angelheart6833's picture

ADULT STEP-SON RUINING MARRIAGE - PLEASE HELP

I married my husband 10 months ago. We have lived in our house for 4 years. We moved in with my two daughters and one son, and his son. At that time my kids were 8, 10, & 16. His son was 21.

Now, my son has graduated HS and moved out. Been on his own since he was 18. My girls are now 12 & 14. My step son is 25. My step son is 25, makes 69,000 a year and pays a hefty $100.00 per month to live in our house. He has the MASTER BEDROOM, meanwhile my husband and I have a room so damn small you can't even move in it...there is not even a window in it, because its not really a room. We have a bed and dresser and just enough room to walk in and out. The bed is up against the wall to allow room to walk in and out. His sons room houses a king size waterbed, a refrigerator, a blowflex, a big screen tv, computer desk and chair. He does not clean his room because he is a freakin slob. His Dad does not make him clean it either. Both my husband and step son are in the same line of work and when its muddy and wet outside they come home filthy. My husband will come in the basement to avoid getting mud on the floors that I would have to clean up. My step son doesn't give a damn and walks right in and tracks mud throughout the house and I have to clean it up. My step son has no regular responsibilites in this house..he cooks and leaves dishes in the sink (WE HAVE A DISHWASHER) He brings laundry down and dumps it on the floor in the basement about once a month...so there is about 8 loads! He does not make his own oil change appointments, or make any phone calls for himself for that matter, when he has a bill to pay (and I mean car insurance or a Dr copay or something) because he has no bills to speak of, he will sign the check and give it to me to fill out and mail. I used to do his laundry, make those calls for him, and fill out his bills. I stopped doing this and asked his Dad to not do it either...he needs to learn how to do these things. Well, his Dad still wipes his ass, writes out his bills, does his laundry, whatever he wants he gets! On the nights I don't feel like cooking and we decide to eat out - his son who has more money than anyone in the house thinks we owe it to him to buy his food as well. Why? He is selfish and self-centered, he is lazy and I can't stand him. Because he gets to sponge off of us he has been able to buy a time share for cash, a new truck he paid off in 2 years! and all of the toys in his room.

Basically, I am at the point where I resent my husband for allowing this to continue. My husband thinks I am unreasonable and I should just get along becasue that is just the way his son is. I think its BS. I should not have to live with a grown man (his kid or not) that I can't stand. I have to leave the room when he is in it, because I can't stand him so much.

Any advice anyone can give?


Angel's picture

First of all, I am so sorry

First of all, I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is not right. Your ss is not at fault. It is your husband who does not demand respect for himself or you. If I were in your position, I would give one month's notice; either he goes OR I do. Start making arrangements and do it. It may be difficult at first (financially/emotionally), but in the end you will win. You cannot live like this. You need to take charge of your life. Don't wait for someone to rescue you----YOU NEED TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF.

Again, I am so sorry this has happened to you.

don's picture

Step-son ruining marriage

The first thing I would do when i get home is change rooms, and then raise the rent.Let your husband and ss share the small room.
good luck.

frustratedinmaine's picture

I Understand

I know what its like to live with kids you hate. My fiances oldest just went to college but we lived like that too. Now the 15 yr old is taking over that spot and he has a perfectly good bedroom but sleeps in the living room on our couch every night. He has turned our living room into a bedroom. So I understand completely. I think Angel is right but its hard to do. I almost feel like that myself. But we cannot kick out a 15 yr old. and his mother is a drunk so thats out. But have you talked to your husband? I would start by telling him that you taking the master br in your own home. Dont even tell your husband first tell the son first and tell him that first thing saturday morning get his things out so u start moving in and he will have to squeeze his junk in the little room or store it until he gets his own place. He will want to move then. If your husband gets pissed then tell him to room in the small room with the kid but you are going to be in the master bedroom at any rate. Next time you order out, you call and after you order tell them you have a second order and get that total separate and then give him his total under his name and when they deliver they will give him his and his total. That will burn using ass. These things will make him want to move. Or just say you have 30 days to find a place. End of story. Dont even discuss it with the dad. Its your home too.

Little Jo's picture

Na, na ,NO

Are you kidding me. It's high time to get YOUR house in order. YOUR house.
I sorry things go out of control for you, but it's time to get it back. If this kid is making that kind off money, he can get his own place. PERIOD.

And for God's sake, take back your bedroom.
Best wishes. Jo

"May the forces of evil get confused on the way to your house." George Carlin

Mimi's picture

Overdue......get your life back.....

Agree with all comments above. Your husband is contributing to the problem. He will most likely need counseling if he cannot see this. I can't believe you/husband gave him the master bedroom...... Your SS is "just the way he is" because his father is/has created this.... Hearing your story makes ME angry and I don't even know you. Time to lay down the law. Make a plan, communicate it very clearly, stick to it - you are living a nightmare. Do not sacrifice your happiness, you only have one life to live.

knkodi2's picture

I can so relate!

I agree - your husband should be supporting YOU. I went through something VERY similar...only you could add to the sloppy behaviors things like his daughter trying to jump me when she got angry at me (he just stood there while I tried to pry her off me)and a non-stop barrage of subtle and not-so-subtle insults by his kids (and he would not correct them) whenever they were around. We went to counseling for about 6 months and I once overheard him tell the counselor that I was difficult to live with because I was always 'depressed' - gee, go figure. I have a husband who has promised to love me and support me for the rest of my life and now I discover that the vow had a clause - to love and honor, as long as the kids approve. He eventually divorced me because he couldn't - and I quote - "handle the stress with the kids". I called him Disneyland Dad for a good reason. They got anything they wanted - including our divorce.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

KYMBERLY's picture

I can also relate!! My

I can also relate!!

My husband and I have been married alittle over 3 years, but we had dated for 8 years prior. We both have sons from previous marriage. His were 14 and 12 when we met and mine were 11 and 13. We lived in two different homes while the kids grew and finished high school. Once the last one graduated HS we began looking at moving in together, which we did in 2007 and then married in 2008. During this time 3 of the boys lived with us part-time while in college, my oldest only lived with us for a year due to the strain he put on our marriage. I had to ask him to move out as he was not following the little rules we had and was putting a strain on our marriage. So he did and is doing great... my husbands oldest son finished college and due to where his job is he moved in with his mother (he is now 26 and still living with his mother.) My youngest who is 23 is in his last year of college so he is only home in the summer and then you wouldnt even know he lives there. Now for the trouble..... my husbands youngest son is 24 has a better fulltime job than I do. Has a company car, benefits etc. He asked to move back in when he got this job to get on his feet and figure out where he was going to live, we allowed it as a temporary place to live. Well, somewhere along the line I was not aware that my husband advised him that he could not live with us forever.... instead of telling him it was temporary and giving a target date. Now he has been with us 9 months with no plans of finding another place to live. He instead goes out and spends his money on a jacked up truck, $1000 hunting guns and hunting trips. He lives in our nice home in the finished basement him and his girlfriend come and go as they please have the pool table, bar, poker room large screen tv etc to use as they please....This boy ain't ever gonna move out, would you?? I told my husband that I was tired of never being able to use my basement and never having any privacy. Of course because we are talking about his baby he becomes defensive. We argued and fought and finally my husband agreed to tell him that he was not allowed to have his girlfried over anymore. Well, basically what he did is said that I did not want her there anymore instead of standing behind me like I did when my son was living at home and not working out...I am to the point where I try to find things to do when I get off work so I don't have to go home and deal with the angel boy.... My stepson is ruining my marriage. My husband and I were best friends, did everything together, now stepson is always there either in person or texting daddy 24/7.....God I want to scream!!! I really don't think my husband has still told him to move out, I think he just keeps telling me he has to make me shut up... I believe my husband thinks he will move out without him saying anything and rockin the boat...You can cut the tension with a knife around the house, especially since I have started taking the basement back... I have started using the basement as if he does not exist and boy does it piss the stepson off!!!

Canadgoose's picture

I can soooo relate to this. I

I can soooo relate to this. I have been married for 7 years with my husband. His 23 year old son has been moving in and out of our home since he is 19 years old. The first two times, we worked out a plan with him, with the objective of him moving out on his own again. That worked, he had a set date to move out and it worked OK, and to be frank, we were both relieved when the moving out date came. This time, he moved back in at 22 years old, with no plan, but told us he wanted to go back to school. Thinking that he was going back to school full time, we agreed. It turns out he did have a plan which he did not share with us: he works full time, making $45K a year, paying $200 per month to live here and takes 3 courses at University in the evenings. After living with us for 3 months, he bought himself a BMW...we don't even own one...I felt so used, but my husband was just thrilled for his son for owning a BMW at 23 years old!?!?! His son has been making me feel like I don't belong here, like this is his father's house (and his), and that he can do what he pleases. The sad thing is, my husband does not intervene to set him straight and support me. He thinks he is supporting me, however his son continues with his behaviour, so my husband's interventions (if he is having any) have no effect. Now, his son and I despise each other. He has been with us for one year, and I am currently looking into moving out with my two boys. My husband tells me that his is also fed up and is waiting for the School term to end (this month) before giving his son one month to move out, but I have heard this one before...When I tell my husband that I need to know that there will be an end to this, he talks to his son and his son convinces him to extend it to another school term. In any case, I will not suffer from depression or develop cancer because of this situation. I am a healthy 48 year old woman, have two beautiful boys of my own, and I am planning to move on with my life. I've had enough of this abuse.-

teri70's picture

i hate my step son too

i have a 19 year old step son, who ended up in juvenile detention at the age of 17, i pushed him to graduate, he had to live with his grandparents, because the court would not allow him to be in the house , because i have a daughter, he broke all his probation rules, so the probation people, let him off probation, so he came to live back here, well he then stole my husbands suv, we confiscated it the next day, on our own ,cops were no help because husband didn't want to press charges , i would have. we sent him back to grandparents to live, he made threats toward grandparents, now they have a no tresspassing order on him, so my husband again took him back, he told me last time,if he screws up again, he's out! well he screwed up, my husband put $300, in his savings, $150 came out of my money, so he can help , pay fines the boy owes for a small posession of marijuana charge, well on a friday, boy never came home, never called, i checked his bank account, because i am guardian of it, he maxed it out, he came home next day on saturday, my husband told him, he does not live here any more, now mother in law blames me. she told husband, your wife got what she wanted, i never told her, i wanted him out, she is the one who always spoiled his fat ass, sorry! she pays no attention to my daughter. who is 14 , that's ok she doesn't like her either, so step son went to live with some friend or something, it's been a week , and it's been great with out him here.

Sarah101's picture

Please see a counselor!

Oh, my teeth were grinding while I read your post! It seems clear that your SS is running the house, and the rest of you are his servants that do his bidding. He has a fantastic deal. His father seems to enjoy being a servant in his own home, but you don't need to put up with this!

Please seek a good couselor. A few weeks ago a bunch of wise people here advised me to get a counselor so my DH could hear from a third party how he is enabling his adult brats and losing his marriage. I learned that husbands sometime value third-party advice much more than the words of their spouse.

If your husband refuses to listen and continues to think it's OK to bend over and take it from his own adult brat, then you will be much better off in the long run if you bail out. You deserve so much better!

Techknowledgy's picture

Time for a change

Man,
What a pain in the butt. You never really said much about the husband, but somewhere along the line his spine turned to jello. Throw the SS bum out. Enough is enough. It will just get worse.

Think for Yourself

Think for Yourself

cayla's picture

Adult step son comes to live at our home

Well, here is my story. My 30 year old step son has come to live with us after a year long in drug treatment. I was not for it from the start. But my husband wanted to be there for his son. We have only been married 4 years. We had a good relationship before the son came . Now my husband picks at me he is taking all his stress out on me. The son is a dolt lazy ( he has a job ) but never helps out until asked. I love my husband and we had a good thing till this overgrown lazy dopehead came around. I give my husband kudos for wanting to help, but it is really putting a strain on our marriage.
It is not in my nature to be a bitch, but I have been nice to the boy and no appreciation what so ever! I don't know how much longer I can put up with him . My husband will not even talk with me about him leaving. He feels guilt for not being there in when he was young.
I feel so helpless, I feel this is destroying our marriage!

Techknowledgy's picture

You Marriage Comes First

I feel for you. Sit doen with the husband and build a timeline for when the sloth moves out on his own. Build it with him and make sure you include actions that MUST be taken by the sloth. Even six months out works because it gives you a magic date on the calendar so you can mark off the days. After you have built it, share it with your step-son. It is non-negotiable. That is of course what he will want to do. When he agrees, make everyone stick to it. It is not our responsibility as parents to raise our children until we are dead. If you can afford it you might even consider this, make him pay rent, and open an account that only you have access to. Save it all. At the end of the six months give it back to him with a little box in which you enclose cut apron strings. He will have no excuses then. Guilt is a hard thing to deal with. You deserve better. A crappy childhood is no excuse for making yourself a crappy adult.

Think for Yourself

Think for Yourself

LilyBelle's picture

This is a great idea! Win,

This is a great idea! Win, win, gentle push out of the nest.... good parenting!

~Lily

Drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic? I drink Fanta, so that must mean I'm Fantastic!!

"I am a Bitch-- Beautiful, intelligent, tough, charismatic, and hell no you're not messing with me."

upthecreek's picture

Awesome insight "not our

Smiling Awesome insight "not our responibility ... to raise our children until we are dead"..."A crappy childhood is no excuse for making yourself a crappy adult".

no name please

Fred's picture

Step Daughter & Two Step Grand Sons

My step daughter called crying about 15 days ago that she has had enough of her husband, and wanted to leave him and move in with us.

I agreed thinking it would be for a few days or weeks, but now looks to be for an undetermined amount of time. Already arguments have taken place, between the three of us, and I am now the bad guy.

My wife and I have been married for four wonderful years, we are very compatible and never argue until now. We have a newly furnished home and the kids and my step daughter are SLOBS. And have no respect for our home or our belongings. We tried to set my step daughter down last night to set some goals for her with her finances and she was more interested in talking and texting on her cell phone and boo hoo woe is me.

I don't want to end up divorced over this, my wife and I both have minor health issues. We both have just rebuilt our lives after previous marriages, but it's as if I have lost my home already to the SLOB Step Daughter and Step Grand children, and our personal belonging are "Just things" HELP!!!!!

msp's picture

Adult Step-Daughter ruining my marriage

I have a 21 year old step-daughter who has never accepted me. She complains about things to my husband when I am not around. She sent my husband a text message while we were on vacation stating he was loosing a daughter. My husband and I have been together since 2002 and were married in 2006. My step-daughter came to live with us four months after we were married. The fighting between my husband and I started within 6 months of her living with us. She will not help around the house because she says she's never home due to work. She won't even clean up behind her dog. She's constantly comparing me to her mother and letting me know that her mom does or does not do things like me. All holiday's are spent with her mother and she gets mad if we go somewhere or do something while she is gone or at work. She eats, sleeps, bathes, and does laundry here, but should not have to help with anything according to her. She is constantly complaining about something to her dad, which causes problems between my husband and I. I've tried talking to him about my issues and all I get is that I have a problem because it's his daughter that if it were one of my kids it would be okay. This is not the case, because my kids (one has moved out) and one still at home have always been made to help, respect my husband, and I never thought twice about jumping their cases for not doing what they were supposed to do. I've recently told my husband that if things don't change, it's over. I'm not asking him to choose between his daughter and me, just to make her do her part or make her get her own place. I'm so tired of fighting that I feel it would be better if we separated. I cannot make him see that the problems started within six months of her moving in, though all of his family can see what's going on and have also tried to talk to him.

Smilone's picture

re; Adult Step-Son Ruing Marriage

My friend of 1 & 1/2 years recently allowed his daughter to put pictures of him and his deceased wife all around an entire room of his house. The daughter (47 years old, lives with father with her husband, neither have jobs) has done everything she could in the past to break us up. I told him I feel it is disrespectful to my feeling and our relationship, since he was supposed to be moving on, and he should not have allowed her to do this. She has told me that she wanted me to stay away from HER HOUSE. I told him that he did not have control of his home. I broke off with him because hr had no respect for my feelings.

trailrider1943's picture

Your step son

I think the first thing I would do is try and talk to my husband once more about this problem with his son. If it doesn't do any good the first thing I would do is start draining the water bed and change rooms with the step son. If the hubby gets mad ask him if he's married to you or to his son,would he rather have you there as his wife or push his son out and make a man out of him for having done it. I wouldn't wash his clothes,I'd leave them lay and when he doesn't have anything clean to wear let him wash them,if he tears the washer and dryer up let your husband see how it feels not to have anything clean. I'd also raise his rent if he didn't move out. And as for going out to eat I yell if you want to go out to eat with us give me your money!!!! If he doesn't start now he'll never make a good husband or grow up. Can't you send him to his mothers!!!

Less than Mox's picture

30 year old Ex-Con Step-son Ruining My Marriage

Wow. Just wow. Until I googled "my 30 year old step son won't move out" I never imagined that I wasn't the only one with problems like this. Reading all of your vents makes me want to huddle in and have a large group hug. Maybe we should band together as one big angry mob.

I have a 30 year old step-son who has been in and out of jails and prisons for most of his life (teen years included). This guy actually stole the identity of his own brother and totally ruined him. He's now out after his second stint in prison...was in almost 4 years this last time for major fraud which all stemmed from an addiction to meth. The first time he paroled out of prison (previous to this time) he came to live with us and I wasn't so against it because at that point I wasn't aware of what a real parasite he was...well that just about ruined my marriage. He is one of the most selfish individuals I have ever met. He lives to party and will spend every single dime of his own money to do it. When he's run out of money, he'll come to daddy with his hand out and daddy will give him what he needs..but I digress...this is his second parole out of prison and the husband, against my wishes, has allowed this vile creature to come and live with us again. "Everybody deserves a second chance", pffft! Just as I predicted, there has been no effort made whatsoever to find a job. He has partied like a rock star. My husband bought him a car for a little work around our yard. He's been running with another ex-con doing odd jobs here and there, little $100 to do this or that and he splits it with his friend..then they go out spending the money on women and $100 a night hotel rooms at the Embassy Suites. The only rule he hasn't broken so far is bringing women to my house. That was a real issue the first time he parolled out. I could go off in a million different directions on the reasons he should not be here. My main one, I have a very impressionable 15 year old son. My husband agrees that the effort has been non-existent and that the son is not doing right, but for the most part he is spineless. He says that the son has nobody else and if we don't help, he'll only end up back in prison.

Needless to say, I am angry. My husband and I have been together 15 years! We were happy! I am so angry that I'm almost to the point of telling my husband that it's me or the step-son. I've been told to never make a man choose anything over his own blood, but I'm afraid that if I don't, I'm going to lose my sanity. I just can't go on living in this rage. I am really starting to lose my love and respect for the man that I've been married to for the last 15 years. I feel sorry for him, I know that he cares, but this has all taken a horrible toll on me and turned me hateful.

northernsiren's picture

how did this even happen?

How in the first place was he given that room? Why did anyone involved agree to it? I don't even understand how this was an option to begin with....

I can see if you have space allowing an adult child to live at home to save money to buy a home, or pay off student loans, whatever. As long as it's a workable situation for all. This is setting a TERRIBLE example for your girls, soon you'll be retired and have all of them thinking you're still going to pay all the bills!

When I was 18, I moved out of my parents house. They MADE me box everything I owned, and the completely redid my room, it was NOT MINE anymore. Aside from that, I'd be motified to move back home with my folks. Sure if something horrible happened, but it would be a temporary situation, and an embarrassing one at that. Have these "kids" no shame?

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

race car in the red's picture

I'll add my sob story

My wife and I have been married for ten years and have two children(10&6) she has two other sons from a previous marriage (27&26yrs). The youngest one has had some minor run ins with the law, but for the most part is just a slacker. He had a girlfriend and has a 2yr old son with her. He never worked while the girlfriend worked at starbucks, she worked a lot of overtime shifts to pay the bills. When she would get home he would take off to go play video games or basketball...blah blah blah, and so on; I think you get the picture. Well I was on a fishing trip in Mexico last year, and when I came home I found the girlfriend, not surprisingly, had dumped him and my wife had moved him into my house. Well we never discussed it and when I try to bring it up the wife becomes very defensive and protects her little angel ferociously. Her son has gone through several part time jobs and finally has job he has been at for 2-3 months. He still does not pay rent, help out with consitant chores, and what upsets me the most is he sleeps until 10-11 in the morning, and my wife makes my kids stay quiet until he wakes up. My wife and I obviously clash, especially since I'm not quiet in the mornings, and continually tell her my displeasure with the state of our home. My wife plays down the financial strain her son is putting on us, especially since I am the only one working. I am seriously considering a divorce, but I love my two children with all my heart, and would have an extemely difficult time being away from them. I'm just tired of the stress, I'm disappointed with myself, I don't even know where to start when trying to figure out what to do.

now4teens's picture

Ummm....NO

This "Liitle angel" is not a kid. He's a grown man, acting like a kid, and only doing so because your wife is allowing him to.

He's 26-yrs-old for cripes sake!

First of all, your wife had no right to move him in behind your back while you were away on your trip. This was extremely sneaky on her part and dishonest. This was something that should have been discussed between the two of you beforehand in depth, especially since you are the only one paying the bills! And IF you agreed to him moving in, with that move there should have been EXPECTATIONS, such as:

*SS will get a job (at least 30 hrs/wk)
*SS will pay rent ($x/ month)
*SS will contribute to keeping house clean (by
doing specified chores)
*SS will be awake by 8am to help younger kids
to get ready for school

You can STILL move forward with these type of expectations for SS. Tell wife and SS that if he CHOOSES to continue living there, then he will abide by these terms. And draw it up as a contract. Make him sign it. Make wife sign it. Then everyone is clear of what to expect. If SS does not hold up to his end of the bargain, then he's out. And he has no one to blame but HIMSELF. And wife can't blame you either.

Your wife is doing exactly what a lot of the dads on here do- GUILT PARENTING. And as you can see, it's creating another dependent, worthless, whiny, man-child who's full of excuses and blames everyone else in the world for why his life is horrible.

Your wife is incapable if parenting him right now. YOU have to stand up and take the reins. And it shouldn't be at the expense of you divorcing her or leaving your home or seeing your other children less.

Good luck

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

sarahbernheart's picture

i got tired of being nice

my FH BS who is 18 is pretty lazy hasnt a job and does not do much around the house, the other day he showed up and did his laundry but guess what my laudry was still in the dryer so he put it on the floor in order to put his in there and of course left it on the floor.
I was livid I told FH IF BS did that one more time he will no longer be allowed to do laundry and I will take his house key away from him, I am DONE I am tired of being walked on by these ungrateful children, if FH wants to put up with it then fine he can just do it without me.

so to get back to your post I agree with 5teens! sorry to get off on a tangent.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Rags's picture

The next time SS is out change the locks.

and only give your wife/husband a key if he/she agrees to reasonable T's&C's for her son staying in the home. Rent, clean up after himself, pay for his share of the food, do general chores that benefit the entire household etc .......

Good luck and best regards,

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. Not a buddy. Parenting is not a popularity contest. -Rags

If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR

If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head

Document Legalization's picture

Start Small

It can be hard to just take a stand and change all that so quickly when it's been going on so long. Start small... everything you do for him... don't

if he leaves his laundry undone for too long, throw it in trash bags and leave it in the basement, outside, anywhere else.
All the bills you mail, put them in a box, let him know they're there and see what happened when he doesn't mail them.

frustratedinmaine's picture

I Understand

My fiances son is rude, beligerant, dirty, obnoxious, doesnt even pick up his dirty clothes he changes in the living room. Not only that but the ex calls my fiance every day like the little puke is 5 not 15. I wish he was kick out age. No such luck. He gets what he wants all the time. He screams and hollers filthy words at his dad all the time the second he doesnt get his own way. I hate this moron and his moron mother. I love it when he visits his dead beat mother. Which isnt often. She just calls us to tell us what he needs that costs money and doesnt pay her child support ever not a dime. I am so at wits end too. I know how you feel. I will be so glad when this little bastard graduates that I will throw a party. The kid will probably not ever move though because he is useless in all ways. He sleeps on the couch every friggin night. When you get up early to go to work he hollers to be quiet and he has a perfectly nice room and wont use it. I want to buy a new couch but wont until he grads. I refuse to have his useless ass on sleeping on a new couch every night and ruin that as well. I really hate this kid so I know how you feel. my fiance is lacks about this idiot as well. This idiot also takes the juice bottle in the living room and i find it half full under the couch i get so pissed. Now when he leaves things around and doesnt pick up i throw them away. I think I will throw the cell phone next time the idiot complains that I put his cord where he cant find it off the cupboard and in the first drawer where I always put it but of course hes to lazy to open the drawer. I hate this ass so bad. I realy hate him but I love my fiance. He is such a good man.

klc's picture

22 yr old stepson

I'm not sure if I even have anything legite to complain about after reading some of the things I have read. I hope you'll bare with me, I just need someone to talk to because my husband and I are in serious trouble. I have been depressed, very unhappy, for quite a while and it's effecting our relationship. My husband thinks I have nothing to be unhappy about, and that my reation with his son is not normal.

I married my husband 17 yrs ago knowing we would "share" his then 5 & 6 yr old sons. We had a letter waiting when we got home, saying that she wanted the boys to live with us because we would provide a more stable environment "true".

I tried to care for them as best I could like they were my own. I took them to work with me on parent/child work days. I took them to the zoo, beach, hiking, etc.; by myself. I loved it! I did finally have a son of my own. I did a lot with all three boys even with a baby.

I knew my husband was in a little denial when it came to his two kids doing anything "wrong". Things were always a "mistake", no consquences for a long time until I finally gave him a letter when they were 10 & 12, telling him if he didn't do something, I wasn't sure if we could survive.

I've never had a close relationship with either one, but for the most part, at least a working one. The older one was easier, but sneaker. The younger very angry, because I think he needed his mother when he was younger. He never allowed me to get close at all. He moved out when he was 15, came back. Moved out again at 16 with a car his dad just purchased at an auction for $2300. I would never had allowed him to take the car. I finally told his dad that the back and forth thing has to stop.

Even with a difficult relationship, we've tried to include him in family things. Last year a short family vacation, that went sour. He totally disrupted our vacation. I invited him over to help decorate our tree, and he spent the first 10 mins. complaining that a certain "store bought" ornament was missing and wanted to know what happened to it. It wasn't enough to just come and spend time with his family. He shows up Christmas morning to open his presents, and not one gift for his little brother, or myself. He gave his dad a box of golfballs. He never said, sorry I'm broke, nothing.

He is now 22 has lived at his moms several times, and is currently. Has only lived on his own "with room mates" for a very short time, and moved back to his moms. He either chose not to work, or the jobs he did have lasted no more than a few weeks or maybe months at a time. His dad decided to let him know where are house key was so he could come in any time he wanted. This has been for the past year or so. I had no say of course.

He has been in and out to stop by "occasionally" to say hi or take a nap. But recently, he was sleeping here for at least 3 weeks. Because of his schedule, working or gambling, his sleeps until 2-3 in the afternoon in our family room. I've had the problem with his dad letting him take "my" laundry out a sit it on the counter, he leaves his laundrey unfinished and might not show up again for a week. Of course this is all discussed between dad and son, never including me or asking me.

His dad even asked me not to do my laundry on a Sunday, and it was almost 11am, because his son was sleeping. I blew a gasket! I told him that I was sick of having to tip toe around my own house. We can't even watch our own TV in the family room, even on the weekends when all of us are here because he is in there sleeping. He offers to do nothing around here ever. I asked his dad if he was living here again, and he assured that he wasn't.

He has been playing poker online for at least the last 2-3 years. Has owed us $$ that his dad let him take 9 months to pay back. It wasn't a lot, but he always had the $$ to play poker, or order things on Ebay. He has been a poker dealer now for about 1-2 years, and is pursuing becoming a professional gambler. This where my BIG problem is...his dad doesn't see anything wrong with the gambling thing.

I feel that letting him sleep here, live, whatever you want to call it, with NO obligations or responsibilities what so ever; just allows him to have the attitude he has about the gambling. I heard him tell his dad recently that he didn't need anyone talking to him about his money because he could afford to lose as much $$ as he wanted to. That his older brother had him backed on the $$, and that he had until October (it's April right now), before he would need to think about having to work 40 hrs. I have a problem with that while he is in my house invading my space.

One day while he was sleeping I found a wad of several hundred dollars sitting on the table. His brother who just turned 14 got not one thing from him. We even invited SS over to share cake for his bb too.

My husband just told me a week ago that he wanted our home to be the "center of the universe" for his son. That his moms garage (that has been turned into a bedroom) was not the best place for him. I could see if you are talking about a 10 yr old! But he has made the choices he has, and I'm not willing to just sit back and allow him to waltz in and out of here like he owns the place.

Any advise!

Rags's picture

How do say this with sensitivity? ....... CHANGE THE LOCKS!

KLC,

The slug lives in YOUR home. You get to decide who stays there. Not your husband ....... YOU. Since it is your marital home if either you or your spouse say NO then the answer is NO.

There is no such thing as a veto override in a marriage. There can be compromise but no override.

In the situation you describe I would immediately call a locksmith and have all of the locks changed. When your husband comes home let him knock, go outside and give him absolute clarity on his adult child occupying your home.

When the kid gets home, send him away without a key until he comes home with a job. Even then, before you give him a key, give him a tour of the home including his chore list and the rules. eg..... 1. Complete your laundry when the equipment is available. Any unfinished laundry will be put in trash bags and placed on the curb. 2. Clean your room. 3. Do your dishes. 4. Purchase your own food or pay 1/3 of the food bill. If you choose not to provide your own food then you will pay 1/3 of the household food bill whether you are present for all meals or not. 5. Rent will be set at 1/3 of the mortgage and monthly utilities and is due no later than the last day of the current month for the following month. 6. Failure to comply with any of the above rules will result in immediate change of the locks. In order to reenter the home all past expenses must be met including the costs to re-key the entire home.

The point is that no adult child should sponge off of their parents. Part of parenting is booting the little turds out of eh nest to fly or crash on their own when they become adults.

I have moved back in with my parents twice in my life. Once when I was 21 and again when I was 36.

The first time was during a period when I was struggling with figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and pick a college major. I lived at home rent free and food cost free but I had to be a student and work to pay my own school, car, clothing and entertainment costs. If I was not a student or working I was either out on my butt or had to pay rent, utilities and groceries.

The second time was when we sold our home and construction on our new home ended up falling 6mos behind schedule. My wife, son and I moved in to my parents upstairs. We did chores, paid for groceries and did much of the grocery shopping and repeatedly attempted to pay rent. Mom and Dad would not take money for rent but we consistently offered.

Your Skid needs a foot up his butt IMHO. If Dad won't do it, you will have to.

Not allowing anyone to push you around in your own home is a good opportunity to apply that foot. Clarity for your husband is as critical as applying a foot to your Skids butt IMHO.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. Not a buddy. Parenting is not a popularity contest. -Rags

If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR

If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head

pinesol1's picture

I could use some advice

I could use some advice myself!

My husband and I were married 5 years ago, and lived together for about a year and half prior. At the time I first met him, he won custody of his son, who moved in with him at that time. He was a freshman in high school. I never minded him being around. He was a decent kid - didn't really do anything much around the house to help, but he was alright. When he graduated from high school something happened. He still lives with us - will be 21 this year. He works but dropped out of the community college. He says he is so busy with his job and DJ work on the side he doesn't have time to help out. However, he seems to have plenty of time to lay around on the couch watching tv. He is up all night and is very loud no matter how many times he is told he has to be quiet or not be up. I leave my house at 5am and he is still up in the basement. He has gotten into this DJ thing as a "side business". He spends tons of money on it and doesn't make a whole lot. He doesn't keep up his car. My husband used to clean his bedroom but doesn't anymore. I have stopped doing his laundry, mopping his bedroom floor... He is the only thing my husband and I fight about. My husband says that I am just resentful of his kid because I moved out of my family's home when I was 18 and his son just isn't grown up enough to do it. The thing is, he is never going to grow up. My husband reminds him over and over about everything - when to pay bills, when his dentist appointments are, etc. The major issue lately is that he smokes pot. He doesn't even try to hide it anymore. I really dont care what the kid wants to do with himself and his life, but I am adamant that it doesn't happen in my house. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and in the bathroom I could smell the pot coming up the vents from the basement. I told my husband, but by the time he got up about 15 minutes later or so, he couldn't smell it. He went into the basement where his son was and said he couldn't smell it there either. I said why is it that you have to verify. I'm you wife and I told you I smell it. That should be good enough! He said he "talked" to his son about it anyway and gave him a warning. He is always handling everything by "talking" to his son. He talks and gives warnings over and over and over again. When I tell him that this isn't working because there are no consequences he just says he has a different approach to parenting. His approach as he calls it apparently has no regard for me in it even though I'm paying half the mortgage (we keep our money separate). He doesn't believe that there is any "punishment" he can give since his son is an adult now so he says he just makes him pay for more things of his own. So, I think he now as to pay for shampoo and soap and hair products. We still buy his toothpaste, mouthwash, food, laundry detergent, pay electricity, heat, water, etc. He doesn't pay anything to live with us. He does NOTHING to help and be productive. He just slobs up the place so we have more to do. The one thing my husband told him he has to do is shovel our driveway when it snows. He does such a half-assed job when he does it that I have asked my husband to just tell him not to do it anymore period because I am tired of cleaning up after him. I'd just rather do it from scratch myself. My husband blames all of his so-called "forgetfullness" on adhd. I believe when he was younger he truly did have adhd, but he does not anymore. He just doesn't pay attention when you talk. Its in one ear and out the other. He even has the nerve to tell my husband that he is going to blow up and can't talk about things. That is his answer every time my husband tries to tell him that he needs to get a job that provides health insurance (his ends on our policy this month). He eats us out of house and home (pot smoking). He smells. I can't really tell him anything because its usually even less effective than when my husband says something. My husband has gone so far as to tell his son that he is ruining our marriage. It doesn't seem to matter. I really don't think his son is trying to force me to leave, I think he really does care for me and I truly do care for him, but I cant stand him in my house anymore. If I see that he is home when I get home from work, I am immediately in a bad mood. He has ruined almost everything I owned before I lived with my husband and him. He has taken over our entire basement and has a bedroom. I have my computer and desk squeezed into a corner in the kitchen.

He was supposed to be out of our house within 6 months to a year after finishing college. Well, he dropped out. Its been over 6 months now, and now like usual, my husband keeps extending the date. We are now up to age 22. I always tell my husband that he is never going to move out. Why would he? He has it made. He pays nothing, food is provided, comes and goes as he pleases, uses all our electricity with his DJ lights and other bs, is allowed to drink (he's not yet 21) in our house and apparently now smoke. If there is one thing I cannot tolerate its smoking of any kind in my home - cigarettes or otherwise.

This "kid" lies all the time. I don't believe a word he says anymore. My husband seems to think because he can look him in the eye with a straight face, he is always being honest. I have caught him in so many lies - even stupid tiny little things, I just don't believe a word. But, you can't convince my husband. Just like this morning. Kid says he wasn't smoking and my husband didn't smell it (it was probably close to an hour later by the time he actually went to the basement and it was all covered by permanent markers and probably cheap cologne), so he couldn't possibly have been.

I love my husband and I really don't want to leave him, but I don't know what to do. Its not fair for me to live like this. I pay half the bills, the kid sponges off us. I would try to start deducting expenses for him off of my bills buy my husband will pull some crap about how he pays for things for me and its "our" moeny and "our" expenses (except it isn't really...he is the one who wants them separate...)

Any advice would be great!