Advice for a childless woman considering becoming a step-mom??
I see all kinds of advice for blending families - you have kids, he has kids, etc. Well, I have NO kids (by choice and design - not b/c I didn't want them, but b/c I have specific standards for what type of situation children should be brought into this world, and a stable marriage is #1 and my first -and only- marriage was not that. So I have waited. And waited.) But now I am in love with a man with a 10-year-old girl, and I see very little advice for a woman coming into a situation with no children of her own. Any input would be helpful!
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I am in a very similar
I am in a very similar position. I wanted children but only within a stable relationship with two adults in a partnership. My first marriage was not that.
I now live the life of a married couple with my BF and his two sons, my two SS's.
It is a very different world from being a single woman, a married woman without children, and a part of a couple who have had children together. BF and I were just talking about this yesterday and that I while I greatly value the advice and the balance that comes from having bio-moms on here, I'd also like to be able to identify women in a similar situation. "Childless Stepmom's" is what one site calls us - but I have found that I do prefer ST at this point, because of the balance and because of the people here.
Long way of getting there (you'll find I tend to do that a lot) but there are STers in similar situations ... I'm one. And I'm still trying to figure it out! My suggestion on that is try to take in all of the advice whether from bio-mom or step-mom's only. If there is a particular issue that relates to being a childless stepmom, then put that in your text when looking for answers, but don't cut off any suggestions from people who may be able to see both sides of the fence.
My other suggestion to any woman who is thinking about becoming a part of an "instant family" is to get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. I found it because of a suggestion on here and it really helped me with perspective and the validity of the feelings that I have as a SM.
Above all else. Welcome. It's taken me awhile to feel comfortable around here, but as I've known since I joined, it's an awesome place. Maybe now is the time for me to post on a forum asking about other childless SM's. Thanks.
**Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living.**
I'm also a childless
I'm also a childless stepmom. My advice: READ:
The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace by Sally Bjornsen (Paperback - Apr. 5, 2005)
Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin (this one is ESSENTIAL!)
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Welcome Sanity! I, too, am
Welcome Sanity! I, too, am a childless stepmom, as are plenty of other members. Please keep an open mind about the "biomom" "stepmom" members here -- I have really learned a lot from all of them here. It's good to hear other perspectives and then apply what you think will work best in your situation.
The book Stepmonster REALLY helped me -- I should've read it before I got married!
Your situation really depends on your BF -- he plays a key role in how you will be treated in your role as Stepmom.
Don't let anyone fool you -- it's HARD. My DH is very supportive of me, and has set a good framework for me in the family, and I still can't count how many times I've cried because of the kids -- and they're older!!
so, Good luck & welcome!
I am a childless SM and it
I am a childless SM and it has been one of THE hardest things that I have EVER done. If I knew then what I know now....I would NEVER have gotten married. I hate saying that because I love DH with all of my heart.....but the headaches and heartaches that his kids have caused me are not worth it. I have never really wanted children myself. I like to be able to do what I want when I want. That is no more....well at least EOW. I have to change my plans and rearranged my life for skids....something that I really can't stand to do! I hate that I feel this way....but it's the truth. I shouldn't have married a man that had children. I hope that we are strong enough to make it through all of this......
****I can do bad all by myself****
YES YES YES! "There are two
YES YES YES!
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I am on the other side of
I am on the other side of this one. I also married a man with kids but had none of my own but since we've had one together, I have MORE stress! What am I doing wrong Ms Freeze?
Yes, I definitely need to
Yes, I definitely need to change my focus. I just tend to let Bm and little things bother me. You have one on the way? When are you due??
I have 2 skids and none of
I have 2 skids and none of my own for mainly the same reason. I feel like I want to give my kids everything and at this point in my life it would be unfair to the children (my future children) to bring them into the world. I love my skids they are great, but it was really hard to adapt. I had always dated guys without kids so to have an "instant family" was a shock and it was great at the same time. I have my difficulties because the kids are already set in there ways and I am set in mine, but we find common ground to stand on. My BF finds ways that we can all do things that bring us closer together and that makes it easier for us to get along. I hope that when I have kids of my own that the skids will have a better time with me becuase they will feel like I am more a part of the family than I am now.