Why do I let her bother me so much?
I have an amazing ss. He is well mannered, a great student, a great athlete, and is well-rounded. He loves his dad and has always treated me with an amazing amount of respect. I can't begin to tell you how grateful and fortunate I am that we have such a loving and open relationship.
The problem for me is that I become so incensed by his bm and the fact that she SUCKS at communicating with him or seeing my ss as the young man that he is. There are so many 13 year old boys that are not willing to talk openly about what they have going on in their lives. My husband and I are able to offer an environment for my ss to have this experience. The bm, however, sees him as a minor who has no choices and no options other than what she and the sd want for the child. She treats him like he's a toddler. I am so frustrated for him.
Out of respect for my husband, I have been silent. I am 100% confident as my husband is that if we address her on anything that we are concerned about, she will make it so difficult for the ss during her nights and weekends.
I can't stop thinking about her. I want to know if my ss is okay. I want to ask him questions and I want him to find a way to respectfully share with her the things that he is telling me about his experience. I just fear that it will make things worse.
What to do? Advice please! I am SO thrilled that I stumbled across this site. I feel very lonely out here and this is fantastic.
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Thank you so much. I have
Thank you so much. I have been looking for an outlet like this for a while. My dh is great and will listen to me, but I feel as though each time I share my frustrations with his ex and with the things that are happening to our ss that I am making him relive all the pain that he had when she cheated on him and changed the course of his life.
I often find myself reminding myself that without her and her choices, I would not be blessed with my husband and my ss. She is a necessary evil in my happiness... I am just so wrapped up and actually paralyzed sometimes by her behavior.
The bm and I had a very decent relationship at the beginning when my dh and I were dating and getting more serious. I think she wanted to figure me out because she knew that I wasn't going anywhere. The four of us (my dh, myself, the ex and her hubby) were even acknowledged by some of the ss's teachers as being a great "team" supporting him in and out of the classroom.
Then, one day, she realized that we were providing the things that my ss wanted and needed better than she could... so she brought my dh into mediation with these horrible claims of us trying to poison my ss against her.
Now, she doesn't communicate with me at all. My dh says that we were beating her at her own game... being ahead of the things that he needed, offering an open, yet structured environment for him to grow.
I am crushed that because I was being a good parent, she would punish me and play her BM trump card through mediation.
My ss is so frustrated and I just don't know how to help when she is taking things that are important to him away from him in order to get back at my dh.
Any suggestions?
Hall: Sadly, it's the same
Hall: Sadly, it's the same thing for us as well. This is the main reason we are here. No advice just lots of support. It usually doesn't get better...we just find more creative ways to block the BM damage and commiserate. Sooo, chin up you and vent, vent and more vent!
Welcome Hall! I, too , am a
Welcome Hall! I, too , am a new member and have found that this is a great site! Although my situation is different from yours (DH and I live 1200 miles away from BM and SS7 for DH's job), I can relate. BM has SS the majority of the time. Although my BM is not nearly as unstable as a lot of the BM's I have read about on here, she is still a very manipulative person. She limits the amount of contact DH and SS have together, DH bought SS a DS and he absolutely loves it, but she will take it away for no reason at all, and she talks about DH poorly in front of SS. With all of that said, I believe BM does all of this to try and turn SS against me and DH. It drives me crazy! I couldn't stand the thought of SS turning his back on DH due to a manipulative mother who was more worried about hating DH (mind you she cheated and divorced him)than she was about how this would effect her child. But, from reading a lot of the posts and the advice given on this site, I am coming to realize that we are not going to be able to change the BM (unfortunately) and we have no control over what BM says/does in her own home. So, I am currently working on letting that anger go and trying my best not to worry so much about what BM is doing b/c in the end I couldn't change it anyway. It has proven to be very hard, but it sounds like you and DH are doing all that ya'll can do to provide your SS with a loving and safe environment and that is what matters. I think ya'll are doing a great job!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your wonderful comments. And, just as an aside... on some funny ironic level, I love that we refer to the ex as a BM.
lol
Immature yes... yet somewhat really funny to me. lol
Thanks again. I am so glad that I found this site!
How wonderful! You are
How wonderful! You are insensed.... because you are BONDED to this wonderful SS of yours. Yay!!!!! You are doing a great job, sounds like he is a wonderful boy. Keep being that wonderful, supportive SM.... and he will prosper because of it.
Your loving nature is infuriated with BM's lack of attention. That is totally natural. We love so much, that BM's flaws just pop out like a NEON LIGHT.
Enjoy your SS.... create some wonderful memories, and keep the love flowing.... he will benefit greatly from it.
HURRAH!!!! ONE FOR THE TEAM!!!
I too love my SS11. Enjoy the
I too love my SS11. Enjoy the time with him when he is there and don't let BM "live in your head for free". We have no control over what BM does and we shouldn't care to try.
Hall9293 - our BM does the
Hall9293 - our BM does the same - my SS is 16 and she tried to have him fly unaccompanied minor this past summer to see us - they stop doing it at 11 - he does not work and she hands everything to him. The only thing is that when she wants to be gone for the weekend then he is old enough to take care of himself or any overnights when she is with her boyfriend then he is old enough to be alone. I think it is a control issue for the BM - but unfortunately she is raising a child who will not be able to work or follow direction. It drives me nuts but he is her problem now not ours - she bought him a car so she does not have to be home at night to get him to his sports.
He is an excellent student but has not idea how to do anything for himself. He has not common sense and she is not helping him develop that at all. It is really quite sad in my opinion!