Step Talk

First of all, I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is not right. Your ss is not at fault. It is your husband who does not demand respect for himself or you. If I were in your position, I would give one month's notice; either he goes OR I do. Start making arrangements and do it. It may be difficult at first (financially/emotionally), but in the end you will win. You cannot live like this. You need to take charge of your life. Don't wait for someone to rescue you----YOU NEED TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF.

Again, I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Are you kidding me. It's high time to get YOUR house in order. YOUR house.
I sorry things go out of control for you, but it's time to get it back. If this kid is making that kind off money, he can get his own place. PERIOD.

And for God's sake, take back your bedroom.
Best wishes. Jo

Agree with all comments above. Your husband is contributing to the problem. He will most likely need counseling if he cannot see this. I can't believe you/husband gave him the master bedroom...... Your SS is "just the way he is" because his father is/has created this.... Hearing your story makes ME angry and I don't even know you. Time to lay down the law. Make a plan, communicate it very clearly, stick to it - you are living a nightmare. Do not sacrifice your happiness, you only have one life to live.

I agree - your husband should be supporting YOU. I went through something VERY similar...only you could add to the sloppy behaviors things like his daughter trying to jump me when she got angry at me (he just stood there while I tried to pry her off me)and a non-stop barrage of subtle and not-so-subtle insults by his kids (and he would not correct them) whenever they were around. We went to counseling for about 6 months and I once overheard him tell the counselor that I was difficult to live with because I was always 'depressed' - gee, go figure. I have a husband who has promised to love me and support me for the rest of my life and now I discover that the vow had a clause - to love and honor, as long as the kids approve. He eventually divorced me because he couldn't - and I quote - "handle the stress with the kids". I called him Disneyland Dad for a good reason. They got anything they wanted - including our divorce.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

i have a 19 year old step son, who ended up in juvenile detention at the age of 17, i pushed him to graduate, he had to live with his grandparents, because the court would not allow him to be in the house , because i have a daughter, he broke all his probation rules, so the probation people, let him off probation, so he came to live back here, well he then stole my husbands suv, we confiscated it the next day, on our own ,cops were no help because husband didn't want to press charges , i would have. we sent him back to grandparents to live, he made threats toward grandparents, now they have a no tresspassing order on him, so my husband again took him back, he told me last time,if he screws up again, he's out! well he screwed up, my husband put $300, in his savings, $150 came out of my money, so he can help , pay fines the boy owes for a small posession of marijuana charge, well on a friday, boy never came home, never called, i checked his bank account, because i am guardian of it, he maxed it out, he came home next day on saturday, my husband told him, he does not live here any more, now mother in law blames me. she told husband, your wife got what she wanted, i never told her, i wanted him out, she is the one who always spoiled his fat ass, sorry! she pays no attention to my daughter. who is 14 , that's ok she doesn't like her either, so step son went to live with some friend or something, it's been a week , and it's been great with out him here.

Oh, my teeth were grinding while I read your post! It seems clear that your SS is running the house, and the rest of you are his servants that do his bidding. He has a fantastic deal. His father seems to enjoy being a servant in his own home, but you don't need to put up with this!

Please seek a good couselor. A few weeks ago a bunch of wise people here advised me to get a counselor so my DH could hear from a third party how he is enabling his adult brats and losing his marriage. I learned that husbands sometime value third-party advice much more than the words of their spouse.

If your husband refuses to listen and continues to think it's OK to bend over and take it from his own adult brat, then you will be much better off in the long run if you bail out. You deserve so much better!

Man,
What a pain in the butt. You never really said much about the husband, but somewhere along the line his spine turned to jello. Throw the SS bum out. Enough is enough. It will just get worse.

Think for Yourself

Well, here is my story. My 30 year old step son has come to live with us after a year long in drug treatment. I was not for it from the start. But my husband wanted to be there for his son. We have only been married 4 years. We had a good relationship before the son came . Now my husband picks at me he is taking all his stress out on me. The son is a dolt lazy ( he has a job ) but never helps out until asked. I love my husband and we had a good thing till this overgrown lazy dopehead came around. I give my husband kudos for wanting to help, but it is really putting a strain on our marriage.
It is not in my nature to be a bitch, but I have been nice to the boy and no appreciation what so ever! I don't know how much longer I can put up with him . My husband will not even talk with me about him leaving. He feels guilt for not being there in when he was young.
I feel so helpless, I feel this is destroying our marriage!

I feel for you. Sit doen with the husband and build a timeline for when the sloth moves out on his own. Build it with him and make sure you include actions that MUST be taken by the sloth. Even six months out works because it gives you a magic date on the calendar so you can mark off the days. After you have built it, share it with your step-son. It is non-negotiable. That is of course what he will want to do. When he agrees, make everyone stick to it. It is not our responsibility as parents to raise our children until we are dead. If you can afford it you might even consider this, make him pay rent, and open an account that only you have access to. Save it all. At the end of the six months give it back to him with a little box in which you enclose cut apron strings. He will have no excuses then. Guilt is a hard thing to deal with. You deserve better. A crappy childhood is no excuse for making yourself a crappy adult.

Think for Yourself

My step daughter called crying about 15 days ago that she has had enough of her husband, and wanted to leave him and move in with us.

I agreed thinking it would be for a few days or weeks, but now looks to be for an undetermined amount of time. Already arguments have taken place, between the three of us, and I am now the bad guy.

My wife and I have been married for four wonderful years, we are very compatible and never argue until now. We have a newly furnished home and the kids and my step daughter are SLOBS. And have no respect for our home or our belongings. We tried to set my step daughter down last night to set some goals for her with her finances and she was more interested in talking and texting on her cell phone and boo hoo woe is me.

I don't want to end up divorced over this, my wife and I both have minor health issues. We both have just rebuilt our lives after previous marriages, but it's as if I have lost my home already to the SLOB Step Daughter and Step Grand children, and our personal belonging are "Just things" HELP!!!!!

I have a 21 year old step-daughter who has never accepted me. She complains about things to my husband when I am not around. She sent my husband a text message while we were on vacation stating he was loosing a daughter. My husband and I have been together since 2002 and were married in 2006. My step-daughter came to live with us four months after we were married. The fighting between my husband and I started within 6 months of her living with us. She will not help around the house because she says she's never home due to work. She won't even clean up behind her dog. She's constantly comparing me to her mother and letting me know that her mom does or does not do things like me. All holiday's are spent with her mother and she gets mad if we go somewhere or do something while she is gone or at work. She eats, sleeps, bathes, and does laundry here, but should not have to help with anything according to her. She is constantly complaining about something to her dad, which causes problems between my husband and I. I've tried talking to him about my issues and all I get is that I have a problem because it's his daughter that if it were one of my kids it would be okay. This is not the case, because my kids (one has moved out) and one still at home have always been made to help, respect my husband, and I never thought twice about jumping their cases for not doing what they were supposed to do. I've recently told my husband that if things don't change, it's over. I'm not asking him to choose between his daughter and me, just to make her do her part or make her get her own place. I'm so tired of fighting that I feel it would be better if we separated. I cannot make him see that the problems started within six months of her moving in, though all of his family can see what's going on and have also tried to talk to him.

I think the first thing I would do is try and talk to my husband once more about this problem with his son. If it doesn't do any good the first thing I would do is start draining the water bed and change rooms with the step son. If the hubby gets mad ask him if he's married to you or to his son,would he rather have you there as his wife or push his son out and make a man out of him for having done it. I wouldn't wash his clothes,I'd leave them lay and when he doesn't have anything clean to wear let him wash them,if he tears the washer and dryer up let your husband see how it feels not to have anything clean. I'd also raise his rent if he didn't move out. And as for going out to eat I yell if you want to go out to eat with us give me your money!!!! If he doesn't start now he'll never make a good husband or grow up. Can't you send him to his mothers!!!

Wow. Just wow. Until I googled "my 30 year old step son won't move out" I never imagined that I wasn't the only one with problems like this. Reading all of your vents makes me want to huddle in and have a large group hug. Maybe we should band together as one big angry mob.

I have a 30 year old step-son who has been in and out of jails and prisons for most of his life (teen years included). This guy actually stole the identity of his own brother and totally ruined him. He's now out after his second stint in prison...was in almost 4 years this last time for major fraud which all stemmed from an addiction to meth. The first time he paroled out of prison (previous to this time) he came to live with us and I wasn't so against it because at that point I wasn't aware of what a real parasite he was...well that just about ruined my marriage. He is one of the most selfish individuals I have ever met. He lives to party and will spend every single dime of his own money to do it. When he's run out of money, he'll come to daddy with his hand out and daddy will give him what he needs..but I digress...this is his second parole out of prison and the husband, against my wishes, has allowed this vile creature to come and live with us again. "Everybody deserves a second chance", pffft! Just as I predicted, there has been no effort made whatsoever to find a job. He has partied like a rock star. My husband bought him a car for a little work around our yard. He's been running with another ex-con doing odd jobs here and there, little $100 to do this or that and he splits it with his friend..then they go out spending the money on women and $100 a night hotel rooms at the Embassy Suites. The only rule he hasn't broken so far is bringing women to my house. That was a real issue the first time he parolled out. I could go off in a million different directions on the reasons he should not be here. My main one, I have a very impressionable 15 year old son. My husband agrees that the effort has been non-existent and that the son is not doing right, but for the most part he is spineless. He says that the son has nobody else and if we don't help, he'll only end up back in prison.

Needless to say, I am angry. My husband and I have been together 15 years! We were happy! I am so angry that I'm almost to the point of telling my husband that it's me or the step-son. I've been told to never make a man choose anything over his own blood, but I'm afraid that if I don't, I'm going to lose my sanity. I just can't go on living in this rage. I am really starting to lose my love and respect for the man that I've been married to for the last 15 years. I feel sorry for him, I know that he cares, but this has all taken a horrible toll on me and turned me hateful.

How in the first place was he given that room? Why did anyone involved agree to it? I don't even understand how this was an option to begin with....

I can see if you have space allowing an adult child to live at home to save money to buy a home, or pay off student loans, whatever. As long as it's a workable situation for all. This is setting a TERRIBLE example for your girls, soon you'll be retired and have all of them thinking you're still going to pay all the bills!

When I was 18, I moved out of my parents house. They MADE me box everything I owned, and the completely redid my room, it was NOT MINE anymore. Aside from that, I'd be motified to move back home with my folks. Sure if something horrible happened, but it would be a temporary situation, and an embarrassing one at that. Have these "kids" no shame?