Ok so I'm new and old at being a step-mom. I have been a sm for almost seven yrs. My situation is that my husband had been a single dad for almost ten yrs when we got married. They were both set in their ways about how things worked. The ex was no longer in the picture and hadn't been for several yrs. She gave up trying to be a parent and spouse six months into it; then over the next couple of yrs, she spent a couple of days with the ss. But mostly she just wanted to get back with my husband, she wasn't interested in being a mom to her son. His next gf only wanted her own baby and didn't want a ready made family. She left when the ss was four and took her son with her. From there my husband had to rely on his parents to help with his son while he was working. He has felt guilty about that ever since and it has caused him to have a blind spot where his son is concerned.
When we got married, I was living in a different state and they moved to my location. A couple of months later we realized this was a mistake so we moved back to his folks house until we got a place of our own. THAT was a mistake. His mom refused to realize she wasn't his parent. When I told the ss he couldn't have something or do something, she gave it to him or allowed him to do it. It soon became clear that it was me against his family. The ss had been so spoiled by them that my trying to reverse what they had allowed him to do was not working. I ended up fighting with him just to get him to eat what was made for dinner and half the time his grandmother would just undercut me by giving him something else anyway. I wanted to scream everytime she did it. When things got completely out of line was when my husband would step in. Due to finances and unforseen circumstances we ended up living with his folks on and off for almost three yrs. When we finally got a place of our own, I was hoping things would settle down. I was wrong.
I know that part of what I am facing are the terrible teen yrs, but I also know that he has been spoiled beyond belief. He has almost every game system ever made: gamecube, x-box, etc., and hundreds of toys he doesn't ever use or need now that he is almost seventeen. He has no concept of how the real world is and when you try and get it into his head how things are he throws attitude around. I have been married to his dad since he was in the fifth grade and since then his grades have slipped from A's & B's to D's & F's. I tried for the first three yrs to get him to improve his grades, all I got out of it was a headache from all the arguing. Now I have quit caring and it hurts me to say that. I care that he is throwing his life away before it has started but it's not worth the arguing. His dad and I both have tried to reach him but it doesn't do any good. All he wants to do is draw this or that cartoon or play video games or talk on his phone 'til all hours of the night. I can't get him to do anything I ask without some comment or attitude. I'm getting tired of trying. I'm also tired of trying to figure out how to get his dad to see that he's not helping by taking a backseat approach in this. The only time I see him discipline his son about his behavior is when he's fed up with the fighting between the two of us (ss & me) and then he's getting mad at the two of us. He rarely takes my side in an arguement even if I'm in the right. He's almost always defending his son. He has ingrained into my ss that he doesn't have to listen to me or respect me by the simple fact that he doesn't tell him to mind what I tell him. Also he doesn't give him any consequences for his bad behavior. When I try to talk to my husband about this he always tells me that he acted the same way when he was ss's age and so forth, or makes me feel like I'm the bad guy because I dared to say something. I know that the two of us had different upbringings -- mine being stricter but still that is no reason to allow this behavior to continue.
I'd like to know if anyone has any solutions they think my help. I love my family and I'd like for it to work but at this point I'm at wits end. I have two little ones to think of besides my ss. I see how his behavior is effecting them. I already have my young son almost addicted to video games. My daughter is starting to throw out her own attitude as well. My husband always thinks that I treat my ss different than our children but it's not true. Our littlest kids can't do the same things my ss can. I expect more from him because he can do more. The few people I have talked to about this have said that he needs to get more involved but I don't think he can see past his blind spot. I can't keep wishing the next two years will hurry past because there is no guarantee that my ss will leave home (college bound or otherwise) and by then things will be differecult to reverse with the little ones.
Thanks for listening