lol Then SD could bring the
lol Then SD could bring the paint that her and BM picked out and use it to paint her room in her BMs house
You know at first I was
You know at first I was thinking... ah well.. what' the big deal...but after thinking about it..I think my feelings would be really hurt if SD and BM picked out her bedroom colours.. afterall, you were doing this as a 'bonding' thing with her...and it's like a direct rejection of you, a rejection that is supported by your DH. Yeah, I feel for you...I'd be upset too.
For YEARS I worked in the
For YEARS I worked in the Home Fashion industry, the place I worked was right outside of NYC and we were known as the “top fashion house in the country”. I spent 17 years of my life running the accounting department of the company but we all had interaction with the product lines. By nature I am on the artsy side.
BM is from butt-hole SD, she grew up with 13 of them in a single wide trailer on an Indian Reservation.
When I moved in here, the house was “decorated” in various shades of PURPLE (she likes purple), south western Indian crap and the wall “artwork” consisted of the “Kodak wall of shame” and frames pieces she picked up at various carnivals. DH said he just let her do whatever she wanted. DH said that she took her dolls in plastic bags, the stuff animals, and the black velvet paintings that she had “decorated” with when she moved. I though he was kidding but the neighbors filled me in.
When I painted and re-did the house…..she gave me advice. I tried NOT to laugh.
His idea had nothing to do
His idea had nothing to do with relationships. This had everything to do with logistics, so don't take it personally.
This was his line of thought: Need paint + Who's gonna be out and about in the immediate future = DD and BM. He saw an opportunity to get something done (by someone other than himself), so he took it. It had nothing to do with you, it had nothing to do with his ex. It had nothing to do with his "feeling" one way or the other about it or anyone else.
It had to do with getting something done and helping you in the process while finding a way so that he wouldn't have to do it. ;^)
Isn't logic beautiful?
hahaha gotta love logic!
hahaha gotta love logic! Also, gotta love a almost 6 month pregnate lady who can make his life not so logical! ok that was mean...but arrgggghhh it makes me so irriated sometimes!!
Ouch - ya your house your
Ouch - ya your house your colors; I could see if you two discussed and he asked her to pick up that color. But to just go and get it NOPE; sounds like my LOVELY SD13/ we just moved and my BD11, SD13 and myself were talking about colors and designs..... instead of telling me what she wanted my wonderful SD decides to run to daddy and her nana and tell them; so now I guess her and her nana have decided to do it..........WT....... Did this just happen. Oh honey you are not alone
it is CRAZY
YOU have put a lot of work
YOU have put a lot of work into redoing a room in YOUR home. Granted, it is for SD, but it is still YOUR home. Even if SD picked a color & you didn't like it, you can say no. She has shown no interest in it thus far.
In my opinion, if you want to take SD to pick out paint & let her have say in it, that should be up to YOU. If you want to continue with the redo on your own, that also should be up to YOU.
Your DH stepped out of bounds in making his offer. Should SD show up with a color she picked out with BM & you don't like it (or even if you do & just don't want BM's taste in your home) it should be up to YOU, whether or not you want to go with it.
Is this really the hill
Is this really the hill anyone wants to die on?
It's your's and your DH's home, but you want your SD to like her room and you want her to have some say in how her room looks, right? I think the best thing to do in a situation like this is to give the girl some choices within a range of colors that you're okay with. Go pick out some paint colors you'd be happy with, but allow yourself to be adventurous and think about what a younger girl might like, too. Maybe even present her with an idea of painting one or two walls painted a bright, statement color, and then have the other walls a neutral shade or white. Or maybe you'd like to try those cool vinyl wall coverings (they come in all kinds of themes, words and colors) - and you can peel those right off if you don't like them! But present her with choices that are within your boundaries. That way, you have control while still giving your SD some say in how her room looks.
Don't worry, this kind of stuff happens all the time. Try not to let it rile you up! :^)
JMHO.
sorry stormabruin, I didn't
sorry stormabruin, I didn't mean to reply to your post.
No problem.
No problem.
Here's a great idea to throw
Here's a great idea to throw at you all. When I redid DS's room a couple years ago, we really needed to replace his bedroom door because the home owners before us were idiots and painted the hinges and all. :? But I thought well, let's do something fun and we actually left the door up. I painted all the trim and the front of his door to look nice and then I painted the inside of his bedroom door bright white.
I bought a pack of sharpies and all the kids (teenagers) that came over had a blast coloring and writing all kinds of stuff on his door. It's still there and now it's so precious to me I don't know what I'll do if we ever move. Probably take the door with me! LOL
Ok... so..I had this
Ok... so..I had this situation too. SM does the work, breaking her back painting the room... and BM gets the glory of picking out the color. What if she is nasty and picks out something gross?
DH was out of line. I would be pssd.... and tell him... Ok... well NOW YOU and SD can paint the room and I would go get a massage.
hahahahahha.
So much for bonding with SD.
But see, this is the deal...
But see, this is the deal... we can't CHANGE others. We can WISH our men would change, we can WISH they would think about how we would feel and wonder why they don't think of us first, especially when we do so much for them... but we cannot change the fact that men think in terms of how to get things done rather than how we might "feel" about "how" it got done and all the feelings and expectations that surround it... largely, that is not in their DNA.
But we CAN change how we REACT.
Sure, men are clueless. That's a given. ;^) So women can do one of two things when faced with a situation like this: Lose our minds and take it personally, so much so that we disengage and close ourselves off from our husbands and children, or we can control our emotions, think logically and react without personalizing it.
That's not to say we shouldn't feel anything when we're hurt. But we shouldn't linger on it. That's an issue I've learned to deal with over the years.
JMHO.
Uh yeah...I would be LIVID.
Uh yeah...I would be LIVID. Deep breaths, girl. Let's look at some positives here. These are all assuming your BM is like most of our BM's and ACTUALLY gets off her fat lazy ass to take SD to the paint store/Lowe's/HomeDepot, etc:
1) I doubt BM will want to put that much effort into picking out a color right then and there. It will be more like run in, grab 50 samples, run out.
2) The lighting in paint stores causes the colors to look EXTREMELY different there than it does in the actual room. If they do go, you can stress this fact(by way of DH if necessary) and tell them to bring any and all paint samples she thinks she will like. Once she gets home the two of you can actually go through them and you still get your bonding time with her AND get to make the decision.
3) BM is NOT going to fork out her own money to buy the paint, so the likelyhood you are going to end up with 4 gallons of puke green in your house is pretty low.
4) If DH allows BM to choose the color, find out what her 2nd & 3rd choices are. Make DH do the actual painting, then PAINT OVER IT WHILE THEY ARE GONE! OR find this really wonderful wallpaper that would look MUCH better.
It's all good. You will still be able to spend time with SD while transforming her room.
gee.Wow I dont knw how u
gee.Wow I dont knw how u handled that one.But i would def talk to DH about that.Your right it has nothing to do with BM..how do i say it nicely..f that.Id be pissed.She didnt even help u..Now if her mom has something to do with it she want to help.U and sd should be picking out color..wft.I would fight about it for sure.let dh know why that is not ok with u.Ur his wife..not bm.Geez...Sry.also i have delt with crap like that plenty.But if i never told my so that it bothered me..shit would not of changed.
You are absolutely justified
You are absolutely justified in feeling resentful, it's the implication of BM having some kind of input into your home space, although I agree with the posters who say it was probably hapless man-ness rather than deliberate lack of support. We redid SD's room last year when she was 13. I had learnt some lessons from redoing SS's room when he was 11. Lessons learned:
Do not allow free rein on colour unless you are prepared to live with some very odd choices
Children are mostly not as interested in decorating as you might think
Children know nothing about putting a room together and are likely to be happier with the result if you listen to what they like, then interpret it for them
I got SD to do a montage of pictures/furniture/acccessories and colours she liked. Then I tried to work from it within our budget and balancing it with what I could live with! Then we did a reveal. She really liked it.
We let the SKIDS paint their
We let the SKIDS paint their room any color. Caveat: only one paint job. Upon moving out.. they had to paint it back to a nuetral color.. One kid had to repaint it the color that the other kid wanted when she took over his room. Now she will have to paint it a nuetral color upon her move out.
None of them had their other bio-parents pick out the colors. (Maybe they did and we don't know... all the better.)