Why do I feel so guilty all the time??
So, I've been a step-mother for 6 years. I'm not going to lie it's been hard, it's been sad, it's made me doubt myself and question everything I've ever believed in or thought about myself. All that for very little reward. I guess that's part of being a step parent.
Actually, I do have a reward, my 20 month old daughter, who makes everything worthwhile. And those stolen moments with the other half which remind me why I'm with him in the first place.
So why do I feel like a failure all the time? I think this is prompted by the behaviour of my 16 year old step son. He's been away for the past few weeks at his mothers. That's a long time for him to be away she normally gets fed up and sends him back much sooner. This time I really enjoyed him being away. The space, the order, the lower shopping bills! And time with my daughter and other half, just us as a 'proper' family.
So now I feel guilty, he's back and I don't want him here. I've realised he makes me feel like a stranger in my own home. I walk out the living room and he turns the channel over immediately. I make jelly for my daughters lunchbox and he eats it. I buy snacks for the week and they're gone within a day. He sits on his laptop looking for things he wants then spends all evening saying ' I want this, that, those'. He was even looking for cars last night. Such a dreamer.
But I feel so guilty because I really don't like him as a person. He's selfish, greedy and materialistic...and there's nothing I can do about it. I also heard from his sister that he had a hissy fit at his mums saying that she clearly didn't want him and we didn't want him either. So that makes me feel bad. Because he's right. I love it when he's not around and I dread him coming back. But I've never dine anything to make him feel unwanted. I never express my frustrations. I normally just end up upstairs on my own while he and his dad sit downstairs watching telly. A telly I bought and Sky that I pay for, but I font get to watch it.
There's no point to this really, just feel a bit down and fed up. I've had a horrible time with his sisters and found with the eldest it was just easier to stay out of her life. She prefers having her daddy all to herself. I'm Always cordial, but it's just easier to stay away. It just gets me down. Why do I feel this way? 
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i feel that way, too.... and
i feel that way, too.... and have concluded it's b/c some skids suck!
I swear if my daughter
I swear if my daughter behaves like that when she's older she'll certainly know how I feel about it. I just want to shake him and tell him to stop being such a brat! But I smile through gritted teeth and try to just get on with it. It's so frustrating not being able to tell him to pack it in and have some respect!
somehow, i've lucked out with
somehow, i've lucked out with the couch shit!! skids have tv/satellite in their room, so there is no need to be watching their crap in the living room..... b/c 1, i have the stereo on or 2, i'm watching my own show. why don't you find the need to vacuum twice when ss is sitting there annoying you?! }:) so it doesn't even happen here, YET.. i'm always afraid the table will turn when they hit the height of teen years.... but this unsaid/unwritten rule has been in place for so long, hopefully it won't change.
"why don't you find the need
"why don't you find the need to vacuum twice when ss is sitting there annoying you?! Evil"
LMAO thank you starfish
it's amazing how clean my
it's amazing how clean my house gets when skids are here pissing me off!
Part of it is simply because
Part of it is simply because step or not, teenagers can just suck the life right out of you! My oldest was a really difficult teenager. He's much better now that he is almost 21 and away at college. The "away" part is likely key! In contrast, my 17 year old (step)son has been a dream lately! He was really difficult during middle school.
My 16 year old daughter has been nothing but a joy as well. She is a great student and a great kid. I never have to get on her about anything.
My 14 year old (step)daughter can be pain in the ass. But she's slowly getting better. Middle school was really tough with her.
The jury is still out on my 8 year old. But so far, it doesn't look good.
I guess my point is that even if he were your biological son, he would be driving you insane. Nothing to feel guilty about. Teenage boys can just be horrible!
Why feel guilty? Your
Why feel guilty?
Your feelings or lack of feelings for him are based on his behavior. The facts of his behavior are not good or bad they are just facts.
Maybe instead of avoiding his issues and burying their heads in the sand in regards to his behavior everyone (BioDad, you, BM, Sis, etc....) should tell him exactly why no one wants him around. He is old enough to be accountable for his own actions and responsible for putting the personal effort in to fix his own character issues.
I am not saying not to support him if he puts the effort in. His dad, mom, sibs and Sparents can all certainly provide him with guidance as he transitions from teen to adult.
I have a similar issue with my wife's entire family. They all run around like the Emperor in the fairly tale about the Emporer's New Clothes. They make a never ending series of dipship decisions while the rest of them stand around saying "wow, that was a really good decision". No wonder why they all have serial car reposessions, home and farm foreclosures, multiple bankruptcies, out-of-wedlock children (until recently all of my ILs GrandKids were either born or conceived out-of-wedlock).
Then the asshole Son-in-law comes along and says. "Why are you asking how your crown and Emperial robes look when you are standing here butt neked?"
I am the one who tells them that the decions they are making are poor and what the results will be if they make them. Unfortunately have been right on every prediction so far as far as the IL's are concerned.
As you indicate is the case with your SS-16, my IL's situation is one situation where I would dearly love to not be right.
But, I don't feel guilty or bad about their situation. The reap what they sew and will continue to get the same results until they change what they are doing.
Insanity is watching the same movie over and over while expecting a different ending. People need to learn that if they don't like the ending, watch a different movie. (Figuratively of course)
Intead of feeling guilty I would just tell your SS why you feel the way you feel and the facts of his behavior that result in him not being particularly welcome in your or his BMs home.
Best regards.
@Rags if only life were so
@Rags
if only life were so simple. I would love nothing more than to get everyone to just sit down and talk about things in a grown up and productive way. Unfortunately the BM is a bit of a hypocrite in my opinion. To hear her talk you'd think the sun shined out of his arse. And she was the most amazing mother. She's a caring mother, but never disciplines... Just 'listens'. But her actions totally contradict this, she never lets him stay more than a few days before sending him back because she's sick of him and he's expensive. As if I don't know! Our food bill doubles when's he's around! It's me who has done all the washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking for him since he was 9. If I even said something detrimental about him she'd whip my head off! Although she has no idea what he's really like as she's never with him. When she moans about his behaviour everyone runs around saying how terrible it is and how ss needs to grow up. If I complain I'm just a moaner and picking on him...
I guess I feel that I've let him down, I've done all the practical stuff for him, but never got involved in his schooling or done the huggy thing. I just have no real affection for him and maybe that's partly why he's behaving the way he is?
And I guess I feel guilty because whilst I don't like him, I still care for his well being and I'd hate for any child to feel unwanted, especially one in my care. It's probably just my character flaw.