It isn't possible to make step children happy
Over the many years I've been around my stepchildren I've decided there is no way to make them happy or even become friends with them. Every situations has some issue that comes up with it.
For instance, the three adult step daughters wanted to have their father's (my husband's) birthday party at our house this last weekend on Sunday. They were to bring all food with them already cooked, but when they arrived, the cake still needed to have frosting made for it, their food still needed to be mixed and cooked, and ingredients from my house became ingredients for the food for the party they wanted to put on at my house. Then the big mess (that will take me every day after work to clean up for the rest of the week) gets left for me to clean up. I get tired of it.
This stuff happens over and over and their Dad (my DH) says he really doesn't even want a party because in reality, it is a party for them not a party for him. They do this with dinners, too. Here's the scenario: "Dad, I want to cook you and your wife dinner" and their Dad says, "OK, at your house?" and then the SD (which ever one or all) says, "No, I don't have [this, that, or the other] at my house, so I will cook at your house. I will clean everything up and bring everything in that I need, but your house is bigger [or this, that, or the other] and I need to cook at your house." Then I get left with the dishes that sometimes make it in the dishwasher, but are so dirty that they have to be taken out of the dishwasher and rinsed in order for them to actually get cleaned during the dishwasher cycle, other items that don't go in the dishwasher that have to be washed, the house a big pig pen, lots of extra garbage to gather and take out, pop cans that need to be rinsed and taken back to the store for a refund, and then I have to restock the pantry with food. I just find it amazing. My husband has also taken to not asking me if it is OK with me if the girls come over and cook in my house, he just springs it upon me with "Oh, by the way, Sunday the girls are giving me a birthday party." Then I ask, "So what are they planning on doing? Is everything going to be ready for the party like the cake and food and are they going to bring it to the house all done, or are they going to be cooking in the kitchen, using my ingredients, and making a big mess for me to clean up?" Then my DH replies, "No, everything will be cooked ahead of time and they will be bringing it here, and they'll clean up the messes they make." But what really happens is just the opposite. Then my husband will start on some of the mess, but then I end up with the majority of it to clean up.
The entire time the girls are at my house they still make the same snide, smart-ass remarks they made to me the whole time they lived at home with us along with giving me the "stink eye" repeatedly. Nothing ever changes for the better with them. I'm really sick of it with them. The only good thing is that at least they don't live with me anymore. I really cannot stand being around them for very long periods of time.
Maybe they are happy and I am miserable being around them. They are not the kind of people I would normally be friends with. In fact, they are the kind of people I would normally avoid being around.
Comments
Easily said, not easily done,
Easily said, not easily done, Crayon.
Also, from what I understand, it wasn't so enjoyable in the "previously enjoyed family" situation.
Which brings me to the
Which brings me to the conclusion that the ONLY way to stay SANE if you DO have adult "skids" is the just DETACH and let "daddy" take care of things.
Best thing that happened for my MARRIAGE, best thing that happened for my own mental HEALTH was to just STOP trying to put a square peg in a round hole and drive myself crazy trying to "please" people who I will never be able to please.
Once I put all the energy into trying to please THEM into taking care of ME, things fell into place. They thrived on knowing that I was trying and they had the power to just ruin things.
And, it has truly worked in all areas of life as well. Nasty coworkers, rude neighbors, etc. Just detach. OK to smile, say "hi", but as a dear friend once advised me "Be friendly, but not too familiar." Focus on all the wonderful, POSITIVE people in your life (including YOU)....when the others want to step up to the plate, then you can consider whether they merit your time or not!!
Set the rules, and stick to
Set the rules, and stick to them. If they make the mess and then try to walk out the door without cleaning, clear your throat (loudly) and point to the dirty dishes in the sink. Before they come over, hide the spices. Make sure they put all the garbage in a bag when they're done, then tie it up and leave it by the door so they can take it on their way out. OR, simply make them have the party at their house. Even if/when DH doesn't consult you beforehand, when he does tell you about the plans, tell him "that won't do". Then it's up to him to call them back and rearrange the plans.
There's one thing I noticed in my relationship with my SD. Like you, nothing I do is ever good enough and will NEVER make her happy. I've finally realized this. If I kiss her ass, the best I can hope for is her crappy attitude. When I stopped kissing her butt, she got downright nasty and mean. Can never win. I'll save my pride and let her be nasty. Less work on my part.
Nope, I'm done with leaving
Nope, I'm done with leaving my home for the SD's to have parties at my house without me there. I've done that in the past and it was a mistake. Then they treat me like I shouldn't be in my own house and as if they have "one up" on me. What I think should go on is that when they decide they want to "cook dinner for dad and his wife" then they should cook dinner at their homes and have parties at their homes where they cook and clean up there own messes and when we are ready to leave, we can go, instead of waiting for them to leave our house.
Even better idea.
Even better idea.
That sucks! However, if these
That sucks! However, if these were your bio-daughters I can almost guarantee it would NOT be an issue...which does not mean it's ok...No matter what others believe, it is close to impossible to have the dynamics of an intact family in a blended family...except when the DH or BM has always been out of the picture and the steparent has been allowed to be a true parent to the kids...if not, there will always be issues of the bio-parents attempting to make a blended family be an intact family and it won'r work...Again, parents divorce and create "broken" families (no insult meant...) and then expect a spouse to create an intact family out of a blended one...
Only when both bio-parents aré respectful of the other as well as the other's spouses does a blended family have a chance...
I think so, too. These girls
I think so, too. These girls are all in their twenties and plenty old enough to have pots, pans, cooking utinsels, ingredients, ect. in their own kitchens. Some of their stuff was my stuff that they took with them when they FINALLY moved out. The middle one took all of my camping cookware with her when she left and I had a good set up. The other two just took things over time. I kept having to replace baking dishes and stuff like that. It drove me crazy. I have to wonder how much stuff walked out this Sunday due to their cooking spree. I'll figure it out once I find my kitchen again. They can really make a huge mess!
Trust me, if these girls were
Trust me, if these girls were my biological daughters and they left me with a huge mess it would be an issue. I was raised by a wonderful mother who taught me to cook and clean up after myself and that you don't turn someone's kitchen into a destruction zone. Cleaning as you cook is easier too. In fact, the only reason it wouldn't be an issue is because if they were my biological daughters I would have had a say in how they were raised and they wouldn't leave great big messes for me to clean up, and if they did, there would be hell to pay...
Okay, this is a big problem,
Okay, this is a big problem, because although you are sharing your home with your husband and his kids have a right to visit their dad in his home, it's your home too and what they are doing is completely disrespectful and inappropriate. I would never let anyone walk into my house, make a mess and then leave without cleaning it up.
If I were you, I would sit down with your husband and lay out some ground rules. Make it clear that his children are always welcome in your home, but only if they follow some basic rules. If they come over to cook or throw a party or anything of the sort, they need to behave like decent people and be polite and respectful to the host of the home they are in (YOU). After working it out with your husband, sit down with the girls and your husband and as a team tell them that although their efforts to do nice things for their dad are appreciated, they need to follow through and clean up any messes they make. The number one rule should be that your house and kitchen should look exactly the way it did when they arrived. If they say they are bringing food and then try to mooch food off of you, tell them that it is not acceptable and if they need more supplies they can go to the store and buy them themselves. If they do take ingredients from your kitchen, give them an invoice and make them pay for the items they used, but did not buy. I cannot imagine skids this rude, ESPECIALLY given that they are adults! Shame on them, they should know better!
Because they have done this multiple times, I would give them one more chance, after explaining the rules. Tell them clearly that if they do not follow your house rules and clean up after themselves, they will no longer be welcome to throw parties or dinners at your home. If they refuse then they can arrange to have a venue reserved somewhere else. I wouldn't let a five year old mess up my house and I wouldn't let a thirty five year old mess up my house. No matter your age, it's not okay to go to someone else's house and make a mess and then leave.
I am highly against the suggestion that you leave the house when they come over. It is YOUR home too and there is no reason why you should have to leave your own home in order to accommodate them. If your husband has a problem with this then make him responsible for his children's rude behavior. If he is going to allow his children to make a mess in his house and not clean it up, then HE should be the one cleaning it up, not you. If anyone should leave the house, it should be your husband and them. If they are incapable of doing something nice AND cleaning up after themselves AND being polite and friendly to you, then they should not be welcome in your home.
It is his house too, but it is also your house. You are sharing a home 50/50 and that means that one of you does not have control or precedence over the other, but it doesn't mean that he can have guests (family included) that come in, trash your house and then leave. They are there because their father lives there and so he is responsible for monitoring the behavior of people he invites into your shared home. If you brought a starving homeless man into the house and let him spill trash and garbage all over the place and then expected your husband to clean up after him, would that be fair? You are not their maid and you deserve to be treated with respect in your own home. Unacceptable behavior includes dirty looks, nasty comments and messes. While it is nice that they cook for their dad, to me it would be the equivalent of making a painting at someone's house as a gift and then leaving paint and art supplies lying around.
Talk to your husband and stand your ground because this situation isn't fair to you at all and no woman, wife, mother, step-mother etc... should feel invaded or treated like a maid in their own home. After you get your husband on the same page, sit down with the girls and explain the new rules (it would be best if it was coming from your husband with you right beside him-so they know he is backing you up) and the new consequences. This is completely ridiculous behavior and it sounds like they are acting like bratty five year olds in adult bodies.
Who lives in your house full time? You and your husband. Therefore, your needs and rules are the top priority, not the adult step-children that don't even live there. If his kids don't show you the respect you deserve in your own home, you need to sit down with your husband and let him know clearly that you are coming in last in the priorities and that something is going to have to give. Either they shape up or you ship out.
Thanks StepMadre and everyone
Thanks StepMadre and everyone else.
Lots of good advice.