I guess I could understand if you were having a night alone, a date night or something.

But, IMO, is is skids house too. I have no problem with SD stopping in (she just walks in, I don't ask her to knock), or coming over to get something she forgot.

Sometimes I am busy or my kids are taking nap, but my SD is welcome anytime.

The only advice I can give is that as time goes on I think you will adjust to having Skids.

Maybe during the adjustment period the kids could be given a time they can't come by before. I don't know what time they popped by on Saturday but it sounds like it was early. Also maybe you could have one day off limits for you and your husband to have a date night. Also maybe having a night when they come over every week as a family night might help you bond some. Mixing families is hard on everyone.

I am about six months into a relationship with a man with a son. The first four months of our relationship, I remained kind of out of his son's line of sight. He knew I existed. He knew who I was, but we gradually brought me into the situation. Personally, I'm a fan of how this has gone. My previous relationship involved a man who I was engaged to and cheated and had twins with someone else, and they were just kind of pushed on me. That abrupt adjustment didn't work for a number of reasons. This more gradual one has worked nicely. I haven't met BM, and I can certainly understand not wanting to do so when you're in your bathrobe. That being said, maybe you can find a space that is yours. I have a friend who takes walks whenever she needs some space. They have dogs, so it is practical, too. I don't live with BF; although, it has been brought up that it may be a possibility next spring. We have a long way to go before we get to that point, though. BF already has boundaries on BM that she is not to walk into his house, even when she is with their son. She is to knock or wait for him. It is the same courtesy he gives her. They are fairly amicable because there is a mutual level of courtesy. I live by myself now, and I love my privacy and my down time, but I also know that at some point, if I want this relationship to continue, I will have to compromise it. One thing that has helped my hesitancy to be in another relationship with someone with kids is the fact that I feel comfortable talking to BF about my feelings. I don't expect him to change something, but it is nice when he hears how I feel and is understanding of that. That alone makes some things a little easier for me. I hear his fears about me and his son out, too. This weekend, it was some concern that his son doesn't hug me. Whatever. His son will in his own time. But, I did make the effort to let his son know it is ok with me if he chooses to do that.

How do you know they aren't happy he is happy outside of them and work? There sounds like more to the story.

It is and will continue to be a big adjustment on your part. Having never been a BM yourself (me either) the entire concept of children can seem intimidating. Plus your meeting them when they are all ready older and kind of past that "bonding" age. But yes, you have to realize that your "personal time" will probably suffer, as well as your alone time with DH. In the overall picture of things, if you have made the decision to be with this man than you will have to accept and respect his relationship with his children. And I'm sure that you have noticed by reading these blogs things can be a lot worse off. I suggest that you talk to DH about your feelings, but don't go into it expecting too much change (maybe just some door hours). Remember that DH wants it all, he wants his kids and you, ideally together. But it does sound like BM has some double standards, but I think they all do. .

Pick your battles. The S-Kids coming over announced or not seems inevitable, so put some locks on the bathroom doors and leave the BM on the porch! ---M

It is not OK to have the kids or BM come over unannounced. Not to get something they forgot or for whatever reason. But, you can't just put your foot down and say no coming over when it's not your week here.

A call before coming over is a basic courtesy that the kids should learn, even if BM doesn't. What if no one is home? Or what if you are in the middle of some "private time?" Yes, it is the kids house, but just like the house you grew up in is your house, once you move out, you can't just barge in on your parents whenever you like.

Divorce sucks. Having to go back and forth from one house to the other sucks. But, that's the way it goes and along with it come different modes of operation than with a non-blended family.

The kids have the right to take things back and forth from one house to the other and they have the right to see both their parents during their time with the other parent, but you also have the right for some semblance of routine, for knowing when you can relax, especially if your not a sole custodial parent and didn't sign on for that. It's not like you're complaining about your kids coming in from playing outside. You just want, at least, a heads up. To have your concerns taking into account.

I bet that if the kids called and said, "Hey Dad, I forgot my baseball hat, can I come by and get it?" and he covered the mouthpiece and said, "Hey Honey, Jr. forgot his baseball hat, mind if I take it to him?" or "Mind if he stops by and grabs it? I'll have it ready for him by the front door." You would say, "No problem!" with a smile. Right? This is DH being an active parent and an active husband, and he needs to be both. I'll even bet that you'd be willing to say yes even if DH didn't offer to take it over to him or find it for him. Yeah? This is not an unreasonable request. Neither would it be unreasonable if you said, "Honey, we're in the middle of a romantic dinner. Can it wait until the morning?" Even better, don't answer calls from them. Let it go to voicemail. If it's an emergency, you can deal with it. If not, you can decide whether to deal with it now or later. That's what we do. Partly because we never know if it's the kids legitimately calling or just BM calling to bitch at us.

The way we deal with this and similar issues in our house is to say that we respect the kids time with their mother and would like the same from them and her. Kids get it. They know it's weird for mom to show up at dad's doorstep. And, if you explain this to them kindly and straightforwardly, they will be fine with it. Kids thrive with routine and order and rules. It's simple, it's easy and it generally takes away stress for them.

I said this in another post and I'll say it again here. This issue is something that BM tried to knock me for in our child custody evaluation. And the evaluator stood up for me and said that it was the right way to go.

Now, I'm not saying that this all happened over night and that I was magically able to get my DH (dumb head) to see the light. No, it was long and painful. But, what dads need more than anything is to be told that they are good dads, and that setting boundaries is not going to make them bad dads or make their kids hate them, it will make them better and make the kids respect and love them more.

So, stand up for yourself, but take it easy, men are fragile and stupid. Don't we know it?

Belle -

Whoever it was who said that is just fine and dandy for the stepkids to just come and go as they please when they want - is wrong. That is your house too. When you started dating - and became serious - you knew he did not have custody of the children. You are entitled to alone time in your own home. If your husband or whatev does have the children on certain days - that is when they need to be there. If they want to come on other days they need to call first. I nmy own opinion - I think the courts tend to set child support on how much time the kids spend with the father - if he is paying a ridiculous amount of CS and they kids are at your house more than theirs - this needs to recorded and be taken before a judge and get that CS lowered. And as far as birth mother goes - she should not be permitted passed the front door. No double standards should exist. That is a reasonable request. She may drop them off at the front door.

You do not have children. That is why you expect privacy. If you choose motherhood - then you can give that up - but a few comments on here are absurd and they must be the BM's that allow their children to barge in and out of whomever house's they please. You are in the right to expect some alone time and privacy.

I am 42 and live near my parents whom I am very close with. I would NEVER just drop by at their house without calling first and checking to make sure it is OK. My parents love me, they feel their home is my home, but I respect them and respect their privacy, thus I continue to check if it was OK to come over.