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Nonchalant's picture

Submitted by Nonchalant on Sun, 10/10/2010 - 9:40pm

Hi everyone,
I came across this site and it's both releiving and disturbing to know I'm not alone on this one.
My step son has issues and has had them long before I came onto the scene. I don't reward poor behavior and I'm tired of feeling abused, violated and taken for granted...that an apology means I "should" forgive and forget automatically and move on despite the way his behavior makes me feel.
It's to the point for me that I've accepted my limitations around this and wonder if I'm wasting my time hanging around if this same issue is going to continually resurface?
I choose not to have a relationship with my mom because of her behavior. When I was 10 or 11 she told me that if I made her choose between me and my step dad she wouldn't choose me.
It seems that the same dynamic applies to my current relationship except I'm being thrown under the bus to a f'ing
Kid.
I'm tired of hearing that he has "trauma" issues and have to walk on eggshells-who doesn't have trauma issues?
Doesn't mean I get to be an asshole last I checked.
I'm reaching out because I know you people have experience and I know life is as hard as I volunteer for. I often think that if this was going to get easier than the conselling and other related services we checked out would have worked out.
It is frustrating to have it more often than not that I'm the problem...not the misbehaving child.

At wits end

Frustrated New Wife's picture

Submitted by Frustrated New Wife on Sun, 10/10/2010 - 11:32pm

Nonchalant,

I don't have the experience with this that a lot of women on here do, but I just wanted to say welcome to the site. I am new as well and from what I have read thus far, it seems to be a great support system.

I agree that everyone has traumatic issues, but that doesn't give them the right to be an asshole. It sounds like to me from what you have posted, that DH and BM have made it comfortable for your SS to act the way he does and caters to his every need. Therefore, why would he change? Now granted, I don't know the full story and I could be completely wrong but if someone is constantly being enabled to be the way that they are with no consequences, there is no reason for them to change. It sounds like DH needs to be a bit more supportive of your needs and needs to try to understand where you are coming for and make accomodations for you.

Good luck to you and hopefully you can gain a new insight from people who are going thru the same situation as you from this site. I have found that this is a good site to vent at Smile

MaGoose2010's picture

Submitted by MaGoose2010 on Mon, 10/11/2010 - 1:38am

Hi Nonchalant & welcome to the site.

I also have a SS14 who has major anti-social and life-skill problems and his parents, teachers and everyone expects me to make allowances for it, but after 5 years that has become extremely hard to do. Especially when I have tried and he continues to lie, steal, tell stories about me and is in my face ALL THE TIME!

My coping mechanisms are as follows:
1) lots of alone time in my bedroom or sewing room, venting on this site, reading, watching TV or doing my hobbies - I stay away from the irritation and therefore don't have to deal with it. I feed him, wash his clothes, fetch and carry from school etc etc, but that is it. It sounds harsh, but this is how I am able to get up everyday and face the world.

2) when we in the car together i play my oldies quite loudly and don't engage in conversation unless he initiates it 9(besides the initial.."Hi how was your day", then if he says anything upsetting in anyway to me, I just ignore and go back to playing my loud music.

3) i force his father to deal with his school homework & projects, daily ADD medication, any BM issues which involve him. (I have a BD11 and I deal with her upbringing & issues.)

You may says this sounds harsh, but this is what it has come to after all the sh*t that I have been through with my skids (had a stint with a very out of control SD18 a few months ago and that was hell! Fortunately she left to move in with her boyfriend and FDH won't allow her to move back in - she really put our relationship to the test in a big way!)

There are flamers on this site, but don't let them get to you. You must realise in your heart that you are not a bad person as long as you care. I care..I just can't love them as my own. My own would never treat me and disrespect me the way my skids have.

All the best...let's see some venting from you so that you can get it all off your chest...you will feel better for it..I do.

Regards
MG

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 10/11/2010 - 8:13pm

Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are navigating the challenges of blended family life.

I have question. Has it occurred to you that by giving people ultimatums and forcing them to chose between you and others, your mom having to choose between you and your StepDad, your SO having to choose between you and his child, that you are setting yourself and your relationships up to fail?

I do not mean to be an ass by asking this question. However, it seems to me that by repeating this behavior you are going to get similar results.

You give no detail on you situation with your mother only that you forced her to choose between you and her husband. There is no choice there IMHO. My own father told me the same thing. He told me to never put him in a position to have to choose between his wife (my mom) and I or between his son (my younger brother) and I. I was going through my own snarky teen years at that time. I never forced my dad to make that choice. Unless there were extenuating circumstances with your StepDad, you probably should not have forced your mom to make that choice.

You don't go in to detail on the situation with your Skid, it seems only that you are giving your SO the same ultimatum that you gave your mom.

Ultimatums don't work. At least not often.

Maybe you should try building relationships that don't require others to choose between someone else that they love and you?

I absolutely agree that an apology does not require you to forget or forgive. If the apology was heart felt then the behavior that necessitated the apology should improve. If the behavior improves then trust will grow. Once there is trust, then there can be forgiveness. If the behavior does not improve, then write off the person as unworthy of your forgiveness.

That is what I would do.

Hang in there. Things will get better .... if you let them.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Nonchalant's picture

Submitted by Nonchalant on Mon, 10/11/2010 - 10:12pm

Thank you for you responses! I too was troubled as a child, broken home, distant mother. To her credit she showed her love by financially supporting me and getting me and my sister the stuff we needed. I've tried talking to her and at times we started to bond.
But, my step son and my nephew had issues a few times and my fiancée became defensive to the point that her and her son were excluded from my families get togethers...I had to choose now.
I tried setting up a time where the three of us ( mom, fiancée and myself) could discuss it as adults.
My mom wouldn't commit and refused to return my calls.
I tried.
My step dad was an ass. He hit me, called me names and my mom let it happen.
Does this info help to answer your questions?
Tonight there was a big blow out after thanks giving dinner and everyone sat around and talked and my fiancée told everyone how she didn't agree with my unwillingness to pay for my stepson to go to a fair he said was stupid and made a fuss. This upset me.
As I was leaving her whole family confronted me and told me that they're upset at the way I treat Joshua (among other things).
He brother in law got aggressively in my face and I had to get physical with him.
I'm not saying I'm perfect.
The bottom line is this...my stepson needs more patience and understanding then I am able of offer.
I've tried but her and I obviously aren't right for each other
I'm currently trying to sort out dividing our syuff and so on.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 3:55am

NC,

Thanks for the clarifying information. Wow, I get the state of your relationships now.

Your SO talking about her opinion of your willingness to reward her kid for being a little shit in a group setting was absolutely not appropriate IMHO. As for her BIL getting in your face over something that is absolutely none of his business, I hope he learned never to do that again. Wink

You may not have to give up your fiancée over this if you can sit her down and give her absolute clarity on never throwing you under the bus with her family again and not discussing things that should only be discussed between the two of you.

Good luck and best regards,

Nonchalant's picture

Submitted by Nonchalant on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 1:29pm

I hear you and appreciate your feed back. The thing is this;
She doesn't seem to see how it was handled on her end as an issue. I.e. Discussing it with the family and guests.
Its one of those things that I could argue until I'm blue in the face and still not make any headway.
I certainly don't want to go on a visit to see her family now and I will be walking around on eggshells and hiding my feelings when he acts up.
I'm the "tough" one when it comes to punishing poor behavior and feel that she let's them off easy-which frustrates me.

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 1:46pm

I'm so sorry to hear that she would allow all of this to happen in front of family. I'd be throwing in the towel, as well. You deserve someone who can respect/understand/support you. If you're willing to give it some more time, maybe counseling could help?

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 10/12/2010 - 1:57pm

Sounds like your fiance had the proverbial "veil" that came down over her eyes when her son was born that he is perfect and can do no wrong... all of his problems are everyone else's fault (and of course this is where you come in) These parents put their children on these ridiculous pedestals and like you said.. everyone must walk on eggshells rather than upset the prince/princess.

Sorry you're going through this, but I think you are wise in your thinking that if you have been going through this for some time and there is no common ground for you and your wife to agree on as far as discipline then there really is no future here.

Sad