Will he ever respect me?
So yesterday was Bm's older sister's Bday. She is a friend of both mine and Dh. We met her and her husband at the bar for a couple drinks and surprise! Bm was there. No biggie right? So I sipped my virgin ceasar and Dh had one drink while we all talked. It wasn't bad. Our friend kept Bm in her place expecailly when she tried to talk about her labour and pregnancy. I know I'm pregnant but I don't want to know what it was like for you!!!
So an hour later they tell us where they are heading for more drinks. I say I'm going to go home but Dh is going out. He takes me home and we have a bit of a talk before he went. I knew Bm would be there and it made me really uncomfortable.
He promises me he'll be home early because he has to work today, and not to worry because he's not going to drink too much.
I'm sure you all can guess what happened from there.
230am he stumbles into the house completely wasted. I asked him why he said he was going to be home early and it was obvious he couldn't even read what time it was. So I asked him to sleep on the couch. He threw a tantrum and ripped all the electrical cords out of the wall trying to unplug his alarm clock. He then made some mean comment about hitting the wrong button, because he unplugged the tv and the movie I was watching. It was quite violent and kinda scared me. Before he went I told him I'm uncomfortable being around people who are drinking because if they stumbled or something and hit my belly it could cause serious problems. I feel like in asking him to respect my feelings and worries about him going out I just gave him a list of things to do. So he goes to sleep on the couch and I cry. He comes back to stand in the door way and glares at me like I'm the most disgusting thing on earth (this is why I have asked him to stop drinking so much in the past). He asks me why I'm crying about him leaving when I told him to leave. So I told him that I wasn't crying about that and he should go away. He did.
So 730am, half an hour after his shift starts, the phone wakes me. He's still on the couch. He was so drunk he couldn't set his alarm clock.
My living room is a pig sty with his clothes thrown everywhere and blankets and pillows out.
I have a friend's kid's bday party to go to.
I have a wedding to plan.
And I don't even know if I want to be with him anymore.
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Comments
Oh my...so sorry...wish I
Oh my...so sorry...wish I could give you advice...it's a tough one...sometimes you stick by them and they do finally get it, sometimes they never get it...sigh...hugs
I would be livid if my BF
I would be livid if my BF was out until 2:30 partying with BM.
Now, my late husband was an alcoholic (that recovered) and he was a mean drunk, my BF is very mellow and whining when he is drunk. Your BF being a mean drunk is not going to stop, unless he quits drinking altogether. If he is scaring YOU, b/c he came home drunk, then you really need to evaluate if this is what you want to happen every time he does get drunk.
<> to you. I understand how lost you feel, but it isn't your fault. What would happen if he had thrown something and accidentally hurt you or your baby.
Yea I think we're going to
Yea I think we're going to be having another talk about drinking. He hasn't drank like this in a over a year, but it seems to happen when he is around certain people. I will not tolerate it and he can chose what is most important to him, especailly if he can not control it.
It wiped out my HUGS...sorry
It wiped out my HUGS...sorry
so again {{{HUGS}}}
There is no way on God's
There is no way on God's green earth I would EVER be okay with DH going out drinking with BM. Never. He would never even do that though.
But that's beside the point. This behavior is not okay even if he wasn't going out with BM. I would be livid, and I think you have every right to be.
____________________________________________________________________
Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
I would have made DH stay
I would have made DH stay home....but I am sure you are thinking the same thing in retrospect.
Whats done is done. I think the best thing to do now is talk to DH about how you felt, and what will and will not be acceptable behavior in the future. Please don't doubt your marriage on this one aspect, I don't follow your blogs so I am not sure if there are other issues besides Skids.
Things like this happen, as s***y as it is. You will get through it.
Yea that hindsight is sure
Yea that hindsight is sure better then fore sight. How am I supposed to trust him when he does these things?
Maybe the two of you can
Maybe the two of you can talk and come to an agreement. One of the rules that my father lives by and I try to follow, is to never be alone with a member of the opposite sex. I add on my personal thing of never putting myself in a situation where someone could even accuse me of doing something dishonorable. I'm not saying that your DH did. But if he were to take on this kind of attitude then he wouldn't find himself in that kind of situation.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
Silver has a good rule. We
Silver has a good rule. We have the same....something to consider for the future.
But to answer your question about trust, we all are so different it is hard for me to say how to get "over" this. My DH has in the past (before we were married, hasn't done it since then) to be later than he said. Or would call me at the time he should have been home. I would be angry about it for a couple of days....wondering what he was doing, what he said drunk to someone I know, or who gave him a ride home. It made me soooo nervous.
I trust him becuz I know that he never did anything wrong when he was gone. Yes, he was late. But he was drunk and having fun, he was not thinking straight. So from then on out it was agreed that we went out together. If for some reason I couldn't go, he could go if it was with family. My family/his family knows he is not to be talking to or mingling with the opposite sex. There hasn't been future issues for us.
Marriage is about love, trust, fights and make ups.
What an awful thing to have
What an awful thing to have happen especially pregnant. I would have been livid at DH for entertaining the notion that it's ok to be in that situation. Heck! I'm mad now for you!
I hope he has many, many perfect things to say to you about this bad decision. I went through a lot of bad DH/BM decisions in the beginning myself and kick myself in the arse for not leaving. Mine did get better (not good, but better)after about 5 years. Some men will eventually 'get it' but most don't; you've got to figure out which group your DH most likely falls into.
I'm just so hurt. I have
I'm just so hurt. I have anxiety issues and he managed to calm me down and make me feel better before he went out. He promised to be in early and not too drunk. I understand about drinking and having fun, but really when someone you "love" is going through the issues I have been with trust it is a kind of betrayal to take advantage of that. I think I'm sleeping alone again. He came home and apologized, but he left right away to put gas in his car and now he's in the washroom. He was supposed to talk to his grandparents tonight about the wedding, to see if they can make it. He looks like he may just die before he can.
I just don't know. Maybe it would be a mistake to marry him. Every time I trust him to not do something like this, he goes and does it. I'm not comfortable with him being all buddy buddy with BM. She shouldn't be a part of our life other then another parent to munchkin. She doesn't need to be in his socail group. Especailly when I'm not.
I'm just so hurt. I want him to be happy and have a healthy socail life and friends but I can't deal with this.
I hope it's not a stupid
I hope it's not a stupid question but have you talked to him about cutting her out? Hasn't she done a lot of crazy stuff (maybe I'm thinking of someone else's BM)?
I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this. I know how hard it can be to start to trust someone only to have them disappoint you again. Maybe after a nice hot bath to relax, you can have a heart to heart with him.
She's not crazy, she's just
She's not crazy, she's just dumb, and young. She's three years younger then us and at 23 that kinda makes a big difference. She's really not a bad person if you can handle young adults who act like teenagers, and I know it would be better if we could get along with her. But I can't tolerate the idea of being left at home while he is drinking with his friends and her. I know she is seeing someone, and I don't think that anything would happen anyways. But it is just something that really bothers me. He got into this situation because he was going out and getting loaded with bms sister. Thats why we broke up the first time we dated, and thats how SD was concieved. I don't want the town thinking that its going to happen again, especailly while I sit at home pregnant. He is MY man and he should be with me. Guys nights out are for guys, not guys and their exs.
I just dontknow what to think. I was good all day not letting this bug me but now that hes home it just really fucking hurts. He's supposed to be with me! idk maybe this is another one of my complexes.
ookkk this is new
ookkk this is new information to me and it changes my prior post. This is how SD was concived? to much drinking and then a night together?
Oh boy, I am at a loss right now and need to get my thoughts together so I can be some help to you.
Thank you! We're not going
Thank you!
We're not going to get married right away. I was pushing because I thought I was sure and I do not want my baby born out of wedlock (old fashioned me). He is not dumb like this often but the fact that he still is when he gets the chance is more then enough for me. The baby will have my last name and when I feel confident again then we'll talk about marriage again. It hurts because he can be such a good guy. But it seems like as soon as I'm not around and he's drinking I just disappear from his mind. He knew that his actions would hurt me last night, but all I get in response is "I lost track of time and then you started nagging me as soon as I got home." How about not blaming this on me? This was not my fault unless I'm getting blamed for trusting him.
My DH and I had our first
My DH and I had our first son before we were married and I gave him my last name as well. In my state you can change the name anytime within the first two years of the childs birth after that you have to get an attorney and it can be costly.
Just a heads up.
We changed his last name right before the wedding, it was typed up by the CS office,we signed, then notorized and sent to the judge. We got it back signed by the judge in a couple of months--it was no big deal. (BS was about 1 yr old then)
I'm in Canada. I'm pretty
I'm in Canada. I'm pretty sure its like a 50$ piece of paper and then the cost of replacing things, another $50 for birth certificate and probably $50 for Socail Insurance and Health Care each. So I know it can be expensive. But if FDH messes up and we break up at least I wont be the mom dropping off her kids with a different last name and having to show id ect.
I was always afraid that if
I was always afraid that if we broke up I would be forced to look at that last name the rest of my life! lol I just wouldn't be able to do that.
My sisters oldest son (from an ex) has our madien name. She is happy she did it that way too.
It is worth the expense in my opinion.
Well he knows that this is
Well he knows that this is the way its going to be. He's not happy about it but its my right... (right?) Or am I just becoming a crazy BM before the breakup?
I told DH "they ask me what
I told DH "they ask me what the babies name is. I am the one who signs the paperwork so it is my decision."
Overall I think that it is both the parents decision but I did override his.....it may be selfish. It isn't our "right" but I do agree with your opinion.
Thetis I second the others.
Thetis
I second the others. My ex was a drinker who would often come home late, like several nights a week. Miss dinner, etc. Would never call. He wasn't cheating just put his drinking first. I'd get the "lost track of time" speech all the time.
I tried everything, explaining, raging, etc. but he never changed. The drinking would slow down and then he'd be back at it. But the basic problem was his immaturity and selfishness. It's not fun being married to a child! Or being in the "mommy" role with a man!
You see, his attacking you for "nagging" just shows the lack of understanding and communication that is there. A mature person would listen and respond to your concerns, not brush them off or blame you for how you feel, which is justified. You get put in the position of trying to control him--but he rebels by defying you and staying out late getting wasted. See how unhealthy this is?
Now I am married to an adult and it is so different. He loves me, puts me first, listens to me in a way EX never did or could.
You deserve that too. Good book: How to be an adult in relationships. Talks about what real love looks like. I had to learn the hard way and it took me until I was 48 YO.
Hugs to you!
Thetis, I think you know
Thetis,
I think you know exactly what you need to do. Whether to marry him or not. Don't be afraid of the future and what might or might not happen. The future is so lonely. There is no one there yet.
Thetis, your blog is entitled, "Will he ever respect me?".
Do you respect him right now? Will you tomorrow? Is this the kind of man you want to call your beloved husband?