Amazing how quickly things can go from perfect to over......
DH and I have been married for a year and a half. We've known eachother for years. We were dealt some tough hands after our marriage but finally seemed to be at a perfect spot and blending our 4 kiddos (2 are mine, 2 are his) nicely. We were taking care of some legal issues, finding our places in our home, working out the kinks and the past weeks especially have been AMAZING....and then tonight it was all shot to heck in a split second.
He was watering the yard, my boys and I started chasing eachother around with water guns and squirting one another. He and the youngest one go into the house and hold the door playfully so my oldest and I can't get in. My teenager shoves his shoulder into the door to open it (we are all laughing and playing the whole time) and the door hits my husband's foot. In a fit of anger he grabs my son by the throat, I knock his arm away and he does it again, I knock his arm away again and step between him and my son and he put his hand on my throat. :jawdrop:
He might be several inches taller than me but I'm not scared of anyone. I get in his face and tell him that he owes my son and I an apology and laying hands on someone in anger is not tolerated in this house. He's still pissed and says he will do whatever the hell he wants to do to whoever is in this house. We exchange some more heated words, he refuses to admit he was wrong so I tell him he needs to leave. He says if he does, then it's for good. No argument from me! I won't tolerate abuse in my house. I grew up watching my parents physically abuse each other. I WILL NOT put my kids through that. As he's standing by his car he finally apologizes and asks what he can do to fix it. Nothing is my answer. I won't allow another chance for his anger to get the best of him. So, he's gone. I'm scared, and heartbroken, and hurt, and terrified but my boys are safe and they know that their mom won't tolerate anyone hurting them.
So many happy plans we had this upcoming month. His kids are supposed to come Thursday for a month, I spent all day with SD shopping and making plans for July and now, I'll likely never see them again. 
My boys are sad, they will miss their step siblings, grandparents, aunts, cousins......all taken from them in one split second of anger. My heart just hurts.
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Oh Jesus. I am so sorry. I
Oh Jesus. I am so sorry. I was just feeling bad for myself and pouting and now I'm feeling like a self-centered tool.
Maybe you can let him move off and get some counseling and try again.
I ALWAYS say this about anything: One time is a mistake. Two times is a pattern of behavior.
My ex-wife beat the shit out of me and I never learned. I always listened to the excuses. don't fall into that. But, one time might just be an anomaly.
Oh I'm hurting for you. Jeez... Hang in there...
Wow, lady. That is scary and
Wow, lady. That is scary and so heartbreaking.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and your kids. If someone will do that once, for something so little, it isn't unlikely it will happen again and perhaps more severely. That is not a healthy marriage model for your children and it certainly is not safe. He needs help. It makes me worry for his own children, but I don't know how much you can do if he hasn't done anything to them thus far.
Again, this is very sad.
Just know that you ARE doing the right thing.
im so glad you stood up for
im so glad you stood up for yourself. I cant believe he did that to your son TWICE in a row and then to YOU! over getting his foot hit? has he always anger issues?! My dh knows I would leave him in a heartbeat if he ever put his hands on me or our kids.
We've yelled before and when
We've yelled before and when I've blocked the doorway during an argument he has pushed me out of the way but this is the worse it's been. I could almost be more understanding of it if he had been in a bad mood or mad about something else but it's the speed in which he went from laughing and happy to angry enough to do what he did that truly terrifies me. This morning he's telling me that I'm his favorite wife (kind of an ongoing joke between the two of us) and 12 hours later he's threatening me and grabs me by the throat????
I love him, I want to be with him but what kind of message would that send to my boys? They are 14 and 7 they will always remember this, I don't want my oldest one especially to think for one second that I think what happened to him was OK. Even if my husband goes to counseling and apologizes I don't think it will ever be OK in my kids' mind. He did apologize to my son tonight before he left. He said he was sorry and wrong for what he did and that he hopes my son remembers how your actions can destroy everything in a split second. My son truly acted like a man beyond his years and simply replied with "ok" and "yes sir" and stuck his hand out to shake his when he said he would be leaving now.
Oh my GOD, this hurts soooooooo freaking bad.
My very 1st post indicates
My very 1st post indicates that our relationship hasn't been perfect. We've had some ups and downs and there have Bern some harsh words and some outbursts between the two of us but not at the kids. I know the man has a temper but I have learned what sets him off and have learned to navigate around it.
I'm not sure how you come to the conclusion that he has some "strong unmet needs" that could have contributed to his irrational behavior. Today went like this:
-he was supposed to pick up his kids at 9 am but he was tired when his alram went off and I was already up and dressed so I volunteered to let him sleep in while I picked up the kids for him. He was appreciative and went back to sleep.
- I return with the kids an hour later and make breakfast for the 6 of us while he showers and gets dressed. He comes out when it's ready and eats.
-kids go to the park and he gets on the computer while I start some laundy and sew some buttons on some shirts and shorts of his that needed replacing.
-kids come back and he plays a computer game with his boy while SD and I go do some shopping.
-SD and I come home and he and I make dinner together for the family and he picks out a movie for all of us to watch.
-He and I drive his kids back to their moms and on the drive back talk about July's upcoming events.
-we arrive home and he says he's going to water the yard and I say I'm going in to finish up laundry and clean our bathroom.
-I finish the bathroom and start a water squirting war with my boys which leads ultimately to this evenings major drama.
Please tell me what needs of his were not being met which would excuse him putting his hand on my son's throat in anger????? Me.....maybe excusable ONCE....my child....NEVER!
I can see some points
I can see some points BlendedFam was saying but I'm not sure if all of it applies to your situation. I don't think it matters at this point except that you need to continue being a hardass on this one. Something triggered him to react this way. Perhaps a week away from him would have worked but he laid a hand on your son too. More action needed now---like professional help. And he does need to apoligize and not ever do it again. He's teaching your son that's okay to fly off the handle because "he can do whatever he wants" I think that's what you said or something on the lines--but you get my drift. You'll be certain your son when he's grown would beat the living tar out that man if he so much as lays a hand on his mother. Now that's a scary thought.
As someone with former
As someone with former abusive relationships, your statement about navigating around his temper is a red flag. That is how it starts. You can't control someone who uses anger as a domination technique. That is the beginning of madness. Abusive people will snap at any time, sometimes for the most minor issues, it is unpredictable and that is why it is so scary. Check out Dr. Irene's verbal abuse site. Much abuse is covert but controlling none the less.
YES. I spent two years
YES.
I spent two years wondering what the hell I could possibly have done to make a tiny little 5'4", 120 lb. debutante beat me with a wine bottle or whatever she could grab. The answer is: Absolutely nothing.
You couldn't be more right. As soon as you start trying to tiptoe to keep them from beating you, the world turns on edge.
You HAVE to realize that no matter what is happening in your relationship, or what you're saying, or what you're doing, NOBODY has the right to abuse you physically.
X not worth the argument.
X
not worth the argument.
x
x
they were not fighting. his
they were not fighting. his actions are just out of line unacceptable.
period.
x
x
I think there were
I think there were unrecognized/unaddressed problems in your relationship that culminated in a very ugly scene. It's easy to point the finger at him and say it's all "his fault" because he was the boor that lost his temper and control.
***********
No. It IS his fault. He and he alone is responsible for his actions. If he has "unmet needs" there is another way to address them other than through anger and violence. While I agree that both people in a marriage contribute to the problems within that marriage, the victim shoulders no blame for the partner's violence. Blaming the victim, even a little bit, is wrong.
x
x
Your son handled a difficult
Your son handled a difficult situation very well. It really bothers me that dh put his hands on two people's throats a total of 3 times.
I can sort of understand one grab and then quickly letting go (that's what most people do) however, grabbing someone else is a very bad sign. He kept escalating when he knew what he was doing. Write this one down in your journal and start keeping a short record of things like this.
I'm really sorry you and your kids are having to experience this. It makes me worry that he kept escalating. Most people catch themselves when someone intervenes as you did. I can be very understanding of someone who briefly loses it and catches himself before someone gets hurt. I have much less understanding for someone who keeps on escalating when another person has intervened. That's a bad sign, sister.
I'm not saying your living with an abuser - but this incident should be written down.
this is terrible. My heart
:jawdrop: this is terrible. My heart goes out to you. Do you think it is over ? I don't know if you will ever trust him, but , wow, that was over so quick. Again, so sorry for you.
I'm glad you stood up for
I'm glad you stood up for yourself and your kids, but I personally feel that you may have overreacted based on the history of your parents, which is perfectly understandable.
I also feel that your DH overreacted based on the situation. You said he was holding the door "playfully". But he may have been "seriously" holding the door. I think guys take games, esp shooting games and sports, very seriously. He may have thought that since your son "knew" that he was "seriously" holding the door, that your son "intentionally" tried to shove it open, and that your son "knew" that he would get hurt but your son did it anyway. No doubt though that your DH overreacted in a rage. Did he hurt your son's throat? Did he hold tight? Or did he just hold? Either way, holding the throat is not a good thing at all, but it's also something that could have been done without any intention to hurt. I think dads usually think boys are tough and can be roughed up to be toughened up into men. A dad playfighting with a child is not an uncommon thing, especially with sons. What if it had been his kid he held and not yours, would you have reacted the same way?
You know the pain of seeing real abuse, however. And perhaps your DH did not really understand your hurt and could not have predicted your reaction in that situation, otherwise he may not have done it that way. This situation has never happened before, right?
Anyway, I think it would be very sad to see you guys split because of this, when you do seem so happy together and your families seem to be blending well.
Guys hate to apologize, it hurts their ego. But your DH HAS apologized and was willing to try to fix it. But you did not take him up on the offer because you see visions of your parents in your head and you do not want to end up like them. You are right to have that fear, but I think you owe it to your DH to tell him in detail about your past and how u felt about it and what you want for your kids, so that he understands you clearly and you can both take this as time for discussion in detail about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable and what's going to happen when unacceptable behavior takes place.
I know many here would not agree with me, but I would give him that ONE chance. After the discussion, if he loves you and really tries to understand you, it probably won't happen again. He is not your father, you are not your mother. But, if anything such as this ever happens again, you have every right to ask him to leave, because it would have been done knowingly.
"I personally feel that you
"I personally feel that you may have overreacted "
----------------------------------------------------
Grabbing someone by the neck is unacceptable.
The fact that guys take sports seriously is no excuse for him to put his hands on her child. How guys feel about apologizing is neither here nor there. No one enjoys making apologies. We make them because we owe them. She does not owe this man another opportunity to hurt her or her kids.
but to make a sweeping
but to make a sweeping generalization of my own...her comments make total sense, as she must have made many many excuses for her own life to have taken the abuse she did for so long.
I'm so sorry for you & your
I'm so sorry for you & your boys. It's sad that they were witnesses to such an ugly act. It is surely something they'll never forget. They will also never forget, however, that you were strong enough to put an end to it. They will continue to see your strength as you move forward through this difficult time. Having been a victim in physically abusive relationships (yes, more than one) I have come to the conclusion that if it happens one time, it's one time too many. There's no joy in living day-after-day in fear that this could be the day something minute pushes him to snap & it happens again. Someone who puts their hands on a person they love in anger is a dangerous person. You did the right thing.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your responses. While I might not agree with all of them I do appreciate all of the different views.
If he had done this to me only in the midst of a fight, it would be a one-time forgivable offense. However, because he did it to my child (any child) it's not excusable. I wouldn't be able to keep him away from his children but I CAN keep him away from mine. I could NEVER trust him alone with my boys after this incident.
I'm not willing to wait around while my children are in a potentially dangerous enviornment while he works on his anger issue. He and his ex-wife had violent physical fights. He and his family always claimed his ex was the crazy and violent one. I'm not disputing that but this event certainly makes me question if he wasn't sometimes the agressive one.
He wasn't upset, stressed out, depressed or anything of the sort yesterday and he hasn't been in several weeks. He was happy, laughing and looking forward to our future plans. We were playing like we've done a hundred times before.....then he snapped. I can't live in fear of when he will do so again and I won't expect my children to live in fear of that either.
I don't need anyone to validate my feelings on if my divorcing him is right or wrong. It's right for me and my boys and that's all that matters. I'm not willing to wait it out until the day he pulls a shotgun on me or one of my kids.
Best wishes to you & your
Best wishes to you & your boys. You'll be in my prayers.
My condolences that your DH
My condolences that your DH was found lacking in character and as a man.
I have never layed a hand on a woman in anger. I punched a fence once (had to go to the hospital to get large wood slivers surgically removed) and a wall once (hit a stud and broke my hand) but never have I struck a woman in anger or on purpose.
Good luck to your and your boys.
Best regards.
Good luck Wife Version2! I
Good luck Wife Version2! I think you are doing the most courageous thing to drop him & the prospect of this happening again. A weak man buckles to physical abuse when at the edge of his temper. Life is too challenging for them to act civil. They are above the most basic law in the United States. No they are not. Your DH should move to a 3rd world country if he wants to act that way & legally get away w/it. This is a free country Wife.
And your son sounds so mature in how he handled it. You & your DH are very lucky. No wonder you've chosen the best action for everyone in the house (DH included) and he apologized. He picked the wrong target didn't it? I am all about 2nd chances (not 3rd) & forgiving but on something you can't b.c. your life depends on your decision.