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Getting Over The Past ..any advice?

orbital's picture

About 2 years ago, DW and were living apart at the time because of our jobs, but kept the relationship going. Then one day out of the blue she just stopped taking my calls. I'd try to communicate with her any way I could to find out what was wrong - calling again, text, email -- it was like a total blackout. I kept on trying for a few days but it was the same result. She'd hang up, wouldn't speak to me, say what was wrong or anything. Eventually, I told her that I couldn't be with someone that didn't love me enough to even talk about our problems. I'd hoped that this would prompt her to open up and finally end the whole talk-blackout but all she said was that she pretty much thought it would happen and was hurt over it.

I text her to say that if she wanted to talk we didnt have to break up. Apparently, she didnt have her phone with her the rest of the day. She says that she was crying for most of it. Later on in the week she confessed that she had slept with someone else the very same day that we 'broke up' because she wanted someone to for a moment 'want her' and 'take away the pain'. She said that it happened because she'd been out at night crying on her street and he'd been someone that offered her a shoulder to cry on. She also mentioned she was attracted to him a little before the breakup so who knows what happened.

Till this day I haven't really forgiven her for it - if you really love someone, whether you think there's a chance you can get back together with them or not, you don't JUST go sleeping around with strangers.

It's been 2 years since then and although DW and I got back together about 5 months after what happened and have been together ever since, I still can't seem to let go of what happened. I sometimes worry about something like it happening again and from time to time I get insecure about myself because of it.

Does anyone have any advice over moving past something like this? Do you move past it? Is it possible?

Comments

forestfairy's picture

I think only you can answer that. Some people can and do get over it, some people never do. I would recommend that you and your wife go to marriage counseling, if you really want to save your relationship. Not only is it unfair for you to be in a relationship where you are always worried she'll cheat, but it's unfair to her for you to hold something over her head when you've taken her back. I think your best choices are to either really work on your relationship and try and forgive her, or to move on (if you don't think you can forgive her EVER).

I personally have only been cheated on once and I could not get over it. I was obsessed with it and it consumed my thoughts, so I moved on. This was a boyfriend though, not a marriage.

stepkate's picture

I second steperg. I'm going to quote a book that has helped me tremendously. Sorry if its a little too preachy or offends anyone who reads this, but if it might help, I think its worth posting:

...acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake...unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in y attitudes."

Sorry for using the dreaded G-word.

stepoff's picture

Why do so many people advocate that people just automatically split up when something happens? I don't understand that. Different people have different thresholds of acceptance of behavior.

Orbital, I agree with forestfairy. Only you can answer that question for yourself. You say it happened 2 years ago. Has your DW cheated since this episode? I'm assuming that you're living together again at this point. If there's no indication that she's cheated since, and you would like to save the relationship, you'll have to work at it. A marriage counselor is probably your best bet. If this was a one-time episode, it sounds like the problem is your acceptance of your DW's behavior 2 years ago, not with her current behavior. If things have been good since, I would suggest finding someone to help you work through the feelings of betrayal so that you can begin to trust your DW again and move forward.

stepoff's picture

Orbital is asking: Does anyone have any advice over moving past something like this? Do you move past it? Is it possible?

You have no advice regarding moving past cheating. You offer a simplistic: You just have to accept things are over. stop dating that person anymore...period. When its over its over, no going back.

He's not dating her, he's married to her. He would like to move PAST this. You've replied 3 times now, I think you've gotten your 'projected' message across.

winehead's picture

Yeah, it's not as simple as "leave" or "get over it." Orbital, I take it that you really love your DW and want to work things out. Couples can and do get past betrayals. I'm sure it's a hell of a lot of work, but if you both really want this, you can do it. Others have suggested marriage counseling, and I agree with that, and you might check out your library or bookstore too for reading material for ideas on how to rebuild your trust.