It's 8am, I'm on my third cup of coffee and I'm trying to find my "happy place" in an emotional home that looks like a tornado hit it. I'm really angry at my husband because he doesn't want to get any kind of family counselling despite our story which sounds ridiculous even to me. So I'm hoping someone out there has a kind word, advice to share or at a minimum some sort of acknowledgement that I've been heard. I've been so alone in this for almost 2 years now and I really need some support.

I met and fell in love with my husband (who I still love deeply, even though I'm mad as a bee at him right now) but we married after only knowing each other about 5 months. A crazy decision, I know, especially since we both have children and in all the 5 years since my divorce I never brought men around my kids, never let them see me date,(not that I had many dates to hide) and I kept my adult private life from them so as not to create any anxiety in their new lives without having their father around every day. Noble, yes. I was the epitomy of noble. I was the best, most perfect, looking out for them, incredible mom ever placed on this earth for five consecutive years and then..BAM..it must be mentioned, I decide to bring home a man with 2 kids with whom we had a long distance relationship and I marry him after only mentioning his very name to them about 3 times. WHAT WAS I THINKING!

Our love, my husband and mine, was created out of need. He was a widow for just over one year with 2 young boys and I was so incredibly lonely I felt the very need to even get in the shower every day was pointless. In an instant our meeting put his life back in order and turned me into a beauty queen. And although it started out on need, it truly has turned into love.

Okay so here is where the step part comes in. I am the proud step Mother of an 8 year old boy who wants to love me on some days and understandably resents me on other days. He is only resentful on occassion because he is truly torn apart over the fact that at age 6 his Mother died tragically in a car accident one sunny afternoon on her way home from a church event. His memory of her is as if he just saw her yesterday. It's so very sad. I do everything in my power to keep her memory alive for him. I have comforted his tears, talked to him constantly about her, baked cookies with him using her favorite spoon and telling him it was hers and he loves that, I put a framed picture of her and the boys in his room, I email her parents (the boys grandparents) regularily about how the boys are doing and whats going on their lives, etc. He is a great kid, respectful, smart, pretty happy most of the time..but every three months or so he gets intentionally disrespectful to me followed by nights where he goes in his room and cries thunderous emotions that make him shake and moan, calling out for his mother and his whole world is shattered like a glass vase falling from a high mantel.

And through it all, most of the time his father does absolutely nothing. (he will only console his son if I insist)

For the first year I used to tell my husband about these difficult situations because my husband work nights and often isn't always there when they happen. I had to literally probe him to talk to me about all of this. What did he talk to his son about after his mother's death? Did they seek counselling? Did he have nightmares before? In horror I discovered they didn't talk much if at all, they did not get counselling, and frankly he (my husband) said he was too numb emotionally to talk to his kids about their Mother and it was a hard time for him.

And if that weren't enough, his other son who is five has autism that I was never told about. Remember we had a long distance relationship and we literally met each others children only one time before we married. It was hinted by my husband that his young son is a "handful" and that he may have a slight delay. But I discovered after we were married it was much bigger than that. His son who honestly has the heart of an angel just can't perform day to day like other children. I had to get him out of diapers and potty train him, almost weekly even now I have to wipe the fecal matter off the bathroom walls that he smears, he hums crazily and makes loud sounds his every waking hour, he repeats the same things over and over and over and over and over again to the point you want to scream (but you don't because he can't help it and yet the patience and tolerance you need to muster is enough to make you want to pull your toe nails off one by one) All of this, mind you, when his Father (your husband) is sleeping because he works midnight to 8am and has to sleep all day. And you tackle all of it at least five full days in a row, completely alone.

My husband is a bit of a male chauvenist. (yet another surprise to me) and I now firmly believe he took the male mental attitude. Have kids, they need a mom, he noticed I had a vagina and thus this made me qualified to be their mom. Get married. Check Check Problem solved.

I was and continue to be expected, to love his children and care for them and nurture them, guide them, teach them and tolerate them as if they came from my womb. I am expected to do this all alone because he rarely interacts with his children despite his 8 year old son constantly wanting to hug him, sit on his lap, or go places with him. Time and time again I have seen him impatiently shrug away, make excuses and reject them.

With all this responsibilty comes a natural need to discipline the children. Not just when they act bad, but discipline in every day things such as homework, hygene, (I know I'm a horrible speller thanks for dealing with it for this long - smile), picking up after themselves, not fighting with each other etc. My husband expects me to be the sole disciplinarian and often tells me to "spank them" when they misbehave knowing full well I do not spank children (not my own and certainly not his). When I seek his support for the things that no matter how hard I try they still will not do (like homework) he brushes off like it's no big deal "whats one math assignment?" he wonders...forgetting the fact that it's not ONE assignment it's every assignment this week and last week and the countless notes home from the teacher we've had to sign! (Once he was mad at the teacher for sending a note home because it was an inconvenience for him to sign it!) His involvement in their lives is so far removed that he gets angry at me when I find myself at the end of my rope but that's because he hasn't even seen the rope being climbed all week much less touched it himself.

So (whew, yes you will be relieved to know there is an end to this blog) I'm mad at my husband because he won't go to counselling, he doesn't think his son needs help with his feelings about his mother, and he basically said his son is only resentful to me when I'm mean to him, that I don't tolerate him like I do my biological children, and that his sons resentment of me has nothing to do with last nights absolute painful crying, howling sadness his son exhibited about his mother.

Anybody out there? Please talk to me.