Serious family issues
I have a child from a previous relationship and I'm now newly married. I love my w and bd so much, but they don't like eachother. My bd waits for me to leave to go to work and then gives my W a hard time. My bd tells my wife that she wants to go and stay with her mom, but not in the innocent child way. My bd is 6 but is crafty like she's 16. She finds my W buttons and pushes them all. To make matters worse, my bd has a fight with my W and when my bd gets to school, she tells her teacher's aid that her SM beat her and threw her into the bed and that her BD beats her with a big wooden spoon and also hits her. CPS came to our door while I was at work and grilled my W about said allegations. My W was devastated. Some of the things my bd did say I have also witnessed. My W hates the fact that I have a child with another woman. She hates my daughters existence with every ounce of her being. My W conveys her dislike for my bd to my bd without thought. She's told my bd that she wished she would go and live with her bm. I know my bd feels out of place with my W and I know my W feels out of place with us as a family. We now have a baby on the way and I'm so afraid that my W is going to either leave or split our little family down the middle with W and our child against myself and bd. All I've ever wanted was to have a happy family. My W constantly tells that she'll leave me and take the baby with her because she doesnt trust my bd around the new born. I'm torn. I also have strong resentment towards my wife for things that she had said to me. We argued one time and she had told me that my child should have been aborted........with my bd sitting in the back seat. Who does that? I love my wife but i'm resenting her. What do I do?
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Your wife saying that your BD
Your wife saying that your BD should have been aborted is absolutely disgusting. When I was pregnant with my BD someone (who was very intoxicated and on drugs) told me that she hoped my baby would die. That is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life and if your wife keeps repeating it it will stick with your daughter too. Sit them both down at the same time and tell them BOTH "I love you both and you don't have to like each other, but you WILL be polite to each other". Then later when you two are away from BD tell your wife that the comments about BD being aborted STOP NOW. And you let her know if it is said again, you will report it to CPS and walk out. That is abuse and if she does do it again you should report it. I agree with shootingstars that if she is capable of saying something like that then she may indeed have the capability of abusing your daughter when you're not around. Don't write your daughter's accusations off as lies just yet. And reporting the "abortion" talk to CPS will give you documentation should you ever need it in the future with your unborn child. You just never know.
I have been on the end of having my SD's tell lies about me also. I used to do a lot for them and now, as a result of their lies, I barely speak to them. I am not rude to them, but I say no more than is necessary.
Was your BD living with you when you met and married your wife? If so, she needs to shut the hell up about not liking you having another child with another woman. Yes it sucks that she doesn't get to have your first, but she needs to come to a site like this to let her frustrations out and not let them out on your daughter. She needs to grow up.
Wow, none of that sounds like
Wow, none of that sounds like fun. The hateful abortion comment would probably make me leave her if I were you, and the daughter accusing her of a serious crime would probably make me leave you if I were her. Problems on both sides here.
I agree with Stepkate.....Bad
I agree with Stepkate.....Bad all the way around on this one. Sounds like the females in your life are completely out of control.
The abortion thing should have never been said.
To allow the child of only 6 to behave the way she does should never go on.
You sound like you are a very passive individual and I think you need to stand up and put your foot down. With both of them. Some times getting to the point of having a Happy family takes alot of hard work. Espicially when blended.
There is alot of anger in your home and if you do not address it you new baby will grow up with all of this anger around them. Will not make for a happy or whole child. It also sounds as if this child will be used as a pawn.
Good luck to you!
I feel for your W. She may
I feel for your W. She may sound crazy but these situations can make you crazy. I've never gone as far as she has, but my SS14 told our counselor that I choked him and it made me SO ANGRY that I WANTED to do those things. Many of the things she's said, I've thought.
Sounds to me like she doesn't have a filter, you know the one between the brain and the mouth.
I DO think counseling will help. It should help both of them to learn how to talk to each other in a proper manner. I think that your BD and your W both need it, and it wouldn't hurt to help you through this. A lot of counseling may be covered by medical insurance, so it shouldn't be a huge expense.
I would suggest it ASAP. Let your wife know that you don't want her to leave. The counseling is to help SD control her behavior so she is no longer provoking your W. She should be open to it.
I think anyone who suggests leaving a marriage and splitting up a family without counseling first is a moron.
I remember being pregnant and
I remember being pregnant and all the terrible feelings that turned up regarding my husband's 2 kids (and their mom) when the insecurity kicked in. My own family says I was very crazy during pregnancy, and it probably had a lot to do with hormones.
However, my step-kids (other than parroting a couple mean things their mom said) continued to be welcoming to me and enthusiastic about their new brother or sister because DH would not put up with any disrespect. And I complained, in private, to my DH but I never said anything hurtful to those kids, because none of the drama of the situation was their fault, they are simply innocent victims in all the pull and tug.
Your wife really needs to be the adult here. She needs to see that there's a scared little girl whose daddy just got taken away by another woman and there's also another child on the way that could possibly replace her. You need to see that your wife may be feeling very scared and resentful too (there is this feeling of not being first and special that drives us second wives pretty crazy). Both your wife and your daughter need a LOT of reassurance that you have lots of love enough for everyone, and that they are each very very special.
For the sake of your daughter, any arguments between you and your wife should take place behind a closed door. And perhaps you can appeal to the soon-to-be-mom, saying "Honey, I know your hormones are out-of-whack and it's making you feel some pretty crazy things but that statement about abortion was way out of line. Would you like it if someone said such a thing about OUR baby?" If your wife has absolutely no remorse about saying such a thing in the heat of anger though, I would be very very wary.
Hating a kids existence is one thing, I think many step-parents feel a twinge of hatred at some point, but being disrespectful to a kid because of it is certainly not the answer, so your wife may not like your daughter but you have to demand that she respects her. Kids are also allowed their moments of "hating" too, but you have to demand respect for your wife as well, when your daughter gives her a hard time. If your wife is being disrespectful to your kid, it is the same as being disrespectful to you. And if your daughter is being disrespectful to your wife, it is the same as being disrespectful to you.
You have a lot to do with how this situation turns out. Please be strong and take charge. A little respect goes a long way. Good luck!
Get a micro recorder, record
Get a micro recorder, record your wife's threats and comments and when the baby arrives take the baby and your elder daughter and leave. File for immediate custody of the baby and a restraining order against your wife.
I would not want a person that is that evil, immature and abusive any where near any of my children were I you.
Good luck and best regards.
im actually the wife that is
im actually the wife that is in this blog, and what my DH here fails to tell you all is that yes i may have made a mistake and said something about his daughter being aborted i immediately apologized over and over again that i should not have said what i did and continue to do so even now a yr later. The argument that day was a long one and a little blurred by alcohol, that was the only time it had ever been said and was never ever repeated. Before we had gotten married i had made sure and asked him whether or not he was planning on keeping his daughter full time and that if he was i was not going to able to be apart of his life because i knew i would feel this way, i had no problem having her on weekends and such just not full time. He assured me that no she would only be with us part of the time, them less than a yr into our marriage, without consulting me, he decides to put her into school in our district so she would be with us all the time. I was fine still with everything until i lost my job and he started a new one, so guess who had to do everything...me, i had to deal with the teacher's, her mother, his mother, everything i never wanted to deal with. She does things behind his back when hes not around she tells me that she doesnt like me and doesnt care about the baby, then when hes around it "oOHH i love you and im sooo excited for my baby sister" i call Bull shit! Im stressed to the max all the time bc of his daughter, her acting out hasnt just come about, it had been this way before we even had gotten married. So for him to think im not going to resent him and his child is completely crazy.If a child is telling you all the time that the want to go to the other parents house instead, by the 5th time your going to say well then go to you mom's house i want you to! And Dh has done this too, there has been many occasions where he has told her well if thats where you want to be then go, i also want you to go. Anywho this has gotten alot longer than i anticipated, But there is alot more to our situation than me just being a crazy pregnant lady.
The argument that day was a
The argument that day was a long one and a little blurred by alcohol,---ARENT U PREGNANT STUPID?
ok, i think that your sd has major issues. she needs therapy NOW. like YESTERDAY.
and so do you. i dont think things u have said are right at all. but, i think u are pushed to the brink---please get help.
She said the comment was made
She said the comment was made over a year ago and she's pregnant now, so obviously she wasn't pregnant at the time. I don't really think there was a need for name calling.
But she said they were in the
But she said they were in the car. Was she driving? Was the driver 'blurred by alcohol'?
She's sick and she needs help. The father needs to get the EFF away from her. He needs to get a restraining order - this woman is POISON. He needs to take his child and get the baby the second it's born.
My DH was driving not me, i
My DH was driving not me, i was the one who had drank.
Yea I am pregnant now but i
Yea I am pregnant now but i wasnt when we had the argument A YEAR AGO, you would have known that if you had read the entire post.
>>> Before we had gotten
>>> Before we had gotten married i had made sure and asked him whether or not he was planning on keeping his daughter full time and that if he was i was not going to able to be apart of his life because i knew i would feel this way, i had no problem having her on weekends and such just not full time.<<<
This right here is why you should have walked regardless of what his answer to you was. He was a father before he was anything to you. ANYONE who gets involved with/marries a parent needs to be willing to accept having their spouses child live with them full time at any point. The case may be that he choose to have his child live with him full time, but that doesn't really matter. What if this little girls mother had died or decided to just leave? Should he find another family member to take her or put her in foster care because he told you once upon a time that he didn't plan to have her living with him FT? While it may suck that you feel he lied to you, the reality is that you should never have asked the question in the first place. Again, being involved with a parent means you have to accept the reality that the child/ren may someday live with you FT.
You sound like my whiny 12 yr old when he doesn't get his way because circumstances changed. "But YOU SAID (insert whatever is being whined about now)!!!!!" This sounds like a man who made a decision that he thought was in the best interests of his daughter, regardless of how you felt about it. For that I applaud him.... what would make him a POS father in my eyes would be to not do what is in her best interests now and get her away form you.
sapnaf, While what you said
sapnaf,
While what you said in the heat of an arguement was incredibly wrong, I'm not going to get on you because of it. I see that you have apologized repeatedly and it happened a year ago.
In your situation, I'd be angry as hell and resentful too. A lot of other women who have posted on here about the same scenario have expressed anger too. If I signed on for an EOW life after making it clear to my future spouse that I could not handle full time and he pulled a bait and switch like yours did - hell yes I'd be pissed.
If you want to stay married to your H, I feel you need to pursue some marriage counseling. A third party may be able to give you skills to cope with your situation, and may make him see how wrong he was to change things the way he did.
Without counseling and some understanding all around, you will continue to be stressed and angry, and he'll continue to throw that year old statement/arguement in your face. That's no environment to bring up a new baby in. Good luck.
"Before we had gotten married
"Before we had gotten married i had made sure and asked him whether or not he was planning on keeping his daughter full time and that if he was i was not going to able to be apart of his life because i knew i would feel this way, i had no problem having her on weekends and such just not full time."
Anyone who is entering into a marriage with another person who has children has to know and be prepared that there is ALWAYS a chance that the child/ren could come to live with you full-time. Did you ever consider that sometimes people die in car accidents or have cancer? A lot of times, parents don't wait to die until their child is an adult, you know. Sometimes things happen. Then who would the child live with? A neighbor? A grandparent? Aunt, uncle? No, with the other parent, if they're alive and fit. How could you even ask something like that?
You sound very angry, resentful and unable to control your emotions. That's not good for any child to be around. You are part of this problem and you are the only one who can change the way you act and react in your situation. Stop blaming the 6 year old child for things that you can control. Stop blaming your husband and his actions. Start taking responsibility for YOU.
I dont know if you had read
I dont know if you had read my post about the entire CPS indecent( if you havent maybe you should, but that morning was like any other except SD didnt want to brush her teeth and we were running a little late, thats all, she didnt like the fact that i yelled at her to hurry up. She went to school and told them i was beating her throwing her into the bed, pushing her to the floor...etc SD beats herself soo bad sometimes, she gets bruises, this has all been documented at school. Anyway what she told them that i did she had actually done to herself. When Dh asked her why she did this she said bc she likes hurting me, that she likes getting me in trouble, and that she likes to lie, it makes her feel good. CPS has visited us many times since this and they dont see a problem, but you do? Who are you to think you are? what makes you soo knowledgeable as to what is going on in my home? Im not gong to lie ive swatted her on the butt once or twice( with DH present) I even told the CPS agent that, and she had no problem with it. I dont know what you think is "going on" at our house, but how can it be, i live next door to my mother-in-law, who doesn't give me a chance to breathe in alone. Believe me if something was going on she would have done something already.
Shootingstars...does it make
Shootingstars...does it make you feel good to insult someone who is already down?? Emotionally mistreated?? really?? It was one time and she was freaking asleep in the back seat, its not like we were arguing and she was there and i looked her straight in the face and said it. DH isn't the best father on the planet either, If it wasnt for me HIS daughter would never even make it to school, have food to eat, do her little homework...etc Im not going to apologize for not liking a child, but with that said just bc i dont like her doesnt mean im going around hitting her or "emotionally mistreating" her. This kid was screwed up way before me, even DH's own mother has said SD has improved since ive been around.
I think the whole thing was a
I think the whole thing was a wind up. They were probably 'both' kicked off for being the same person.
BTW, if 2 people share a computer but have different user names they'd have the same, or in the case of dynamic ip assigment, similar ip addresses and so would look like the same person.
Now that I've said that I wonder how many of the abusers will claim that they are 'sisters' sharing a computer?
Believe me we are not the
Believe me we are not the same person. We come on here bc we have genuine issues that we cant deal with and you throw allegations at us. We are all on this site bc we have issues that we need to vent at some point, and just bc My husband and i both utilize it no one should believe us?? if you dont have anyting important to say or any advice then please dont waste your time to post.