new to everything STEP - and having a hard time with DH and BD...
new and i hope the acronyms are right....here we go-
hi, me and my boyfriend aren't married but we are living together not quite a year yet so i am refering to him as DH but ???? anyways- My partner has very distinct ideas about dealing with teenager's bad behaviour, his ideas aren't necessarily bad its just they are different than how I handle them bottom line he is strict and not flexible at all. Me, my BD (16) and BS (14) live in his house. THe kids go to their BD on wkds only now, it used to be 50-50 but thats gone out the window since BD skipping school and some drug use and BS is about to fail the 8grade. when it was me and the BF i was the disciplinarian and rule enforcer. now that we are in the SD's house its all him. I decide what happens when my kids screw up and he his. but if I am not holding up and being strong he/DH comes in and takes over. Thus, an argument with my kids and him erupts and i step in to stop it which is according to DH favouring the kids and not being strong about the issues or punishment. I try to explain its not the rule or the punishment I am trying to stop but the argument. He disagrees and it comes across as me being a weak parent. He does not handle my kids well most times and they are having a hard time showing manners and obedience towards him because of the way he speaks to them and the way he treats them. I am also hurt by him because if i don't handle my kids the way he would we argue. I don't know where to go from here to try to get everyone to learn to live with each others differences. PLUS i have a big decision to make about my BD schooling and I am stressing about how my DH is going to take the news if he doesn't agree.
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Comments
The two of you should sit
The two of you should sit down and discuss household rules and what the consequences will be for broken rules. There will be things that you don't agree with and things that he doesn't agree with, but that's when you both have to atleast meet somewhere in the middle. Once the two of you have established rules/consequences then you can present them to the kids as a ***united front***, this eliminates the children feeling as though they are being punished unfairly by the step parent, and eliminates the step parent from feeling the parenting style is too lax.
There will always be things that come up that maybe you haven't discussed when you originally sat down to establish the rules, so in those situations it's best for the bio parent of the child to do the discipline and to handle it the way he/she see's best, then if there are any issues with how it was handled, discuss after, come to a compromise, and present it that way from then on.
***There should never be any disagreements on discipline in front of the kids***
Honestly, it's my opinion that the final decision on how to handle the children are the biological parents decision...BUT, if it is effecting the household in a way that isn't positive for others, the step parent, IMO, has a right for his/her opinions on the matter to be incorporated as well.
Hi, Ideally SK and BK should
Hi,
Ideally SK and BK should be treated the same where possible...same rewards, same discipline etc but this usually causes a problem because obviously before you met your DH both the SK and BK were used to very different ways of being brought up, thus they will both need to adapt to the changes and so will you and your husband. Try and sit down and make a list of rules, discipline methods, rewards etc that should be applied to both SK and BK, this will be easier if they are of similar age. It wont be easy but both of you will need to compromise. Once you have done this you should sit down with all the kids together and explain the new rules to them, after this you must both stick to it, NO EXCEPTIONS.
You probably get protective over your kids, as most parents do, but try to understand there may be times when you are not around and so your DH has to discipline the kids. If you are both following the same rules then it shouldnt be too much of a problem.
Good Luck